The Journey of My Beautiful Angel

Finally a second to write! (0:

2012-02-01T08:08:00.002-07:00

Wow! Today is February 1! I can't believe how quickly time has flown! I wanted to update my blog a long time ago, but I haven't had time. As it happens, I am really sick today. I got a stupid cold, which has decided to attack my entire body. YUCK!!! I didn't want to stay home today, but I felt so awful, I didn't have the strength to go to work. Not only that, but I have a full week. Life doesn't stop when you feel like dirt! (0: I figure I have one day to rest and then I have to hit my work load hard again!

My schedule this semester is tough. All my classes are involved classes. Usually there is at least one class per semester that is easier than the rest. This semester, that isn't the case. My biggest problem is that I have so many other things to do, I don't get a good run at my homework until late evening. By that time, I am tired and ready to crash. It doesn't make for a good study session for sure. That being said, I LOVE school! I LOVE psychology! I am learning so many fun things. I thank Heavenly Father every day for the wonderful opportunity to be in school. It isn't easy, but I will definitely say it has been worth every second! (Ok, so ask me that after five nights in a row of late night study sessions and early morning study sessions!) I feel in my being I am on the right career path. There is certainly a time and a season in everyone's life for education, family, etc. This happens to be my time and season for education. My kids are in school. Without Ashley, I don't have a reason to be home anymore. It helps me so much to be busy. I love my job!!! The kids I work with at school are amazing! I also work with amazing people. They are such a big help to me when I am planning my weekly lesson plans.

I am actually grateful I am sick today. I have been running so hard for the past couple of weeks, my body was wearing thin. My scripture time has been pathetic. My prayers haven't been sincere, especially when I say them as I fall exhausted into bed at midnight after a long night of studying! (0: Being sick has given me the chance to slow down and examine my priorities, to look at all the wonderful blessings that are in my life. I am certainly humbled to the dust, feeling as sick as I do, and it is such a great reminder of my dependence on my wonderful Father in Heaven, and His mercy and love that have been poured upon me and upon my family in the past year.

So what is new with the Winn Family? Well, last month Spencer ended up having surgery on his knee. That is the most exciting event I have to report. Spencer's knee had been hurting for a while. I knew something was wrong with it, but we didn't have insurance. I had applied for CHIP, but it seemed like every time we turned around, some little thing held up our application process. Fortunately, we were so blessed that CHIP came at the right time. I got Spencer in to a specialist, and we discovered he had a growth under his knee cap. They removed the growth and now, Spencer is doing great. His surgery went well. He was in minimal pain. He has gone to therapy one time, and his knee is moving almost normally now. I couldn't have asked for a better experience with surgery. Compared to what we went through with Ashley, this was a breeze! (0: Jason's wonderful dad and Kimberly sacrificed their entire day to come to the hospital on the day of Spencer's surgery. As usual, Grandpa and Grandma spoiled Spencer rotten! (0: They came bearing gifts for all the boys, and for Jason and I too. We were soooooo thankful to have Grandpa and Grandma Winn with us. Grandma Bell and my parents kept in close contact the entire day. All of my siblings called to check in on us. My ward brought us food. We were so blessed to be surrounded by angels who made a hard time easy to bear. (0:

I feel so richly blessed over the past couple of months. As mentioned previously, December was a very difficult month for me. My emotions were all over the board. I was stressed, tired, depressed, and anxious. Over Christmas Break, I made a conscious effort to really stay close to Heavenly Father. I read some amazing books that really touched my heart. I was able to go to the temple, which filled my heart with peace. I made an effort to make my prayers as meaningful as possible. All of those things helped me so much. I also had several opportunities to serve those around me. I can't tell you how strongly I feel the spirit when I am helping others. We have had so many people do nice things for our family over the past several years. I want so much to pay it forward and to be close enough to the spirit to know what I can do to pay it forward. I have listened to the promptings of the Holy Ghost, and I have been the beneficiary of oodles of blessings that have come from listening and acting on those promptings.

Life is a raging storm for sure. You never know from one moment to the next what may happen, what trial may come, what stumbling block may trip you on your journey back to Heavenly Father. I know one thing for sure, I want to be worthy in every way to one day be enfolded in the arms of our Savior!! I want to stand before Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and be able to tell them I did my part. I lived the best I could. I served the best I could. I endured the temptations of Satan, and became a better person because of what I learned from those experiences. Most of all, I want to be able to hold my little girl again! I miss my Ashley every second! She was such an angel! I wish everyone could have known her. She was such a happy, sparkly young lady. She taught me so much. Someday, I am going to write a tribute to her life. Mark my words, it will be done! (0: I want everyone to know what an angel she was. Her influence can be felt to this day. She changed my heart. She made me realize what was truly important. I am by far, NOT a perfect person. I have made so many mistakes in my life. But being blessed with such a valiant, perfect spirit makes me want to overcome all my weaknessess. It makes me want to be a little better every day. It gives me the strength to keep moving forward, even when the dark storms of life seem to overtake my whole body and soul. Faith in every footstep! That is my motto! One day at a time. One minute at a time. Sometimes, one second at a time. We will make it thorugh this life and then what wonderful blessings will await!!! (0:

A Heartfelt Apology

2011-12-31T16:14:00.002-07:00

Well, I did it again! I royally screwed up! I deeply offended some of my dear family members. What breaks my heart is that I didn't even realize I hurt my family. It was an honest to goodness mistake! I didn't even realize what I had done until my sweet husband brought it to my attention this afternoon. It ruined my day! I feel AWFUL!! I havne't stopped crying since. You see, I am trying so hard to be the best person I can be. I have had so many wonderful spiritual experiences over the past couple of weeks. My heart has been overflowing with happiness and peace. I have felt an overwhelming desire to right every wrong in my life, and to recommit myself to the gospel. Then came this blow today. Amongst all the good efforts I have made, I still brought sadness to someone I love very much. I hope my dear family will know how sorry I am. I will do ALL in my power to right the wrong. I hope in time, they will forgive me. I am human, and I make mistakes. I think this is one of the biggest I have made in a long time. I hope it won't scar my relationship with my family in the future. They are such an important part of our lives!!!!

In a former blog post, I sent out a huge thank you to all of the Christmas elves who made our Christmas special this year. When I did that, I failed to mention some very important family members who contributed more than everyone else to our family this year. This isn't the first time they have helped us out. There have been numerous times they have come to our rescue. They have sacrificed precious time to come and visit our family, even though the drive was far and the sacrifice was great. They helped us move. When we moved to Logan, it was my father-in-law and brother-in-law who drove all the way from Evanston to help us make the move. It was NOT an easy venture. They worked all night long, and then had to return home the next morning for work. When Ashley was the sickest, these wonderful family members drove hundreds of miles to be by her side. I need to mention these special family members are my in-laws. I feel bad I haven't mentioned their great sacrifices before. You have to know, Ashley had an extra special love for her grandfather. She was his princess, and she always knew it. Whenever he came to see the grandkids, he always came bearing the most fun gifts. From candy to stuffed animals to remote control cars, he has been such a loving and Christ-like grandfather to all of our kids. He was always at the hospital each time Ashley had to stay. When he came to her room, he never-fail came bearing the most elaborate gifts for her. I still remember the time he gave her a giant purple care-bear. She treasured that great big bear! It was a favorite toy for a very long time. He also brought her a great big horse. There have been coloring activities, paints, books, pictures, movies, etc. I can't begin to name all of the things he gave to our angel. There was a special bond between them. I know when she passed on, she was sad to leave her grandfather.

This Christmas, my father-in-law again came to our rescue. I think he bought out the toy department at numerous stores. The boys were spoiled rotten. It wasn't just the boys who were spoiled. I also received some wonderful gifts. In addition to all the presents, my father made sure we had several hundred dollars in our pocket. He made sure we knew there was more of that if we needed it. I was so touched, as was Jason!!! I honestly NEVER ever meant to forget to mention my father. He is such a good man. There are so many stories of his selfless service given to those in need. He once shared with us a story about a lady who sold fruit at a stand in Evanston one summer. She wasn't selling much, and seeing her great need, he made sure he stopped by her stand and bought tons of boxes of fruit from her. She was so grateful!! I know he made her summer.

Another time, my father, knowing how much I love whippets, worked for a lady all summer long so he could purchase a whippet statue from her. He traded work for the statue, and it was not easy work. He then drove to Nampa to give it to me. My father is a wonderful man, and we love him so very much. I know Ashley loves him too. Every chance she gets, I know she sends hugs to him. I know she would want him to know how much we appreciate all the gifts, money, and time he has sacrificed so our family would know we are loved!!!! Thanks to my dear father in law, his wife, Kimberly, and their two children, Geni and Nick, who are also guardian angels to our family. We love you so much! I hope you always know how much we treasure your love and friendship!!!

My Own Christmas Miracle

2011-12-29T17:18:00.004-07:00

I miss my little girl. It has been almost two years now since she left this life for the next. You would think time heals all wounds. Pain fades with time, but it never leaves your heart. When you love someone so much, and they die, there is a huge hole that remains. It doesn't go away. You never know when that hole will begin to hurt. You never know when the pain will wash over you. It might be a song on the radio. It might be a toy in a toy store. It might be a song in church. When it comes, it hurts so much! For the longest time, I felt it was a sign of weakness to be sad, to show my emotions. I felt I was weak because I was depressed. But you know what? I have learned it is okay to cry. I am NOT weak because I get sad. I am not weak because I struggle with depression. These are normal ways of dealing with grief. It is all part of the healing process. I didn't understand that. I once had a lady tell me about her friend, who had lost a child to cancer. This lady said how her friend was always so happy and cheerful. She didn't cry. She carried on with a big grin on her face every day. I immediately went home and felt like the worst person in the world. I wondered if I was being a baby because I wasn't smiling all the time. I wondered if I lacked faith because I felt depressed. I wondered if I was silly for watering my pillow at night with my tears. This Christmas, I learned so much about faith, hope, and grief. It all began shortly before Christmas. I received a package in the mail from my wonderful aunt. She sent me two books: "The Christmas Box" and "The Christmas Box Miracle". I read the Christmas Box years and years ago. I didn't even remember the story. I decided to read The Christmas Box Miracle first. I devoured it in two days. Each time I opened the book, I felt the spirit fill my heart. I felt peace and I felt comfort. It was a reminder to me of how very much our Heavenly Father is mindful of all who have lost children in this world. The story of the Christmas Box was a gift given to Richard Paul Evans to bring comfort to grieving hearts around the world. I know this to be true. It was crazy, but as I read of the wonderful experiences Richard Evans had as he promoted his book, and letters he has received since, I felt a connection to those people. For the first time in a long time, I felt understood. I was overcome with a desire to visit one of his special angel statues. I felt by doing so, I would find another place where I could truly grieve and heal my broken heart.

Now for the true miracle of this Christmas. I told Jason I didn't need anything for Christmas. He was determined to get me a little something. He said he had gone to the Hallmark store to look for something uplifting for me. He found a special statue of a couple which he really liked. As he continued to browse the store, he stumbled across an angel statue. He said he was so taken with the statue, he looked at it several times. In the end, he decided, in honor of our December 22 anniversary, to get me the couple statue. When he went to the counter to check out, the lady went to the back to get item he requested. When she returned to the front, she opened the box to make sure it was the right statue. Inside the box, instead of the statue, was the angel!!! The lady couldn't explain it. But Jason knew. I needed that angel statue. He bought it for me. When I opened it on Christmas day, I was overcome with emotion. It was like Ashley came and gave me a huge bear hug!!! I felt her near, and that feeling did not leave me the entire day. I didn't need to go to Richard Paul Evan's angel shrine. I had one of my own. It was the best gift I could have ever received. (0: I knew it was my own special Christmas miracle. Ashley wanted us to know she was near. What a wonderful blessing!!!!

December 29, 2011

2011-12-29T16:05:00.002-07:00

I can't believe it is almost 2012! My how time flies! The past couple of weeks have been wonderful! I am so proud to say my hard work paid off last semester. Once again, through the miraclous power of the Holy Ghost, I passed all my classes with A's. I could not have done it alone, especially Stats. I can't describe the feeling when I finished my last final. I felt like a 200 pound rock had been lifted off my body. It was great! In addition to that, the bishop told me I was going to be released as Cubmaster. That too lifted a tremendous burden off of my person. I enjoy the calling, but it has not been easy for me. I am glad to pass it along to the next person.

As I mentioned before, Christmas is hard for me. Jason and I were so stressed this year. Our financial situation has not been great. We are plugging along, barely surviving paycheck to paycheck. Honestly, we did not know how we would have any money for Christmas. Our savings was depleted. We don't have anything of value to sell. Jason is a gifted salesman. He could sell a pound of dirt if he wanted to. (0: However, you can't sell what you don't have. We sat our kids down and told them there wouldn't be much this year. They all agreed that was alright. We talked quite a bit about all the good things we do have. There are so many! I was so grateful my children were able to see them as well.

The closer we got to Christmas, the more blessings came our way. It all began with a knock on our door one afternoon. It was our bishop. He had been given money anonimously, to give to a family in the ward. He felt the money should be given to us. I was speechless. In addition, the same day, my younger siblings put their money together and sent Jason and I money for Christmas. Two nights after that, our doorbell rang about 9:30 p.m. We discovered an envelope with money taped to our door. In addition, there were three gifts for the boys. The next morning, our doorbell rang again. There stood a woman we did not know. She filled our porch with groceries and left two sacks full of presents for the boys. The only thing she said was that it was from someone who loved us. That night, our doorbell rang again. By this time, we were scared to open the door. (0: Another envelope full of money was taped to the door. All I could do was cry! Because of the generosity of others, our family had a wonderful, simple Christmas. Our fridge and freezer are currently stocked with food. We were able to put a little money back into savings. It was our own special miracle! I knew Heavenly Father was mindful of our little family. We weren't insignificant. We were important. The windows of heaven were opened and the blessings were poured on our family. I don't know who the special elves were who reached out to us. Even if we knew, how can you ever thank someone for such generosity? You can't. We will forever be in their debt. It was a lift we needed. It was a lift I needed. Miracles do happen today. In those moments when we need a lift, if we reach out to our Father in Heaven, He will answer our prayers. He will send his angels to attend to our needs. The angels came. And we were blessed.

Happy Thanksgiving! (Nov 24, 2011)

2011-11-24T06:33:00.002-07:00

I haven't blogged in forever, and I feel I need to. So much has happened over the past little while. I need to catch up.

Life for me right now is hard. Not that it isn't hard for anyone else. Everyone has their own struggles and burdens. This I know. For me personally, this is a time of testing once again. As I mentioned in a previous blog, Austin was struggling at Mount Logan Middle School. It wasn't just his grades. He was physically ill every day. He was cutting himself, and he developed an ulcer from the worry and stress he was experiencing. I saw how hard school was for him, and I made a pretty rash decision: to pull him out and enroll him in the Utah Virtual Academy. It was a good decision. He became a different kid. We are now treating the ulcer and he is feeling 10 times better. He has been so happy with his school work. It is easier for me to keep on top of what he is doing and to guide him in knowing what to do every day. He is already on the honor roll, and his self-esteem grows every day. The only problem with this arrangement is the time involved. As you know, I already have a hefty schedule. With work and school, my time was already scrunched. Not long ago, in addition to my cubmaster calling, I was asked to run our Webelos den. I love the cub scouting program. I believe in what it teaches. I have seen how the boys in our ward have grown through participation. I knew our Webelos were not having den meetings. I didn't want them to end up like Austin: not progressing because of bad leadership. When the ward leaders were unable to find a replacement den leader, I volunteered, thinking it wouldn't be too hard. That was before I knew my son needed me to help him. I have tried so hard to carry all these roles. But unfortunately, I can't keep up with it all. I am crashing and burning, BAD! I don't have time for anything anymore. I go to work, come home, study with Austin, pick my other kids up from school, hang out with them, study, do a little cleaning, fix dinner, and study some more. My exercise time has gone down the tubes. It will be better once my semester is over. This last stretch has been awful. I have several big projects to complete, which I didn't start previously because I had so many other weekly things to do. There wasn't time. Now in addition to the weekly things, I have to fit these projects in and there is only a couple of weeks left to do it in. On top of that, I have Austin's school. On top of that I have two cub scout responsibilities. On top of that, I have visiting teaching and trying to be a helpful friend and neighbor. My husband is also in a vulnerable place and needs lots of TLC. I have tried hard to spend as much time with him as I can. I haven't been to the temple in forever! I am getting up at 5:30 every day to fit in my scripture time. That is hard because I stay up late getting my homework done. I can feel the unbalance in my life. But I am not sure how to gain it back. My body is starting to complain. I feel sick again, like I did when Ashley was dying. That makes me even more discouraged. I don't have time to be less than 100%! Consequently, I am depressed as well. This time of year is always hard for me. It feels stressful every year. I truly meant what I said when I stated I don't like Christmas time. I love what it stands for. I love doing things for other people. I love the opportunity to celebrate the birth of our Savior. But the mechanics, YUCK! Just more things to get done and never enough money to do it with. I always end up feeling tired, sick, and depressed. It has been that way for several years now. It is worse now that we don't have Ashley. I dread taking out the Christmas things. We have so many that remind me of her. I am already sad. I don't need any help! Anyway, it takes me most of the month of January to get feeling like a person again. I just don't like this time of year. Okay, off the Christmas kick now. Something has to go! But what? I feel if I don't carry all these responsibilites, I won't be good enough. I won't measure up. I should be strong enough to handle it all. But at the same time, I am hitting the bottom. I don't like being there. I have been there many times in the past year, and it stinks!!

All that being said, I know there is something to be learned through these experiences. One lesson I feel I still haven't learned is that we all have limits and we have to accept what our individual limits are. Some of us are able to do more than others. And that is fine. As long as we are doing the best we can, that is good enough. Heavenly Father loves us for what we can do, and not what we can't. I have a good friend in Nampa who perfectly understands this concept. She can only handle so much stress in her life and then her fibermyalgia kicks in and she has to step back. Despite her struggles, she manages to keep her life in balance. She serves and loves and lifts and builds as much as she can. She knows her limits and she stays in those limits. She is happy with who she is. Not who she is not. I wish I could be more like her. I am constantly comparing myself with others, especially my older sister, a literal superwoman, who seems to never hit the bottom. I need to be happy with who Connie is, and not who I am not. I really try hard to do all I can. I am giving my all. As you know, I have carried our Cub Scout program on my shoulders for a long time without any support. Some of my pack meetings were dumb. But I did the best with the resources and help I had. I have to learn to accept that I have done my best and that is what matters most. I have to accept that I am not my sister. I don't have her talents and abilities. But at the same time, I have my own strengths. Right now, I can't see them. All I see is that I am barely scraping by from day to day, keeping up with my life. But my strengths are there. I will survive this time. With lots of prayer and faith, I will be able to see what I can let go of, and be okay with that. Heavenly Father will continue to lift me up and help me to deal with life as it comes. Trials keep us humble. They help us keep the eternal perspective in view. I know this. I have learned this so many times in my lifetime. There is one thing I never, EVER want to do again: lose my way and forget what is truly important, who it is who will get me through. I lost my way once, and it was a hellish time in my life. I know I want to be with my family in the celestial kingdom someday. I want to hold my beautiful daughter in my arms again. I miss her so much! I think of her and her example every day. I am so thankful she was given to us. I am so thankful all of my children were given to us. They are so special and they teach me so many things.

So I will keep pressing forward, faith in every footstep!!!!

Sunday October 30, 2011

2011-10-30T11:28:00.002-06:00

I can't believe it is the end of October already! Man, how time flies! I haven't written in such a long time. I have been so busy. In addition to school and work, kids, husband, and being cubmaster, I was also given the assignment of being a Webelos leader. I was hesitant to offer my services to help run Webelos. My life is so hectic as it is. But I am already at the church anyway so our Wolves can hold den meetings. We only have one Wolf leader and without me at the church, we don't have two deep leadership. So why not just run Webelos why I am there? The webelos's requirements are fun, and I enjoy planning the den meetings. Spencer is a Webelos now as well. I would be helping him at home, so why not help the others at the same time? I am not sure my logic is so logical, but I am truly coming to LOVE the scouting program. I never appreciated it before, and now I do. It is so good for the boys. It gives them something good to participate in. It teaches them wonderful skills that will make them more successful in later life. It means I have to be on the ball. I can't waste any time at all. If I am not studying, or helping my kids, or cleaning house, I have to plan for scouts. But you know, I don't mind. I feel it is what I am supposed to do. I know Heavenly Father will help me. I have been so blessed already.

As far as the rest of my family, we are doing alright. Jason is working hard at his new job. I won't say he is happy, but he always puts his heart and soul into everything he does. He enjoys the people he works with. They are good people, so much better than those at Verizon. We are still struggling financially. That part is hard for Jason. He likes to be a good provider. In the past, we were blessed to survive financially. We weren't rolling in the dough, but we always had sufficient for our needs. At the current time, we have had to ask for help to survive. Jason hates that! It won't be forever though. I am only three semesters short of my bachelor's degree. I will be attending graduate school, but I am hoping I can work and complete my master's degree at the same time. That will help. I don't make much money now, but I will say, I absolutely love the kids I work with. I have enjoyed my literacy groups immensely this year. I know there are always ways to become a more effective teacher, but I feel way more confident in my abilities this year than last. I wish there was some way I could help Jason understand that it doesn't matter to me if we don't have much money. We have so many wonderful blessings. We are so happy as a couple, and as a family. We have food on our table, and a roof over our heads. Life is wonderful!

My kids for the most part have been doing wonderfully well. I have been desperately worried about my Austin. He has not been okay. I should have been more on top of what was happening at middle school. He seemed happy, and he seemed to be doing well with his school work. This pretty picture crumbled when I found out he was being bullied at school. I won't go in details, but one day he called me from school and said he was very sick. I went and picked him up, but I could tell from the moment I saw him something else was bothering him. That day he opened up to me about these boys at school that had been picking on him for some time. I immediately spoke to the principal, who was fantastic at handling the situation. Not long after that incident, we discovered Austin had been cutting himself at school. He had scratches all over his left arm, from hand to elbow. It looked like he fought a mad kitty and lost. Of course, I went into panic mode. I spoke to the counselor and the principal again, pleading for help for my son. He was sinking more than I realized. It wasn't just the bullying. Because of his ADHD, he was unable to keep track of his work. He wasn't completing assignments. He had F's in every class but one. I had no idea how overwhelmed he was. The cutting was one sign of the stress he was under. I felt horrible!!! The school counselor did meet with Austin a couple of times, trying to help him. She was great, but what he needs is intervention from a behavior specialist, like we had in Nampa. He needs a person who can give him the tools to be a middle school student and manage his ADHD. He is medicated and that should help. However, the medication is such a pain in the butt! It makes him depressed, unable to sleep, and feeling sick. But without it, he can't focus at all. But with it, he still feels like a zombie. It is a vicious cycle. He doens't like school, and he doesn't like himself. He feels like he is the bad kid in the family. That broke my heart!! I hope nothing I say or do makes him feel that way. He is a wonderful young man. I have been so proud of him. I told him he has to remember that he is twice as strong as everyone else. What comes easy to most people is very difficult for him. That isn't his fault. It doesn't mean he is a bad person. It means he has been given a challenge from Heavenly Father and if it his challenge, he will be given the strength to face it head on and win. We are considering pulling him out of Mount Logan and enrolling him in the Utah Virtual Academy, at least for this year. I have been praying about his decision, and I feel good about K12. It was the same charter school Ashley was in before. I loved their curriculum. I am familiar with how the program works. The one problem is that I will need to help him. I don't have much time for that, but if it is the right thing to do, we will do it. I want him to feel good about being Austin. We filled out all the paperwork, and tomorrow I will have the final interview with a K12 specialist to see if Austin can get in. We will see. I just want my son to be okay! I love him so much!

Well, I need to get moving on with the day. There is much to be accomplished and only so much time to do it in. (0: I am so grateful for my life. Even with all the challenges, there is much to be thankful for. I thank Heavenly Father every day for my little girl, for what she taught me. I thank Him for my three wonderful little boys. They are so special to me, and I am proud of each one of them. They make my life worth living. And most of all, I am so grateful for my darling husband. He is my shinging star in every way. I would not be happy without him and his constant love and support. We are a team, and with one another, we can face anything! (0:

Just Plugging Away! (Sept 25, 2011)

2011-09-25T07:59:00.002-06:00

I haven't written for a while, but with good reasons. Life has been busy. But I have to say, I am happier right now than I have been in a very long time. I know it is because I am filling my life with the things of God. Attending the temple has helped me so much! I know I have been blessed with peace because of the time I take to serve in our beautiful Logan temple. I also have made an effort to study the scriptures for at least 30 minutes every day. It means I get up very early, but it is so worth that sacrifice! Are all my morning study sessions the most efficient? Probably not. Sometimes it is all I can do to stay awake! (0: But I am putting good habits into place and it feels great!!

I love my classes this semester. They are challenging, but so fun. Statistics has been one of the classes I love most. My teacher is amazing! When I read the material in the book, I always come away feeling so lost. Then I listen to her lectures and it is like a big lightbulb lights up in my brain. I actually understand the concept and it is fun to complete my assignments. I never thought I would say that I love statistics! But I do. I can't express my gratitude for the opportunity to learn and prepare for the future.

I am also exercising regurlarly. I love my exercise time! I can feel myself getting stronger every day. It isn't easy. There are days when I don't want to workout, but the end result is worth the time. I feel happier and more alert. My weight goal hasn't been met yet, but again, I am creating habits that will bless my life and it feels great!

Jason started his new job on Friday. I knew he would be blessed to find a job quickly. He has such amazing skills, and it didn't take long for the employers to see what an asset he would be to their company. Jason received two job offers in one day. After praying about both, he decided to tak the job at Factory Outlet, which is a manufactured home dealership. The great part of this job is that Jason has tons of experience. He worked at two different manufactured home dealerships in the past, both selling and managing them. It is something he is comfortable doing. The struggle he has now is that he wants to get out of sales and move to an IT position. He started the process last week of enrolling in Western Governor's University to pursue an IT degree. It won't be a quick process, but it is what he wants to do. I know he will do great. It is always scary to go back to school. I had so many emotions when I started back at Utah State. Jason still doubts himself. His self esteem is very low. But I know he can do it! I will try my hardest to support him.

The boys are doing great! Spencer has been blessed to find a good friend. Preston loves his teacher and has a wonderful group of friends as well. Austin is prospering at the middle school. He loves all his classes, and so far has good grades. He is in band and plays the flute, which he loves. I never thought Austin would enjoy band. I figured it would be too much practicing and sitting still for him. But I was wrong. He is doing well, and he loves it! I have been happy with his new friend group. He is friends with boys from the ward now, and good boys at that! They have good standards, and they are great kids to have around. Not that Austin's former best friend was bad. He just didn't have the same standards, and I was always worrying about what Austin was exposed to. He is still Austin's friend, but they aren't together every day like they used to be. Austin hangs around with Josh now. Josh is a great kid with super awesome parents. I am happy about that! (0:

Austin has the priesthood now. I can't tell you how proud I was of him on the first Sunday he passed the sacrament. He looked to grown up! He has loved Young Men's. On Friday they went to the temple to do baptisms for the dead. Austin was so delighted to get to go! (0: He told me how warm and happy he felt inside while he was in the temple and we had a good discussion about that. I just LOVE the temple!!! I always felt the spirit there when I was younger. I am so happy Austin was able to feel it too!

Well, I need to write more, but it is time to get ready for church. I am just so thankful for this time in my life. It is a happy time. I feel so good about myself. I love feeling the spirit every day. This is what life is all about. It isn't about gaining earthly things. It is about filling your life with the things of God. It is about coming closer and closer to Heavenly Father and His beloved son, Jesus Christ. It is about making the most of every day. It is about serving those around you. It is about attending the temple and feeling the peace in that most Holy Place. It is about teaching your children to love their Father in Heaven and rejoicing with them as they accomplish each milestone on their journey through this life.

Labor Day Weekend 2011

2011-09-05T15:22:00.003-06:00

I feel like I am in the eye of the storm. My job started last week, as well as my classes for this semester. As I predicted, this semester is going to keep me hopping. Right from the get go, I had three assignments due. I also had lots of reading. But you know what? I feel so good about what I am accomplishing. I know I am on the road to a better life for my family, and it is going to be so worth it in the end. I love learning. I love the opportunity to improve myself. I am so excited to continue on this path. It is going to be tough, but since when have I run from a challenge? Ha ha ha! (0:

I absolutely LOVE working at the school. This year, I am in such a better place emotionally and physically that I was last year. I know what is in store for me. I am not adjusting to a new life like I was last year. I am not wound up like a tight ball of twine like I was last year. I have found the balance in my life I needed then. It is a great place to be. I feel like I have more tools in my belt to help me cope with my busy life. I can't wait to start teaching my groups. It looks like I will be in kindergarten, 4th and 5th, unless the DIBELS test scores change things. I am not expecting that to happen, but it might. I hope I do get to work with the 5th graders. They were so fun last year. It was challenging, but they are hilarious. I also hope I get to teach writing. I loved my writing groups. Writing has become something I really enjoy. I want so much to convey that to my students. It is not an easy skill to master, but they can improve if they keep practicing. Tell that to a 5th grader though! (0:

This weekend was a blast. I thought I better write about it while I actually have time. After today, my life is going to be drastically different. Every spare moment I have will be filled with studying. I know I won't get to blog much. I have to say, this weekend has been the most enjoyable one I have had in a long time. I don't know why it was so different. It just was. Perhaps it was because Dawn's husband ended up in the hospital with a bowel obstrution. We originally planned to go to Bear Lake on Saturday. But late Friday night, when Jaxon came home from work in horrible pain, our plans changed. Jaxon has Krohn's disease. It has been controlled for many years now, but for some reason, it flared up badly. When we knew he was desperately sick, facing major surgery to correct the obstruction, our family went into crisis mode. That is one of the things about my family I love most. When one of us goes down, the rest come to the rescue. We pull together like no other. This weekend was no exception. Dawn had purchased lots of food for our Bear Lake excursion, so we had plenty of lunch items. Jason and I, along with my parents and other sisters, also contributed. Needless to say, it was super easy to fix meals. We had food coming out our ears. (0: We brought all the kids to my house and let the cousins play together. They all get along so well. It is always fun for them to be together. We fixed lunch and dinner, and made sure Dawn could be at the hospital as much as possible. Dad and Jason went to the hospital in the later afternoon and gave Jaxon a blessing. We pretty much hung out and visited with one another for the rest of the day. There was such a close feeling amongst us this weekend. I always feel close to my family. But for some reason, this weekend, I felt something I haven't felt before. I was overwhelmed with feelings of love for each of my family and extended family members. I can't describe what it was. It made me so thankful and appreciative for the wonderful family I was blessed to become a part of.

Yesterday was another wonderful day for Jason and I. Our son passed the sacrament for the first time! He looked so amazing, all dressed up in his white shirt and tie. The other cool part was that he was able to pass the sacrament to us. Mom and Dad and Tammy were able to come, so he passed to them as well. I never knew I could feel so much pride! I wanted so much to tell him how proud of him I was. It was fast Sunday, and I knew I should bare my testimony. There were so many others who were sharing their testimonies, and being the chicken I was, I kept thinking to myself I would go up after so and so. Then it didn't happen. Our meeting went over and I didn't get a chance to tell Austin from the pulpit, how proud I was of him and the righteous decisions he is making in his life. I also wanted to tell my parents how grateful I am for them, and their righteous examples. Our family is strong because of them. We know how to pray. We know how to pull together. We know how to work hard and how to raise our kids to be upright and virtuous. We know these things because of what they taught to us. I wanted them to know what a good job they did. Then, I blew my opportunity. I missed my chance. The boat left without me. (0: I wanted to write that in this blog so they would know what fine parents they have been and still are.

The rest of our Sunday was spent playing games, visiting, and walking at Riverwalk. The best and most miraculous part of the day was when Jaxon was released from the hospital. The last time he had a bowl obstructiont, he was in the hospital for five days before it cleared. The doctors thought for sure he would be in for a while, and possibly still face surgery. I know the priesthood blessing made him well. He was promised he would recover without complications. And he did! He still has to be on a soft diet for a few days and rest, but it is a miracle he recovered so quickly. Priesthood blessing work! We were all so glad to have him with us instead of in a cold, hospital bed.

This morning, my wonderful parents and two sisters came with me to First Dam to walk the Bonneville Shoreline trail. For this month's pack meeting, our pack is going on a hike. The problem is, I don't know where to go. Dawn found out from a co-worker about the Shoreline trail. Her co-worker said it was a fun walk, and in an easy location for us to drive to. We only have an hour for pack meeting before mutual starts, so we need to go somewhere close. I considered Riverwalk, but many people have been there. It might be boring. We decided to scout the trail. It was just over two miles long and kind of steep in the beginning, but overall, it was wonderful! I found out there is a darling little park at First Dam, with nice covered picnic areas. We won't have time to hike the entire trail, but it will be a super fun activity for pack meeting. I was grateful they were able to come with me. I am not sure when I would have had time otherwise.

We had a huge barbecue with lots of yummy food afterwards. Then everyone headed for home. I know I have to get back to the grind soon. There is lots of be done. But what a wonderful weekend with my family! I enjoyed every minute. I am so thankful for the peace that has come into my life. I have tried so hard to live as good as I can. I make sure I study, not just read, but really study from the scriptures every morning. I have been faithful with my prayers. I attend the temple every week. I have included exercise and I am eating better than I have in a long time. I have eliminated all the temptations which side track me from where I want to be, including smutty television programs. (0: It feels so good to be good! How grateful I am for the gospel of Jesus Christ! I love knowing life has a purpose. I love knowing I am not alone and when life gets hard, I have a loving Father in Heaven and His Beloved, Son, Jesus Christ, who will be there to lift me back up and keep me moving forward.

School Begins! (0:

2011-08-25T22:07:00.002-06:00

What a week this has been! Wow! It is Thursday and I am exhausted already! I am happy to report my children are all settled in school and doing well. Preston ended up with Mr. Holmgren this year. He is a fabulous teacher. I was in his room a little last year, and I was always impressed with how well his classroom ran. He never raised his voice. Yet his students knew what was expected of them, and they respected his rules and expectations. I wish I could command my groups like Mr. Holmgren.

Spencer has Mrs. Gish. She is going to be fabulous! This is her first year teaching, but fortunately, she substituted for Mrs. Deaton last year so Spencer already knew her. He loved her as as sub and he loves her now. The principal additionally placed Spencer in the same class as his friend, Seth. Last year was a horrible year for Spencer. He was unhappy and he didn't have any close friends. The changes in our family just about did him in. He was physically sick and emotionally distraught. The school counselor did not help at all. As soon as summer came, his stomach aches disappeared. He was happy and relaxed. The minute he knew school was starting, his stomach pains returned. He shed many tears, and I prayed my heart out this year would be better for him. The minute we walked into the classroom on Back to School Night, I knew all would be well. He had a wonderful teacher he already knew. The teacher placed him right next to Seth. Spencer came home with a ear to ear grin. So far, he is happy. He has a friend. I couldn't be happier!

Austin began middle school today. I really like the way Mount Logan handles the incoming 6th graders. They started the 7th and 8th graders yesterday, and the 6th graders stayed home. Today the 6th graders attended and the 7th and 8th graders stayed home. It gave those 6th graders a wonderful opportunity to get a feel for the school without so many others in their way. Austin did well. I was the one who was a mess! I was worried about him getting to class on time. His locker was broken when we were at orientation last night, and I worried it would not be fixed today. I worried about him finding the bus at the school to bring him home. My prayers were heard! He didn't have any problems, except at lunch. The stupid lunch line was so long, he didn't get to eat before the bell rang. Tomorrow I will send him a lunch so he won't get stuck in line like he did today. I couldn't have asked for a more perfect day, other than the lunch glitch. He was blessed. He liked his classes. His locker was fixed and way better than before. He made friends and found a girl he likes. (Imagine that!) He was happy! I hope tomorrow will be as good of day for him. Lots of prayers yet to be said!

I also feel so blessed! I was online last night and discovered I was charged too much tuition for this semester. The financial aid I was planning to use for books and rent was non-existant! They charged me student fees I had never seen before and tacked on an out of state tuition charge. I was so distraught! I didn't understand why the charges were there, when they weren't previously. I didn't know how we would afford my books. They are going to cost me 500.00 this semester. That is saving money by buying used books off line. I had to buy a calculator for stats, which cost us 100.00, which we already bought (included in the $500). On top of that, our van died two times last night. Fortunately, Jason was driving because we were in the construction zone. We just spent 150.00 fixing the van a few weeks ago. Obviously, it isn't fixed yet. I was super upset about that as well. We don't have the money for expensive vehicle repairs. I am scared to drive the van for fear it will die in the middle of an intersection. It will start again, but only after sitting for a couple of minutes. The mechanic doesn't know what the problem is either. He can't get the van to duplicate the problem. With the worry over Austin's first day today, I was a wreck last night. I got up early this morning and studied and prayed for a while. After the boys went to school, I called Utah State and fixed my tuition crisis. As it was, I registered for a campus class and thus the reason for the extra charges. What a relief to find out I will receive the money for books and rent after all! Jason talked to the mechanic this morning. I don't know what we will do with the van yet, but at least we have Jason's car. It is a stick, but I am getting pretty darn good at driving it. I think we will take the van to the repair shop in the morning for an evaluation to see what we are in for. Hopefully, we can afford to fix it. I know I was blessed today. All of the things I worried about melted away. My school is okay. Austin did well. We are working on the van. I can afford my books. And tonight, I was at peace. The stressed, scared feeling totally fled my person. I knew all would be alright. Next week, the whirlwind continues. School begins. Work begins. I have to learn to manage our new morning routine, with Austin catching the bus so early. But we will survive! As I said previously, with God, all things are possible!! (0:

The Journey of Sheeka

2011-08-21T23:43:00.009-06:00

For those of you who don't know, not long ago, while visiting Grandma Bell in Brigham City, my boys discovered a beautiful female Gopher snake crawling down the road. We captured her and brought her home. She is now a part of our little zoo. (Yes, we have a zoo. We have two dogs, two birds, two fish, one snake and three stray cats we feed!) The snake's original name was Bully, but due to our discovery that the "he" was a "she", the snake became Sheeka. Well, two weeks ago, our Sheeka shed. I was sure after she completed the shedding process, she would eat again. Thus far, she has had no appetite. I have been very concerned about her and her happiness. I decided a couple of days ago to let her crawl around the cupboard in the kitchen, in the sunshine, hoping a little freedom might perk her up. At first, it was fine. She slithered up into the window seal and in and out of the blinds. She layed in the open window, basking in the sun. It was great! Since it was successful to let her crawl then, I figured she could do that same today and be fine. How wrong I was! She discovered a little ledge at the top of window, which she happily crawled into. The ledge itself wasn't a problem. The problem was getting her out again. We were meeting my sister and her family at Riverwalk, so we had to get her off the ledge and back into her cage before departing. Well, being comfortable in her little niche, she didn't want to come out. I got this brillant idea that we could gently nudge her with a straw to get her to move. Well, she did move when we prodded her, but she discovered a hole in the window in which she quickly crawled. This particular hole was on the top right side and went all the way down the window frame. (In my defense, I did not realize the hole was present!) There was no way to access that hole except from the top right of the window or the bottom left of the window. I am not doing a good job explaining. Let me just say, we thought Skeeka was lost and gone forever in the interior wall of our house. The kids started crying. It was pandemonium! My sweet Spencer came to me, with his pure little heart, and begged me to gather everyone for a special prayer that we could get our snake out of the wall. We all knelt down and I said a quick but heartfelt prayer that if it were possible, we could find a way to retrieve our snake. In the mean time, my handyman husband went to work trying to scare her out. At first he lit matches and held them to the hole opening. That didn't work. Then he got his compressor and blew air into the hole. That made her tail come out of the hole, but she was still inside. He finally got the idea to use alcohol. He put an alcohol soaked cottong ball up to the hole and guess what?? Our snake came out of the wall!!!! It was a miracle for the Winn Family! The boys all hugged her. We made sure she was not hurt and promptly returned her to her cage. We had a wonderful discussion about how Heavenly Father answers our prayers, especially when we have great faith in Him. In this instance, it was His will our snake come out of the wall before she died and stunk up our house. (0: I know my sweet boys will remember forever the day Sheeka was rescued from possible death.

Sunday August 21

2011-08-21T18:43:00.003-06:00

I can't believe school begins this week! It seems like yesterday the kids were starting their summer vacation. I feel both excited and nervous all at the same time. Spencer and Preston will begin on Wednesday. Austin won't start until Thursday. I can't believe I have a middle schooler this year! Of course, Ashley would be entering 8th grade, but when she was in 6th grade, she was too ill to go to school. We were homeschooling, so I didn't have to watch her make that school change. Austin is way excited to enter middle school. Last week at registration, we found all his classes, and practiced with his locker. He isn't a bit nervous. But I am!! I worry about bullies and him being tardy for class. I worry about lunch time and if he will have people to hang around with. Austin is my social kid. He hasn't ever had problems finding people to hang out with. But I still worry! Believe it or not, I am sad because I won't get my "mom" hug every day like I did last year. I taught 5th grade power hour and never fail, at the end of group, he would come find me and give me a big hug. Those hugs meant the world to me! I won't get my treasured "mom" hug with him at a different school. I don't think he would think it was cool anyway. (0: But who knows!! (0:

It is late and I am tired so I won't write a huge novel tonight. I did want to say two things about today. First of all, I did speak to the bishop about cub scouts. This morning in bishop brick meeting, Bro. Phillips mentioned to the bishop the poor turnout for pack meeting and the lack of leaders present. The bishop was already aware of most of my concerns. We talked about several solutions. I came away feeling much relieved! I don't want to give up on this calling. I really enjoy planning the activities. It makes me proud when my hard work pays off, even in the smallest ways. I think with changes in leadership our program will improve by leaps and bounds. I will continue to pray we will be guided to those who will help us make our cub program more successful.

Sacrament meeting was awesome today! The last speaker was Bro. Maughn, who is the high counselor over our ward. He talk centered around fasting and how important fasting is in our lives. I have a testimony of fasting. Many years ago, when I was at college, I had a young man who was pursing me very diligently. He had me convinced God wanted us to be together. He told me on more than one occasion, he was prompted by the spirit that I was to be his wife. At first I resisted him. But over time, I came to believe he was the one for me. He never asked me to marry him. It was more like an unspoken agreement between us. There was no ring. Nothing like that. But we talked about marriage, where we wanted to live, when we wanted to be married, etc. Another huge problem with this boy was that he had previously dated my sister. She really cared about him. Then he decided he liked me. My sister and I were roomates at the time, and there was not good feelings between us. I was too stupid and naive to realize what a mess I was creating. (Jason had not yet left on his mission.) My parents knew I was in trouble. They knew this boy was driving a wedge between my sister and myself. They felt he wasn't the right person for me. They decided to have an extended family fast to help me in this decision. My dad drove all the way to Rexburg to get me for the weekend so I would be away from Mark as I prayed and pondered. It was on Sunday night, while I was in my room praying, that I finally saw the situation for what it was. I knew I was not to marry Mark! Heavenly Father had other plans for me and for my life. I started bawling!! In the mean time, my dear sweet Jason came over and took me to the park in Paul. We talked for almost three hours! In that time, I knew how much I loved Jason! I wanted him to leave in his mission knowing how much I cared and how much I supported him. He forgave me completely. I had to go back to Rexburg and tell Mark he needed to do some more praying because his revelations were not correct. It was embarassing and I felt awful!!! The point of all this is that I did not ruin my life because of the family fast my parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and siblings held in my behalf. I know fasting works, and I feel that is a huge answer to our situation. Jason and I need to fast. We need to fast for guidance. We need to fast so the path for us will become clear. Fasting is hard. I don't like to fast often because I have blood sugar problems and I get sick and dizzy when I go without food for too long. But I know we need those blessings! Especially right now when so much is up in the air. I truly felt Bro. Maughn's talk was an answer to my prayers.

Thursday August 18, 2011

2011-08-18T21:14:00.004-06:00

I picked blue tonight because I am feeling in a blue mood! Today was just a poopy day! Jason lost his job. We knew it was coming. In all honesty, it is good he is leaving Verizon. They are not a good company to work for. They have no loyalty at all. They are firing their top seller tomorrow because of some comments he made many months ago. He wasn't even warned before hand. They were going to blind side him. I am thankful Jason at least had warning. The good part about this situation is that he already has a job offer. Idaho Watersports offered him his pick of three different postions. He loves those wonderful people there. I know Jason wants to work for them again. It would mean we have to move to Burley. We are not sure Burley is where we should go next. We are finally loving Logan. It has taken some time to get used to life here, but now I really enjoy it. I got my school job back. The kids are adjusting well. They struggled at first, which is to be expected when their lives turn upside down. But overall, they are happy. I love living right next to a temple. I get to attend every week, and that has blessed my life immensely! I am right next to Utah State, so going on to graduate school would be easy. I could finish my bachelor's degree in Burley via Logan Distance Education, but getting my master's degree would be difficult. ISU does have a school counseling program, but I don't know how I would live in Burley and go to school in Pocatello. I hate to uproot the boys. Austin is so excited for Middle School. We have his schedule all worked out. He has lots of friends. Spencer doesn't want to move. They all said they love our home here. Burley is appealing to me in other ways. I love the small town atmosphere. Jason and I both grew up there, so it feels like home. We love the size of the schools and the people. I would be close to my parents again. I just don't know what we will do!! My head hurts thinking about it!

I am also very down because once again I had a poopy pack meeting. Only one leader showed up. The others didn't even bother to let me know they weren't coming. They didn't make the assignments I asked them too. They didn't call and remind their boys like I asked them too. I had additionally asked them to advise me on our hike next month. I am new to this area, and I don't know where to take scouts on a hike. Only one leader responded to my email. I have no idea who to ask about the hike. I want our hike to be fun, but without guidance, it won't be. I was also bummed because we only had four boys. I worked very hard planning and preparing, and then had a horrible turnout. I will say, the water games we played went well with the boys who did come. They had a great time. It is so hard to shake that feeling of being unimportant. I was unimportant to the fire department when I asked them to speak. I am obviously unimportant to the den leaders. They don't care to help. My children have been unimportant to them as well. Austin has only been to a handful of scout meetings since we moved here. No one cares if he comes. They don't call. They don't reach out to him. In the past two months, they have tried a little bit, but it was a half hearted effort. Spencer hasn't been to a bear meeting yet this summer. No one cares if he isn't there. His leaders never call to check on him. They don't even call to tell him when the meetings are. I am the cubmaster. I should know, but they don't communicate with me either. Preston turned 8 in May. Do you think the Wolf leader cares? Nope. Not at all. He hasn't said a word about den meetings. Again, I should know when the den meetings are, but they don't tell me. Just plain frustrating!!!! I love the people in this ward. I know the den leaders. They are wonderful, but not with me. I am going to talk to the bishop on Sunday about my frustrations. I need some help figuring out a solution without offending anyone. I cannot carry pack meetings on my own. Once school begins, and I start work, I won't have time. I need help. The ironic thing about this month was our theme: cooperation. When a pack works together, things go well. Cubs are successful. When one person carries the pack, things don't go well. Meetings fail. Cubs can't reach their full potential. I want this pack to be as good as it can be. There has to be a way for us to bring cooperation and unity back. I need help to find that way.

I am happy that I get my job back. I loved working at the school last year. I know this semester is going to be tough. I want to keep my good habits going, like weekly temple attendance, scripture study, and exercising. It is going to be tough to find that balance. I think I will be so much happier if I do. I know I will be happier. The exercising has become a life line for me. I feel so good when I finish a nice, hard workout. I feel the stress leave my body. I like the feeling of being strong. The other night, when Austin and I tackled the swamp grass in our back yard, I was pretty darn proud of myself. We mowed that tall grass for almost two hours. The mower kept clogging. Austin ended up weed wacking while I mowed behind him. It was hard, grueling work, but we did it! I didn't get that tired. I wasn't even sore the next day from all the bending over and lifting. I know it is because of the hard workouts I do lately. I feel my body getting stronger. I still get dizzy, but I adjust.

Well, it is time to read scriptures with my boys. I know life isn't easy. It isn't meant to be. But oh I hope we can survive the next few months. It is going to be tough!!!!

*I have to add Jason came to my rescue tonight. I was feeling pretty low after pack meeting. We went for a walk up Center Street and around the temple. It felt so good to get out and walk and talk together. I am going to go to the temple in the morning. I know it will help me more than anything else at this point.

Ashley's Special Blanket

2011-08-16T15:58:00.008-06:00

I didn't get a chance to write about the special gift from my sister. As many of you know, Ashley's 14th birthday was July 19. I blogged about that day previously. Not long after Ashley's birthday, my sister Tammy sent me a card in the mail. It was signed by all of my family, including cousins, aunts, and grandparents. They each related their love of our Ashley, and what she meant to them. It was so touching to me! At the same time, my sister included a picture of a blanket she had created. It was a special picture blanket, with various pictures of Ashley. (I will include pictures for all to see). When I saw the blanket, I cried! It is a beautiful tribute to our angel. Also included with the blanket was a special figurine of a little blond haired fairy. My sister has a talent of finding the most darling little things which remind me of my Ashley. I loved the little fairy as well! Words cannot express how grateful I was for my sister's thoughfulness.

I also wanted to post pictures of two wreaths I created on Memorial Day. We were not able to travel to Burley to decorate Ashley's grave. As such, I decided to create something to honor her here in Logan. I have to say, not being a crafty person, I think I did a pretty good job. (0: I do want to thank everyone for their love and prayers and kind words as we once again faced Ashley's birthday. It was a hard day, but with so many wonderful people behind us, I survived! (0: Enjoy the pictures!

What a great weekend! (August 14, 2011)

2011-08-14T21:36:00.004-06:00

I think it is so fun to play with the font colors! (0: It keeps the blog more interesting for sure! Ha ha ha! (0: I have so much to write about again, I am not sure where to begin. Friday turned out to be both a good and bad day for us. Jason's wonderful grandma dropped by some money and a ton of coupons so we could go school shopping. I was so grateful to her for her generosity. Our money is so tight right now. With Jason's job on the line, every penny counts. I was not planning to buy the boys anything new, with the exception of backpacks, until I knew where we stood financially. As it worked out, we were able to find some wonderful deals. They each bought a couple pairs of pants and a couple of new shirts. We also went out for lunch. It was a superfun afternoon. I also found out I get to work at Woodruff again this year. I was so thrilled! I loved my job last year. I am eager to work with the students again. I definitely have more confidence, and I know what I am doing. It is also comforting to know we will have an extra income. My contribution last year wasn't much, but it definitely helped. My school schedule is going to be demanding, but I will be alright. I just have to stay on top of all my deadlines. The bad thing about Friday was that Jason was informed by the general manager that the HR people decided to fire him after all. I have so say, I am so sick and tired of Verizon Wireless. They tell him he is getting fired. Then they tell him he isn't. Then he is. Then he isn't. It has been this way for three months now, and it is absolutely ridiculous! He was all geared up to work his fanny off for the next three weeks and make them the best he could. Now there is no point. Needless to say, he came home very downhearted. There wasn't anything I could say or do to comfort him. Dang Verizon people! He isn't alone in his frustration. There are several other employees in the same boat as Jason. They are at their wits end as well. At least Jason can say he didn't do anything wrong. He worked hard and did his best every day. He won't have any regrets about his work ethnic. I pray he will be able to find a job where he can be appreciated for the wonderful man he is and what he can bring to a company!! We have lots of praying to do!!

We did get the opportunity to travel to Burley with my awesome sister, Tammy, this weekend. My darling cousin just returned from a mission to St. Louis, Missouri. She reported her mission today. There was also a big celebration for my Grandma and Grandpa Morgan this weekend. Both of my grandparents are celebrating their 90th birthdays, so their respective families and friends gathered to honor them. I was not able to attend the celebration. It was on Friday night, but I did get the opportunity to visit with my super cool aunts. We had a big family barbecue on Saturday evening with my family and my extended family. It is always so fun to sit and visit with one another. My aunt Peg and uncle Jim stayed for a while after dinner was over. We all sat around, joking and laughing for almost two hours. It was a blast! Of course, we were all up super late. I sat up and talked with Tammy until almost 1:30. I think Austin was up until almost 3:00. He absolutely could not sleep. (Gee, I wonder where he got his insomnia from???) This morning, the troops were exhausted. I actually let Austin stay home from the missionary report. He was not very happy, and I truthfully felt like it would be better for all of us for him to stay home and rest. That was a smart decision. (0:

The report was wonderful! Carrie had such a special spirit about her! She was a fantastic misisonary. She shared so many wonderful missionary experiences! I wish I could relate them all like she did. One which really stuck with me was an experience she had with a lady in one of her first areas. This particular lady was baptized into the church, but later fell away. She met up with the missionaries and desired very much to return to church again. The problem was, she was hit hard with tons of opposition. In one week, this poor sister lost her home, her husband, and her car. She was left with nothing and small children to support. The church came to her rescue, and helped her get back on her feet. Carrie said this lady had every reason to turn her back on the church. Since taking the discussions, her life had become increasingly difficult. Instead of becoming bitter, this faithful sister got up in fast and testimony meeting and expressed her love for the gospel. She knew it was true, and despite her destitute situation, she knew she was not alone. With the Savior on her side, she could conquer anything. I know that is so true! Our family has been through so much in the past few years. Sometimes I still wonder how we ever survived. We did not travel the difficult path alone. At the most destitute and heart breaking times, the Savior was there. I know He carried me when I lost my angel. There is no other way I could let her go. I know He carried me numerous times last year, as I struggled to adjust to our new life. With God, nothing is impossible! I hope I always remember that.

After church, we headed back to my parent's home for another family dinner. And then it was back to Logan. It was a fast trip, but so worth it! I feel so fortunate to belong to such an amazing family. Not just my immediate family, but my extended family as well. They are all such great examples for me. Of course there was nothing greater than coming home to my husband. I wish he could have come to Burley too, but his work schedule did not permit it. Even if they are firing him any day now, he is not giving up. He went to work and did his part. We did get to go on our Sunday walk up Center Street. Jason and I love to walk Center Street. For those of you who have never seen it, it is spectacular! There are many historic homes. The sidewalks are covered by beautiful shade trees. I don't know what it is that struck us about Center Street. Perhaps it was the history of the homes. Perhaps it was the pristine street. There is definitely a special spirit as you walk along that street. The other cool thing about Center Street is that it is only a few blocks from the temple. We can walk up to the temple grounds in only a few minutes, and have several times. It has become our special activity together. I won't say that I don't mind the additional exercise either! (0: I truly have come to love Logan. It is a beautiful place, and I am thankful for our experiences here.

Pictures of Yellowstone Trip July 2011

2011-08-12T10:58:00.014-06:00

Winn Family Update

2011-08-11T23:15:00.004-06:00

It is very late and I am tired. This past week has been stressful. Jason was told he would be let go on August 10th. They told him that last month, but then decided to keep him. He went to work yesterday expecting to be sent home, but the H.R. people did not send management his termination email. He went to work today expecting the same thing and was told they are keeping him for another month. While I am grateful he still has a job, it is so frustrating to keep stringing him along like they are. There are other employees in the same boat as Jason is. No one knows what corporate will do. I think Jason should look for another job. Verizon is not a good company to work for at all! They tell you one thing and then do another. Their rules are unfair. One of the assistant managers just got engaged. She wants to transfer to California to be with her fiance, but the company won't let her because she has a write-up on her record. She was told she must remain in Logan for six more months, until that write-up clears, getting married or not. She just put in her notice she will be leaving the company. It is ridiculous!

I still don't know if I get my job back yet. I spoke to the principal at Woodruff and he did not have his approved list of funding from the district. He was hoping to know something by this week, but hasn't yet. I really want to work at the school again. It was the perfect job for me. It gets me in the school, working with kids. The money was helpful, and I loved having a place to go every day. It worked great with my USU schedule. I am not sure what the Lord has in store for our family, but we definitely have lots of praying to do.

I am having a hard time with my calling again. I swear this calling has been the most difficult for me yet. No matter what I do, I am met with opposition. Last month, we were unable to have a committee meeting because no one was able to come. I can understand that, with so many people traveling and such. My frustration came on pack night. We had a bike rodeo. I was really excited about it, but as usual, I felt like it flopped. No one came to help set up the course. I had asked my den leaders to help with that, but they bailed on me. I did the best I could with what I had. It could have been better if I had help, but one person can only do so much. I only had one den leader show up to pack night. He came because he was our guest speaker. The other den leaders didn't bother to make assignments again. I had to scramble to find boys for prayers and flag ceremony. So frustrating!! I spent almost two hours setting up the course, which the boys destroyed in a short time. They didn't follow the instructions at the various stations, but without leaders helping run the stations, what could I do? The parents didn't say anything. The boys knocked over the cones and chairs. I know their parents didn't realize how much work I put into that course. When it was time to tear things down, only one person helped me. I had chairs all over the parking lot, dividing up the various stations. It was not an easy task to clean up. I felt alone and abadoned like I always do. I truly don't like this calling and I am not sure what to do about it.

Preston had his leg surgery today. At the beginning of the summer, I noticed what looked like a blood blister on Preston's leg. One afternoon, he accidentally popped it while playing outside. It bled like a blood blister would, but did not go away. It came back. As time went on, it continued to grow, looking more like a wart all the time. Finally, when it kept bleeding, I took him to the doctor. The doctor had no idea what it was. He watched it for a little while. It continued to grow, and so today, the doctor removed it. The procedure went very well. Preston was a trooper the whole time. He has six stiches which will remain for ten days. In the mean time, they will biopsy the growth to make sure it isn't anything harmful. I am thankful we finally got it off of his leg. I have worried about it for quite a while now. When we were swimming on Monday, he bumped it on the wall of the pool and it bled for a long time. Just a nasty thing to deal with!

Jason has healed fairly well from his procedure. The past couple of days haven't been good however. He has had more bruising, swelling, and pain. I am not sure if the increased pain and swelling are because he is on his feet all day long or because of complications. He is in lots of pain tonight and I am praying he is okay. He has enough stress already.

I do know the Lord is watching over our family. I was so stressed with the thought of Jason without a job. He has never had a problem finding work before, but we don't have as much savings now as we had previously. Thankfully he will be employed for at least three more weeks. In the mean time, he will continue to look for another job. It seems like life always throws hurdles at you. But with every trial comes the strength to endure it. I know we will get through these!!!

Friday August 5, 2011

2011-08-05T20:32:00.003-06:00

Today has been a much better day. I was so out of it yesterday. I spent a long time in prayer last night, pondering over how to stop the feelings that were overwhelming me. This morning, I was blessed to attend the temple. I absolutely LOVE how I feel when I am in the temple. Every care I had was lifted off my shoulders. I was overcome with feelings of happiness and peace. I knew I was going to be all right. As I sat in the celestial room, praying and pondering, I had one very distinct thought fill my mind. I need to pray more. I need to pray out loud, and I need to really think about what I am praying about. I say my prayers, but often I shoot off a quick prayer because I am in a hurry. I never pray before I study the scriptures and I should. Sometimes I am so tired before bedtime, I fall asleep while praying. I lose my train of thought. I realized today prayer is one of the most powerful tools we have. It is our link to a loving Father in Heaven who can see the whole picture when we can't. He is there to guide us and help us, ALWAYS, but it is up to us to reach out to him. Sometimes when I am afraid of a particular answer, I won't pray about a certain problem. One such example is my health. I have been petrified about seeing a doctor. I have no idea where this fear of doctors came from. Perhaps it is from all the years of going to doctors who told me I was fine when I wasn't. I know I have a problem that must be dealt with. I know if I asked, I would be guided to go to the right doctor and I would be blessed to find a way to deal with my problem. I haven't wanted to deal with the situation, so I haven't prayed about it. I can't blame anyone but myself that I still don't feel well. The point here is that I need to tap into that spiritual power. If anyone needs guidance in his/her life, I do. There are so many things I want to do with my life. I want to get my education. I want to raise my children to be strong, righteous, and valiant. I want to serve and help and lift others every day. I know there is always someone who needs a smile, a hug, a simple pick-me-up. I want to know I am doing everything in my power to be worthy of the wonderful blessings in store for the righteous. I want to know when I die that I did all I could on this earth to fulfill God's plan for my life. Today I felt hopeful I am on that path. Even though I am not perfect, and I made mistakes in the past, I am still a good person. I am trying hard and working every day to be better. Heavenly Father will help me as I reach out to Him. With God, all things are possible! Even for plain old Connie Winn!

On a different note, Jason and I made a VERY difficult decision this week. After lots of prayer, we decided our family is complete. Perhaps that was part of the reason I was sad. In my heart, I wondered if we were supposed to have another baby. This week it was confirmed to both Jason and I that a baby wasn't in the plans for us. So at 11:30 today, Jason had surgery to prevent any further pregnancies. The way it all went down further confirmed it was the right decision. We called the doctor on Tuesday to discuss this option. They just happened to have a cancellation for a consultation appointment on Wednesday. After that appointment, they happned to get an opening for the surgery today. Jason was able to have the procedure completed while he already had time off work and before we lost our insurance. I hate to say that it was a blessing, but it was. Within a short time, we would have been faced with this decision, as my IUD must be removed soon. I wasn't sure without insurance how I could afford another. Heavenly Father blesses us in all aspects of our lives, even when it comes to family planning. (0: Consequently with Jason needing some quiet recuperation time, I took the boys to the Aquatic Center this afternoon. I have to say, I am so proud of my boys and their swimming abilities. Preston and Spencer are both in the deep water now. Austin already has beautiful strokes and he is a super diver. Today I practiced diving and elementary backstroke with Spencer and Preston. They both did so well!! (0: We played tag and enjoyed some time in the shallow pool under the water buckets. It was a blast! After swimming, we downed some ice cream and headed home. Austin and Preston weren't home more than 20 minutes before they wanted to swim in our little pool. I love swimming so much it is fun to see them love it as well. Jason is actually doing alright tonight. He is sore and swollen, but what a trooper!! I haven't heard him complain once and he certainly has every right to complain!

I also have to add I spent some time last night on USU's website. It got me soooo excited for school to begin! I have some amazing classes coming up, including Child Guidance, Analysis of Behavior, and Introduction to Folklore. I printed up my book list. It looks like I will be in books almost $400.00 which is better than last semester. Last semester I payed $500.00 for books! Man college is expensive! But oh so worth it. I am thrilled to be learning again!!

Well, time to get kids ready for bed. I hope everyone has a wonderful night!! (0:

Stupid Dang Depression!! I HATE IT!

2011-08-04T12:45:00.004-06:00

Last night was a horrible night. I absolutely could not get a grip on myself. All I could do was cry. Jason was amazing! He tried everything he could do to console me. However, I was up a good portion of the night. I don't know what is wrong. It is like all of a sudden I am at the bottom again. I know this happens to me, but why now? There are so many exciting things coming up soon. I am thrilled to be back in school. My classes for fall are going to be challenging but so fun! (0: I am not sure about my job at Woodruff yet, but hopefully I will be working there as well. The summer has been awesome. We have been able to do lots of fun things. The kids have loved the time with cousins. We just had a wonderful trek into Yellowstone, which was a blast. I guess on the flip side, there are some challenges to overcome. One of the biggest is that Jason will lose his job soon. There is nothing he can do to prevent that. He has done everything he can, been the best worker he can be. He has been responsible, hard working, kind, patient, compassionate, and accommodating. It doesn't matter that all his customers, as well as management and employees love him. If his numbers don't measure up, he is gone. It sucks!! Verizon has no loyalty what so ever! It is all about numbers. I would rather Jason work for a company who rewards their employees for hard work and appreciates good leaders when they have them. I am concerned about the loss of a job. I know Jason can get a job anywhere. I am confident about that. But we already have financial strain. I hope we make it through.

I also haven't felt the best lately. I knew at the first part of the summer I needed to deal with my health challenges. I kept putting it off because I hate doctors so much. Then I put it off because I knew we couldn't afford medical bills. Now I won't have the means to do anything about it. I have learned to accommodate. Some days I do fine. Other days, I feel pretty crappy. I have pushed myself every day to exercise, even on the bad days. Even though I am not losing weight, the exercise certainly helps my mood. I have learned I must take time after a hard workout to walk around and collect myself. I always feel dizzy when I finish. I have also learned not to be afraid of the dizziness. It is an every day thing I deal with. This week has been especially bad for me. But it always is when my hormones are out of whack. I think that is the reason I have been extra tired. Afternoons are always hard. I have more problems then. Sometimes driving in traffic bothers me. Sometimes I will have waves of dizziness while sitting in church, at the temple, waiting at stop lights, or at home while watching TV. When I get off balance, it is hard to walk. It is hard to sit. I get nervous, especially when I am driving. But like I said, I have learned to accommodate. I don't go places when I don't feel well. I rest when I need to. And I survive. I do get down when I feel under the weather. But it is my own fault. It isn't like I have done anything about it.

The other problem I have is this awful feeling of worthlessness. When those stupid feelings hit me, they hit me hard. I think that is one of the only ways Satan can get at me. He knows I am a person who has always struggled with self-esteem. I don't have any close friends, with the exception of Jason. I don't feel talented or extraordinary in any way. Basically, I see myself as a plain old individual and he plays up on that every chance he gets. I am trying so hard to overcome this weakness, but as of yet, I have not found a way to conquer it. I will just have to keep looking and keep trying to beat those blues. It makes me feel awful when I get so down. I have said this numerous times before: I have so many wonderful things in my life. I don't want to be ungrateful or unappreciative of all the good there is. But I can't seem to keep myslf on top. It is hard to explain these feelings to Jason when they come. He takes my unhappiness to mean I am unhappy with him, which isn't true. I am simply trying to understand my stupid body and figure out a way to beat it. I don't always want to talk about it. I can't always explain how I am feeling. I don't want others to see me as a wimpy sap. You wouldn't believe how long I have lived in this way and no one has ever known how hard it has been. I am pretty dang proud of myself for being so strong and enduring such a horrible personal trial.

Well, life calls. I was hoping writing would help me understand myself a little better. It didn't make me feel better, but I do have hope I will pull out of this. I just have to keep up the faith.

Regrets

2011-08-03T15:07:00.003-06:00

I have no idea what is the matter with me lately. I just haven't been feeling like myself. I have been emotional and tired. (No, I am NOT pregnant!) I haven't slept well. I miss Ashley terribly. My heart has been hurting so badly! I thought I was dealing pretty well with life in general, but lately I don't feel like I am. It all started around the time of her birthday. Ashley's birthday is July 19, which is only a few days after mine. I wanted her birthday to be special. Last year, we were in Burley. We went swimming, ate pizza, and had cake. We also lauched balloons at her gravesite. I bought gifts for my neices in honor of my princess. It was a wonderful day. This year, we talked with the boys and decided to do two of her favorite activites. We went to Chuck-A-Rama and we picked out some of her most favorite candy in lieu of cake. We talked about her and looked at pictures. It was a good day for all of us. Shortly after her birthday, we went to Yellowstone. This was the first year we were in Yellowstone without her. I thought I was okay with that. On the day we came home, I felt myself aching inside, missing her, wishing she were able to be with us. She has been on my mind constantly since. It doesn't help that last week, I was reminded of mistakes I made in my past. It made me think of all the time I wasted. I am not proud of who I was then. It wasn't that I was an evil person, but I put priorities on things which were not important. I had one friend in particular whom I cared for a great deal. But this friend did not have honorable intentions. The friendship led me to places I did not want to be. Fortunately for me, my husband came to my rescue. He helped me to see the error of my ways. He helped me down the road to repentence. We began to be a team once again. I was able to communicate with him as I had never been able to before. We fixed what was broken. I will be forever be grateful I had my life in order when Ashley died. I needed the gospel to get me through. I also needed my husband. I could not have survived without him. The thing that kills me most now is how much time I wasted on unimportant things. I could have spent more quality time with my angel. I could have served better. I could have been closer to the spirit. Now I have to live with all these regrets. Lately, they seem so HUGE! It breaks my heart that I was unable to see the eternal perspective for so long!! In addition, I hurt my husband a great deal. I think a lot of his struggles stem from me and who I was then. I am trying so hard to love him and make him feel like my special king. Unfortunately with life circumstances like they are, he is already down. Today I know he was down because of me. While I put my life in order, and am living the gospel of Jesus Christ to the fullest every day, I have to live with these regrets. It doesn't make me like myself at all. Sometimes I feel I am never going to be good enough to be with my little girl someday. I hope she knows how very much she changed my life. I hope she knows how sorry I am for all the times when I didn't read to her, didn't take her for walks in her little purple wheelchair, didn't sing her to sleep, didn't spend an extra hour talking about the stars in her science class, didn't teach her more about the gospel. I can't take that back, but I can make the future better. I can make sure I never repeat those mistakes again. One day at a time!!

Thursday July 28, 2011

2011-07-28T16:33:00.004-06:00

What a wonderful past few days it has been! Our family was blessed with the opportunity to go to Yellowstone National Park with my entire family (siblings and parents and grandkids). We left last Friday morning for Idaho Falls. Idaho Falls became our rendezvous point. We all stayed at the Red Lion, which was across the street from the beautiful falls. We met David and Alisha for dinner and then we all headed back to the motel for swimming and fun. The kids were dying by that point to swim. I think that was the funnest part of the trip for them. Ha ha ha ha! We had the pool all to ourselves, which was good considering we filled it up. (0: We did have an interesting experience while in the pool which I feel is worth mentioning. We met a family who was visiting America from Japan. They were part of a tour group, traveling to Yellowstone on a bus. They had two children. Their daughter was jumping into the pool while spinning in circles. At one point, she missed her jump and fell. Her chin hit the side of the pool and split open. Amy rushed over to help the mom. The split itself wasn't really bad. We gave the mom a butterfly bandage, which closed up the wound pretty well. The problem was, the little girl kept crying. She was unable to move her jaw. At that point, the mom felt she needed to take her daughter to the hospital. Amy and I were both concerned there could be an injury to her jaw. Of course, being in a strange country, and without a vehicle to transport them, the mom was very worried. We would have helped her in a heartbeat, but the motel staff offered to shuttle them to the emergency room. What really upset me about the whole situation was the way the hotel staff talked to the father of the little girl. He had gone to the front desk, trying to see if there was any way the hotel would help pay for the expense of the ER visit. They informed him they were not responsible for her accident. They said she broke the rules and that made them free from responsibility. While that may have been true, there was no reason for them to be so rude about it. You can say that without making the other person feel like a idiot. I was not impressed with the front desk staff. They were rude to my parents when they asked for an ice bucket which was missing from their room. They were rude to my sister when she asked for an extra towel, since her towel had blood on it. We never did find out what happened to the family. I hope they were alright. They were super nice people. I just wish the stupid hotel staff wouldn't have been so rude to them.

Saturday was our first day in the park. We drove to West Yellowstone, where we again gathered as a group and then headed into Old Faithful. Grand Geyser, one of our very favorites, was set to erupt around 4:00 p.m. We arrived with only minutes to spare!! Grand gave a great show!! It was awesome! Then we walked around the boardwalks and headed out to Morning Glory pool. We also hiked past Morning Glory to another geyser located back toward Biscuit Basin. That was fun too! It was a long walk back in, and by the time we got back to our cars, the kids were tired and hungry. We ate a quick dinner and then split forces. Some of our group went to watch Riverside Geyser. Some of us waited for Castle Geyser. We took our kids for ice cream and then to the new visitor's center. We saw Old Faithful as well. We took the kids into the Old Lodge and looked around in there. It was fun! By the time we drove back to West Yellowstone, it was after 9:00 p.m. It was cool because all of our rooms were in a row, with the exception of David and Alisha. They were downstairs. The kids loved going from room to room. I will point out, we were exceptionally cautious about keeping them quiet. With that many children, it was a challenge.

The next day was Sunday and our first stop was Midway Geyser Basin. Then we went to Black Sand Basin and hiked the loop there. We also hiked to Artemesia Geyser, which is a short hike into the woods across the street from Black Sand Basin. It was so enjoyable to be in the woods. I loved the smell of the pine trees and the gentle breeze. The weather wasn't too hot or cold. We were so blessed while we were there.

After our hikes, we drove to a darling picnic site and had lunch. The kids were quick to find a trail which led off into the forest. We hiked the trail for a little way before it was time to depart. It was only a little ways until we reached the West Thumb Geyser Basin. I love West Thumb. The first time we saw that basin, it was ugly. The pools were brown. It was desolate. Only a couple of years later, there was a shift in the hot spot. Two of the pools became bright blue. One of the pools started erupting enough the boardwalk had to be moved back. It was like the basin came to life. On this visit, the basin was equally beautiful. West Thumb sits right on Yellowstone Lake, and the lake was spectacular this year. The water was very high and deep blue. Just gorgeous! There was a pleasant wind coming from across the lake, so the loop by the water was refreshing. It was fun!

After West Thumb, we drove to Grant Village. There is a darling gift shop there, as well as yummy ice cream. Let me tell you, there is nothing more revitalizing to children than ice cream! Ha ha ha! They ate up and then we all spent a while looking around the gift shop. Then it was back on the road. We all regrouped at the Fountain Paint Pots, hiked the loop there, and then headed over to catch Great Fountain Geyser. Great Fountain is another favorite of our family. The crater it is located in is spectacular, but it also has an amazing eruption. We arrived just in time to see the geyser erupt. By that time, it was dinner time and we had some hungry troopers. So we all decided to head back to West Yellowstone for dinner.

Monday was another great day. Unfortunately part of our family had to head for home. Poor Chris and Jessica ended up with a very sick little girl. Annie threw up five times in the night. Poor Alexis woke up in the middle of it all and cried for almost two hours. Jessica was beside herself by morning. They decided they better head back to Burley to care for their sick one. We were fortunate in that we got to keep Burke. He is such a great kid, it wasn't a problem at all to keep him. (0:

Our first stop was Norris Geyser Basin. I was always a fan of Norris when I was younger, but this year, it wasn't great. Many of the pools were dull. There were tons of people and it was very hot. But even with the setbacks, it was fun to be a family, walking around and laughing together. By the time we finished our hikes at Norris, the kids were starving. I have to admit, I was hungry too. We found a really fun picnic area with a creek. We stayed there for a while and let the kids play in the water. They had a blast! They could have gladly stayed by that little creek all day long. But reality set in, and it was time to hit our next destination: Grand Canyon of the Yellowstone. Our first stop was Brink of Lower Falls. You get to hike about half a mile down to a viewpoint right at the edge of the falls. It was amazing! After all the hiking we had done thus far, the kids were tired. They did not want to hike anymore. Dawn and Jaxon have a favorite hike they like to do every year, which was an additional three miles. My parents decided to take the children to the visitor's center in Canyon Village while Dawn, Jaxon, Tammy, Jason and I hiked the North Rim Trail. David and Alisha, Kris and Amy decided to drive the Mammoth/Tower Falls Loop and meet up with us later in West Yellowstone. Our little group set out for our hike. It was truly beautiful!!! We did end up on the South Rim Trail. We saw the area where the man was attacked by a bear and killed only a week before we were in Yellowstone. They have the trail closed and have bear warning signs posted all over the area. It was scary to be in a place where we knew a bear had killed someone. We didn't see a bear on our hike, but we did see a deer. I figured with a deer in the area, there was not likely to be a bear, so we were safe.

After our jaunt, we went back to the visitor's center and met up with our parents and children. Of course, it was ice cream time again. Ha ha ha! (0: Then we left Canyon and drove to Gibbon Falls. The new overlook there is spectacular! They did a wonderful job! There were lots of big rocks there, so you can imagine where the kids played. After Gibbon, it was back to West Yellowstone for food and souvenir shopping. At the end of that day, we were all tired. I don't think the kids have ever slept so soundly!

Tuesday morning it was time to head for home. Part of our family decided to head to Jackson. I didn't have a good feeling about making the trip, and it was a good thing we didn't go. Our van has been acting up for a while now. Unfortunately, the mechanic has been unable to narrow down the problem. He tried, but when he drove it for three days, it never had any problems. Anyway, Jason and I took our little family and headed to Mesa Falls. I have seen the sign for Mesa Falls before, but have never been there. It was so fun! We stopped at both overlooks and visited the Visitor's Center there. I had a special experience while we were at the upper falls overlook. I was standing, looking out over the river. I had been thinking about Ashley the entire trip, remembering what it was like to have her with us. She had been on my mind a great deal that morning as well. As I stood there, I had the most happy, peaceful feeling come over me. It was like she was telling me she was alright and that she didn't want me to be sad. I knew she was near. I am so lucky to have been her mom. Every day it seems like I find another blessing that came from having her as part of our family. I wish I could tell her just what she did for me, how she changed my heart and my life, how she brought such unity to our family. She was my princess, and she always will be.

On the way home, we stopped in Idaho Falls to eat. Right after we got back on the freeway, the van died. It did restart after a few minutes, but after that, it ran rough all the way home. We ended up coming home through Downey. It seemed to do better at slower speeds. I am so thankful I listened to the prompting I had earlier that morning. Had we gone to Jackson, I am not sure we would have made it. Who knows where we would have been stuck, with a van that wasn't running well, and not up to traveling over mountain passes. The cool part of this story is that we had no trouble the entire time we were in Yellowstone. I know that was not an accident. We were blessed. We were blessed with the financial means to make the trip. We were blessed with good health. In the time I needed to know my angel was close, I felt her.

I am so grateful for this wonderful world we have been given to live in. Looking at the beautiful and breathtaking sights around us, there is no way one can deny there is loving Father in Heaven, who loves us, who is always near, ready to help us in times of trial. I feel right now like I am in the eye of the storm. Life this summer has been so peaceful. I haven't felt so much peace in a very long time. While the storms of life continue to rage on, I have learned to dance in the rain. And it feels so great!!!!!!

Friday July 15, 2011

2011-07-15T15:54:00.003-06:00

Okay, so now that I have expressed some of my feelings, I want to update everyone on the Winn Family and our doings over the past month. We have been enjoying our summer very much. The boys took swimming lessons and made great progress. We have had several outings with the cousins, (mostly swimming), and have loved spending time with them. Spencer and Preston both went to day camp not long ago. It was a blast to get to be with both my sons this year. I actually went to Camp Fife two days in a row. The first day was for Wolves and Bears. The second day was for Webelos. I learned so much at camp and found myself enjoying the chance to learn and re-learn several things.

We were also blessed to attend Freedom Fire at Utah State. Diamond Rio came this year and performed before the firework show. They also had a wonderful chorus and orchestra who sang and performed with Diamond Rio and on their own. It was a spectacular show! You never know what will make you sad. I find that out every day. At the Freedom Fire celebration, Diamond Rio sang the song, "One More Day". I have heard that song many times before, but for some reason, the words hit my heart like a sledge hammer. I have to post them here so that you can read them too. It made me think of my beautiful angel and how very much I would love one more day with her!

Last night I had a crazy dream
A wish was granted just for me
It could be for anything
I didn't ask for money
Or a mansion in Malibu
I simply wished, for one more day with you

One more day
One more time
One more sunset, maybe I'd be satisfied
But then again
I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you

First thing I'd do, is pray for time to crawl
Then I'd unplug the telephone
And keep the TV off
I'd hold you every second
Say a million I love you's
That's what I'd do, with one more day with you

One more day
One more time
One more sunset, maybe I'd be satisfied
But then again
I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you

Leave me wishing still, for one more day
Leave me wishing still, for one more day

As you can see, the words are beautiful! It touched my mommy heart and made me long to hold my little girl again!!!

Last weekend we had a wonderful opportunity to attend the Merrill family reunion in Sandy, Utah. All of my mom's sisters were there, as well as almost all the cousins. We ate great food, visited our hearts out, and took our kids to the Classic Fun Center. Then it was back to a beautiful park for more food and a special program for Grandma Morgan. I loved the chance to get together. There is nothing like gathering with family members whom you love and who you know love you back. My family, these wonderful people, were the ones who stood with our family when we lost our girl. They sent notes, flowers, emails, care packages, etc. during that awful time. I couldn't have survived without their love and support. What a wonderful opportunity to be with them!!

Yesterday was my 36th birthday. I can't believe I am that old already!! Crazy!! Jason spoiled me rotten, as usual! He bought me my favorite breakfast sandwich from McDonalds. And yes, I do love McGriddles! After swimming lessons, we went miniture golfing with the boys. We were able to play two rounds and our boys did great! They take after their dad: natural golfers in the making! Ha ha ha! Then we went home and ate lunch and rested for a bit. Jason and I left for a while and ran some errands together. It is always so neat to get one on one time with my sweetheart! (0: Then we came home and gathered up our little troopers. We went to dinner and then went shopping at the mall. Then it was to Casper's for dessert. We LOVE Casper's. They have the most delicious brownie delight EVER! That was what I wanted for my birthday treat. We came home and got our boys to bed. I couldn't have asked for a more perfect day. Jason made me feel like his queen. He always does.

As for Jason's job, we are in total limbo. Corporate has not decided what they want to do with him. They are threatening to fire him, as well as all the management team. The whole store hasn't produced the numbers corporate desires. The stupid thing about a company like Verizon is that is doesn't matter how hard you work, or what a great asset you are to the store, or how many customers adore you, including management. If you don't hit their quotas, you are gone. The general manager of the Logan store has been with Verizon for 6 years now. He is a great worker, and has done Verizon well. But now, the store numbers aren't good enough, so the big wigs are threatening to replace him. He says this is the first time in the past six years he has ever stressed over his job. He has a new baby. It is crazy!!! That is the breaks of working for such a corporate giant. They don't care about their workers. All they care about is numbers and money. Years of good service and outstanding work ethnic mean nothing if you don't hit the numbers. I am not sure what to pray for. I don't know if Jason should stay with Verizon. I am not sure I wish for that. If at any time they aren't pleased with his numbers, despite his outstanding work ethnic, they will replace him. You can never feel comfortable. We have lots of praying to do over the whole situation.

Life calls. It is time to begin dinner. I am so grateful for my life. I have much to be thankful for. Logan has been good for us, despite all the hard times. If there is one thing I have learned over the past few years, it is to never fear a challenge. I will face those challenges head on!! With faith in every footstep and a constant prayer in my heart, our family will survive. I will survive! With God, all things are possible!!!

Friday July 15, 2011

2011-07-15T14:33:00.002-06:00

I decided I better repent and be better about writing in my blog. I have had so many wonderful experiences over the past couple of months. I have felt a strong urge to write them down, but haven't done it yet. So here goes.

Living in Logan hasn't been easy. I have expressed that in this blog numerous times before. But despite the challenges of our move, I would be so ungrateful if I didn't write about all the good that has come with this change for our family. I learned a great lesson last week. I had the opportunity to attend scout camp with my little cubs. You have to understand, being cubmaster has been the most challenging calling I have ever had. It seems at every turn, something goes wrong. Most of my pack meetings have been miraculous in themselves, simply because of all that has gone wrong. Almost all of my pack meetings have been planned and executed by me and me alone. I have not had good support from my den leaders. They are great at weekly den meetings, but when it comes to pack meetings, they are not helpful. When we held our Blue and Gold Banquet, not one leader helped decorate. My wonderful visiting teaching companion and her friend helped me set up. Only one of my leaders helped me cook that night, and she came 20 minutes before the event started. I thought I would have more people offer to help in the kitchen, with the cooking, or help put food on tables. But no. That did not happen. Instead, I had people criticizing me because we were late starting. I am sorry, but you can't be on time when you have no help. One person only has so much strength and ability. The person who saved me that night in my kitchen was my sister. She sacrificed her entire night to help. Her and my niece, Katriel, ran the kitchen for me. Every pack meeting has been like that. I come. I set up. No one else helps with anything. They don't even make assignments, so I have to scramble last minute to assign flag ceremony, prayers, skit, etc. I do it all alone. I got even more frustrated when it was time for our pinewood derby. Due to track scheduling problems, we were forced to move our derby to April. I okayed this change with my bishop, thinking all would be well. It wasn't. As it turned out, the other ward in our building reserved the gym the same night as our derby. They had a huge activity planned. Instead of telling me about the problem, the ward counsel decided to move our derby to the priesthood room. I only found out through a co-worker about the change. I was upset they didn't tell me there was a problem. After some research, I discovered our track would not fit into the priesthood room. The whole thing would have fallen apart and I would have taken the heat. As it was, I talked to my bishop two days before the derby. He make some calls and the other ward gave up the gym. It came together, but it was a miracle. I, however, came away feeling deeply discouraged. Last month's pack meeting was just as bad. I had scheduled the fire department to come speak. They called me two days before pack meeting and told me they could not come. I had two days to come up with an alternate plan. That was no easy feat!! I had fasted and prayed before this last pack meeting because I was so discouraged. Up to that point, I dreaded every pack meeting. I knew I would be alone and left to fend for myself, and I was tired of feeling like a failure. It seemed like my prayers were unheard. Everything went from bad to worse. The pack meeting seemed to crumble around me. Nothing went as planned. I came home and cried for a very long time. When we went to day camp, the peace I was seeking finally came. As I drove my van full of boys to Camp Fife, the spirit filled my heart. I knew this calling was where Heavenly Father wanted me to be. I knew I would not be alone. No matter how inadequate I am to fill it, he would help me to do my best. With that reassurance in my heart, I knew all would be alright. It was a testimony to me that Heavenly Father hears and answers our prayers. It isn't always in the way we think, but He hears us. He blesses us to do what we are called to do. The scriptures are full of wonderful stories about prophets who were asked to do great things, often things they felt were impossible. Yet, with faith and prayer and fasting, all of them succeeded. They did not fail. And I won't either. I just want to serve. I want to do my part and do what the Lord wants me to do. He has given me so many wonderful blessings. I want to pay Him back. I want to keep growing every day, becoming the best person I can be. I want to be with my little girl one day, and I know to get where she is, I have to keep working to be the most righteous woman I can be.

Okay, went off on a tangent there. Back to blessings. I can't tell you how many blessings have been given to our family. We have a wonderful home to live in. We are comfortable and happy here. The boys have the perfect place to explore and play. Our neighborhood is nice and safe. I love my neighbors. They are kind and caring. I got a great job. My job last year was a lifesaver for me. Heavenly Father knew I needed that job. I got out of the house. As you know from previous blog posts, I have struggled with depression. Last year, it got so bad at times, I was in a state of complete and utter despair. I would get so down, I felt like I contributed nothing to this world. I felt no one cared. I felt alone and worthless. It was awful!!!! One of my biggest pick me ups were those kids I was blessed to teach. They were delightful. I came to love each and every student. They were a perfect distraction for me. They made my aching heart feel a little better. There were so many days when I felt such sadness. They helped me to see I had something to contribute to this world, however small it seemed.

Since moving here, we have been blessed numerous times by family members. My sister has been amazing and we LOVE living near to her and her delightful family. It has also been a huge blessing to be closer to Jason's grandma. She has been a mother to him and has helped us so many times, I can't count them all. She is as generous as she is kind. It has been a perfect opportunity to give back to her. At the same time, when we help grandma, our boys also learn the blessings of service.

Jason and I have also grown so close since moving here. Nampa was not good for us. We encountered many hurdles while living there, and it was a blessing to leave those in the past. Last year, we were able to get up every morning and spend the morning getting ready for work together. We had weekly lunch dates, which we both loved. We also have found joy in exercising together. We love to take long walks through the beautiful streets of Logan. Through my schooling last year, Jason came to my rescue so many times. He helped with the house and with the boys. He listened to me when I was down and let me cry when my heart was breaking. When he became ill, it was the perfect opportunity for me to give back to him. The one thing I am really good at is caring for sick ones. I have had lots of practice in that area. So when Jason was sick, it was my privilege to care for him. And I must say, I think I did a pretty good job! (0:

I have also been blessed to attend the temple weekly. I never knew how much weekly temple attendance can bless your life. Now I do! I can't believe I lived for so many years without the temple in my life!! Serving in the temple has given me such peace! For the first time in a long time, I feel like I am truly a worthy, important daughter of God. I have come to appreciate all the trials in my life. A day doesn't go by when I don't thank Heavenly Father for Ashley. I thank Him for every day I had with her. I thank Him for every tear we shed, for the change her sweet life wrought upon my heart. She changed my life. She changed my heart. When I am in the temple, I feel so close to her. It is the one place I can talk to her, I can thank her for letting us be her parents. I wish everyone could feel what I feel when I am in the temple. My heart fills with pride when I think of those great pioneers and my own ancestors who worked so hard to build the Logan temple. My personal connection to it has also brought a special love of my ancestors to me. I feel so happy right now. I love being on the Lord's side. When you put Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ first in your life, there is such peace that comes. Even amidst trials and tribulations, you KNOW you are not alone. You can feel the divine purpose of each and every challenge. I have come to appreciate all the hard times. I want nothing more than to do all I can so that one day, I can be in the Celestial Kingdom with my family. I love my family so much! I love my parents, my brothers and sisters, my aunts, uncles and cousins. I have such a rich heritage, and I will not fail it!!!

Tuesday May 17, 2011

2011-05-17T17:08:00.003-06:00

Boy, it has been forever since I wrote in my blog last. Life got busy for a while, but now school is over and summer fun is rolling in. What an amazing year this has been for our family. I never dreamed we would be where we are today. I have loved every minute of school. My last semester was tough, and I had to be vigilant every second of every day to get through all the work, but I did it! And to top it off, I pulled another 4.0!! I was so proud of myself. I can't wait to continue on in my major. I have also throughly enjoyed my job at the school. That too has been a huge blessing in my life. I love the children I work with. I love the social interaction I have with the other paras. I love feeling like I have something I can contribute to this world. Don't take me wrong. I love being a mom, but for a long time, I didn't think think I had any skills. I have come to realize I can work with kids, and I am good at it. It has built my confidence up, and helped me to find my career path. I have been so blessed!

Our boys are doing well. For the most part, they are happy. Austin is still struggling with his ADHD. We put him back on his medication three months ago. Even with medication, he is very impulsive and often makes bad choices. He was going to counseling at the school, but I am not so hip on the school counselor here. He is a great person, but he isn't a behavior counselor. I am still in the process of finding another counselor who can help Jason and I with Austin. I am so scared if we don't help him now, before he is a teenager, we will lose him later on. Sometimes he makes me so angry, I don't want to be around him. He bullies his brothers. He takes off and I have no idea where he went. It is so hard at times! But I know with guidance from Heavenly Father, we will be able to find the help we need for our son.

Spencer is doing better as well. We had several months when he suffered from horrific stomach aches. After a few doctor visits, we found a medication which helped him. He also began seeing the counselor at school. Again, I don't think the counselor helped much. Spencer was clearly suffering from anxiety. I know it. I have it myself, and he exhibited every sign. I think I did more for him than anyone else did, only because I have walked this path myself. Fortunately, Spencer is feeling better. He stays every day for lunch now. For a long time, I brought him home for lunch every day. Thankfully, he feels happy and safe at school. He is making friends. I know Heavenly Father is watching over him.

Preston just turned 8. He will be baptized in June. I can't believe how grown up Preston is. He is very independent, much like Austin. Sometimes you can see the influence Austin has had on him. I pray every day Jason and I will set a good example for our sons. I want them to grow up loving the gospel! I want them to be good, strong, kind men who serve others and take care of one another.

It has been hard living in Logan. Despite all the good, there have been many struggles. Jason hasn't been well for a very long time. The doctor is blaming his fatigue, headaches, stomach problems, dizzy spells, and general malaise on the concussion he had a month ago. While I can see how that concussion made his symptoms worse, I feel his problems go deeper than that. He was not feeling well even before his fall. I am waiting until the end of this week and then I am taking him back to the doctor. I get so frightened that something is wrong with him. He is my rock! I lean on him for everything! There is no way I would have survived school without his constant love and support. He picked up all the pieces I couldn't. He cleaned the house and took care of the boys. He ran errands and encouraged me when I was down. I need him in my life. I just want him to be okay. I worry he is not.

As for myself, I don't feel the greatest. I started exercising last week. It has been a very long time since I did. My stupid head was giving me such fits, I couldn't. It is still bothering me, but at least I can exercise. I love the way exercise makes me feel!! It definitely helps with the depression. I have had such a fight with that! I feel bad when I get down. I know I have so much to be thankful for. When those downer moments hit, I bottom out, bad! I can't see anything positive! I don't feel like anyone likes me. It is insane! I have to reach and pull to get myself up again. Sometimes it takes a few days for that to happen. YUCK!

I think about Ashley every day. She was such a wonderful part of our lives. I can't believe how long it has been since she died. It seems like yesterday we had her funeral and said our final goodbyes. I had an interesting conversation at school not long ago that bothered me. We were talking about losing children, and the difference between sudden death and a predictable one. It was the consensus of the group that sudden death was way harder that a predicted one. I have never experienced the sudden death of a child. I pray I never have to. I have no idea what that experience would be like. But there is one thing I know: death hurts no matter what. The pain is still the same. While sudden death is traumatic and shocking, and there isn't time for final goodbyes like the one we had, predictable death is just as hard. I had to sit and watch my daughter slowly die over the course of many months. Every day was a struggle. It was emotionally exhausting in every way! I can't imagine the agony we experienced was easier than if she had suddenly died. It bothered me to think my experience was viewed as a lesser trial. We went through so much in those many months. My beautiful angel struggled so!! She was such a trooper! I wouldn't trade my time with her for anything. I learned so much about life, about the gospel, and about myself. I couldn't be more grateful for every hard moment. I have said that so many times. But it is true.

I have decided trials are truly the breadth of life. They keep us humble. They keep us focused on what truly matters. Over the past few months, I have had many times when I felt weak, unimportant, insignificant, and alone. But when I remember the courage our family had, the courage I had, during those last months of Ashley's life, I am so proud of myself. We survived. We grew so close. The spirit filled our home. I pray that we will always keep that spirit with us. I loved the way I felt in the days following Ashley's passing. I know the Holy Ghost filled my heart with peace. We were not alone. We are never alone in this life. Oh if everyone felt that spirit of peace! It is so comforting! (0:

Monday March 7, 2011

2011-03-07T22:02:00.002-07:00

I don't have much time. I never have much time these days. My heart is very full tonight, and I need to write down my feelings. Last Thursday marked 1 year since our beautiful angel passed peacefully from this life into the next. As I reflected back over that experience, re-reading blog posts, looking at her funeral pictures, the emotions of those days flooded back into my heart. It was such a heart-braking time for our family. She was so ill, and she had no quality of life left. Yet through it all, she still smiled. She had an unshakeable faith, a quiet calm, that in death, a glorious world awaited her. She was never afraid. She always worried about others. I still remember, on the last night I spent with her, how worried she was about me. She was so sick all night long, and I stayed up with her most of the night with her. I remember her saying, "Mom, I am so sorry I am keeping you awake. You are going to be so tired tomorrow. Please, just lay down and get some sleep." There she was, laying in complete agony, barely able to breathe, and she was worrying about her mom. She was such a sweetheart!! She was my angel.

Sometimes I wonder if I really did all I could for her. Did I tell her I loved her enough? Did I hug her and hold her enough? Did I say all I wanted to say before I couldn't speak face to face with her anymore? Oh how I would give anything for five minutes with her. I want to know what her life is like now. I want to feel that reassurance once again that she is happy and that she knows how much we miss and love her. I want her to know she changed my life. She gave me a reason for living. She gave me a boost of spiritual power I would never have gained in any other way. She cemented our family together. There are so many lives she touched. I don't think we will ever know the scope of her influence. She was a missionary, even after death.

To commemorate her life, we all took last Thursday off from work and school. We went to Salt Lake. We stayed in a motel, and took the boys swimming. They LOVED that. The next morning, we all went to the aquarium in Sandy. Ashley loved fish and sea creatures. In fact, when she was two, the Make a Wish Foundation granted her a wish, and her wish was to go to Sea World in California. She got to see the big whales and dolphins. It was so fun! It was a neat experience to be in that aquarium, remembering our trip to San Diego.

For lunch, we ate in Chuck a Rama. That was Ashley favorite place to eat. Every time we went to the doctor in Salt Lake, that was where she wanted to eat. The boys told Jason and I that we had to eat their, in her honor. So that was what we did.

After lunch, we went up to Primary Children's Hospital. Dr. Etheridge took time out of her busy schedule so we could see her. It was so comforting to be with Ashley's beloved doctor. Dr. Etheridge did so many wonderful things for Ashley over the course of her lifetime. She worked miracle after miracle. She was always kind and considerate of Ashley's feelings. There were many times when she called Jason and I after the appointments, so we could discuss Ashley's prognosis in private, where it wouldn't upset Ashley. We love Dr. Etheridge with all our hearts!! We love Primary Children's Hospital. It is a heavenly place, and I know there are angels there, watching over all the sick children who must stay there. If you sit and listen and feel while you walk down the halls of the hospital, you can feel them. When we went to see our friend's son at the hospital, who had endured a very painful operation, I felt them then. I know there were angels watching over Britton. They were with him like they were with my Ashley.

While the pain lingers, I know Heavenly Father has been so merciful to our family. We have had blessing after blessing. It hasn't been an easy road for sure. Moving to Logan has been hard. I have struggled a lot. I have cried a lot. Jason has struggled. He has shed tears too. Our wonderful sons have struggled. I have come to understand that life will never be easy. Sometimes we hurt. Sometimes it feels like a black cloud of despair is hanging over our heads. We feel like we will never escape. But every trial, every challenge, every heartache, makes us strong. It helps us grow into strong, humble spiritual beings, ready to take our place with our Father in Heaven. While I wish I still had my angel girl, and I will always have a hole in my heart because I can't have her on Earth with me anymore, I am so thankful for this trial, for this experience. I can see and appreciate things I couldn't. Life has a new meaning for me and for my family. We have something to strive for. I am not sure where our road will lead us. But I know as long as we are a close, strong family, we can face anything and we will survive!! Family is everything! I am so grateful for my husband, whom I love with all my heart. He makes my days bright. He lifts my burdens and heals my wounded heart. I am so thankful for my dear sons. They are so delightful, even when they fight. They keep my days interesting for sure! (0: I know Heavenly Father is watching over our family. We will keep moving forward, faith in our hearts, looking to our Savior for strength and comfort. It always comes.

Remembering Our Angel

2011-03-07T20:52:00.014-07:00

Remembering our angel. She was such a spunky, special young lady. She always thought of others. Never once, in her life of sadness and suffering, did she lose her faith. She faced every day with the strength of 10,000 stripling warriors. She was our hero, in every way. What an honor, what a privilege to be chosen as her parents. We love you Ashley Marie Winn! There is a hole in our hearts that will never be filled. What a joyous reunion awaits in the world to come!!!!!!!

Saturday January 15, 2011

2011-01-15T10:22:00.002-07:00

I don't have much time to write. A new semester has begun, and my load is a heavy one. However, despite the work involved, I am so thankful I get the opportunity to pursue the career of my dreams. It is means to an end. I just have to focus on the end. (0:

The struggles keep coming. Just when you think you made it over one hurdle, another one surfaces. I feel like that is the way of our life. I know we aren't alone in this. Everyone has challenges. It is through the support of one another that we are able to get over those hurdles and keep on moving forward. I want to thank everyone who has supported our family over the past year. We have some amazing friends and family who keep us going. We couldn't have done what we did without such angels in our life.

I sometimes wonder if I should write about my struggles. I don't want to appear weak or ungrateful. I hope I don't ever come across as a weak person. I am trying so hard to be strong and face all life has to throw at me with faith and courage. Right now, my nemesis is depression. It seems like when I pull myself out of one down moment, another one hits me in the face, and I bottom out again. I feel bad when I do get down because we truly have a lot to be thankful for. I do express gratitude on a daily basis for the good things in our life. However, sometimes when those low moments hit, it is all I can do to put a smile on my face. Let's just say, I am the queen of "fake it until you make it." Right now is one of those times. Jason is struggling at work. He isn't happy. And he hasn't had the success he desires. I worry about him every day. He needs me to be on top of the world to help him feel good about himself. I haven't been. Our poor little Spencer is a mess right now. He started having horrible stomach aches in November. They got so bad, I took him to the doctor to see what was wrong. The doctor didn't find anything wrong. After talking with Spencer, he decided perhaps we were dealing with anxiety. That is possible. I still struggle with that, and it can make you feel horrible! I tried to get Spencer into a counselor at school, but that didn't happen until yesterday. I am hoping with the counselor helping Spencer, he will be able to feel better once again and be happy. For those of you who know our Spencer, he is not an unhappy kid. He is very happy go lucky, but lately, he cries every day. His stomach hurts on a daily basis. It is all we can do to get him through school. For the past week, I have been bringing him home from school with me for lunch time. I figured until he gets some tools to help him cope, I will do all I can to help him out. He misses his old life in Nampa, especially all the wonderful friends he had there. School here is not as fun, and he is struggling with all the changes. We all are. There is a huge hole we can't avoid. It hurts all the time. You never know what will make you sad, or what will drag you down. My poor boys feel that too. It is one thing to lose someone you love so much. We got through Ashley's death and her burial. We survived our move here. But now, we have to deal with the hole that is left. And it plain out stinks!!! The tears come almost every day. The only thing that helps me is the knowledge that if we can get through this trial, the sun will shine once again. It always does. You just have to get through the storm first. The storm seems to continue on, and we are doing our best to hunker down and wait for the light. Thank goodness for all the wonderful examples in this world of faith and courage. There are so many Heavenly Father has placed in my life. Thank goodness for family, for friends, for the gospel of Jesus Christ. I pray every day I can endure the depression, the anguish, the worry, the aches and pains of my stupid physical body, the self-doubt, etc and stay strong. I pray I will never lose site of the eternal perspective. Truly, the eternal perspective is the only thing that is keeping me going right now. At times, I get so down, I just want to evaporate and escape this life. At those times, when I pour my heart out to God, the peace always comes. It is enough to help me get up and keep on moving forward. The pain might not go away. The ache might remain, but I feel enough strength, I know I can survive one more day. The sun will shine again. We all have to believe that.

Saturday January 1, 2011

2011-01-01T15:07:00.003-07:00

It is so hard to believe it has been almost a year since we buried our little angel. I wish I could say time dulls the pain. But it doesn't. The ache, the longing to see Ashley's beautiful smile and sparkly eyes, to buy her cute clothes and take her on mommy/daughter outings: it never leaves. It tears at your heart at the most bizzare moments: a dance recital, a grocery store, a church meeting, the doctor's office. I never know what will set me off or make me sad. I have had so many ups and downs over the Christmas holidays, I don't know what to do with myself. Jason probably doesn't either. Thankfully, we survived the holidays. I can't believe I did. Boy, that makes me sound pretty weak, doesn't it? But truly, after Thanksgiving, I didn't know how I was going to face Christmas. Everytime I looked at my Christmas things, my heart broke. It didn't seem right to be celebrating without Ashley. At times, I almost felt guilty for being happy. She suffered so much. I didn't want her to think I had forgotten her. I didn't want her to think because she was gone, life was easier or I was happier. I wanted to keep her with me as much as possible.

Christmas last year was one of sorrow. We knew it was the last time she would be with us. I left up our decorations for a long time after New Year's so Ashley could enjoy them as long as possible. I remember vividly the feelings I felt the day after Christmas, when we started weaning her off her first beta blocker. She was so unafraid. She wanted to return to her Heavenly Father so badly. Her faith was unshakeable. She new what glorious world awaited her. She knew her pain would end. As days stretched into weeks, and weeks into months, with no end to her pain, she continued to be strong. Even in her final moments, she was a brave little soul. She only thought of her mother and my comfort. It was NEVER about her or her pain. NEVER! The one part that I am still so sad about is that I didn't take the time to honor her courage and faith at her funeral. I didn't speak because I didn't think I could. I have regretted that so many times I can't number them anymore. But I can't turn back the clock. It is what it is. We did the best at that time. I know she knows how proud of her we were.

So today, happy Connie isn't so happy. I am a mess. I am starting to get a cold, which is yucky anyway. But I don't think I have made it more than an hour without shedding tears. I don't say that for anyone to feel sorry for me. HECK NO! I know there are tons of people in our world who have lost those they love. There are tons of people who suffer. My heart goes out to everyone who must walk this path of grief, who hurts or aches or cries alone in the dark of the night. It sucks!! Yes, I am using that word!! SUCKS!! Sometimes it hurts so much I want to yell! I want the pain to go away, if even for a short time. But it doesn't. It aches and hurts but life must go on. I have to get out of bed every day. I have to keep smiling and loving and serving, despite the emptiness in my heart. It is at those desperate moments that I plead to a loving Heavenly Father for comfort and strength to keep on going. I thank Him for all the time we did have, for all the memories, for all the laughs and talks. I thank Him for the angels that watched over Ashley and our family. They were there!! I have no doubt of that! There are days when I long to feel them still. There are days when I long to hug my little girl, for even five minutes. One night, not long ago, I dreamed she came back. She was able to spend one day with the family. I held her so tight!! We went for a drive and listened to her favorite jam music. It was so real!! I woke up wishing to be back in that dream. But of course, reality sank in. It was only a dream. She is free of this earth life. There are days when I envy her. How wonderful it would be to be free from cares, pain, and worry!! But then I realize what a gift life is. Life is what you make it. You can sit around feeling sorry for yourself all the time or you can make the best of your situation. You can frown, or you can smile. You can hide, or you can serve. The choice is up to us. I pray I will always make the best of all life gives to me. I don't want to disappoint my family, my angel, or my Heavenly Father. Faith in every footstep, that is what I am striving hard to have, like so many others before me!! And it is so hard, especially on those days when I am depressed and sad and feeling yucky!!

But I know I am not alone. There will always be people to help me along the way. So I keep moving forward........(0:

Friday December 9, 2010

2010-12-10T09:15:00.004-07:00

I should be at school right now, teaching my students, but Spencer is sick today so I am home. I haven't blogged in a very long time. Between school, work, calling, and family, there hasn't been much time for writing. I wanted to share some of the wonderful blessings that have come to our family over the past couple of weeks. It has been amazing!

First, I have been struggling with depression. Most people would never know how hard I struggle with that. I put on a pretty good front. But since we moved to Logan, I have had many days when I get so down, all I can do is cry. I doubt myself and my ability as a mom, friend, and teacher. I know a huge part of my struggle comes from missing my Ashley. The hole is so big. I never know what will make it start to hurt. It might be a song on a radio. It might be seeing a mother with her daughter. It might be a smell, or a picture, or a show on TV. When it hurts, it hurts. Right before Thanksgiving, I was struggling really bad. I thought a lot about where we were last year on the holidays. At that point, Ashley was very ill. We had pulled out her PICC line, and we knew she was going to die. I was praying so hard she would live through Christmas. I struggle with Christmas time anyway, but having her die then would make it difficult forever. We were so blessed to have her with us way beyond Christmas. But reading back over where we were then filled me with painful memories. It was so hard to watch my angel slowly fade away. The Saturday after Thanksgiving, I was sitting in a dance performance, watching my beautiful niece perform, and I was overcome with the loss of my little girl. She loved to dance, but she never had the energy or the oxygen level, to do it. I couldn't shake that heaviness in my heart. It was like a ten ton rock was plunked on my chest. I couldn't face Christmas. Normally, right after Thanksgiving, we put up our Christmas decorations. But I couldn't even look at the boxes. Everytime I did, I would break down crying. I was trying to beat my sadness but it seemed no matter what I did, my heart remained heavy. I new I had to face Christmas. My other children needed me to get out of this hole I was in. Finally, one night, when I was at the lowest of the low, , I asked my sweet husband for a blessing. I couldn't shake the sadness. It was consuming every aspect of my life. In that blessing, he promised me Heavenly Father would strengthen and comfort me. He told me I would be blessed to carry on. And from that moment forward, my burdens were lifted off my shoulders. I was able to fight the depression. I faced my Christmas decorations. (0: I cried when we put up Ashley's special Christmas tree given to her by my amazing aunt and her two wonderful daughters. I know Ashley is watching over us. I know she knows I think of her every day, and I haven't forgotten her. She will be near through this Christmas season.

Since that night, my life has taken a 360 degree turn. It isn't that my heart isn't aching or that I don't cry in the night, but now I know I can survive. I can face each day and I am not alone. Heavenly Father is with me every awful step of the way. I can tell Him anything, and He will comfort me and help me. I know we can get through every awful trial in our lives. We aren't the first family to lose a child, and we won't be the last. But to all out there who grieve, or who think they aren't important, I am here to tell you, you are!! When you think you can't take another step, or life is going to consume you, pray. The comfort and assurance will come. It has come to me, and I know I am important. I know I can contribute something, small as it may be, to this world and to my family. I know even with an aching heart, I can be happy. I have so much to be thankful for. How wonderful it is to know we have a loving Father in Heaven who is always there for us. May everyone have a wonderful weekend, full of peace.

Sunday October 17, 2010

2010-10-17T15:29:00.002-06:00

Perhaps I shouldn't write today. I am not feeling very "up". It wasn't that today hasn't been good. Church was wonderful!! It seems like I always hear what I need. Today was no exception. I guess part of my despair comes from thinking about all the things in my life right now. I really LOVE my job at the school. I love working with kids. I love being in school. My classes this semester are interesting and challenging at the same time. The part that makes me happy is that I know I am studying for the career I desire. Now that my kids are growing up, I am so ready to have a career. It has given me a new purpose to be pursuing that goal. It is the right path for me to take. I just wish everything else in my life made more sense. I guess challenges never stop, and that is part of life. I once heard someone say that when you have trials, you know you are loved. I guess I am really loved right now! (0:

So to list all the challenges, well first of all, AUSTIN! (0: My poor son! He is a great kid, but he is struggling. I feel completely responsible for his troubles. I chose to stop his ADHD medication in the summertime. I was sick and tired of the stupid side effects, (like staying awake all night!) I tried to get the medication lady in Nampa to change his medicine, but she led me to believe we didn't have other options. So I just pulled the dang drugs. He did sleep better. But, with all the changes in our household, (moving), his behavior escalated again. By the time we got to Logan, he was driving me nuts. I was hoping with school starting, and his days becoming more structured once again, he might be alright. I had a long talk with his teacher, and she assured me if she felt he needed his medication, she would let me know. Well, time went on and the reports I got from her were alright. She never once said she thought he needed medication. She did tell me he was struggling, wanting to be out of class. I could see he was unhappy, so we got the school counselor involved. I thought he might need some additional help dealing with Ashley's death. I know it has been harder for me over the past couple of months. The counselor, after he and I talked, suggested Austin might benefit from medication. Again, it was only a suggestion. Jason and I talked and decided medication would be helpful. I took him to the doctor and got him on a new, non-stimlant medication. Well, come to find out last week, when we saw the counselor, his teacher was actually having a horrible time with Austin. She told the counselor Austin was rude and disruptive. I could feel the frustration she had. I never heard a work of this!! I about died!! Why didn't she tell me?? Am I that horrible of a person?? That was the first thing I thought. This new medication isn't working well. But I dont' know what option we have. It is a frustrating and discouraging situation. I want Austin to be happy. I want him to love who he is, and to embrace his challenges. He isn't happy, and I know he isn't enjoying school. I am praying constantly we find a remedy to this situation.

Okay, so besides Austin, there is my stupid head! You would think it would get better. But NO! It is getting worse again. I feel off balance every day. I have dizzy spells every day. Some days, it is all I can do to get through one day, with work and studying and taking care of my family. I get exhausted! I know exercise would benefit me, but I don't feel good enough to do that. I need to see a doctor, but I dont' want to. Honestly, I am scared. I don't want to go through a battery of tests just to have them tell me I am fine. That is always what happens to me. I HATE HATE HATE feeling like this. I see so many others happily going through their lives, healthy as a bird. Then here comes Connie. I don't feel good. When I don't, I get so depressed. I want to be healthy. I need to be able to take my kids places, and be the active, busy mom they deserve. I don't feel good enough to take them places, let alone on long drives, exploring and such. Driving for me is a constant challenge. I never know if I will be dizzy or not. YUCK!! Yes, I am praying, hard, for help in this matter.

Of course, I miss my daughter. I don't think anyone realizes how much I miss her, how much my heart aches every day. It is a constant struggle. I dread the coming of the holiday season. I am already hurting so much. How can I face two huge holidays without my angel? I cry every time I think about it. I hope I dont' sound ungrateful. Honestly, I know how blessed I am. I thank Heavenly Father every chance I get for all the good things in my life. I love our home. I love my job. I love being in college. I have the most amazing boys ever!! And I love them all with every fiber of my being. I have a super husband, who is a great support and comfort to me. I have loads to be thankful for. I am just in a rut right now. All I want is a normal life without complications! Ha ha ha! It won't happen for the Winn family, so I am going to keep on making the best of it!

2010-09-12T14:57:00.003-06:00

Sorry, today I am nothing but a big booby head! I really didn't have a bad week. Despite being sick and all, there were so many wonderful things that happened. I survived it all, and this week won't be as bad. Today I just plain out miss my angel girl. I have no idea why I am such a mess. but I am. I haven't been able to do anything but cry. As I sat in church, that feeling of aloneness overwhelmed me. These people here are amazing. Really, they are, but I don't have any close friends yet. I feel very alone. I know with time, that situation will remedy itself. I just don't know anyone well yet.

Jason has been a mess over the past few days. He is not happy. He doesn't like his new job. He isn't selling like he wants to. His back has been paining him. His self-esteem is in the gutter. When he gets like this, he becomes, pardon the term, like an icy, cold robot. He doesn't speak or smile. He hides out in his office. He doesn't want any interaction with anyone. There are no warm vibes coming from him. I know I haven't been meeting his needs lately. I am not sure I ever meet his needs. But with him like he is, I can't talk to him. I knew from the get go he wouldn't go to church today. I had no problem with him staying home. But today, I really needed him with me. PLEASE don't take me wrong, I love Jason with all my heart!! He is a WONDERFUL man, in every way. However, he has skeletons from his past that have seriously damaged him as an adult. He is very insecure. There isn't one day that he doesn't think I am going to divorce him. He makes comments all the time like, "You love me, for now." or "You are with me, but someday you will find a better man." He can't trust in a lasting relationship. He also completely shuts down emotionally. That is his defense. When things hurt too much, he shuts then off, puts them somewhere he doesn't have to feel them. I watched him do that after Ashley died. He is most certainly doing it again now. I have to work so hard to break down the walls and find a way to get inside. Most of the time, I fail. I can't get to him. I think that is one of the biggest driving forces to me studying psychology. I know it will help me with Jason. He has so much hurt locked inside. It is so unhealthy for him! I am hoping someday I will be able to get him the help that I know he needs, so he can feel emotions again. The Jason tangent is just one of my concerns. Please, PLEASE don't anyone ever say anything about this to him. If he knew I was venting on the blog, he would KILL me. I just hope a small explaination of things will help other understand him a little better. At first, one might take him as standoffish. But it is just his defenses. He isn't really like that.

Okay, so back to the issue at hand. I miss my girl. I miss her smile. I miss her laugh. I miss her sweet, loving, compassionate nature. I miss buying her clothes. I miss putting on jam music and watching her wiggle her little, non-existent bum. I miss the special bond I had with her. I couldn't help reflecting back on a conversation she and I had not too long before she died. We were talking and reading about the spirit world and how wonderful it would be for her. She would finally be free from all her worldly cares and pains. Her comment back to me,"It isn't fair mommy that I will be in heaven and be so happy and you have to be stuck here on earth!" She was such a sweetheart!! It was always about others, even at the very hour of her emminent death, she was more concerned with my comfort than with her own pain. I would give anything to hold her in my arms for even five minutes! Today my entire body hurts from head to toe I miss her so badly!

Right now, Austin and Preston aren't helping matters. They are constantly quarrleing and disobeying me. No matter how I treat them, what tone I use to talk to them, they push me to the limits. I know Austin needs his ADHD medication again. He can't think at all. He is struggling so much! I feel horrible about it. It is my fault he is such a mess. I chose to stop his former medication. Instead of consulting with the medication lady, I made my own decision. Part of the reason I did was because I disliked her so much! She was always so mean and critical to me. When I suggested a change of medication previously, because of the side effects Austin was having, she told me it was my fault Austin was awake so late at night. She said I was letting him sleep too long. It wasn't the medicine at all. It was me. If I woke him up at 7:00 every morning, despite him being awake until 3:00, he would go to bed ontime. I am not kidding! She basically told me we had exhausted every medication option. I felt trapped in the situation. It was such a relief to have Austin finally be able to go to sleep by 10:00 at night. Once we stopped the meds, the dizzy spells and headaches and stomach problems and sleeping problems stopped. Of course now, even though those side effects are gone, he is impulsive all over again. We have a whole new pit of problems. He isn't happy. I met with the school counselor at Woodruff on Friday to discuss Austin with him. He is going to start working with Austin at school. He also gave me the names of doctors who deal with ADHD kids so we can re-start Austin's meds. I just want my son to be happy and tolerable! I am sure we will get there.

Spencer is just a sweet, kind soul. I am so thankful he was given to me. He is just like Ashley. Same temperment. Same compassion and selflessness. He is the one who makes me feel like I am acutally doing something right as a mom. The other boys: well, perhaps if I fast and pray every day until they go on their missions, they will be alright! Ha ha ha! No, I think they will be alright. I have to be constantly vigilant about teaching them between right and wrong. And love them unconditionally. Hopefully, some little thread of truth will be implanted in their souls.

So it is all a mishmash in my head. Jason. Austin. Preston. Spencer. Work. School. Ashley. Challenges make us strong, right!!!! (0: Shedding tears isn't bad. Feeling like a failure is common. Husbands being reclusive can be normal. Just got to remember the eternal perspective. I am so grateful I understand it now. I am so grateful for everyting I have learned over the past year, for how precious the gospel of Jesus Christ is to me. I will survive! One footstep at a time.

Friday September 10, 2010

2010-09-10T21:43:00.002-06:00

Wow! What a week the past one has been! Last weekend, I took the boys and made the trek to Nampa for my nephew's baptism. Poor Jason had to work. I always hate traveling without him. He is my rock, keeps me sane. (0: What a miracle Zack's baptism was for all of us. Not long ago, my wonderful brother in law, Kris, wasn't too hip on the church. But with recent events, namely the passing of our angel, his heart was touched in a way we never dreamed possible. Now he is going to church. He received the priesthood, and will be ordained an elder in a couple of weeks at stake conference. Amy and Kris have also set their endowment date and will be sealed in the Logan temple on November 6. What miracles our family is witnessing! Included in those miracles is Kris's kidney transplant, in which he had a horrid battle with rejection. He continues to be alright, despite factors that doctors say point to continued rejection. It was such a blessing to witness him baptize his son. Following that baptism, Kris also ordained my other nephew, Kasey, to the office of a deacon. We all felt the spirit. I know Ashley was there. I felt her. She was so proud of her Uncle Albert!! I can't wait to be with my family once again, in the temple, witnessing the sealing of my beloved sister and her wonderful husband! (0: Isn't the gospel so great!!!!!!!!

Well, despite the wonderful weekend, I came home and got sick. The interesting part was, so did two of my sisters and my nephew. We all got a sore throat, cold, cough virus. YUCK! I actually thought I had strep throat, my throat hurt so badly! Now we are all wondering where the stupid sickness came from. We did all eat in Applebees following the baptism. Perhaps we picked it up there. Who knows! I am just thankful no one else got sick.

I am throughly loving my job at Woodruff Elementary. I don't have my set power hour groups yet, but I have been able to spend time in kindergarten, second grade, and third grade. My favorite has been third by far. I think I enjoy it the most because I get to do more teaching with that group. The teacher has given me the entire class three times now. The first time was super scary. I haven't been in front of a group of kids for a very long time. But soon the nerves melted and I relaxed and enjoyed the experience. I have to say, I LOVE teaching! I am not sure I will be the best at it, but I love being with kids and helping them to learn. I find myself cheering them on when they do the smallest things right. It is fun! It will be better once I have my set groups and can teach every day. I know it will be lots of work. We have to prepare the materials to be taught. But what great experience for me! I need all the help I can get!

My USU classes are lots of work. I had forgotten how hard college can be. This week has especially kicked my fanny end! I had two tests and a big paper and lots of reading and so on and so on. I spent hours studying, but thankfully I got it all done. Being sick, it wasn't easy, but I prayed so hard I would be able to survive. I could never have done it without Jason. He has been so helpful and supportive. He did dishes. He helped boys with homework. He fixed dinner. He got me breakfast. I have the bestest husband in the whole wide world!! I could never do all this without him. NEVER! I love him with all my heart. He isn't very happy at his new job. Bless his heart! I wish there was more I could do for him. Here I am, enjoying all these new ventures and poor Jason isn't enjoying his as much. The one thing I do know, beyond all doubt, we are supposed to be in Logan Utah. I feel it through my entire body. Visiting Nampa last weekend only confirmed Logan is the place for us.

I am so thankful for all the blessings in my life! I miss my angel every day. I so wish I still had her here with me, but I know she is ever near, watching over her family.

Sunday August 29, 2010

2010-08-29T15:22:00.002-06:00

Today we had the opportunity of speaking in sacrament meeting. They asked our entire family to speak. Jason and I were so proud of the boys. They each stood so confidently, and talked with clarity and expression. It was awesome! I was blessed to speak on family unity. It was the perfect topic for me. We have been struggling with harmony in our home. The boys, meaning Austin and Preston, argue and fight a lot. They haven't been respectful to me. It hurts so much to have them act this way. I am sure they are still adjusting to all the changes. Austin may be struggling with his ADHD. We may yet have to medicate him. He struggled terribly on the medication, I don't want to medicate him again if possible. But if he continues to struggle with his choices, and acts impulsively, we may have no choice. Just last week, he got in trouble for lingering in the bathroom after his specials at school. He got caught for trying to sneak off the school grounds. He shot out one of the windows with Jason's BB gun, only one day after receiving it for his birthday. We are concerned about our son. We love him so much, and I don't want him to go back to where he was before we started counseling and medication. It is a matter to pray about. I want to do the right thing for him, for all my boys. I need them to be unified. I am working at the school in the mornings, and tomorrow I begin my classes at USU. My schedule is going to be hectic. I need our family to be a team so I can do all that I need to do. Tonight I want to present a family home evening on that very subject. I want to talk about what I need them to do while I am in school. I know I am supposed to be in school, and I know with Heavenly Father's help, we will find a way to work through this as a family.

It is hard. I haven't felt good this week. I have had more headaches and dizzy spells. One happened while I was in the temple. I was so worried I wouldn't make it through the session. But miraculously, I did. I decided to fill my prescription and take it. My sinuses have been horrible, so perhaps they are causing the flair up in the dizziness. Thank goodness I have been able to work at the school despite my feeling so sick. I love being at the school, with the other aides. It gives me purpose. I feel like for once in my life, I can contribute something valuable to others. I have already learned several things that I know will help me be a better teacher someday. I pray every day my body will hold together for the things I want to do. I don't know what is up with my stupid body. There is definitely a problem, but finding it is another story. At this point, I am going to let things go until I can't stand them anymore. I guess if the dizziness gets worse, I may have to face it. I have lived with it for so long, a few more months won't matter. (0:

Well, better go rest for a bit. I wish everyone a beautiful, peaceful Sunday!! (0: I know I have peace, and I pray everyone else will too.

Monday August 23, 2010

2010-08-23T15:25:00.003-06:00

Wow! I think it has been forever since I last updated this blog. I am delighted to report the Winn family is now happily settled in Logan, Utah!! YEA!!!! Moving here proved to be a huge challenge, but we lept over the hurdles and here we are!! (0: The house we moved in is wonderful. I will have to post pictures of the house so everyone can see. We were so blessed to find this home. It is everything we could have wanted and more. The back yard is a little boy's dream. We have bugs of all kinds, as well as snakes and frogs. There are chickens to the north of our property. The boys love to catch grasshoppers and feed them to the chickens through the fence. The dogs have tons of room to run around. We have super awesome neighbors. We have never received such a gracious welcome in our lives. I think we received five plates of cookies and three loaves of bread. Everyone is friendly and helpful. I feel like I am in heaven. I didn't expect to feel so loved right off the bat, but we have been, in every way.

Our ward is also heaven sent!! It is not a huge ward, and everyone is very close knit. I am so grateful for that! Our ward in Rupert was just like this ward. We loved our Rupert ward! What a blessing to land where we are needed and wanted! We have been received with open arms and I can't wait for the chance to serve alongside these celestial people.

The boys started school at Woodruff Elementary last Wednesday. Their teachers are all simply amazing: kind and funny and caring. We do have to start an hour earlier than last year, but the boys have been troopers. They go to bed well, and we have had no problems getting them up in the morning. I was worried about Austin. He struggles so much with mornings, but he is the earliest riser. He gets ready without any reminding. It is amazing!! (0:

I have been additionally blessed. I absolutely know Logan is where our family is supposed to be. When we first moved to Logan, I thought I would need help getting into school. We did not qualify for residency in Utah. Therefore, the tuition was so steep! We had an offer to help us with the extra cost, but I was hoping, someway, somehow, we would find a way to avoid the cost. And it happened! I ended up changing my class schedule. The classes I had origianlly wanted to take became available, but only online. So this semester, I enrolled through distance education. Well, little did I know, when you register through distance education, the out of state tuition is automatically waved. Therefore, the financial aid I received was more than enough to cover the cost of tuition and books. Instead of a big financial burden, we now have money in our pockets, which will help us through the coming months. Now if that isn't a blessing, I don't know what is!!!!

I also found out the school district is hiring part-time teacher aides. Desiring experience, and a little extra cash flow, I applied and was hired at the same school my boys attend. The job is only 3.5 hours a day, and I will be working with small groups of kids, helping them with reading and math activities in three different grade levels. I am stoked!!!! I start training this coming Wednesday. I can't wait! I need time away from home, where I am interacting with other people and the children I love. I am finding that with the boys off to school, and Jason at work, I get very lonely and unhappy. I miss Ashley terribly! I don't like to have too much time on my hands. I also feel working three hours a day will help me be more focused on my online courses. Studying at home is not my first choice, so I want to make sure I am organized and disciplined and take the time needed to succeed in my classes.

We have also been blessed to spend time with my older sister. Dawn and I were always close growing up. She is only 18 months older than I am. We haven't lived by one another since we were in college. It is wonderful to get to spend time with her now. Her family likes to go lots of places. My family isn't used to that. We never were able to go on outings, especially over the past couple of years. Ashley was too sick, and we never wanted her to feel bad she couldn't go. Since moving here, we have been blessed to go swimming, hiking, walking, etc. Just last Saturday, we were able to go to Bear Lake with Dawn and my other sister, Tammy. It was a blast!

I have so much more to write. My heart is full to the brim with feelings of gratitude for all that has been given to our family. The blessings have been poured upon our heads. It is awesome!! I know Heavenly Father is guiding and directing our family. I know we are in the right place. There is a work for our family to perform. Although we can't have our angel with us, I feel her near. I miss her every second of every day. There will always be a huge hole in my heart!!! But Heavenly Father is there, watching over us, helping us through each day.

Friday July 23, 2010

2010-07-23T22:45:00.005-06:00

Boy has it been a long time since I last wrote. I need to catch up. So many new things have happened to our family. The last time I wrote, I was feeling a little better about the upcoming changes. I know Logan is where we are supposed to be. Since the last entry, Jason went to Denver and began his training with Verizon. I figured out my class schedule and am thrilled to get back into school. We found out the home we are moving to is in a very wonderful ward. My older sister works with our bishop. Dawn is also friends with one of our neighbors whose husband is in the bishop brick. They are asking about our family, and eager to help us settle in. I feel peaceful in every way about this move. The packing is going well. I feel like we have successfully purged our home of unwanted things. I have discovered how much I don't like clutter, and how good I am at throwing things away. (0: I am very excited for the coming future.

Jason left on July 6 for Denver. I wasn't happy to see him go. He and I have throughly enjoyed our time together over the past three months. In a way, it was like a dating all over again. We found a new connection in our marriage. Jason spent lots of time with the boys. They loved that!! It was a blessing to have that time with him before he went back to work. I have to admit, I was nervous to have him gone, considering my head problems are not solved yet. But I fasted and prayed the weekend before his departure. I pleaded with Heavenly Father that during his absence, I would be alright. My head would stay normal. I wouldn't be plagued by dizziness. In only a hour or so, Jason will return from Denver. It has been three weeks, and not once have I felt dizzy or sick. I have been blessed with strength and peace. I was able to take the boys to Burley and spent 10 days with my family. The driving was not an issue for me. Thank goodness, because I love to drive!! (0: (As my family knows) It hasn't felt like more than a week since Jason left. I know Heavenly Father watched over me and the boys while he was gone. My prayers were answered.

Also during this two weeks, my birthday came and went. It was a bummer to be apart from Jason on my birthday. He still made my day totally rock, despite being in Denver. He sent me beautiful flowers and gift cards so I could shop. My family fussed over me tons. I was able to take the boys swimming that day, and we ordered chinese food for dinner from our favorite restaurant. We had yummy chocolate cake. It was a perfect day for me!

Not long after my birthday, was Ashley's birthday. I was dreading her birthday. I knew it was going to be a painful, hard day for me. I decided way ahead of time, I wasn't going to sit around crying all day long. Ashley would never want that. She would want us to be happy, and spend the day as a family, doing things she would have enjoyed. That is what we did. In the early part of the day, I took some time to look at videos and pictures of my angel. I allowed myself time to cry. It felt good to let the tears flow. How I miss my angel!!!!!! In the early afternoon, Jessica came over and we took the children swimming. Later on, we went out to the cemetery and released balloons. We came home and had cake and ice cream. I even bought some clothes for my nieces. I LOVE girl clothes. I loved buying cute things for Ashley. It was an honor for me to spend a little money doing what I loved to do for my angel girl. (0: The day turned out to be a great day, despite the heaviness in my heart. I was eternally grateful I had my family surrounding me. I could not have faced the day at home, alone. Without my sweetheart. Without my support team.

This week in my packing ventures, I found a book my mom sent not long ago. It is about grieving. I didn't think I needed to read it. I felt like I was doing alright. I was wrong. As I opened the book and read the experiences of other mothers who had lost children, I found myself relating to much of what was said. One mother expressed how hard it was to watch other people, going about their lives. Here she was, hurting and struggling and the world didn't slow down one bit. One mother talked about how hard it was to watch other children, the same age as the child she lost. She was reminded of things she would never see her lost child do. I truly have struggled with that. Especially when it come to Young Women's. I have a lot of hurt when it comes to that. I look at the other 12 year old girls, at the things they can do. They ride bikes. They swim. They dance. They text and hang out with friends. They walk, attend school, and girl's camp. They have no idea how badly Ashley wanted to be normal, like them. She would have loved to dance, to run, to ride a bike, to have enough breath to get to the end of the block. She would have loved to attend mutual. But she was too ill. She never got those opportunities. It tears me up inside to know she will never have those opportunities. I want to shout at those girls, and remind them how lucky they are to be alive and healthy. They have no idea what a blessing it is to have a working heart, a working digestive system, the ability to live without pain. I hope I don't sound bitter. I am not bitter. Not at all. Inside I still have wounds to be healed. I am not sure they will ever heal. I find myself feeling sadder now than when Ashley first passed away. I have become more aware of how many holes are left in my life. I am trying hard to fill them, but no matter how hard I try, the pain does not end. Losing a child is so hard!!! Even with the knowledge she is ours forever, she is free of pain and at peace, doesn't numb the feeling of loss. I would never wish her here again, suffering as greatly as she was. But oh to even have five minutes with her, to hold her and love her and cuddle her, stoke her hair, her cheek, hold her hands like I used to do when she was so ill. I would give anything for those five minutes. I miss her every second of every day. I do hope with time, I won't feel so sad.

Sunday June 20, 2010

2010-06-20T20:46:00.002-06:00

So I know my last blog was very depressing. I won't lie. Last week, I was in a talespin. I wasn't feeling well physically, and I wasn't feeling good about this move. But I know, Heavenly Father was watching over us. Not only did Jason and I find a nice place to live, but I was also able to get right into an ear, nose, and throat doctor. While the doctor couldn't give me specific answers, he did offer me a little hope we can get this problem I have had for so long, fixed. We are starting simple. It is possible the ear crystals were jolted out of place when I fell and broke my ankle. He gave me some exercises to try at home, to re-set the ear rocks. If the exercises don't work, then the doctor wants me to go into the hearing/balance therapists for further testing and more advanced exercises. Jason and I have faithfully completed the exercises for several days now. I do feel a little better, but the off balance feeling isn't gone yet. It would be so nice to have an easy fix. I am not sure that will happen, but I can always hope it will. With how long I have been battling this vertigo and dizziness, the doctor is concerned there is a more advanced problem. I pray not. But time will tell.

I know Heavenly Father guided us last week as we looked for a place to live. It was nearly impossible to find a place that fit all of our requirements. Several places looked promising, and then fell through. I was beginning to think we may have to live in a tent somewhere!! Monday morning, another home opened up. It was the right size, they allowed dogs, there was a fenced yard, it was right by the walking path and golf course. It seemed like the perfect place for us to be. I sent my wonderful sister over to meet with the landlady and scope out the house for us. Unfortunately, when the landlady arrived, she had the wrong keys, and Dawn was unable to see the inside. But she mostly liked what she saw. There was another family who also viewed the property the same day. They didn't want to sign a year lease, as the dad had to re-locate again in six months. To compensate for the six month problem, they had offered $300.00 more a month. Jason and I were heartbroken. We didn't know what we would do if the house went to the other family. We prayed hard that all would work out as it should.

The next morning, the landlady called and offered the property to us, but only if we gave her a deposit by 8:00 that evening. My sister offered to go take the deposit to the lady for us. But when I spoke with my sister, she was hesitant about us taking the home without seeing the inside. She was also hesitant about the location. There was a busy road running in front of the property and that was a huge concern, especially with my little doggy runners. Jason decided he needed to go meet with Linda before we made a final decision. So off to Logan he went. It was a good thing he did. We found out the home was not at all what we wanted. The location was a huge concern. It all worked out in the end. My sister discovered another home for rent, which had not been listed in the newspaper. We were blessed to view the home, and found it to be perfect. The rent was higher, but Jason being the whiz he is, he got them to lower the rent if we signed a two year lease. The only bad part, the house isn't available until August 1. Jason will have to start working before we move. We are praying now Verizon will allow us some time after his training in Denver to move before he starts working in the store. I am not sure they will give us time, but hopefully they will. I am feeling so much better about the whole situation.

It is also good because at the moment, I have Amy and Kris's kids. Kris had his kidney transplant last Tuesday. He got released a couple of hours ago, and is doing well. I need to keep their kids for a little while longer while he recuperates from his surgery. It is so nice to have the stress of the move lifted off of my shoulders. We don't have to pack up and get moved as quickly as we thought. I know that is what is supposed to happen. Now I have time to help my sister, and also will have time in July to go stay in Burley and help my parents. I have time to work on my physical problems, and hopefully get them under control before we move. I am NOT looking forward to Jason being gone for so long. We haven't been apart but three nights since Ashley died. I am so scared to be without him. He is such a comfort and strength to me. I have leaned on him constantly, and he has loved me and lifted my spirits so many times. But I know Heavenly Father will take care of him and of us while he is away. We will be alright. I will be alright.

I still miss my Ashley every second of every day. There is a huge hole. Nothing fills it. It hurts so much. I can't wait for the day when I can hold my angel again. That thought keeps me going each day. It keeps me focused on the eternal perspective. It makes my challenges seem like bumps rather than impassible mountains. I will never be able to express my gratitude that Ashley was given to Jason and I. She changed my life. She changed my heart. I wish I could tell her what a difference her life, her example, her courage, made to me. I wish I could tell her what a privilege it was to be her mother.

May everyone keep up the faith. Don't get discouraged. Life is hard. It was not meant to be easy. But someday, we will all be blessed beyond all our understanding for our faithfulness and courage. What a glorious day that will be!!! (0: I can't wait to rest from the cares of this world with all the people I love so very very very much.

Sunday June 13, 2010

2010-06-13T10:54:00.005-06:00

I need to write today. I have so much on my mind, if I don't get it off, I am going to burst. I am feeling very discouraged. I am not sure if it is the stress, but I haven't been feeling well over the past few days. I woke up on Wednesday with horrible vertigo and light-headedness. Of course with my head spinning, I was desperately sick to my stomach and I had a horrible headache. It was Jason's birthday, and that bummed me even more. I didn't feel like going out on a date. I didn't even have him a present. I looked for what I wanted to buy, but hadn't found what I was looking for. We spent Monday and Tuesday cleaning out the garage, trying to prepare to move. My plan was to go out on Wednesday and keep looking for his gift, but naturally, that didn't happen. I was too sick. We ended up getting chinese food and staying at home. Not much of a special birthday. I felt like I let Jason down. It was so hard! The one good part about that day: my parents came to visit. (My dad had heart ablation scheduled for Thursday at St. Luke's downtown). Amy and Kris were able to come over. We did sing happy birthday and have cake, but Jason did not get the fussing he deserved. He was fine with that, but I wasn't and still am not.

Thursday I was able to go with my parents to the hospital for my dad's heart procedure. I still felt off, but Heavenly Father blessed me with the needed energy to go. It turned into a very long day, but the procedure was successful and my dad's atrial flutter was fixed. I enjoyed being with my parents very much. Boy did the memories flood back as we sat in the room, waiting for the cath. My sweet Ashley had so many caths over the course of her lifetime. She HATED them. I could just hear her saying "Poor Grandpa! I know how awful a heart cath is!"

We didn't get home until 10:30 Thursday night, and we were all ready to crash. Hospitals are so draining! We were grateful for the wonderful outcome, despite all the waiting and other yucky stuff.

Friday morning, my dad woke up feeling sore and extremely tired. His blood pressure was low, as was his heart rate. My parents decided to stay in Nampa for another night, to make sure my dad was alright. They wanted to help Amy get ready for her Portland trip as well. I was thankful they were here, as I was still feeling sick myself. The dizziness and off balance sensations continued. I was so awfully tired. All I felt like doing was sleeping. But of course, I couldn't. There is so much to do right now. I don't have time to feel under the weather. The deadlines are fast approaching, and we have to move.

Yesterday was another long day. I woke up feeling just as sick as I did the day before. The one thing we did discover, (with my dad's blood pressure cuff), I do have very low blood pressure. That may be contributing to the dizziness and fatigue. I pushed through it, and worked hard to continue packing and sorting. Jason worked hard too. Bless his heart. He didn't take one break the whole day. I can't tell you how glad I am he is home right now. With me feeling so sick, I need his help. I couldn't do it alone. There is no way I could.

So yes, I feel LOTS of despair right now. I am physically not well. I don't know how I am going to do all that is required over the next month. I just don't know. We don't yet have a place to live in Logan. There was a home we thought might be a possibility for us that surfaced last week, but it fell through. The owners decided the dogs were not allowed, which I totally respect. Dogs are a huge risk for any rental agency. It is a miracle there are any places where pets are allowed. Being a former apartment manager, I know from first hand experience no pets makes things easier for the landlords. We found another townhome yesterday that we both LOVED. Good location. Perfect rent and space. Garage. Pet friendly. But it did not have a yard or anywhere where our dogs could run unsupervised. So we crossed that place off our list. I wouldn't push to keep the dogs, but with Ashley's loss, I can't bear to part with my babies. They are such a comfort to me. I need them. I don't want them to be the reason we can't find a place to live, but I am sure there is someplace that will be right for our family, where I can keep the dogs.

Of course, I don't know what to do about my health problems. They have been there for a long time. I haven't felt right for months. I should have pushed to get into an ENT doctor, but didn't. Now it is too late. And I am not well. I can face anything when I am at my best, but when I am as sick as I feel now, I want to fall on my face and bawl. Everything seems like an impossibly high mountain. On top of the stress of moving, and getting into school, and adjusting to a totally new life, I need to take care of my nephews. My brother in law is having a kidney transplant in two days. I am so thrilled for Kris, and I want to help. Yet here I am barely able to function as a person, let alone be a babysitter. Amy needs errands run, cats tended, yard tended. I am so willing to do anything for her. Anything!! Yet, I don't have the energy to do it!! AHHHH!! I feel so buried and discouraged and I dont know what to do. I didn't go to church today. I should have tried, but I felt so yucky this morning, and with Jason gone, I couldn't.

I know there is an answer. I feel so good about the direction we are going. The doors have opened up a bit for us. This move is taking so much faith!! Nothing about it has been easy. I don't think it will continue to get any easier. I just pray that I can find a solution to my sickness. There has to be a reason for my dizziness and fatigue and nausea. I told my mom not long ago, we could fast for the next month and still not cover all the things we need help wtih! I still feel that way. I am in no condition to fast at the moment. There will be a light at the end of this dark tunnel. I am sure of it. We are trying so hard to be righteous and live so we are worthy to receive personal revelation. I know it will come. Please pray for us, and for all the others in this world who struggle, who are sad, who are at the end of their rope. There are so many out there who have heavy burdens to bear.

Saturday June 5, 2010

2010-06-05T22:09:00.003-06:00

It has been another amazing week. The boys are finally out of school. YEA! I couldn't be more grateful for the year we have had. The teachers were amazing! All of our boys have had excellent grades. They had good friends, and I was able to spend time in all the classrooms at the end of the year. The school staff was exceptional. Not to mention the wonderful memorial the school created in Ashley's honor. I couldn't have asked for a better experience. I pray this coming year can be just as wonderful.

Wow, so where does the Winn family stand at the end of another week? You would think we would be at least a little closer to a decision. I suppose we are, in a way. Jason did have an interview with Verizon in Logan yesterday. The interview went well, and Jason was pleased with the general manager and what the company could offer. It would be a good job, and I know Jason would excell there. No doubt about it. The question remains: is it the right thing for our family to move to Logan? Is this a sign we are supposed to move there? We don't know that. Getting a job is only one part. We have to find a place to live, and there is still the out of state tuition problem. Those things may fall into place if Jason accepts the job. Twin Falls appeals greatly to me when it comes to housing and affordability. We found several possible rental properites there that interested us. If only Logan had housing like Twin Falls does!! Trivial thing, but we need to rent a home, so we can keep our animals. I refuse to give up my dogs. The cats we are not keeping, but my dogs are my life. They are so theraputic for me. I know the boys love them. Jason loves them too. I have been praying that we will find a place to live that will let us have them.

Anyway, sorry for the ramble there. So much to think about! Sometimes I feel like my head is spinning. We decided tomorrow we are going to have a family fast. Jason and I need to fast. I have once already, but we need to fast as a family. We need all of our faith to make this decision. We also want to fast for my dad, Amy's husband, Kris, and for my brother. Amy's husband found out last week he will get a kidney on June 15!! No more dialysis for him!! YEA! What a blessing for them!! We are all thrilled and excited about the pending transplant, but of course, we want them to have every possible blessing with them as they go to Oregon. We need to fast for my dad. My dad is going to have ablation done on his heart this Thursday in Boise. The procedure is fairly safe, but my dad is sick today. He started coughing. He also needs special blessings to help him stay well, and be strong enough to have this procedure done. Then there is my brother, who has a horrible sleep apnea problem. He finally got a new machine and mask, but is still struggling to wear it at night. He has to get the sleep apnea under control. Right now, everytime he sits down, he falls alseep. He struggles to drive long distances for fear he will fall asleep. He can't work and his anxiety is out of control because he is always exhausted. I am telling you, we could fast for the next week and still not cover all the things we need to fast for. I haven't even mentioned my Grandma Walquist, who recently had a heart attack, or Grandpa Morgan, who has cancer on his ears. My family is a mess right now. Ha ha ha! (0:

The one thing I do know: I know we will find our path. I have no doubt there is a place meant for our family to be. Whether it be Logan or Twin Falls, Heavenly Father will help us to go where we are supposed to be. All will work out. We have been in this place before. Trying to decide where to move, what to do next. We have always received the inspiration we needed. I know we will now. If there is one thing I have learned over the past few months, it is that we are not alone. Heavenly Father is mindful of our every step. He wants us to be happy and have joy in this life. He sends down blessings for the smallest things we do right. He guides us and directs us. He won't leave us alone. I know this to be true. You watch. The answer will come. Our family will be blessed. We are trying so hard to do what is right!!! We are doing better now than we have ever done before. Once again, we are praying for a miracle, and I know it will come. (0:

Tuesday June 1, 2010

2010-06-01T20:42:00.003-06:00

I am always amazed at how quickly time flies by. Here we are in June! The kids only have two days left at school. So much has happened in the past three months. I feel like I am in a whirlwind, going from one day to the next, floating from one activity to another. The days blend together week after week. The past couple of weeks have been more stressful because of all the decisions we are struggling to make. We hit a pretty big hurdle last week, and now are trying to find a way around it.

As I mentioned previously, I was accepted to Utah State University and am so excited to return to college there. I LOVE Utah State. I attended there 12 years ago, and the classes and teachers were amazing in every way. Well, last week I found out we don't qualify for a residency exception. Thus, the tuition become outrageously expensive. I talked to two different people trying to find a way around the law, but there wasn't a loop to be found. Of course, I was super discouraged. I felt like a door was slammed in my face. I know we are supposed to go back to Utah. I know I am supposed to pursue Elementary Education and school counseling. I felt so good about Utah State. I have prayed and prayed and prayed to know the right path to take. Jason and I discussed the situation. We figured we have two options. One, we could still move to Utah and both work for a year until we were granted residency. Two, we could stay in Idaho and I could attend college here. We both know we need to leave the Nampa/Boise area. Thus, BSU and NNU are out. Jason and I don't want to go to Pocatello or Rexburg, so ISU and BYU-Idaho are out. That leaves CSI in Twin Falls. I did some research and discovered I can finish up my bachelor's degree at CSI through the ISU extension program. I was thrilled about that! I went ahead and submitted my transcripts for evaluation to see what classes ISU would accept. So now, we are considering Twin Falls. I am not sure that is the path to take. If ISU won't accept some of my classes, I want to shoot for USU, but will have to wait a year. Where I attended USU previously, I could begin right where I left off. I don't want to move backwards in my progression. I don't want to wait a year either. The other consideration: I want to pursue a master's degree in school counseling. Thus, when I finish up my bachelor's degree, I want to make sure all the pre-requisite classes for admission into that program are completed. I worry if I get my bachelor's degree in Idaho, I won't have a smooth transition into the school couseling program at USU, which is where I want to finish up that degree. There are so many things to consider: living costs, available jobs, available housing, etc. I want my kids to be happy. I want Jason to be happy. I want to know we are where Heavenly Father wants and needs us to be. I have fasted and prayed and been to the temple and I still don't feel we know what to do. It makes my head spin to think about it sometimes. But I know the answer will come. I will not lose faith. I just hate the unknown. With Jason not working, the unknown becomes even more stressful.

Ok, so I have so much more to write. But it is time to put the troops to bed. I will update more later. I will say we had a lovely weekend in Burley. It was perfect in every way! I will elaborate more on that later.

Willow Creek Memorial Pictures

2010-05-21T21:31:00.004-06:00

Friday May 21, 2010

2010-05-21T20:57:00.002-06:00

Today was a beautiful day for memories. I always think of my Ashley. There isn't one day that goes by when I don't think of her often. Just when I think the pain is bearable, I will have a day when it isn't. My heart will ache and ache. In those moments, I long to have her by my side once again, to see her smile, to feel of her strength. It seems so long ago that we were praying for her to go. She was so desperately sick. I can't hardly remember what that time was like. But I know Ashley is at peace. I feel that every day. No matter how hard it was to let her go, I know she is delightfully happy. I have felt that reassurance over and over and over again. What a blessing and a comfort it has been for me to know she is at peace. Her burdens are gone. Her worries are over. She is surrounded by loved ones. She isn't lonely or scared. And someday, we will have her again.

This morning, Jason and I had the opportunity to attend the temple. To our delight, we were also chosen as the witness couple for the session we were in. The spirit was so strong. I felt Ashley so close. I know she is watching over our family. She watches over her brothers. She watches over her dad. I know this with all my heart. It was so nice to sit in the celestial room, with my dear eternal companion, basking in the spirit, escaping the cares of the world for a short time. How I love the temple!!!!! It was a beautiful start to this day.

This afternoon, we had the opportunity to attend a special ceremony at Willow Creek in honor of Ashley. A little over a month ago, the school counselor at Willow Creek called me and asked if it would be alright if the school planted a tree in Ashley's honor. In front of the tree, they wanted to place a plaque with her name and a favorite saying. We were delighted, and heartedly agreed. Today was the day the trees were planted and the plaque unveiled. The boy's classes were invited to come, as well as several other special teachers and staff members. As the ceremony began, the principal had 12 students hand Jason and I pink carnations, which symbolized each year of Ashley's life. I was so touched!! In addition to the carnations, Spencer's teacher had her students stand and recite a beautiful poem. Then the counselor and the principal spoke. I was chosen as the final speaker. Then they let the boys put dirt around both trees. It was a beautiful time for all of us. I couldn't express enough gratitude to the school and staff for such a wonderful memorial to our angel. It was amazing in every way!!!! I know Ashley was pleased today. She smiled down on us all. Her influence continues to touch lives and hearts in numerous ways, even now. What a beautiful soul!! What a little missionary!! What an angel!!!!

The Lord continues to pour blessings on our family. Just this week, Jason was blessed to have a job interview. He stands a great chance of getting a job very soon. We were able to attend the temple. Jason and I have had several special moments together, where the spirit flows between us. We are so close, and it feels so heavenly!! Our boys have been happy and content, and are all doing excellent in school. I have been blessed with several opportunities to serve, that have filled my heart with happiness and contentment. I found out this week I qualified for some awesome financial aid. YEE HAW!! I feel nothing but excitement about school. Everything has fallen perfectly into place for me to attend in the fall. Jason's back has been a little better. He is still uncomfortable, but we will take every bit of improvement we can get. I could go on and on. Who would have thought that such a horrible tragedy would have brought so many blessings into the lives of numerous people? Wow!

I am so thankful for all of my challenges. I am so thankful for the blessings our family has received. I know we are heading in the right direction. The Lord will bless us in our righteous desires. (0: May everyone have a beautiful weekend!!!

Sunday May 16, 2010

2010-05-16T23:16:00.002-06:00

I am not going to write a long entry tonight. But I would be so ungrateful if I didn't write about this day. It was a beautiful Sunday. In sacrament meeting, the primary children presented a beautiful program centered around prayer and how prayer helps us in our lives. The music was spectacular. The speakers were inspired. The spirit was so strong! I came away feeling like I could conquer the world. I can't express how much I love our primary leaders. I include in that not only our presidency, but also the teachers and scout leaders my children are blessed to have. All of these individuals are helping my boys to learn about their Heavenly Father, and His beloved son, Jesus Christ. They are helping them to develop their testimonies. With such valiant, strong examples, my boys could never go astray. I want to thank everyone who has been a part of our lives here in Nampa. This ward we are in is wonderful!! I can't think of anyone whom I don't love and admire. It is going to be so hard to leave. I am so thankful I was in sacrament meeting today. I heard what I needed to hear. I feel prepared and armed for another long week. (0:

Yesterday we were blessed with a visit from Jason's mom. She came for Preston's birthday, which was Friday. She brought Preston an awesome Toy Story slip and slide, as well as oodles of food. And by oodles, I mean oodles: meat, bread, fruit, treats, crackers, cheese.....etc. With Jason not working, the groceries were greatly appreciated. We are going to save a bundle over the next while. What a great, generous gift for our family. (0: I know Heavenly Father is watching out for us. There is no doubt we are blessed. Last week alone, Jason was able to sell some things, which brought a little income for us. And then the groceries from his mom. It was a testimony to me that when we pay our tithing, and we pray, we are blessed in numerous ways. We were blessed yesterday.

Tonight Jason and I sat and talked about our future plans. We really feel good about Brigham City. I want to live there SO BAD. Whenever we visit Brigham, we feel like we are home. There is nothing like that feeling. I found out I can finish up my elementary ed degree on that campus, as well as the psychology minor. I can also pursue a master's degree, on that campus, in school counseling. Initially, I thought I would have to be in Logan to get my masters, but not so. Oh it would be so perfect if we could land in Brigham!! The town is perfect. Not too big and not too small. We would be close to family. They are building a temple there too!! It is perfect!! Of course, our desires are only one thing. The Lord has a plan for our family. We have to trust in Him in all things. I am willing to go where ever the Lord needs us to go. He will direct our path. (It would be nice if that path included Brigham ha ha ha!) I know this with all my heart!! It is going to be a wonderful time for our family: moving on, setting goals and achieving them. I want nothing more than to go where the Lord wants me to be. To do what He needs me to do. To develop my talents and strengths and encourage my husband and sons to do the same.

Isn't the Gospel of Jesus Christ the most amazing thing!!!!!!!! Where would I be without prayer? Where would I be without the Book of Mormon? Where would I be without the temple? Where would I be without so many wonderful people who have been placed in my life? I feel nothing but gratitude for the life I have been given, for every trial, for every heartache, for every pain. I am stronger now than I ever thought I could be. Miracles do happen today. God lives and speaks to his children through His prophet on the earth. Jesus is the Christ. He died for us so we can return to our Father in Heaven someday, to be reunited with our loved ones. I know this is true with every fiber of my being!! May everyone have peace this week!!

Thursday May 13, 2010

2010-05-13T22:34:00.002-06:00

Tonight my heart is aching terribly! I just finished reading the carepage link of a good friend whose only child was recently diagnosed with osteosarcoma, bone cancer. Her daughter is only in the fourth grade. The daughter is currently a patient at Primary Children's Hospital where she started her chemotherapy just last night. My goodness that takes me back. It breaks my heart to see such a lovely young girl suffering so greatly, and to watch her parents stand helplessly by, not able to bear her burdens. I can't think of anything worse than watching a child suffer like that. I pray for this wonderful family. I hope their daughter can beat this terrible illness that has overtaken her body. My heart is with them every horrid step of the way.

The past couple of days have been difficult. Monday morning Spencer turned up with the stomach flu. He stayed home, and by Tuesday was feeling better. Tuesday morning I woke up feeling off. By Tuesday night, I knew I was sick too. Poor Jason, who has had trouble with his back for a few weeks now, simply bent over to pick up something off the floor, Tuesday morning, and threw his back out so badly, he couldn't walk. He has spent the past couple of days in horrid pain. We have iced his back, hoping that would offer at least some relief. But not so. Jason also went to the chiropractor, but was hurting so greatly after the adjustment, was unable to get off the table. I wasn't with him at the time, as I had to take Austin to a counseling appointment. I wish I would have been. It was all he could do to get himself home. I am at a loss how to help Jason. I am so worried he has an injury bad enough he may need to see a bone doctor. But no insurance, so of course, he won't go. We aren't exactly in a position to afford a huge hospital bill. It is an extremely frustrating situation. I am worried out of my mind.

I have also been struggling with dizziness this week. There are certain times for me when I feel worse, and this week has been one of those times. I do need to see a doctor. I always dread that because when I go to doctors, they tell me I am fine. No one seems to find anything wrong when I feel sick. Then it becomes a huge waste of time and money. I am so scared I will go and they will tell me I am fine. I can't bear that!! I know I have a problem. I need to get it taken care of before I get into school. I can't live like I am now, always fighting dizziness and feeling off balance. Yuck! Man, the poor Winn family is a mess of complaints at the present time.

On the good side, I received a letter from Utah State just yesterday accepting me as a student for the fall semester. I was thrilled!! I can't wait to begin school. Now we have to apply for financial aid and figure out where in the world we are going to live. I can finish my degree at the Brigham City campus or at the main campus in Logan. I won't be able to register for any classes until we figure out where it is we will officially move. We want to live in Brigham. I would prefer that. Jason would prefer that. But I am not sure finding work and a place to live in Brigham will be as easy to do as it would be in Logan. The unknown is driving me crazy!! I don't like living in limbo. It stresses me out. With Jason injured like he is, I am super worried he will not feel like moving everything. And I know he won't want anyone to help. He may have to swallow his pride for this move. His health is so important!!!! I can't bear to see him hurting like he is now. It is so awful, and I can't do a thing to help him feel better. All the things I have done don't offer any relief. I need him to be at his best. I need to be at my best as well. The stress is not going to get any better.

Yes, I am feeling discouraged tonight. And I miss my little girl!!! Thinking about moving, leaving this house we have lived in for so long, makes me sad. I know it is right to move, but it still hurts. My heart still hurts. I didn't get to go to the temple today, which didn't help. But there wasn't any way I could go. I wasn't feeling the best and Jason was hurt. Austin turned up sick. I needed to be home with Jason and Austin. I used the time to take care of Jason and Austin, to help at the school, and to prepare for Preston's birthday tomorrow. It wasn't a wasted day per se, but I feel so empty tonight. I hope I am up to the challenges that lie ahead for our family. Lots of faith and prayers are needed still!!!!

Sunday May 9, 2010

2010-05-09T14:42:00.002-06:00

I am in a very pondering mood today. I have had so many wonderful experiences over the past while. I know the blessings of heaven are upon our family. I was so worried when we first lost Ashley, how I would fill my time. I felt so lost!! Desperately lost!! I knew what I wanted to do, but wanting and doing are two different things. I jumped in whole heartedly at the school, volunteering as much as possible. Being at the school has been such a delight to my heart. I feel home when I am in the classroom. No doubt about it. (0: I have also been blessed to attend the temple, not once, but four times over the past week. I had forgotten what a blessing the temple is. I won't say how many years I went without attending the temple. I never should have stayed away for so long. There is a spirit in the temple like no other. I come out feeling totally uplifted and full of light. I will never, EVER take the temple for granted again. I know where true strength comes from, and I know where to go to escape the burdens of this world. What a blessing to have a temple so close!!

Last week was difficult for me. I found myself missing Ashley at every turn. I found myself longing to hold her in my arms. Everything reminded me of her. I found myself feeling sad for all the things she won't get to do. I would hear about other girls her age, and things they were participating in. I was deeply saddened for the things I will never get to do with my Ashley. I wanted to sit and cry many many times. I did. On Thursday, when I was in the temple, I was sitting in the celestial room, pondering over the last few months of my life. I thought about Ashley, and how very much I missed her. I thought about the temple, and what blessings the temple has brought to our family. I was overcome with gratitude for my temple marriage. I was overcome with gratitude for my wonderful husband, whom I love with all my heart. I was overcome with gratitude for my sons, who make every day worth living. I was most grateful for the privilege of having Ashley given to us. She will never know how much she gave to Jason and I. She will never know how her life changed our hearts forever. I am not the same person now. I will never be the same again. I have a fire inside that will never be quenched. I have a determination to live better than I have ever lived before. I have strength to fight Satan like I never could before. I feel a new excitement for the future. And it was because of her life, and death, that I am becoming the person I always knew I could be. The person I have wanted to be for several years now, but was not strong enough to become. The most amazing part that day, I felt my angel. I felt her like she was right next to me. I felt her saying, "You see Mom, all the struggles weren't in vain. I understand now, and you should too. My life was part of God's plan. God gave me to you for a reason. Now go forth, and LIVE! Live like you never lived before. I will always be close. Someday we will be together again. I love you and Dad and my brothers forever!!" I did not want to leave the celestial room. I felt if I did, I would lose my connection to her. But I was wrong. When you lose someone you love, you always carry them in your heart. In the temple, we are closer to the veil than ever, and it gives us the opportunity to be so close to our dearly departed ones. You do feel them near. But even after I left the temple, I felt her close. I knew she was still with me, cheering me on. I won't ever forget her. Sometimes, when the memories begin to fade a bit, like the sound of her voice, or the feel of her skin, I get scared I will forget part of her. Then I realize, we were blessed with the opportunity, and time, to make many memories of her. We have pictures and videos galore. A couple of weeks ago, I found some videos she made on the computer in our kitchen. I never knew those videos existed, but what a gift to have them now. They were from a time when the sparkle was still in Ashley's eyes, when you could see her spunk and zest for life. What a blessing to have those treasures! I would not have been able to deal with Ashley's death as well as I have without having all those pictures, videos, and fond memories. They keep her bright in my mind. They help me remember the little things I don't want to ever forget.

And so we keep moving forward. I am so glad for this life I have been given. The grief is ever present, but through our Savior, Jesus Christ, I can face the future with faith, hope, and the knowledge, we are NEVER alone. Because of His atonement, death is not the end. He lives still, and our Ashley will too. She will be resurrected and have a perfect body. We will be a family forever!! All because of Him. He is always there!! ALWAYS! He will bear us up when we think we can't take another step. I know this to be true with all my heart and soul. Because of this faith, we are moving forward to the next stage in our lives, righteous desires in our hearts!! Heavenly Father and Jesus will be with us. And now I know, I am worthy in every way, to hear His voice and to fulfill the purpose of my existence. And I am holding tight to those convictions I hold dear, that someday, with unspeakable joy, we will be reunited as an eternal family, in the beautiful world above, rejoicing together, knowing we have done our part. We have lived well. How I long for that day!!! How grateful I am for the gospel of Jesus Christ!!!! It is true!!!!!!

Sunday April 25, 2010

2010-04-25T13:49:00.002-06:00

I have lots to write about again. I meant to update the blog several times this week. Unfortunately, Fablehaven was calling my name. Ashley loved that series. I never had the opportunity to read any of the books, but decided to start reading the first one this week. Thus, in my free time at night, insead of writing, I have chosen to read. I find it relaxes me so nicely before I go to sleep. And it makes me feel close to my angel girl. I can see why she enjoyed the books so much.

Well, it is official. Jason quit Idaho Watersports on Thursday. And yes, I support him wholeheartedly in his decision. It took a lot of faith. But Jason has never led us astray before. We have been blessed and guided with every change we have made in our lives. I know we will be blessed in our desires to make changes once again. With Ashley's passing, we are now free to leave Idaho and return to Utah. We need to leave Nampa. There are things that have happened here that need to be left in the past, bad memories that haunt us. We need to leave them behind. We had considered making changes last summer, for that exact reason. But it wasn't the right time. Ashley was very ill. She needed her nurses here. It would have been a nightmare to move at that time. But now, our situation is different. With her passing, our goals have changed. We both feel we need to get back into school to better our family situation. I don't care how long we have to sacrifice. It is 100% worth our time to finish college and earn degrees that will take us to where we want to go. Idaho Watersports is wonderful. But working there, there is no room to advance. Jason would need to work long hours for us to make ends meet. We would have to fight for insurance and retirement. He would never have Saturdays. In the summertime, when the boys are out of school, Jason would have to work long hours, as it is the busiest season for boaters. Every summer since we moved to Nampa has been like that. We don't have family time because of boat demos or whatever else has arisen. Jason doesn't want to be away from the family. There was a time when work was everything. He worked long and hard. We had a good living, but at what cost? Our family started to fall apart. I was very unhappy and always alone. We didn't attend church as a family. We became complacent in our goals and our eternal perspective became distorted. I found happiness in places that were not appropriate. No more! We are NOT going to let anything get in the way of our family, ever again! Our plan is to move to Utah. We are most interested in Logan. I will start school in the fall. I have already applied to Utah State. I will finish up my Elementary Education degree and then, if it is right, (and I am still praying about this one), pursue a degree in school counseling. I will work and then Jason will be free to finish up his degree. He is considering teaching as well. I know he would be a fine teacher. That is our goal. Education. Better jobs. Better future for our stripling warriors. I know our desires are righteous. I know Heavenly Father will bless us as we ponder carefully over our future. We will be guided.

I am also very excited to return to the temple. I am embarassed to say how many years it has been since Jason and I were in the temple together. He has been. I have been. But we have not been together for a very very long time. We need the blessings of the temple to fill our lives. We need be as close to the spirit as we can be, especially as we make all these decisions. In addition, when I am close to the spirit, I feel like I am close to my Ashley. I feel her near, and I love that feeling. I know she will be close when we are in the House of the Lord. Jason and I are planning a trip to the temple next weekend. We will go with my parents and my brother and his wife. It is going to be a joyous day for all of us!!! (0;

So now that all that business is out of the way, I need to share some of the amazing experiences I have had over the past couple of weeks. I have been volunteering like crazy in the school. In fact, I have been at the school at least four days a week, often both morning and afternoon. Thankfully, the teachers have let me come. I needed to know if I still wanted to be a teacher. And I found out, I do. I LOVE children. I love helping them, talking to them, watching them interact together. Children are amazing. I know teaching isn't the most glamourous job in the world. You certainly don't become a teacher for the pay. You do it for the kids, for the love of teaching. And I feel that. I know that is what I am supposed to do now.

Two weeks ago, I was in Austin's classroom. He was having a challenging day, and ended up sitting at the back table with me. When the bell rang for lunch, he asked me if I would take him out to lunch, so we could sit and talk. I am embarassed to say I have never done that before. I took Ashley out to lunch all the time. It was a wonderful time for us to talk and bond. I was thrilled Austin wanted to have some one on one time wtih his mom. We went to McDonald's and got sandwiches. And then sat and talked. It was so fun! I felt such a bond with my Austin son. I was so thankful I was there for him when he needed me. I always want to be there for my boys. I love them so much!

Last week I had another special experience with Austin. The fourth graders had an aluminum can drive to earn money for their Wagons Ho Idaho History day in May. Mr. B asked me if I would take the cans to the the recycling center, which I was happy to do. Austin was able to come with me. We had such a fun time watching the men unload the cans. The kids ended up with 37 pounds of cans which earned them $18.50. Austin was the one who took the receipt to the cashier who in turn gave the money for him to take back to his class. On the way back to the school, we stopped and saw Jason at work. It was a very fun. What a blessing to have time with Austin. I appreciate him now more than ever. He is often a difficult child, as most know, and I haven't been as close to him as I need to be. I am so glad I can focus on him now. What a great kid he is!

Well, time for choir practice! I will write more later!

A Special Tribute to Ashley

2010-04-18T20:24:00.003-06:00

This special picture was given to our family last week. It was drawn by an artist who wished to remain anonymous, but wanted to give us something special to remember Ashley. I was speechless!! Jason was speechless! What a beautiful tribute to our angel! What talent in capturing her life and her couragious spirit! I wanted to send a special thank you to a very generous individual who is truly an angel!! We love you and we thank you!! Thank you for helping us to heal.

Sunday April 18, 2010

2010-04-18T17:14:00.005-06:00

It seems like yesterday it was Valentine's day and I was worrying what to give Jason. Here we are, half way through the month of April. I can't believe how fast time flies. Before too long, it is going to be June and school will be out for the summer.

I took the time a couple of days ago to go back through some of the entries I made in November and December. It brought a whole flood of feelings rushing into my body. At that time, things seemed pretty difficult. It was only a touch of what was to come. I have to say, I was proud of how I survived. It wasn't on my own that I did. I know Heavenly Father carried me through all those dark, painful days. I have no doubt He was there with us, every awful step of the way. And I know He was with Ashley. There is no other way to explain how we all made it through the rain. Today in Relief Society, we had a wonderful lesson on the Holy Ghost. At the end of the lesson, Sis. Stokes invited the sisters to share some of their experiences when the Holy Ghost helped them or guided them. I felt impressed to share some of my experiences, but didn't get the time. I am going to share here. Over the past few months, I have had many experiences where the Holy Ghost brought comfort and strength to my heart. The most prevalent was right after Ashley's death. The months prior, I didn't know how I could let her go. I didn't want her to suffer, but I didn't want to live without her either. My heart broke every time I comtemplated life without her. I knew I couldn't let go without divine intervention. I prayed for the strength to give her back to her eternal Father. Every day since Ashley passed, in one way or another, I have felt the Holy Ghost with me. I have felt comfort in those moments of intense sorrow. I have felt joy in the new path my life is now taking. I have felt incredible gratitude for my amazing husband and boys. I have always loved them, but when the spirit is in my heart, as it has been, my feelings overflow!! I feel bonded to them in ways I never felt before. I feel peace about Ashley. I know she is alright. I know she is deliciously happy. Even though I miss her every second of every day, I have been blessed to let her go. I have been blessed with experiences where I feel her near. I have been blessed with the assurance that as long as we live righteously, she is ours forever. She is cheering us on. She wants us to be with her. I know this. I could not have survived the past month without the gift of the Holy Ghost. I want everyone to know I have a testimony of prayer. I have a testimony of the great gift the Holy Ghost is to us on this earth. His influence truly bears us up and testifies of eternal truths. When we strive to feel his presence every day, he will be with us. He will comfort us. I have so much more to write, but for now, I need to get boys ready for bed.

Thanks again to everyone for everything!! We continue to miss our angel, but we are moving forward with faith.

Sunday April 11, 2010

2010-04-11T16:01:00.002-06:00

I have written for so long, I have lots of catching up to do. It was a wonderful week last week. I can't complain one bit. I was busier than I have been in a very long time. Thankfully so. I didn't have much time left over to be consumed by my sadness. There were still moments when my heart ached for Ashley. Those moments will never go away. There will always be an empty space, but it does help to stay busy, helping others. When you think your situation is not very good, all you have to do is put yourself in someone else's shoes for a while and very soon you will discover how very blessed you are. Jason and I have many many blessings to be thankful for. I hope and pray that I will always be properly grateful for all we have been given.

I never look forward to Mondays. Even when I was younger, Mondays were hard. Looking at the start of another week is sometimes frightening, sometimes exciting, sometimes discouraging. I have felt all of those emotions over the past few months. I didn't know what to expect at the first of last week. Sunday was a difficult day for me. I was really missing my angel girl. General conference was very uplifting and inspirational. I was thankful for all of the words spoken, the testimonies born. But at the end of the day, I was feeling pretty empty inside. Thinking can be a bad thing for me. I allowed myself to ponder too much on who I am, on what talents and strengths I have. I came up feeling very inadequate, in every way. I have to fight those feelings. I knew I had to fight them, to dig into my heart and find faith in myself, in what I can add to this world. I spent a lot of time on my knees, pleading with my Father in Heaven for help to beat off the depression and dispair that overtook me. It was a miracle what happened.

On Monday, I had the opportunity to take a meal to my friend. I spend the afternoon with Jason in Boise. We had some lovely family time Monday evening. Monday turned into a good day, despite my hesitation that it would be.

Tuesday I started volunteering in Austin's classroom. I was nervous at first, wondering if I would really be helpful and not wanting to be in the way. When I left, I truly knew in my heart I was helpful. I know first hand, from watching my own parents, who are teachers, how much busy work is involved in the classroom. I was able to help with that, and it felt very good to know I contributed at least a little something to someone's day. (0:

That afternoon, I originally thought I would need to go spend the afternoon with my friend, helping her with her two year old daughter while she rested. She ended up not needing me to come, so I went with Jason to Lucky Peak for a boat demo. I have never been to Lucky Peak before. It was fun to be there, riding on a boat, watching Jason explain the ins and outs of boating. We had a blast. And Jason sold the boat. (0: Another plus! Ha ha ha!

Wednesday morning I was blessed to get to be chapperone for Spencer's fieldtrip to the Nampa Civic Center. It was another bonus that the performance the second graders watched was by the Idaho Dance Theater. That is one thing I am very passionate about: dancing! I grew up dancing and had the opportunity in college to be on the Folk Dance Team at BYU-Idaho. The Idaho Dance theater presented a wonderful show for the kids. I loved the opportunity to be around the other children in Spencer's class. Now I can put faces with names.

When I got back from the performance, Jason and I went to lunch and then I had an appointment for a massage with Sara Hodges. Sara is a wonderful massage therapist. I would recommend her to everyone. I have had so many aches and pains and it helps so much to have the knots worked out. I have never had a massage before, and man, I have really been missing out!! So relaxing!!

Wednesday night was scouts for both boys, and of course, completeing homework. I also took another meal to my friend. By the time I got the boys to bed, I literally crashed. I was so tired. It was an extremely busy day.

Thursday I went back to the school for a few hours to help Austin's teacher. Then it was out to Caldwell for a haircut by the talented Tasha Johns. Then it was home again, to get the boys. Austin had a counseling appointment. Then home again to finish up the meal I took to my friend. Then back home to make dinner for my own troopers. I was beat by the end of the night. I seriously didn't even have time to listen to my meditation music, like I do every day.

Friday was a little quieter. Jason and I went to Boise in the morning. I spent the afternoon cleaning my house and running errands, preparing for the weekend. I couldn't have been more grateful for all of the things Heavenly Father blessed me to be a part of over the week. I felt happy and useful. Most of all, I felt like Ashley was so proud of me. I was given the help I needed to beat the blues and serve those around me. I know that wasn't an accident. I asked for help and the help was given to me.

There are still lots of moments when sadness grips my heart. Life just isn't the same without Ashley here with us. But at the same time, I know we are beginning a new chapter in our lives. We can't look back now. We have to look forward, with heads held high, trusting in our loving Father in Heaven to guide us into the future. I know He will. He will help us, walk with us, lift us when we fall. In the words of one of my favorite songs, "There will be miracles when you believe."

May everyone have a beautiful Sunday filled with peace!! (0:

Monday April 5, 2010

2010-04-05T22:16:00.002-06:00

Just a brief entry tonight. Today has been a much better day. I woke up early this morning and made sure I took the time to study and pray. I can't even describe the strength and peace that I felt flow into my person. It was amazing! From that point on, I felt my a lightness in my heart that I haven't felt for a few days now. I love that feeling. It makes me feel closer to my little girl. I miss her so much, and I want to make her proud. I want her to know I am doing all I can, so one day, I can hold her in my arms again. There are times when my heart just aches to hold her hand, to caress her cheek, or to simply tell her how much I love her. I am richly blessed to have so many wonderful memories to look back on. We had a wonderful mother/daughter relationship that I will treasure forever!!

The other reason today was uplifting for me was that I was blessed with an opportunity to serve. One of my dear visiting teaching sisters had her baby on Saturday afternoon, via C-section, and she came home today. Over the next while, she will need lots of attentive care and help while she recovers from this painful operation. I am now in a position where I can help her. I can be in her home, and I know how to care for the injured. I feel very confident in my ability to do that. (0: I have had 12 years experience. I am not writing about this to boast or to shout to the world what I get to do. Just to simply state what a blessing it is to humbly serve others. There is no greater blessing than taking care of those around us. I am honored to give back what others have so generously given to me. I am confident Heavenly Father will guide me in my desires to be the hands of heaven on earth.

How grateful I am for prayer. How grateful I am for the Book of Mormon, and the spirit that fills my heart when I read and study it. How grateful I am for a charming, wonderful husband who treasures me. I never doubt for one second that he loves me, despite my feelings of inadequacy. He took the time last night to hold me, to cuddle me, to reassure me that I was important. That I would find my place again. That my heartache would subside with time. I love him so!!!

I wish everyone a wonderful evening.

Sunday April 4, 2010

2010-04-04T17:08:00.005-06:00

Do you ever wish you could bottle up the feelings that come with General Conference, to save them for later so you could always carry them with you? That is my wish this evening. I have struggled so much over the past few days. I am sure being sick hasn't helped. I still feel pretty darn yucky. But it isn't that. I am so worried about so many things. I miss my little girl desperately! The past two days have been the worst. I long to have her snuggled up to me. I long to be able to sit on the bed next to her and hold her hand in mine, stroking her wrist and arm. She took such comfort from those mommy touches. I long to have her with me as I run errands. She loved to go with me. We would put on her jam music and off we would go. I went to the store the other day and it was like pulling teeth to get one of the boys to come with me. They were caught up in their own little world, and going with mom was like a punishment. It made me deeply sad inside because I knew if Ashley was there, and she wasn't so awfully sick, she would have been with me. Gladly so.

I need to make a decision about school in the fall. I know I said before that I wanted to attend cosmotology school. I have always wanted to do that. But now I am totally second guessing myself. I have three years of elementary education under my belt. Three years! It is so hard to turn my back on that time I invested. And I love children and teaching. Teachers get awesome insurance benefits and retirement. I would always have the same breaks as my children. I am already worried about the times I would be in school and my boys would be at home. Who would take care of them? Jason will help. I know he will. But his job won't allow him to be home when I am at school. That is a big concern. I want to be there for my boys when they get home from school. My mom always was. Even when she and my dad were teaching, they were there for us. It was the best time to sit and talk. I long for that with my boys. I also want to know our family has insurance to cover our needs. I hate the fact that we don't. I don't feel like we can give our kids as good of care as they deserve. Plus, I don't want to be one of those people who have to work until they are 80 because they don't have a decent retirement. That is very important for Jason and I. We want to serve a mission together someday. We want to travel and serve and be there for our grandkids. So much to think about. I wanted to fast today. I tried, but my stupid antibiotic caused my stomach enough grief I had to abandon that idea. I did keep a constant prayer in my heart. I will have to fast this week. I need to make a decision now. I can't wait or I won't be able to get into school in the fall. AWWWW decisions can be the worst!

On top of all this decision making, I feel horribly depressed. I am not trying to sound like a baby. I know I have lots to be thankful for. I really do. But I miss my daughter and I still have hurt feelings about some things. I feel so lost when it comes to my life. I don't know where to go. I don't feel very confident in my talents, in what I can offer others in the way of service. I could go on and on about how inadequate I feel these days. It won't help, so I won't. I need to know Heavenly Father really does have a place for me in this world. He has a plan for my life, for my family. I know He does. I have to find it again. I want to serve and love and be of use to my family and my friends. It is going to take lots of prayer and fasting and scripture study to gain my confidence back. To not feel like a weakling. Man I feel like one.

Okay, enough of the self pity thing. As you can tell, I am not happy. I am struggling in every way. I feel sick. I feel depressed. I feel lonley. I feel inadequate. But I know I will find my place again. Jason has been so loving to me. I know he is probably feeling beside himself knowing how to help me. Bless his heart, he is such a great man and a fabulous husband. And I truly adore my boys. They are energetic and happy and so full of life. I thank Heavenly Father every day for this truly wonderful family that I have. And not only my family, but my extended family as well. I have so many elite examples to look up to. People who have gone through heart wrenching trials and survived. In fact, I just remembered something I can't ever forget: Merrill Grit!! When we were young, my mother's parents, Grandma and Grandpa Merrill, would remind us all the time how tough we were because we had the Merrill Grit. When we were hurt or down, they would remind us to pull out our Merrill Grit. That meant being tough, having lots of faith, and keep moving forward. I have relied on that grit many times over the course of my life. I can't let my ancestors down by letting a few bumps in my road stop my earthly progression. Anyway, I have lots and lots of work to do on myself. It isn't an easy road, but the end will be better than the beginning. (0:

Thursday April 1, 2010

2010-04-01T19:17:00.002-06:00

I have so much catching up to do, I am not sure where to begin. We had a lovely spring break. We ended up spending a couple of days in Burley, and then later heading to Salt Lake for three days. The only bummer part, I ended up with a cold. I have been blessed with good health for a while now. The dang cold just got the better of me. It is now a full blown sinus infection. My ear has been hurting as well. Of course when my head feels like a pressure chamber, and when my ear isn't very good, my balance issues become a problem. Not that they have ever gone away, but tonight I feel awful. Fortunately, I was able to get to the doctor this afternoon. I now have medicine, so hopefully I will feel better soon.

We left last Saturday after Jason got off work and headed to Burley. The orginal plan was to attend church with my parents. I was feeling sick enough on Sunday morning, we stayed home from church. We spent the remainder of the day visiting with my parents, my brother and his family, and my grandparents. I always love going home. There is nothing like sitting around, talking and laughing, remembering the good times. Those are happy pills for me. When I am feeling sad, thinking about something happy or special knocks the sadness away. My heart still hurts so much. It was nice to have the opportunity to talk about all the good memories we have all made over the years.

Monday morning, we took our troops and headed to Salt Lake. We stopped in Brigham City for lunch with Jason's grandma. It was so nice to see Grandma and Gene. After lunch, we hit the road again. Our first stop: temple square. We wanted to tour the visitor's centers, as well as the Beehive house. Unfortunately, we only had time for a tour of the Beehive house. My wonderful sister then met us and took the boys for the rest of the night. She took them to the movies and out for dinner. Jason and I were able to spend Monday night in the Anniversary Inn. What a blessing for Jason and I to have some quality time alone in a romantic place. MMMMMM! That is all I have to say!! (0:

We met up with Tammy and our boys on Tuesday morning and then headed to the Living Planet Aquarium in Sandy. My cousin, Nathan, met us there with his sister's two boys. Jason's dad, bless his heart, also took the time to meet us. The kids all loved the aquarium. I had no idea it would end up being as fun as it was. I am so glad we decided to meet there.

After the aquarium, we went over to my cousin, Tara's home for a while. We sat around, lauging and visiting. It was a blast!! Tara had a baby not long ago, so we were fortunate to see her new little guy. He is so darling! I was sick so I didn't dare hold him. But what a beautiful family Tara has! (0:

After Tara's house, we drove back to Salt Lake to Chuck a Rama. We had to eat there. That was Ashley's favorite place. I can't even count the number of times we went there with our angel. It was a tribute to her for us to have lunch there. After lunch, we went back to temple square. We have been going to Salt Lake for many years now, and we haven't had many opportunities to take our kids through the visitor's centers or to see the new movie in the Joseph Smith memorial building. We felt like it was important for us to spend some time, focusing on the spiritual things that would truly help us as a family. Especially right now, as we are missing our angel so very much. It turned out we made a perfect choice. There is no place on earth like temple square. The spirit was there. We all felt it. We had several choice experiences while we were there. One happened while we were in the Beehive house. Austin had been quiet for most of the tour. Right before we left the house, he looked at Jason and said, "I sure love this house. I feel the spirit so strongly here." Jason and I were speechless. There was a feeling of peace in that beautiful historic home. No doubt about it. I was deeply touched that my 10 year old son was able to feel it too.

While we were in the north visitor's center, two sister missionaries pulled our little group aside and asked us if we wanted to watch a special presentation on God's plan for us. I know it wasn't an accident they chose us. It was inspired. As we watched each video clip, we were all reminded of the importance of eternal families and the importance of missionary work. The knowledge that we have has been such a comfort in our time of loss. It is the only thing that keeps me going each day. I know someday I will see my beautiful little girl again. I have been blessed with that knowledge. I was reminded when I was in that movie with my family of how important it is to share the gospel message with others.

Later in the afternoon, we took our kids to see the new movie, "Joseph Smith" in the Joseph Smith memorial building. All I can say is WOW! What an inspiring movie! For those of you who haven't seen it, this movie follows the life of the prophet Joseph Smith and the early saints of the church. But it is different from any other movie I have seen on the prophet Joseph. When the movie finished, I was overcome with emotion. The only thought I had was why in the world do I whine or get depressed. Compared to the early saints of the church, I have a life of comfort and luxury. In our times, we are not called upon to move our families in the dead of winter, so we can worship as we please. Our church leaders are not wrongly imprisoned or beaten. Our homes are not destroyed. Our families are not mocked in the streets by mobs of angry men. Our children have the best in medical care, helping ease their pain when they become desperately ill. I can't imagine burying my angel in the middle of a prarie or some other awful place like the early saints were called upon to do. So many of them died for their faith. They were thrown from their homes. They suffered unspeakable wrongs. Emma Smith herself lost many of her children. I found myself asking how they did it. How did they keep their faith after so much hardship? Then I realized how they survived. They saw the eternal perspective. They knew what awaited them. They were converted heart and soul to the gospel of Jesus Christ. Their roots of faith ran deep. They comforted and cared for one another. They worked hard and gave their all each and every day. What would our world be like if everyone were like those people? What if we all took care of one another like they did? What if we served as faithfully as they did? How I wish I was more like them. I have wasted so much of my life on the stupid things of this world. I have allowed myself to be distracted. I have not served as well as I could have. I have not reached out to others like I could have. I have so much to learn, so much to teach my children about gospel living. I am so thankful my eyes were once again opened, and I was able to be reminded of the wonderful blessings that await the faithful, humble followers of god. I want to be one of the true followers of Christ. I want my life to be His. I want nothing more than to fulfill the measure of my creation. I know there are people I can help. I can be so much better than I am now. I pray, and continue to pray, I will never forget the legacy of faith left to us by our ancestors. I pray I will always live my life like they did and teach my children to do the same: serving, loving, working, teaching, growing.

I am so thankful for my family. I am so thankful for the opportunity to travel to Utah. I have so much to be thankful for.

Wednesday March 24, 1995

2010-03-24T23:01:00.000-06:00

Today has been a wonderful day. This morning, I was blessed with an oopportunity to help my sister with her boys. Kris had surgery at 7:30 a.m. and they had to be at the hospital at 5:30 a.m. All I did was go out to her house and make sure Zack and Kasey were taken care of. It meant getting up a little early, but it felt so good to be able to help my sis in her time of need. She and Kris have done many things for our family, especially in the last few months. I am so very thankful for the chance to return the favor.

Monica and I were able to finish up our visiting teaching this morning as well. I truly love my sisters! I haven't seen any of them for a very long time now. I feel bad I didn't even send them a note while I was busy with Ashley. But now I have the opportunity to make it up to them. I pray Heavenly Father will guide me to be as helpful to them as my dear visiting teachers have been to me.

I came home and cleaned house like a crazy woman. This afternoon, I went to the chiropractor. It felt SO GOOD to get adjusted. I knew I was all messed up. I needed to get cracked for many months now, but I couldn't leave my angel. So I just dealt with the aches. It is going to take some time to fix all that is out of whack. It hurt to be fixed, but it is means to an end. Tonight I have pains all over! I don't think I have ever been as sore after an adjustment as I am now. The good part of it all, the doctor thinks he can fix my dizziness by adjusting my neck. What a blessing that would be!! I can't wait to get rid of that stupid problem!! We will see how that pans out of the next few weeks.

This evening was parent/teacher conferences. I am so proud to say all my boys are doing excellent in school. They have good grades, and they participate well in class. What a blessing to hear the teachers say my children are a joy to have in class!!! (0: Jason and I have been blessed with not just one, but three other valiant and righteous spirits. They are amazing kids. I couldn't be more proud of them!! I rewarded them by buying them each a couple of new books from the Book Fair. I am really trying to encourage them to read more and watch TV less. I know turing the TV off will help our family so greatly!!

I also found out that I can start volunteering at the school right after Spring Break. I am so thrilled to have that opportunity!!! I think it will help Austin as well if I am there to help keep him in line too. He he he!

Overall, I am really starting to feel I have a place again. I have felt so lost. I still do, but I know as I continue to serve and help others, I will find myself. I will find my place again. And I know Heavenly Father will bless me as I seek those opportunities out.

I have to say one more thing before I hit the sack, I have the sweetest, most attentive husband in this whole world!! He has been such a support to me. He calls me numerous times during the day to make sure I am doing alright. He is willing to run errands with me, to go anywhere I need him to go. He holds me when I cry and loves me when I need reassurance. He is constantly looking for ways to help me with the housework and with the boys. He puts me first in every situation, no matter how tired he is, no matter how stressed out he is. I love him with all my heart!! I thank Heavenly Father every day, Jason is my eternal companion. I can't praise him enough!!! I want the world to know what a fine, righteous, compassionate, loving, and SEXY (he he he had to add that) man that he is!!! He is my rock.

Ok, now that is said, I am going to go cuddle with him. (0: Hope everyone has a wonderful evening!

Wednesday March 24, 1995

2010-03-24T09:17:00.000-06:00

Just a quick entry this morning. I have had several people emailing me worrying that they have offended me in some way. It was important for me to let everyone know I am NOT upset at anyone. Some things happened a long time ago, and they are in the past now. That is where they will stay. I was only trying to share my experiences with forgiveness, and how Heavenly Father helps us to forgive. There are so many wonderful people in our life, that are strong, valiant examples of gospel living. I can't express how thankful I am for all of these marvelous people that keep me on the straight and narrow. Much love to everyone!!! Please, please don't anyone worry! I have nothing but love in my heart!! (0: May everyone have a beautiful day!! (0:

Tuesday March 23, 2010

2010-03-23T17:05:00.000-06:00

Today has been hard day for me. I have been feeling sad. I am sure the reason for my sadness is because this is the first day I have been alone all day long, without my kids or Jason being here. It was difficult for me to face the empty house. There are so many reminders of Ashley here. I decided after I returned from taking the boys to school, to let my feelings out for a while. I put on the wonderful DVD my brother made of Ashley's life, and watched it and cried. It felt so good to get the sadness out! Don't worry. I didn't self pity for long. (0: I got the crying out and then I got busy, making phone calls and cleaning and getting myself ready for the day. I am working hard on cosmotology school. I made more ground today. YEE HAW!! (0: I so want to be in school! I need to keep myself out of the house as much as possible. It is too difficult to be home. No doubt about it!! Austin's teacher is ready to put me to work in his classroom. I am estactic about that. I want to go volunteer with the other teachers too. I love kids and I love teaching. I know being at the school will be a great opportunity for me to serve and feel useful again.

I was very blessed to spend the afternoon with my visiting teacher. She is a wonderful massage therapist, and had offered to give me a complementary massage. I was delighted to get out of the house and go visit with her. I had no idea how tight and knotted my body is. I found out today. Sarah is going to help me work on my sore shoulder and neck. I have lots of aches and pain these days. I enjoyed my time with her at her home. She is awesome!! Both of my visiting teachers are wonderful. I love them both!!! (0: Then after I picked up the boys from school, we went out for a walk. It was so nice to be outside, looking at the trees and flowers growing again. Ashley and I loved going for walks. Before she was too sick, we would walk to the school every day. I felt close to her today as we walked. Close to her, but missing her so much!!!

Tonight I am going visiting teaching with a young girl in my ward. She attends the singles ward and needed a partner for this month. Tomorrow is more visiting teaching for Monica and I, doctor appointment, and parent teacher conferences. So it will thankfully be a busy day. I need to finish up thank yous as well. Most of them are written now, but I don't have all the addresses. I can't believe how many people reached out to us! So far, I have written over 80 thank-you's and I have more to write. That wasn't including all the people who sent cards. We have been richly blessed in so many ways. I can't thank everyone enough for their continued support. We still need it.

Well, better go make dinner for the troops!! Here's wishing everyone a wonderful evening!!! (0:

Sunday March 21, 2010

2010-03-21T18:07:00.000-06:00

I would be so ungrateful if I didn't take the time to write down the feelings of my heart. It has been such a spectacular day full of peace. I haven't felt such comfort for a while now. The past week, while busy, was difficult in many ways. Fortunately I had my sweetheart by my side, helping me drag from day to day. And of course I had my rowdy boys, who always keep life interesting. The pangs of loss still found their way into my heart. How I miss my angel!!!!!!!

This morning, when I woke up, I didn't feel good. I felt light headed and dizzy and my ear was aching. I had aches and pains all over my body. My first instinct was to roll over and go back to sleep. I tried, but I knew, as I lay there, we needed to go to church. I knew Ashley wanted us to be there, that we would be blessed for going. I drug myself out of bed and woke up the troops. We were late. We didn't make sacrament meeting, but with Jason's help, we arrived just as the closing song was sung. My sweet Spencer was so happy to be in church. He told me church makes him happy. He is right. I feel so much better when I get my spiritual refill for the week. I felt that happy feeling overtake my heart the moment we walked into the church.

Our gospel doctrine lesson was fantastic! Sis. Quist always does a wonderful job with our Old Testament lessons, but today, the lesson was what I needed. We talked about Joseph, who was sold into Egypt. Specifically, about when his brothers came to Egypt to ask for food for their families. We talked about how hard it was for Joseph to forgive them, after the wrongs they committed. Joseph suffered greatly because of his brothers' jealousy. But he did forgive them. He loved them still. I was asked to read a scripture from Doctrine and Covenants, which was a scripture about forgiving others: D & C 64:8-11

"My disciples, in days of old, sought occasion against one another and forgave not one another in their hearts; and for this evil, they were afflicted and sorely chastened. Wherefore, I say until you, the ye ought to forgive one another; for he that forgiveth not his brother his trepasses standeth condemned before the Lord; for there remaineth in him the greater sin. I the Lord will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you, it is required to forgive all men..."

That isn't the whole reference, but the point is, we need to forgive those who offend or hurt our feelings. Sis. Quist asked for examples of times when it was hard to forgive someone of an offense. I immediately thought of a situation which of late has been plaging my mind heavily. It was something in relation to Ashley. I won't go into specifics. But I will say, I have cried many tears over this situation, feeling that my daughter was ignored because of her illness. That is all I can say. Last Sunday, I was again reminded of the feelings I have tried desperately hard to supress over the past few months. I was sad enough, I vented in my blog, but later erased it because I knew it wouldn't help. Long story short here, after our lesson today, I knew what I needed to do to get past these feelings I am harboring. I have to forgive. I am NOT one to hold a grudge. NOT AT ALL! I never have been and I never will be. I know those involved didn't realize how hurt I was. They never knew how hurt Ashley was. And they never will. I know Heavenly Father will help me to let go and forgive. And then I will have peace.

I also was impressed today to share a comment about families. Because of time, I didn't get to share in class, but I wanted to write it down here. In our discussion of forgiveness, we talked about forgiveness in families, and why it is so important to keep peace in our homes, amongst our love ones. My thought: when we leave this life, all we take with us is the knowledge we gain on this earth, and the love of those we associated with here on the earth. The love of our family. There is such power in family. When we had Ashley's funeral, and were surrounded by family, Jason's and mine, (we had aunts, great aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins, all of our siblings....it was amazing!) there was such strength from being surrounded by so many people we love so dearly. Our family got us through. They still are. I am so deeply thankful both Jason and I have such good family relationships. There are no grudges. There is no contention. Just peace, harmony and love. And with that, comes a strength that can never be defeated. I wanted to tell everyone to love their families, resolve issues, let grudges go, and let the strength of the family carry them through the hard times. It will!!! It will get you through anything!!!!!! I know this is true. I have experienced it firsthand. I love my family, my extended family, my in-laws....they are all the most amazing people in this world. I would not be who I am without them. I would not survive this trial without them.

I also had another beautiful experience in Relief Society. Our lesson was on the fall of Adam, when Adam and Eve had to leave the Garden of Eden. The discussion had turned to life outside the garden, when Adam and Eve knew what pain was, what joy was, were able to have children and exercise their agency. We talked about trials, and how they help us become stronger. We talked about how Heavenly Father has a specific plan for each of us. He knows what experiences we need to help us grow and develop on this earth. The plan was in place for Adam and Eve. The plan is in place for us too. I distinctly knew today, it was not an accident that Ashley was chosen to be our daughter. Heavenly Father knew we needed her. Our entire family needed her. She has brought so much unity into our lives. I can't begin to explain how many lives have changed because of Ashley's example. I know my heart will never again be the same. It is like the eternal perspective has been re-opened. I can see into the eternities, and I have hope of the beautiful world that awaits the righteous. I know one day I will hold my princess in my arms and tell her over and over and over just how much I love her and how grateful I am she was a part of my life. She changed my heart. She changed so many hearts. The world was a better place because she lived in it!!

Miracles still do happen. Our family has been privileged to have our own miracle. We have been blessed by an angel. I know as we continue onward on this journey through life, she will be watching over us. I felt her today. I knew she was proud!! I will keep praying that in the many days ahead, I will continue to feel her near. I pray she will always know how deeply her mother loved her!!!! I will think of her every day.

Thursday March 18, 2010

2010-03-18T21:30:00.000-06:00

The days are very difficult. I still feel such emptiness. It consumes me. I have to fight hard every day to keep a smile on my face. The tears come so freely!! I feel so lost too. There are times when I don't know what to do with myself. When I do sit and think, I get sad. It is so easy to be swallowed up in memories. My answer to the pain I feel: soft music, NO television, prayer, and lots of hard work. The harder I work, the less I feel pain. I have considered getting a job, but at this point, I am not sure what I would apply for. It has been years since I worked an actual job. It scares me a bit, especially since my head is still off. I feel dizzy every day. It is definitely a problem I have to deal with. It is starting to interfere more my daily life. I would be exercising two times a day if I didn't get so dang dizzy!!! I hate it!! I get nervous every time I drive without Jason. When the car is in motion, I am alright, but the minute I stop at a light or stop sign, I feel like I am on a rocking boat. It is pretty scary. I don't want the world to spin so badly I can't see to drive. I had that happen one day on Eagle Road. It was absolutely frightening! Fortunately, I was close to a parking lot and was able to get out of the heavy traffic. Something is definitely causing my dizziness. I know I was blessed the week we were in Burley. I felt better that week than I have in months. I was relaxed. I thought for sure my anxiety would show its awful head. But Heavenly Father blessed me. The only day I felt dizzy was the day of the funeral, and it eventually subsided enough I was alright. I can always put on a fake happy face and press onward. I have done that so many times over the course of my life. I don't like to let people know I feel sick. But I still do, and I hope and pray soon I can fix this awful problem.

I want to start into school in the fall. I know it is the right thing to do. It is time for me to pursue the career of my choice. My patriarchal blessing tells me that I will be blessed to get the education I need, and that it is important for me to go to college, and train for a career. The problem now, deciding what to do. I LOVE children and teaching. I am three years into my elementary education degree. I am not sure now if teaching is what I should do. I also have a passion for hair, makeup, and nails. I have ALWAYS wanted to attend beauty school. I know I would enjoy that my whole life long and never tire of making people beautiful. I feel at this time that beauty school is where I want to go. I haven't prayed or fasted about it yet. But I have checked into school. I can start in the fall with no problem, and they think I would be an excellent candidate for financial aid. I am so stoked about the possibility of cosmotology school in August!!!

**************

So I actually started this entry a couple of days ago. As you can tell, it was a harder day for me. I was struggling in many ways. That is going to be the norm from now on. Some days are going to be better than others. But there is always something positive to see in every day. I have not once let my sorrow ruin my days. I let the tears come, and then I get up and keep moving forward. I am NOT one to let life pass me by while I sit around feeling sorry for myself. I refuse to let things take me down. There are so many good things about our life now. I have tried hard to focus on what we do have. I am so grateful for my boys. They are busy and crazy and they drive us nuts at times, but I would be LOST without them. They keep me hopping at all times. I am excited for the things we get to do together. I am thrilled for summer to come, for all the new adventures waiting for the Winn family. Jason and I have talked extensively of the activities we want to do with our busy little boys. It will be fun. I know it won't take the pain away, but there is so much joy in family. I take great comfort in my wonderful husband and sons.

This past week has been busy. Jason and I spent some wonderful time together. We even took one afternoon and went to the movies. That was delightful!! I was able to have a lovely lunch with my visiting teachers. I love the sisters who watch over me. They are both kindred spirits and they have been such a great support system. I was feeling sad when they came to get me for lunch yesterday. By the time we ate, talked, and laughed, I felt so much better. What a blessing to have them in my life!!

Next week I already have several things planned to help fill my time. I want to make every day count. If I am going to make it back to my daughter, I am going to need to work hard, and be the best I can be. She set the standard, and we are all going to reach to it!! I am so thankful for all of my trials. I am thankful for the blessings that have been poured out on our family. I am thankful for all the people who did, and still are, walking by our sides, helping us cope with this great loss. We love and thank you all for everything!!

More to come...............(0:

Wednesday March 17, 2010

2010-03-17T10:53:00.000-06:00

I haven't had a chance to write for a few days. I can't believe how fast time flies. It is already Wednesday, and it has been two weeks since our angel went back to heaven. I am floored it has already been two weeks!! Every day brings new challenges. But I know Heavenly Father is with us every day, every hour of every day. There have been so many times when the waves of sadness overtake me, and I wonder if I will ever be able to stand the pain. I miss Ashley so much! She added so much to our home, even in her last days on earth. She blessed our lives. I am so grateful for the boys. They are busy and happy and I love spending time with them. Austin seems to be surviving. I was blessed to get Austin to his counselor last week. Austin will see Rick once a week for the next couple of months. Rick has some wonderful suggestions of things we can do to help Austin cope with this horrible loss. Austin started his own blog, in which he can write his memories of Ashley. He is also going to make a college of pictures to keep with him. It did help for Austin to get back into school. Yesterday wasn't a good day at school however. He called Jason and I at 11:45 and was very upset. We went and picked him up and took him home. He needed lots of hugs and loving reassurance that his pain would subside in time. I told him we would never stop missing Ashley, but if we really tried hard enough, Heavenly Father would bless us to feel her spirit near. Right now, I thrive on those moments each day when I stop the world around me and draw myself close to the Holy Ghost. I let the spirit fill my heart until I know, my angel is near. It feels so good to shut the world out and let the spirit in. I can't wait to get back to the temple. We need to renew our recommends, and then we will go. I know, in that most Holy place, I will feel my Ashley near. I can't wait!!!! I need to know she is still close. I can't bear the thought of her being far away. I am so afraid of not feeling her around me. It is such a comfort when I do.

It was so nice to have my brother and his wonderful family here for the weekend. Their energetic children lit up our home with such happiness. Our boys were delighted to spend time with their cousins. My youngest niece, who will be a year old in just a couple of weeks, was such a joy to have around. I held her lots, and I found great comfort in her beautiful soul. Alexis is a comfort to our whole family. She has a spirit about her that is undeniable. Ashley always loved Alexis. She held her and played with her every chance she got. I know she saw the valiant spirit in Alexis. I am so glad we were once again able to have Alexis, as well as her wonderful brother and sister, in our home.

Jason and I have lots of decisions to make in the coming months. But I know we will be guided by the Holy Ghost. I am working so hard every day to keep our home a place where the spirit can dwell. One of the biggest things we have done is to turn off the TV. We still let the kids watch a little bit, but most of the time, it is off. I never realized how distracting the TV can be. When it is off, and the house if peaceful, the spirit fills our home. We spend more quality time together. The boys fight less. I am grateful for the advice of a wise man who suggested we do that one small thing.

So we will keep moving forward. There is no option but to continue on, living life and finding as much joy as we can in the world around us. I know Ashley would want that. She would want us to be happy and close. I will forever miss my angel!!! I long for her. I long to talk to her. I long to see her radiant smile and feel of her strength and courage. I know the day will come we will be with her again!!! That is what keeps me going every day.

Sunday March 14, 2010

2010-03-14T22:09:00.000-06:00

Today has been a difficult day. Every day since we lost our angel presents challenges in one way or another. Today I missed my little girl. I missed her smile. I missed laying by her, stroking her arms and face. I missed hearing her tell me over and over again just how much she loved me. I feel so empty without her. That feeling overwhelmed me numerous times today. I wanted to sit in a little ball and cry until my eyes didn't have any tears left. Of course, with company here, there was no way I could do that. Fake it until you make it. That was what I did. It didn't help the pain. I hurt so much!! I am so happy Ashley is at peace. But man, I miss her!!!!!!! It just won't ever be the same without her in our home.

I thought about Ashley's life today. I thought about all the people who stood by Ashley and loved her and supported her, even after her passing. She was blessed to have an army of supporters. Jason and I never dreamed so many people would reach out to our family to lift our burdens!! Thanks to everyone for the meals, notes, flowers, gifts, time spent driving to Burley for the funeral!!! You have all touched our family! You have honored our angel. Ashley was blessed to have the world's greatest aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, friends, etc. that were a constant support to her, especially in the last part of her life. She had the most amazing nurses ever. She had the best doctors ever. She had the best oxygen suppliers and PICC line care team. There were so many wonderful angels who made her journey on this earth more bearable. Thank you to all who took such diligent care of Ashley. Thank you to everyone who sacrificed for us and for our angel. There will never be words to thank everyone for the love we have felt!!

Sorry for my mood tonight. I promise I am NOT angry. I am just sad. I have had so many wonderful spiritual experiences since her passing. The spirit has been very strong in our home, and in my heart. I want to keep it that way. When I am close to the spirit, I feel closer to her. I have tried hard every day to keep the spirit with me. It is so hard!! I feel so many emotions! One minute I am smiling and the next I want to cry for hours. At times, I don't want to speak to anyone. There are times when I feel hopelessly lost. Jason has been a wonderful support. Without him, I would be a total mess!!! The one thing I am grateful for, is my knowledge that families are forever!!! We will see Ashely again. That reunion will be so joyous!! I can't wait for the day when I can hold my angel again!!! Until then, I pray for comfort that only God can give. I know it will come. The pain will ease and I will once again feel a little like myself again.

The Final Night with Our Angel

2010-03-11T11:55:00.000-07:00

As I have read over Ashley's final day on this earth, I have perfect recollection of how sick and miserable she was. Her breathing had become labored. Her entire body was a mass of aches and pains. When the fever hit, she was so desperately ill. I remember how panicked I felt, how helpless I felt. At that point, all we could do was pray to our loving and merciful Father in Heaven.

I can't remember the exact time, but it was around 12:30 or so. Jason came down stairs and gave Ashley an anointing blessing. In that blessing, he told her it was alright to go. He promised her we would be alright. He told her Heavenly Father was watching over us. He would bless us after she returned to Him. Jason promised her, the suffering would soon end. Her time was very near. As he finished the beautiful blessing, I had the most amazing feeling come over me. My heart burned within. I felt all the fear leave. The most striking feeling of calm encompassed my entire body. I knew, beyond all doubt, everything was going to be alright. Heavenly Father was with us. The angels were near. I was given the privilege of feeling them. They are real!! Never doubt!! I know they were in our home!! Just as Ashley's patriarchal blessing promised, they came for her. They lovingly wrapped her in their arms and escorted her home.

I was blessed to be right next to Ashley as she breathed her final breaths. Her passing was everything I wished it to be. She didn't gasp for air. She didn't cry out in pain. She simply stopped breathing. It was peaceful in every way. She gently slipped from this life into the next. I was right there. I got to love her and tell how how proud I was, how honored I was, to be chosen to be her mom. I told her over and over, as I held her, just how much I loved her and would miss her every day for the rest of my life. What a beautiful ending to this amazing journey.

The next few hours were a blur. Our wonderful home health nurse came quickly. I can't tell you how efficient Nancy was. She took over the minute she was in the door. As I stood crying, and making calls to family, she made all the other calls for us: to Rasmussen funeral home, to Norco, to Primary Children's, to our doctor. She helped prepare the body. She let me wash Ashley and to help re-dress her little body. Our social worker was here shortly after. Together, Kenette and Nancy disposed of the medications. They took care of everything. They helped clean up breakfast dishes. They helped distract the boys. They stayed until the funeral home arrived, to make sure all was well. I was amazed at their efficiency. Jeff Rasmussen commented to us later at the funeral home, just how blessed we were to have those special women at our side. He said he had never, in all his years of experience, dealt with anyone more compassionate and efficient as they were. I know that was not an accident. Heavenly Father knew we needed Nancy and Kenette. I can't express enough gratitude to them for all their devoted and caring service. They made this journey easy in so many ways.

I was so exhausted when Jason and I fell into bed that night. We both were!! I didn't see how I would make it through the next few days. I prayed for help. I prayed for peace. I prayed for strength to face the future. The next morning, my prayer was answered. When I woke on Thursday morning, I felt happy. Not just a little bit happy, but so happy, I wanted to shout for joy. I knew, it was Ashley. She was telling me not to be sad. She was finally home. She was free from her heavy burdens. She was with her Father in Heaven. That feeling did not leave me for the entire time we were in Burley. There were numerous other times when my heart filled with peace. I felt my little angel. I knew she was with me. I knew she was watching over everyone as we said our final goodbyes. My biggest fear was that once we left Burley, I wouldn't feel her so near. I didn't want to lose that feeling. It has been such a comfort to me!! As we came home, and as I have continued to pray, that wonderful feeling did not leave. I know she is still near. Her spirit continues to fill our home. It is hard!! There are so many memories. What a blessing to have those precious memories!!! What a blessing to have had 12 years with this valiant soul.

I know, with God, nothing is impossible. As we move forward into the future, He will continue to bless us and help us. He will help us find our way. When we think we can't take another step, He will be right there to carry us. I know God lives!!!! I know Jesus is the Christ, and through Him, our burdens will be lifted!! I know life continues on beyond the grave. I know angels are REAL!! They stand near, to help us when we weep. I know someday, we will see our angel again. What a joyous, joyous, joyous time that will be!! I pray we will always live worthy to have that blessing!!!!!!

Wednesday March 10, 2010

2010-03-10T16:55:00.000-07:00

I have so much to write about, I don't know where to begin. Over the past few days, I have had some of the most amazing experiences. I know Heavenly Father blessed me and my wonderful family in numerous ways. I know Ashley has been close. I have felt her multiple times. I so wish she was still here. There is a huge hole, and it hurts. I am trying to stay busy. Jason has been home. He will be home for the next week or so. He is wonderful. He distracts me and makes me laugh. I am so thankful I don't have to face this house alone. I couldn't do it. There are too many memories here. There are so many reminders of our angel. I think I am doing alright, and then I see something she read, or played with, or listened to, and the waterworks start up again in full force. I am hoping in time I won't feel so much pain. I think it is going to take a long time for the pain to dull.

As for the boys, they have been alright. Preston and Spencer have done amazingly well. They have had their sad moments, but for the most part, they are happy. Austin has had a rough time. He is consumed with grief. For three nights in a row, he was so sad at bedtime, he came and slept with Jason and I. One night, he was so upset, Jason gave him a blessing to help him calm down. We had no idea he would handle Ashley's passing like he has. We thought it would be Spencer who was the most affected. Spencer spent more time with Ashley than any of the other brothers. But we were wrong. Our poor Austin misses his sister greatly. On the way back from Burley on Monday, we stopped to get fuel. The other boys went into the store with Jason, and I sat in the car with Austin. He talked to me about how when he came into the bedroom where Ashley was, she always took the time to tell him that she loved him. He said, "Now I won't ever get to hear her tell me she loves me. I will miss her voice so much!" I told him he may not get to hear her voice, but he can always feel her near. I told him to pray harder than he has ever prayed before, to have the peace Ashley is still watching over him. He has taken great comfort in holding her things close. When we arrived home, he came into our bedroom and laid where she had once lain. He snuggled her pillow. He watched a movie she loved. And I think for a short time, he felt a little peace that only a loving Father in Heaven can give.

We will continue to keep moving forward. What a blessing and a privilege to have this experience. I know my heart is changed forever!! Our family is closer than we ever dreamed possible. Our spiritual eyes have been opened. The eternal perspective is in focus once again. What a miracle!! What an opportunity! I would like to thank everyone for the wonderful support and love given to our family. I never dreamed so many people would rally around us, helping us carry this burden of grief. Jason and I were amazed at how many people attended Ashley's funeral. And I know, if it had been possible, many more would have come. What a tribute to our beautiful Ashley!!! We were not alone. Our angels held us up. I know we will continue to be supported as we move through the next few weeks.

Viewing Pictures from March 7, 2010

2010-03-10T16:47:00.001-07:00

I couldn't have been happier with how wonderful our angel looked when we saw her. Her hair was beautiful. Her color looked so natural. They even took the time to paint her fingernails. I was touched with how meticulous they were with her little body. They promised me they would handle her with care, and they did, in every way. I can't express enough gratitude to the funeral home. They were amazing!!!!

Pictures from March 3, 2010

2010-03-09T22:42:00.000-07:00

These pictures were taken just a short time after Ashley died. I had the privilege of helping Nancy wash her body and change her clothes. Nancy lovingly placed her on our bed. We were blessed to have Ashley with us for about five hours before the funeral home came for her body. This was our request. Had we asked, the funeral home in Burley would have sent a local funeral home to get her sooner. But I wanted to keep her here for as long as possible. The boys were able to come into the bedroom and sit with Ashley. It was like our own informal, private viewing. We touched her hair and held her hands and stroked her cheeks. The boys chose out some of her favorite toys to send with her body. We had the wonderful opportunity to sit and talk about death and the spirit world. We talked about the plan of salvation. We talked about how we would be a family forever. There are no words to describe the peaceful spirit that was in our home as we sat with our little angel. It was absolutely overwhelming. I knew she was near. And I knew she was at peace.

Viewing Information

2010-03-05T09:55:00.000-07:00

I mentioned that the viewing was on Sunday night from 6 to 8 p.m. but I neglected to mention the location. The viewing on Sunday night will be at the Rasmussen Funeral home located 1350 E 16th Avenue in Burley, Idaho. There will also be a viewing at the church one hour prior to the funeral. Thanks again to everyone for everything!!! (0:

Please watch the blog for more to come. I have so many wonderful experiences I would like to share that I don't have time to write about now.

Funeral Arrangements for Ashley

2010-03-03T23:13:00.000-07:00

First of all, I want to thank everyone for absolutely everything: meals, flowers, help with children, care packages, emails, blog comments, etc. I especially want to thank our wonderful home health nurse and social worker who made this morning so easy. They came in and took care of everything at a time when my heart was truly grieving. Thank you Nancy and Kenette!! We love you!! I also want to thank Dr. Etheridge and the wonderful staff at Primary Children's hospital for 12 wonderful years of loving care. Dr. Etheridge, you are the most amazing cardiologist in the world!! We love you with all our hearts and look forward to visiting with you soon. I could go on and on. We have had so many people reach out to our family. Thank you all for serving and loving us.

Ashley's funeral will be on Monday March 8, 2010 at 11:00 a.m. Because we are going to bury Ashley in the Paul Cemetery, we made the decision to hold her funeral in the Burley/Rupert area, specifically in the little town of Paul, Idaho where I grew up. It is about 2 1/2 hours east of Nampa. The Paul Stake Center is where I went to church for most of my life, and it is truly fitting that it would be the church where we say goodbye to our angel. For those of you who would like to attend, please email me and I will happily give you more specific directions to the church there. Really, it isn't hard to find because Paul is so little, and it is the only LDS building in the town. (0:

I have some wonderful things to share that happened today, but tonight, I am completely exhausted and looking forward to some cuddle time with my wonderful husband. (0: I will write another entry soon to share with you some of the amazing things that happened on this day. Heavenly Father has truly blessed us with peace. I know Ashley is happy. I know it with all my heart. Her courageous battle is finally over and she is with her Father in Heaven, laughing, running, dancing, singing.....doing everything she couldn't do in this life. What a blessing to be a mom to such a valiant spirit!!!

Thanks again to everyone!! We love you! We thank you!!

Ashley is gone

2010-03-03T06:56:00.000-07:00

Ashley passed away peacefully about 6:15 this morning. We will update the blog soon for funeral arrangements. Thank you all so very much for your prayers, for your love and support!!

5:45 a.m. UPDATE

2010-03-03T05:44:00.000-07:00

It has been a horrible night. Ashley definitely has pneumonia. I think I have slept about two hours. Ashley has slept even less. She is in and out of drowsiness, but hasn't been able to really sleep. Her breathing continues to decline. You can hear the fluid in her chest. It is bad enough now, she is almost gasping for air. I have given her all the medicine I dare. I don't know what else to do but pray. Jason gave her another blessing a few hours ago, and she did calm down for a bit after the blessing. At the current moment, she is NOT calm. She cannot breathe! It is horrible!!! But at least her fever is down. I am so grateful the fever isn't raging anymore. I gave Ashley lasix around 2:00, but so far, she has not been able to go to the bathroom. I attempted to get her on the potty, (at her request), around 4:30. She went a little bit, but then I couldn't get her back into bed and had to get Jason to lift her. Her body is shutting down. I am praying now that Heavenly Father will be merciful and take her home. Oh how I pray she won't have to stay on this earth and suffer like she has tonight!!!!!!!!!!

URGENT UPDATE

2010-03-02T23:44:00.001-07:00

Ashley spiked a fever just after 11:00 tonight. It was 100.9 under the arm. I called Nancy for help. Nancy thinks she is most likely getting pneumonia from the fluid. There is nothing we can do but try to keep her comfortable and fight the fever as best we can. At the moment, she is breathing super fast (expected because of the fever), and you can hear the congestion in her chest. You know she is really struggling when she begs for oxygen!! I hope and pray that Heavenly Father won't let her suffer much longer!!! I am so worried and scared!!!! Please pray for us!!!!!!!

Tuesday March 2, 2010

2010-03-02T22:05:00.000-07:00

Just when we thought things couldn't get worse, they did. I don't mean to be pessimistic. But Ashley has continued to decline. Thankfully, last night was a better night for her. She slept from midnight clear until 5:30 a.m. I was thankful she was able to sleep, but it meant she didn't get a dose of lasix in the night. I wasn't about to wake her up. I figured sleep was more important that the medicine. I was up at 3:00 to let the dog out, and then stayed awake for awhile, just listening to her breathe. She was breathing so fast, and I could hear rattles in her chest. I knew she was fighting the fluid. But she looked so peaceful, despite the breathing difficulties. It was almost like she was in another place. I was so grateful to see her be at peace.

As you can imagine, not having an extra dose of lasix, she sounded awful when she woke. She was coughing and puffing. It took most of an hour before her meds kicked in and she was able to relax and go back to sleep. Even then, she was working to breathe. She did wake up just briefly around 11:15 and tried to eat a little bit, but by the time she finished, she was so exhausted, she laid back and crashed immediately.

I was so thankful for Jason's help today. Austin turned up with an upset stomach. He was feeling sick last night, and still had trouble this morning, so I kept him home. Of course, we totally freak when we have germs in the house. We have to. Anything that passes to Ashley would kill her. Jason and I don't want sickness to take her life. She is suffering enough! So, to protect me from the germs, he stayed home and took care of Austin so I wouldn't have to interact with him so much. I don't want Jason to get sick either, but he said it was more important for me to stay healthy. Bless his heart!! I was very very very grateful he was home. With Ashley continuing to struggle so much, I was nervous all day long. He always calms me down and makes me laugh. I needed that distraction today.

This evening, Ashley's breathing got worse. I ended up giving her ativan, morphine, and hydrocodone around 4:30. I gave her more morphine this time, which is what Nancy suggested we do to help Ashley's breathing relax. It did help. She calmed down and fell asleep for quite a while. Jason, in the mean time, took the boys to Pack meeting. I was so glad the boys were able to go and get their awards. What a trooper Jason is for helping do that tonight!!! (0:

Shortly before they came back from the church, Ashley woke up in horrible pain. Her legs were paining her greatly!! They hurt so much, she cried! I didn't know what to do. It wasn't time for more pain meds yet, so I sat and gently massaged them. I also got the heating pads out and put them on her legs. It was literally a minute by minute countdown to the time she could take her pain medication. She was in so much pain, she begged her dad to give her a blessing. Oh our poor angel!!!! She was miserable!!! What a blessing to have the priesthood!!!

With the meds on board, and the heating pads back on, and a wonderful priesthood blessing given, she at last fell asleep, but not for long. The lasix hit and she had to go to the bathroom. Her legs were still so sore, she struggled desperately to get on the toilet. Then she was so weak, I couldn't get her off. I had to call Jason to come lift her off and help put her back in bed. Thank goodness for his He-man muscles!!!! If he hadn't been here, I don't know what I would have done. She was stuck and I am not strong enough to lift her back on the bed. I think it is time to consider Depends. Nancy suggested that option when she was here on Monday. I told Ashley we could use them in the bed, and she wouldn't have to get up. With how sick she is tonight, she was willing to consider that. I will discuss that with Nancy tomorrow. We have to do something. Ashley can't get to the toilet. It is awful!!

I have a feeling we are in for another long night. I hope not, but Ashley is not doing well. I pray with all my heart and soul that soon Ashley will be released from her broken physical body. Oh how she suffers!! I can't bear to watch her!!! It is killing me!! It is killing Jason!! It would be such a blessing for her to go. We will continue to pray that soon she can be released from her burdens. They are so heavy!!!!!

Monday March 1, 2010

2010-03-01T22:57:00.000-07:00

This is going to be a very short post. I am super tired tonight, and Ashley is not doing well.

Last night was horrible. Ashley woke up just after 2:30 and could not breathe. Her lungs sounded horrible, and her nose was stuffed up. She was miserable! I did what Nancy told me: gave her a dose of lasix to help with the congestion, gave her ativan and morphine, propped her up high on pillows, and prayed!!! I also used the saline nasal spray to help get some of the gunk out of her nose. The spray did help so she could blow her nose. But she was up for almost three hours after that. I have no idea when she finally was able to sleep. We put on a movie and I fell back to sleep sometime in the middle of it and woke up as it was ending. Ashley had to go the bathroom a couple of times in that time frame. Thankfully, when I got up this morning, her breathing was more relaxed. She still struggled, but she was not heaving and puffing and congested like she was in the night. Nancy and I agreed that she needs the middle of the night lasix dose to help keep on top of the fluid in her lungs. It means we have to get up a little more in the night, but I don't care. If it keeps her comfortable, I will fly to the moon if I had to. I hate to see her working so hard to get air. It is horrible in every way!!!! We will also increase the morphine and ativan as needed. Those drugs work well together in combination to help relax her respirations a bit. I was worried about over medicating Ashley, but right now, I am not. It is all about comfort, and if she is sleepy, it is a blessing. It is so much better than seeing her work for every breath!!

Over the course of the evening, her breathing grew worse again. I can hear the congestion in her chest as she is next to me now. I propped her up really high to help her breathe a little better, and I made sure to give her a good dose of ativan and morphine. I just pray she will be able to breathe and rest tonight. I am so worried right now. It doesn't look good. If it comes down to it, I will ask Jason to give her a blessing. I have great faith that a priesthood blessing will relieve her suffering. I trust in that more than I do in the medicine. Miracles happen, and we have seen so many over the course of Ashley's lifetime. I know they won't stop now. Not when we believe in a loving Father in Heaven, who hears and answers every prayer. I know she would be blessed. Ashley has such great faith!!!

May everyone have a good night. Keep praying for us. The battle is still raging!!!!

Sunday February 28, 2010

2010-02-28T22:09:00.000-07:00

How grateful I am for priesthood blessings. Last night, I was unconsolable. I felt like the world was crashing down around me, like I was in a deep, dark hole of sadness and I would never escape. I cried and cried. Poor Jason came in and sat by me, trying to figure out how to help me. I couldn't even talk. I didn't know how to voice the grief that was gripping my heart. He finally suggested I have a blessing. I can't tell you how peaceful I felt once he lifted his hands from my head. Then I cried and cried even more because I was so grateful for the warm reassurance from my Father in Heaven that I would be alright. I am so deeply grateful for Jason, and for his unconditional love. He is such a good man. I can't believe I am so blessed to have a man like him as my eternal companion. They say you should marry above yourself, and I did. Jason continually lifts me higher. With him by my side, as well as the love of so many others, my parents and siblings and friends, and with my Heavenly Father, I know I will hold together. I won't crumple into little pieces like I fear I will.

That being said, today was another heart wrenching day. Ashley continued to struggle. Her breathing has been labored. The morphine and other drugs do help her be sleepy, so she spends more time sleeping. But the breathing, I don't think it will improve. It is hard to watch her. She struggles so for every breath. She continues to weaken. She nearly fell three times today attempting to get to the bedside potty. I did slide it closer to the bed, in hopes she might reach it easier. It was still a major effort for her to get up. She was able to eat some turkey this afternoon, when we had Sunday dinner. I fixed turkey especially for her, at her request. I know how much she loves eating turkey. She couldn't eat much, but at least she was blessed to get a few small bites.

I also successfully gave her a "wheelchair" bath this afternoon. She can't get into the shower on her chair, but I sat her in her wheelchair, wrapped her in towels, and rigged a hair thing with a garbage sack so I could wash her hair. It worked beautifully and she relaxed so much after a refreshing wash. She is having more problems with incontinence. The accidents are becoming more frequent. She gets so desperately upset when she loses control of her bowels. I always try to reassure her. We don't tell anyone, especially not her brothers. It isn't her fault. I remind her that it is the disease. We clean things up and then she is alright. Bless her heart!!

This week is going to be the biggest trial of our faith yet. I feel that through every fiber of my being. I am not sure Ashley will live out the week. I know the time is coming when I have to let go of my angel. I am going to have to pray every second of every day to be strong enough to let her go and have the faith to keep moving forward. But that is what we will do. Keep moving forward, trusting in our Heavenly Father. I know with lots and lots and lots of faith, I can bear the grief that is already consuming my heart and soul. Thanks to everyone for continuing to support us. We need you. Please don't ever think your comments, no matter how small they are, are not helpful. Every word is a blessing!!! What a huge blessing to have so many wonderful neighbors and friends and church members behind us!! We love you all!! We look up to you all!! Thanks for being our angels!!! (0: May everyone have a beautiful week full of peace and safety!!!

Saturday February 27, 2010

2010-02-27T22:11:00.000-07:00

I am happy to say Ashley slept for five straight hours last night!! Yea! We both slept better than we have for a long time. Man it feels good to sleep. I remember the days when my kids were small, and I was up and down all the time. Felt like zombie I did. Ha ha ha! I was so tired during that time in my life. But I survived. There will come a time when I will be able to sleep.

It was another long day for us. Jason was super busy at work. I am thankful for the customers. It means Idaho Watersports continues to be successful. They deserve to succeed. They all work so hard. The bummer part about Jason's busy day was that he had to work until late. I think he made it home by 8:30. I missed him a lot. It was a very emotional day for me, and I wanted to curl up by him and cry for a while. He is always so good to sit and hold me when I am sad. These days, I feel sad all the time. I try to stay positive, but it is so hard. I find myself feeling emotional over the smallest things. Sometimes commercials make me cry. I mean, come on!! Who cries over a commercial???

Ashley was thankfully very sleepy all day long. Her breathing was still rapid, but I felt like she was working a little less than she did yesterday. I think the morphine is helping, as well as the increase in lasix. Her face was very swollen when she woke. It has continued to look puffy. She had huge bags under her eyes this evening. The swelling, coupled with the pale white skin made her look awful. Her eyes didn't help. The additional morphine makes her eyes look glazed and unfocused. The past couple of days, her eyes have looked so empty and lifeless. It kills me! She has always had such sparkle in her eyes. I miss the sparkle so very much!! There are so many things I miss.

She didn't hardly eat a thing today. I had to push her to try. I was so fearful of her poor stomach being empty with morphine on board. I know morphine has been a problem in the past. I pray it won't be a problem now. We need it. It does help. I would be beside myself if there was nothing we could offer Ashley to make her more comfortable. I pray she can stay comfortable throughout the night.

Tonight I am so full of grief. I can feel her slipping away, more and more every day. I don't want her to suffer. I know there is no quality of life left for her anymore. She has made her peace with everyone. Her affairs are in order. She is ready to return to her heavenly home. It would be such a blessing for her to go home. But dang it all, I don't want to let her go. I just don't know how I will be able to live without my special angel girl. I am going to miss her so very much!!! I am going to miss girl's night out, shopping trips, getting haircuts, making crafts, studying together, dancing together. I am going to miss her smile and her laugh and her brave little heart that is so full of love for everyone. It hurts so much already and she is still here. Oh how it hurts!!!! But I have so many examples to look to, people who have walked this path and have survived. They still smile. They still live. Their lives didn't stop just because they lost a loved one. I have to go on too, for my wonderful husband and three beautiful boys. I have great faith Heavenly Father will give me the courage to keep living and breathing and loving life. He will help me bear this burden that seems, at this time, like the biggest, tallest mountain. Thanks to everyone for your continued faith in us, in me. I feel so weak!!! It helps so much to know others believe in me still. Thank you so much!!!! Keep praying for us. The hardest time is still yet to come.

Friday February 26, 2010

2010-02-26T22:15:00.000-07:00

Today was another long day. Seems like I say that all the time now. But the days seem so long at times. Last night didn't help. Ashley and I had a horrible night. Poor Jason did too. We were all tired and grumpy this morning. Ashley's problem wasn't the diarrhea. She couldn't breathe well. It was awful! She finally gave up and turned on the TV shortly after 6:30. I was so tired, I fell back to sleep for a little bit, but I know she didn't. The boys were thankfully very cooperative. I wasn't in the best mood, and it was so nice to have them get ready without too many reminders. Yesterday, Austin woke up searly. When I came out into the living room at 7:45, he was dressed and ready for school, coat and all. He had laid out Spencer and Preston's backpacks and shoes. He had breakfast on the table, with bowls and spoons for everyone. We were like, "Who are you and what did you do with Austin?" Ha ha ha ha! For those of you who know Austin well, you are really laughing right now. He is NOT a morning child. It usually takes lots of reminding to get him out the door on time. Anyway, we are so proud of our boys. They are amazing!!! When I need them to step up and help out, they do. What troopers!!! (0: Jason and I can't praise them enough for how well they have done. Their help this morning lightened my load considerably!

This morning, I felt so overwhelmed. It is desperately hard to see Ashley continue to decline. It is desperately hard to see her struggle to breathe, to see her so weak and forlorn looking all the time. Her color is awful. Her eyes are droopy and lifeless. Her legs hurt like heck. I know she suffers greatly!!!! Through it all, she continues to bear her burdens with grace and dignity. She is not bitter. She is not angry. She doesn't complain. She will cry, but only because of the intense pain and discomfort. I don't blame her there! I would cry too!! I know Ashley is dying. I see little pieces of her disappear every day. This morning, the grief was unbearable! I felt sick and tired to boot. I was a mess. I didn't feel strong enough to handle it all. It was like I had a 50 pound weight on my heart. I knelt down in the living room, and poured my heart out to my Father in Heaven. I prayed and prayed and prayed like I haven't prayed for a very long time. As soon as I closed my prayer, I felt the weight lift from my heart. I felt the fear and the grief slither away. I felt peace. I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, I would hold up under the pressure. I knew Ashley would be blessed. And I watched the blessings of heaven poured out upon our angel over the course of the day. She was able to breathe a little bit better. She was able to rest. I saw more comfort in her than I have seen in a long time. That wasn't by chance she was able to have some peace. It was a direct answer to the prayer of a distraught mother. How grateful I am for prayer! It works!!

Nancy and I talked again today about how to help Ashley as best we can. The plan is to add an additional dose of lasix in the night time. We are also adding a small dose of morphine in between doses of ativan and hydrocodone. I tried the morphine this afternoon and it helped her breathing to slow a bit. We have to get the fluid under control so she can breathe. We are also going to add immodium to help control the diarrhea a little bit more. We are hoping that will help her so she won't have to get up to the bathroom so much. Bathroom trips take so much out of her. I had to give her a sponge bath today as well. She was too weak and out of breath to even consider sitting in the shower on her chair. It isn't her favorite thing, and it still zapped her energy, but it was easier. Every little bit of comfort we can give, we try to give.

I can't express my gratitude to my Heavenly Father for this day. We were blessed, in many ways. I know we will continue to move forward with faith. I know we will survive!!!!

Thursday February 25, 2010

2010-02-25T22:17:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the lack of blog last night. It was not a good night. Between Ashley feeling so poorly and myself feeling extremely tired, I didn't feel like writing. Night time is never restful anymore. It looks like we may need to add a dose of lasix in the nighttime, especially if Ashley's breathing continues to become increasingly difficult. That will mean more ups and downs in the night time. I have no problem with that. But I do worry how hard it would be on Ashley. She is so weak and out of breath, getting out of bed is a huge issue. She will sit up, have to catch her breath, then pain-stakingly climb off the bed to the bedside toilet. She has to catch her breath again. Then getting off the toilet and back into bed takes her breath away again. It is literally all she can do to get up to the bathroom. The more she goes, the harder it is going to become. Lots of praying to do over all this!!!! Praying, fasting, praying, fasting........

Today felt more comfortable to me. Ashley slept most of the day. She woke up, took her meds, tried to eat, then fell asleep for a while. Then she was awake, then back to sleep. It was like that all day long. I haven't seen her sleep so much in a long, long time. The sleeping part is a blessing. When she is sleeping, she is at peace. The pain, the aches, the misery, for just a short time, seem to be at bay. As soon as she wakes, she is miserable and emotional, but to see her resting comfortably, is truly an answer to prayers. The part that was hard today was watching her breathe. When she inhaled, her whole body would shake. I could see she was working hard. Her respirations have increased lately, but today, she was breathing harder than she ever has. As I sat by her, her heart, at times, would beat so furiously, I could feel the vibrations rip through her body. It was scary!! I was so terrified her heart would stop!!!

The other worrisome part was her color. She was extremely dusky and pale all day long. When Jason came home from work, that was the first comment he made, how awful she looked. Her face was more swollen, but it was the color he noticed. I know her oxygen levels are falling. That part is obvious. But we haven't seen her look so pale in a very long time. Not since she had the really bad arrythmia so long ago.

I don't know what else to write tonight. The trial continues. The pain grows. The suffering is never-ending. I have no idea what the next few days will bring to us. I hope and pray, I pray continually, that no matter what happens, we will be able to keep moving forward. Thanks again to everyone for your faith, for your prayers, for your words of encouragement. At times, I don't know how I am ever going to deal with what is to come. It seems so hard. It seems so impossible to survive. But then I am reminded I am not alone. Heavenly Father would NOT give us anything we can't handle. I know we will be blessed. I know soon my angel will be at peace. How she deserves that peace!!!!!! How I pray she will soon be free from her heavy burdens!! It is so difficult to watch her suffer so!!! Lots of faith and prayers at yet needed!!!!

Tuesday February 23, 2010

2010-02-23T22:22:00.000-07:00

"No matter how dark the day, the sun will always find a place to shine." I have no idea where I first saw that quote, but it has stuck with me for many years. It is a good reminder that no matter how bad a day seems, there will always be something good. Sometimes you have to look, and look very hard to see the sunshine. But it will always be there. We had to look for sunshine today.

Last night was not restful. Ashley was up and down several times. When she was up at 3:30, she was in pain and fought with diarrhea. I gave her some more medicine, but it took a while before both she and I fell back to sleep. With a lack of sleep once again, we were both feeling a little ragged this morning. Once I get going, I am fine. But poor Ashley was bone weary. She was only up for an hour before she fell back to sleep.

Her appetite was almost non-existant all day long. She attempted to eat this morning, and then again at lunchtime, but food did not agree with her. She ended up feeling very sick to her stomach. Tonight she had no desire to eat at all.

Her legs were awful today as well. They hurt terribly when she has to get up. They hurt when she lies back down. They hurt to move around on the bed. It seems like everything bothers her poor legs. I am so grateful for her pain medications. They offer some relief, and they help her sleep. I have no idea what I would do if I didn't have anything to offer to help ease the pain. I would be in absolute despair!!!!!

Tonight was very quiet. Ashley slept off and on all evening long. She didn't talk. She didn't smile. She didn't do anything but sleep. For a short time, she was at peace. What a wonderful blessing it was to see her relax. It was not a comfortable day for her. Both Jason and I felt on edge. It is so draining to watch her day after day. We have no idea what to expect. We have no idea how long she will be with us. She gets sicker with each passing day. Her suffering is great. At times, our situation over whelms us in every way. We get discouraged. I know Ashley is discouraged. That is when you have to look for the good. We can't sit around crying. We can't let this situation get the best of us. When Jason and I are upset, so is our angel. She can't stand to see us upset because of her illness. What good would it do us anyway to sit around moping and boobing? She is still here and I want every moment with her to be the best it can be. When you focus on the positive, soon your problems don't seem so big anymore. Couple that with faith and prayer, and nothing can get you down. I know Heavenly Father will continue to bless and strengthen all of us.

Monday February 22. 2010

2010-02-22T22:00:00.000-07:00

Happy happy birthday to my wonderful sister!! I know I already wished you a happy birthday, but I do hope your day was wonderful!!! (0: This particular sister is a beloved aunt and an amazing person. We are all so thankful for our Tammy!!

Last night was a slightly better night. Ashley was awake three times, but was thankfully able to fall back to sleep without much difficulty. I did give her some medicine at 3:00, and she was able to go until 9:00 without more medicine.

When she woke, her body hurt. She was exhausted. Her belly was a little more settled, and she wanted to eat. Of course, she is never able to eat much. But at least she tried. After she ate, she was so sleepy, she crashed for a short time, until Nancy came. My biggest concern right now is the shortness of breath. It gets worse and worse every day. I was concerned that we might need to max out all the doses of lasix. Nancy felt like instead of going up on the lasix, we need to use ativan and occasionally morphine to help her breathing feel easier. The fact is, Ashley's heart is functioning so poorly, she will lose her breath. Thus, even sitting up in bed, or taking three steps to the bedside commode, completely wear her out. Ativan does help her relax. I am so thankful there is something that might offer her even the slightest relief.

This afternoon was hard. When the boys came home from school, they were rowdy and loud. They did go outside for a little bit. Thank goodness for sunshine! (0: But then they came back in and Austin and Preston started fighting. I was outside, working in the back yard, and didn't realize they were as loud as what they were. Ashley got very upset and started sobbing. Jason was upstairs, and came down to help out. It took us a while to calm her down. She can't handle anything loud. All of her senses are in over-drive. It is awful for her! And she always feels so bad when she gets upset. She doesn't want to get anyone in trouble or be a burden in any way. Bless her heart!!

My darling Jason ended up taking the boys back to the school for a while. He even took them to the store so they could use some of their Christmas money to buy a little something special. They love their dad!! He was a lifesaver tonight. While they were gone, Ashley was able to rest and calm down. Her heart was pounding. Any time she is upset, her heart freaks out. It was such a relief to see her breathing slow and feel her heart stop beating so furiously.

I found out today that my dad is having problems with his heart. The doctor told him it is fluttering and that he needs to have his heart shocked to help it go back into a normal rhythm. My parents will need to go to a cardiologist in Pocatello for further consultation. We were laughing because my dad joked about he and Ashley having "twin" problems. She smiled at that. How she loves her grandpa!! It was kind of special to have a connection with him, although she wouldn't want him to be sick like she is. The smile was nice. I think that was one of the only smiles I saw today. She always looks so sad. We will all continue to pray for my wonderful father. I know Ashley was deeply concerned about him. We all were. I hope he will feel better soon.

I have to send out a few special thank you's once again. There are so many wonderful people who have blessed our family once again. I want to thank my Aunt Peg and Uncle Jim for the beautiful flowers that arrived today. The whole bouquet was so lovely and happy. It brightened Ashley's dreary day right up!! I wanted to thank the Moyes family, and especially Olivia, who made Ashley a very special pillow. It was darling gift, and Ashley was deeply touched you thought of her. Thank you!! And to my wonderful neighbors who left a note in our mailbox this morning. Ashley loves you. It was so thoughtful to let us know, your prayers are with us too. I am so grateful for every prayer!! Prayer is what gets us through each and every day. What a blessing to have such special friends and neighbors!!! Love you all!!

Well, I better go take care of my angel. I wish everyone a heart full of peace tonight!!

Sunday February 21, 2010

2010-02-21T21:55:00.000-07:00

Last night was not a good night. Ashley was feeling very poorly at bedtime, and she needed my exclusive attention. I felt pretty rotten myself. I had a headache from Hades, so I didn't want to blog. There wasn't much positive to say anyway. It felt good to put it aside for a little while.

Neither Ashley or myself slept worth a darn last night. Lately, I wake up several times in the night. I know Jason does that all the time. I have no idea how he runs on so little sleep. He seems to handle it, but it kills me when I don't get enough sleep. When I woke up this morning, I felt like I had been run over by a truck. It was the third night in a row with very little sleep, and I was feeling it. Ashley felt it too. She was so tired and her body was hurting and she couldn't breathe. The breathing is getting harder every day. I was so hoping she wouldn't have to deal with that. Unfortunately, that isn't the case. I got her meds down as quickly as I could. She couldn't have any more ativan at that time. I gave her a dose at 6:00, along with her pain medication so she could attempt to fall back to sleep. Then it was hurry hurry to get the boys ready for church. Jason took them today. YEA!! (0: Because I slept in so late, (I didn't get up until almost 8:20), they didn't make sacrament meeting, but they did make everything else. Today I felt envious. I needed the spiritual refill. I miss being at church!! I miss the people. I miss the uplift. I miss the sacrament. I miss everything! It has been a while now since I have been able to attend. I was so proud of Jason for going. He is normally the one who stays with Ashley, so it is different to be the one who goes. But I know they all reaped many blessings for making it to church. (0:

While they were gone, Ashley was finally able to take some more pain meds. She was thankfully able to rest for a while after that. It gave me enough time to take a shower and clean up, prepare dinner, read my scriptures, pray, and read my Gospel Principles lesson for the day. I have to pat myself on the back for that because lately I haven't read much. I feel such a huge difference when I read from the scriptures. HUGE!! My cup is refilled. I feel the Holy Ghost fill my heart. I need that peace so desperately right now. There is so little that makes me happy these days, that gives me peace.

Ashley woke up right as our men came home from church. She was still pretty miserable, and wanted to take a bath. We decided, due to her lack of strength and how out of breath she already was, to put her potty seat into the bathtub and have her sit and shower instead of trying to get her in and out of the tub. It is a little easier that way. She still struggled tremendously to get from the wheelchair into the shower and from the shower back into the wheelchair. Then she had to sit for almost ten minutes in the wheelchair before she had the strength to get back into bed. Then of course, she fell asleep as soon as I helped her get dressed.

We let her sleep for a few minutes while Jason and I finished getting dinner on the table. Ashley woke up right as we started eating and wanted to try some potatoes. I was thrilled she wanted to eat. Jason helped me clean up, and then I came in to lay by Ashley for a while. I should have slept, but Ashley and I ended up watching Starstruck on Disney. I did close my eyes for a little bit when the movie ended, but that was short lived. Ashley by that time, was struggling again and needed medicine and to go to the bathroom. Jason was so helpful this afternoon though. The boys were hyper all afternoon. They were driving us crazy! We sent them outside, but they didn't stay out for long. Jason wanted me to be able to rest so he took them to the school for a while. Bless his heart! He was tired too, but I was so thankful for the quiet time. I hope I returned the favor a little bit tonight. I tried to run interference so he could have Jason time too. We have to keep spelling each other off or we won't make it. I think he does way better than I do. He is such a sweetheart!!! (0:

Ashley continued to have a rough night. When I tried to help her to the bathroom a while ago, she was so weak, she got stuck halfway on and halfway off the bed. She wasn't strong enough to push herself up and I couldn't get her up. Her legs hurt too bad to get down too. She couldn't move them. When I tried to lift her her, she would cry out in pain. It was just horrible!! She was upset! I was upset!! I was about to call Jason for help, but she was finally able to get her leg to move backward enough she could get off the bed. Then I helped her up again. That took all her air and then she couldn't breathe. She turned absolutely blue! I thought she was going to pass out! It scared the tar out of me!! She is still panting now and that happened over an hour ago. Thankfully, it was time for ativan, so I gave her a huge dose. Ativan does calm her so she feels like she can breathe better. What a blessing to have something!! I can't bear to watch her struggle like that. Brings back way to many memories from when she was little. I do hope tonight will be a better night for all of us. We are all feeling weary to the bone.

I am going to shoot Dr. Etheridge an email tonight to ask her what we can do when we max out Ashley's lasix. I have a feeling that is going to happen very soon. The breathing is a huge issue. She can't breathe, and I don't know what we can do when we can't give her any more lasix. It is frightening in every way!! I don't want her to die like that!! I have prayed over and over again that if it is God's will, she will be able to die peacefully, not struggling for every breath. I can't bear that!! I CAN'T! But it isn't in our hands. I do know, Ashley has angels watching over her. I know that. I feel that. If she is given that burden, she will also be given a way to bear it. And we will too. I can't imagine how I can watch that, but if we have to, we will be given the strength to do so. Please, keep praying for us!!! I know Heavenly Father hears every prayer. He will help us. He will help anyone who reaches out to Him in their time of need. (0: Keep up the faith everyone!

Friday February 19, 2010

2010-02-19T22:34:00.000-07:00

Tonight will be a very short entry. Ashley has been very ill all night long, and she needs her mom. It was not a good day. Ashley continued to decline. Her breathing was awful when she woke this morning. I could hear congestion in her chest. After she took her morning dose of lasix, she felt slightly better. Her breathing eased a bit. When Nancy came, she felt like Ashley was still working enough to breathe, she needed another small dose of lasix, which I promptly gave her. After talking, we decided the lasix dose needs to be increased, especially at bedtime. So now, I will give her 2.5 mL morning and afternoon, and 3.0 mL in the evening. We also decided to increase her ativan and hydrocodone, giving her the biggest hit at bedtime. The hope is to help her sleep more restfully through the night. Last night Ashley woke in horrible pain. I had to give her pain medicine to help her get through the night. Her legs are so bad! I don't know what to do to help her. The pain medication only helps a little. Every time she gets up, her legs ache so much, she will get back into bed and cry. Heat doesn't help. Ice doesn't help. Massaging them doesn't help. I can't think of anything worse than never-ending pain. If she continues to be in pain, Nancy told me to increase every dose of hydrocodone to 6 mL, versus giving her that dose only at bedtime. I can also add morphine, which Ashley doesn't want. It makes her so sick to her stomach. She doesn't need that right now at all!! It is so discouraging to watch her suffer so!!!

Tonight Ashley went into another arrythmia. She got up to use the bathroom, and upon getting back into bed, she turned absolutely blue. I could see her panting, so I asked her if she was alright. It is normal for her to catch her breath, but I could see she was really struggling. I felt her heart and it was going fast, then pausing, then going fast, then skipping and pausing again. It was beating so furiously, I could see her chest jump with each beat. It was scary! I gave her ativan to help calm her, and then sat by her while Jason, bless his heart, finished scripture and prayer with the boys and helped them to bed. That was all she wanted. To be held.

When Jason came in to the bedroom, she asked him for a blessing. At that point, she was still panting and very upset. Jason always gives such beautiful blessings!! Tonight was no exception. As soon as the blessing was finished, Ashley relaxed. Her heart stopped jumping. She was able to catch her breath. I could feel peace fill the room. It was a miracle. I have no doubt, Heavenly Father is watching over our angel. He loves her. He knows her every pain. He is so proud of her, and as long as she is with us, He will lift her burdens.

Thursday February 18, 2010

2010-02-18T22:36:00.000-07:00

I can't believe in only a week February will be over. Wow! It seems like yesterday it was the beginning of a new year, and now we are only a few short weeks away from spring break. How time flies when you are having fun! Of course, "fun" is not the word I would use for our situation. Nothing is fun. It is about survival. That is what we do. We survive from day to day, from hour to hour, and at times, from minute to minute.

Today was one of those days. When Ashley woke up this morning, her entire body was a mass of aches and pains. She had lots of swelling in her back. The swelling was so bad, she felt like she had a big lump. It was horrible! She was working to breathe, and after struggling to get out of bed to the bathroom, she had a complete meltdown! Thank goodness for pain and anxiety medications. I gave her a big dose of both, and in a short time, she was able to fall asleep. I can't tell you how relieved I was to see her relax and rest. What a blessing!!

Throughout the rest of the day, Ashley was miserable. Her legs grow worse every day. This evening, she could barely stand on them. I had to hold her up. The weakness is one thing, but when they hurt her so badly, that is another problem altogether. After she stands on them for even a couple of minutes, they ache and pain her so much, she will sit and sob. I wish she didn't have to use them at all, but how else can she get up to the bathroom? I suggested we move her bedside toilet right next to the bed, but that upset her. She didn't want to do that. But we may not have a choice. If it keeps her from using her legs, I think it would be beneficial.

Eating was a complete bust. Ashley's poor stomach hurt for most of the day. She tried to eat a couple of times, but found the food did not agree with her. I do hope tomorrow she might be able to get a little something down. I always worry all the medications she takes will upset an empty tummy more than a full one.

Our angel is so ready to return to her Heavenly Father. Her suffering grows more intense every day. She has been so brave! I couldn't be more proud of her!! I know she feels like she isn't enduring this trial so well. Bless her heart!! But she is. She is so strong. I do hope she won't have to suffer much longer.