Friday December 9, 2010

I should be at school right now, teaching my students, but Spencer is sick today so I am home. I haven't blogged in a very long time. Between school, work, calling, and family, there hasn't been much time for writing. I wanted to share some of the wonderful blessings that have come to our family over the past couple of weeks. It has been amazing!

First, I have been struggling with depression. Most people would never know how hard I struggle with that. I put on a pretty good front. But since we moved to Logan, I have had many days when I get so down, all I can do is cry. I doubt myself and my ability as a mom, friend, and teacher. I know a huge part of my struggle comes from missing my Ashley. The hole is so big. I never know what will make it start to hurt. It might be a song on a radio. It might be seeing a mother with her daughter. It might be a smell, or a picture, or a show on TV. When it hurts, it hurts. Right before Thanksgiving, I was struggling really bad. I thought a lot about where we were last year on the holidays. At that point, Ashley was very ill. We had pulled out her PICC line, and we knew she was going to die. I was praying so hard she would live through Christmas. I struggle with Christmas time anyway, but having her die then would make it difficult forever. We were so blessed to have her with us way beyond Christmas. But reading back over where we were then filled me with painful memories. It was so hard to watch my angel slowly fade away. The Saturday after Thanksgiving, I was sitting in a dance performance, watching my beautiful niece perform, and I was overcome with the loss of my little girl. She loved to dance, but she never had the energy or the oxygen level, to do it. I couldn't shake that heaviness in my heart. It was like a ten ton rock was plunked on my chest. I couldn't face Christmas. Normally, right after Thanksgiving, we put up our Christmas decorations. But I couldn't even look at the boxes. Everytime I did, I would break down crying. I was trying to beat my sadness but it seemed no matter what I did, my heart remained heavy. I new I had to face Christmas. My other children needed me to get out of this hole I was in. Finally, one night, when I was at the lowest of the low, , I asked my sweet husband for a blessing. I couldn't shake the sadness. It was consuming every aspect of my life. In that blessing, he promised me Heavenly Father would strengthen and comfort me. He told me I would be blessed to carry on. And from that moment forward, my burdens were lifted off my shoulders. I was able to fight the depression. I faced my Christmas decorations. (0: I cried when we put up Ashley's special Christmas tree given to her by my amazing aunt and her two wonderful daughters. I know Ashley is watching over us. I know she knows I think of her every day, and I haven't forgotten her. She will be near through this Christmas season.

Since that night, my life has taken a 360 degree turn. It isn't that my heart isn't aching or that I don't cry in the night, but now I know I can survive. I can face each day and I am not alone. Heavenly Father is with me every awful step of the way. I can tell Him anything, and He will comfort me and help me. I know we can get through every awful trial in our lives. We aren't the first family to lose a child, and we won't be the last. But to all out there who grieve, or who think they aren't important, I am here to tell you, you are!! When you think you can't take another step, or life is going to consume you, pray. The comfort and assurance will come. It has come to me, and I know I am important. I know I can contribute something, small as it may be, to this world and to my family. I know even with an aching heart, I can be happy. I have so much to be thankful for. How wonderful it is to know we have a loving Father in Heaven who is always there for us. May everyone have a wonderful weekend, full of peace.

Sunday October 17, 2010

Perhaps I shouldn't write today. I am not feeling very "up". It wasn't that today hasn't been good. Church was wonderful!! It seems like I always hear what I need. Today was no exception. I guess part of my despair comes from thinking about all the things in my life right now. I really LOVE my job at the school. I love working with kids. I love being in school. My classes this semester are interesting and challenging at the same time. The part that makes me happy is that I know I am studying for the career I desire. Now that my kids are growing up, I am so ready to have a career. It has given me a new purpose to be pursuing that goal. It is the right path for me to take. I just wish everything else in my life made more sense. I guess challenges never stop, and that is part of life. I once heard someone say that when you have trials, you know you are loved. I guess I am really loved right now! (0:

So to list all the challenges, well first of all, AUSTIN! (0: My poor son! He is a great kid, but he is struggling. I feel completely responsible for his troubles. I chose to stop his ADHD medication in the summertime. I was sick and tired of the stupid side effects, (like staying awake all night!) I tried to get the medication lady in Nampa to change his medicine, but she led me to believe we didn't have other options. So I just pulled the dang drugs. He did sleep better. But, with all the changes in our household, (moving), his behavior escalated again. By the time we got to Logan, he was driving me nuts. I was hoping with school starting, and his days becoming more structured once again, he might be alright. I had a long talk with his teacher, and she assured me if she felt he needed his medication, she would let me know. Well, time went on and the reports I got from her were alright. She never once said she thought he needed medication. She did tell me he was struggling, wanting to be out of class. I could see he was unhappy, so we got the school counselor involved. I thought he might need some additional help dealing with Ashley's death. I know it has been harder for me over the past couple of months. The counselor, after he and I talked, suggested Austin might benefit from medication. Again, it was only a suggestion. Jason and I talked and decided medication would be helpful. I took him to the doctor and got him on a new, non-stimlant medication. Well, come to find out last week, when we saw the counselor, his teacher was actually having a horrible time with Austin. She told the counselor Austin was rude and disruptive. I could feel the frustration she had. I never heard a work of this!! I about died!! Why didn't she tell me?? Am I that horrible of a person?? That was the first thing I thought. This new medication isn't working well. But I dont' know what option we have. It is a frustrating and discouraging situation. I want Austin to be happy. I want him to love who he is, and to embrace his challenges. He isn't happy, and I know he isn't enjoying school. I am praying constantly we find a remedy to this situation.

Okay, so besides Austin, there is my stupid head! You would think it would get better. But NO! It is getting worse again. I feel off balance every day. I have dizzy spells every day. Some days, it is all I can do to get through one day, with work and studying and taking care of my family. I get exhausted! I know exercise would benefit me, but I don't feel good enough to do that. I need to see a doctor, but I dont' want to. Honestly, I am scared. I don't want to go through a battery of tests just to have them tell me I am fine. That is always what happens to me. I HATE HATE HATE feeling like this. I see so many others happily going through their lives, healthy as a bird. Then here comes Connie. I don't feel good. When I don't, I get so depressed. I want to be healthy. I need to be able to take my kids places, and be the active, busy mom they deserve. I don't feel good enough to take them places, let alone on long drives, exploring and such. Driving for me is a constant challenge. I never know if I will be dizzy or not. YUCK!! Yes, I am praying, hard, for help in this matter.

Of course, I miss my daughter. I don't think anyone realizes how much I miss her, how much my heart aches every day. It is a constant struggle. I dread the coming of the holiday season. I am already hurting so much. How can I face two huge holidays without my angel? I cry every time I think about it. I hope I dont' sound ungrateful. Honestly, I know how blessed I am. I thank Heavenly Father every chance I get for all the good things in my life. I love our home. I love my job. I love being in college. I have the most amazing boys ever!! And I love them all with every fiber of my being. I have a super husband, who is a great support and comfort to me. I have loads to be thankful for. I am just in a rut right now. All I want is a normal life without complications! Ha ha ha! It won't happen for the Winn family, so I am going to keep on making the best of it!

Sorry, today I am nothing but a big booby head! I really didn't have a bad week. Despite being sick and all, there were so many wonderful things that happened. I survived it all, and this week won't be as bad. Today I just plain out miss my angel girl. I have no idea why I am such a mess. but I am. I haven't been able to do anything but cry. As I sat in church, that feeling of aloneness overwhelmed me. These people here are amazing. Really, they are, but I don't have any close friends yet. I feel very alone. I know with time, that situation will remedy itself. I just don't know anyone well yet.

Jason has been a mess over the past few days. He is not happy. He doesn't like his new job. He isn't selling like he wants to. His back has been paining him. His self-esteem is in the gutter. When he gets like this, he becomes, pardon the term, like an icy, cold robot. He doesn't speak or smile. He hides out in his office. He doesn't want any interaction with anyone. There are no warm vibes coming from him. I know I haven't been meeting his needs lately. I am not sure I ever meet his needs. But with him like he is, I can't talk to him. I knew from the get go he wouldn't go to church today. I had no problem with him staying home. But today, I really needed him with me. PLEASE don't take me wrong, I love Jason with all my heart!! He is a WONDERFUL man, in every way. However, he has skeletons from his past that have seriously damaged him as an adult. He is very insecure. There isn't one day that he doesn't think I am going to divorce him. He makes comments all the time like, "You love me, for now." or "You are with me, but someday you will find a better man." He can't trust in a lasting relationship. He also completely shuts down emotionally. That is his defense. When things hurt too much, he shuts then off, puts them somewhere he doesn't have to feel them. I watched him do that after Ashley died. He is most certainly doing it again now. I have to work so hard to break down the walls and find a way to get inside. Most of the time, I fail. I can't get to him. I think that is one of the biggest driving forces to me studying psychology. I know it will help me with Jason. He has so much hurt locked inside. It is so unhealthy for him! I am hoping someday I will be able to get him the help that I know he needs, so he can feel emotions again. The Jason tangent is just one of my concerns. Please, PLEASE don't anyone ever say anything about this to him. If he knew I was venting on the blog, he would KILL me. I just hope a small explaination of things will help other understand him a little better. At first, one might take him as standoffish. But it is just his defenses. He isn't really like that.

Okay, so back to the issue at hand. I miss my girl. I miss her smile. I miss her laugh. I miss her sweet, loving, compassionate nature. I miss buying her clothes. I miss putting on jam music and watching her wiggle her little, non-existent bum. I miss the special bond I had with her. I couldn't help reflecting back on a conversation she and I had not too long before she died. We were talking and reading about the spirit world and how wonderful it would be for her. She would finally be free from all her worldly cares and pains. Her comment back to me,"It isn't fair mommy that I will be in heaven and be so happy and you have to be stuck here on earth!" She was such a sweetheart!! It was always about others, even at the very hour of her emminent death, she was more concerned with my comfort than with her own pain. I would give anything to hold her in my arms for even five minutes! Today my entire body hurts from head to toe I miss her so badly!

Right now, Austin and Preston aren't helping matters. They are constantly quarrleing and disobeying me. No matter how I treat them, what tone I use to talk to them, they push me to the limits. I know Austin needs his ADHD medication again. He can't think at all. He is struggling so much! I feel horrible about it. It is my fault he is such a mess. I chose to stop his former medication. Instead of consulting with the medication lady, I made my own decision. Part of the reason I did was because I disliked her so much! She was always so mean and critical to me. When I suggested a change of medication previously, because of the side effects Austin was having, she told me it was my fault Austin was awake so late at night. She said I was letting him sleep too long. It wasn't the medicine at all. It was me. If I woke him up at 7:00 every morning, despite him being awake until 3:00, he would go to bed ontime. I am not kidding! She basically told me we had exhausted every medication option. I felt trapped in the situation. It was such a relief to have Austin finally be able to go to sleep by 10:00 at night. Once we stopped the meds, the dizzy spells and headaches and stomach problems and sleeping problems stopped. Of course now, even though those side effects are gone, he is impulsive all over again. We have a whole new pit of problems. He isn't happy. I met with the school counselor at Woodruff on Friday to discuss Austin with him. He is going to start working with Austin at school. He also gave me the names of doctors who deal with ADHD kids so we can re-start Austin's meds. I just want my son to be happy and tolerable! I am sure we will get there.

Spencer is just a sweet, kind soul. I am so thankful he was given to me. He is just like Ashley. Same temperment. Same compassion and selflessness. He is the one who makes me feel like I am acutally doing something right as a mom. The other boys: well, perhaps if I fast and pray every day until they go on their missions, they will be alright! Ha ha ha! No, I think they will be alright. I have to be constantly vigilant about teaching them between right and wrong. And love them unconditionally. Hopefully, some little thread of truth will be implanted in their souls.

So it is all a mishmash in my head. Jason. Austin. Preston. Spencer. Work. School. Ashley. Challenges make us strong, right!!!! (0: Shedding tears isn't bad. Feeling like a failure is common. Husbands being reclusive can be normal. Just got to remember the eternal perspective. I am so grateful I understand it now. I am so grateful for everyting I have learned over the past year, for how precious the gospel of Jesus Christ is to me. I will survive! One footstep at a time.

Friday September 10, 2010

Wow! What a week the past one has been! Last weekend, I took the boys and made the trek to Nampa for my nephew's baptism. Poor Jason had to work. I always hate traveling without him. He is my rock, keeps me sane. (0: What a miracle Zack's baptism was for all of us. Not long ago, my wonderful brother in law, Kris, wasn't too hip on the church. But with recent events, namely the passing of our angel, his heart was touched in a way we never dreamed possible. Now he is going to church. He received the priesthood, and will be ordained an elder in a couple of weeks at stake conference. Amy and Kris have also set their endowment date and will be sealed in the Logan temple on November 6. What miracles our family is witnessing! Included in those miracles is Kris's kidney transplant, in which he had a horrid battle with rejection. He continues to be alright, despite factors that doctors say point to continued rejection. It was such a blessing to witness him baptize his son. Following that baptism, Kris also ordained my other nephew, Kasey, to the office of a deacon. We all felt the spirit. I know Ashley was there. I felt her. She was so proud of her Uncle Albert!! I can't wait to be with my family once again, in the temple, witnessing the sealing of my beloved sister and her wonderful husband! (0: Isn't the gospel so great!!!!!!!!

Well, despite the wonderful weekend, I came home and got sick. The interesting part was, so did two of my sisters and my nephew. We all got a sore throat, cold, cough virus. YUCK! I actually thought I had strep throat, my throat hurt so badly! Now we are all wondering where the stupid sickness came from. We did all eat in Applebees following the baptism. Perhaps we picked it up there. Who knows! I am just thankful no one else got sick.

I am throughly loving my job at Woodruff Elementary. I don't have my set power hour groups yet, but I have been able to spend time in kindergarten, second grade, and third grade. My favorite has been third by far. I think I enjoy it the most because I get to do more teaching with that group. The teacher has given me the entire class three times now. The first time was super scary. I haven't been in front of a group of kids for a very long time. But soon the nerves melted and I relaxed and enjoyed the experience. I have to say, I LOVE teaching! I am not sure I will be the best at it, but I love being with kids and helping them to learn. I find myself cheering them on when they do the smallest things right. It is fun! It will be better once I have my set groups and can teach every day. I know it will be lots of work. We have to prepare the materials to be taught. But what great experience for me! I need all the help I can get!

My USU classes are lots of work. I had forgotten how hard college can be. This week has especially kicked my fanny end! I had two tests and a big paper and lots of reading and so on and so on. I spent hours studying, but thankfully I got it all done. Being sick, it wasn't easy, but I prayed so hard I would be able to survive. I could never have done it without Jason. He has been so helpful and supportive. He did dishes. He helped boys with homework. He fixed dinner. He got me breakfast. I have the bestest husband in the whole wide world!! I could never do all this without him. NEVER! I love him with all my heart. He isn't very happy at his new job. Bless his heart! I wish there was more I could do for him. Here I am, enjoying all these new ventures and poor Jason isn't enjoying his as much. The one thing I do know, beyond all doubt, we are supposed to be in Logan Utah. I feel it through my entire body. Visiting Nampa last weekend only confirmed Logan is the place for us.

I am so thankful for all the blessings in my life! I miss my angel every day. I so wish I still had her here with me, but I know she is ever near, watching over her family.

Sunday August 29, 2010

Today we had the opportunity of speaking in sacrament meeting. They asked our entire family to speak. Jason and I were so proud of the boys. They each stood so confidently, and talked with clarity and expression. It was awesome! I was blessed to speak on family unity. It was the perfect topic for me. We have been struggling with harmony in our home. The boys, meaning Austin and Preston, argue and fight a lot. They haven't been respectful to me. It hurts so much to have them act this way. I am sure they are still adjusting to all the changes. Austin may be struggling with his ADHD. We may yet have to medicate him. He struggled terribly on the medication, I don't want to medicate him again if possible. But if he continues to struggle with his choices, and acts impulsively, we may have no choice. Just last week, he got in trouble for lingering in the bathroom after his specials at school. He got caught for trying to sneak off the school grounds. He shot out one of the windows with Jason's BB gun, only one day after receiving it for his birthday. We are concerned about our son. We love him so much, and I don't want him to go back to where he was before we started counseling and medication. It is a matter to pray about. I want to do the right thing for him, for all my boys. I need them to be unified. I am working at the school in the mornings, and tomorrow I begin my classes at USU. My schedule is going to be hectic. I need our family to be a team so I can do all that I need to do. Tonight I want to present a family home evening on that very subject. I want to talk about what I need them to do while I am in school. I know I am supposed to be in school, and I know with Heavenly Father's help, we will find a way to work through this as a family.

It is hard. I haven't felt good this week. I have had more headaches and dizzy spells. One happened while I was in the temple. I was so worried I wouldn't make it through the session. But miraculously, I did. I decided to fill my prescription and take it. My sinuses have been horrible, so perhaps they are causing the flair up in the dizziness. Thank goodness I have been able to work at the school despite my feeling so sick. I love being at the school, with the other aides. It gives me purpose. I feel like for once in my life, I can contribute something valuable to others. I have already learned several things that I know will help me be a better teacher someday. I pray every day my body will hold together for the things I want to do. I don't know what is up with my stupid body. There is definitely a problem, but finding it is another story. At this point, I am going to let things go until I can't stand them anymore. I guess if the dizziness gets worse, I may have to face it. I have lived with it for so long, a few more months won't matter. (0:

Well, better go rest for a bit. I wish everyone a beautiful, peaceful Sunday!! (0: I know I have peace, and I pray everyone else will too.

Monday August 23, 2010

Wow! I think it has been forever since I last updated this blog. I am delighted to report the Winn family is now happily settled in Logan, Utah!! YEA!!!! Moving here proved to be a huge challenge, but we lept over the hurdles and here we are!! (0: The house we moved in is wonderful. I will have to post pictures of the house so everyone can see. We were so blessed to find this home. It is everything we could have wanted and more. The back yard is a little boy's dream. We have bugs of all kinds, as well as snakes and frogs. There are chickens to the north of our property. The boys love to catch grasshoppers and feed them to the chickens through the fence. The dogs have tons of room to run around. We have super awesome neighbors. We have never received such a gracious welcome in our lives. I think we received five plates of cookies and three loaves of bread. Everyone is friendly and helpful. I feel like I am in heaven. I didn't expect to feel so loved right off the bat, but we have been, in every way.

Our ward is also heaven sent!! It is not a huge ward, and everyone is very close knit. I am so grateful for that! Our ward in Rupert was just like this ward. We loved our Rupert ward! What a blessing to land where we are needed and wanted! We have been received with open arms and I can't wait for the chance to serve alongside these celestial people.

The boys started school at Woodruff Elementary last Wednesday. Their teachers are all simply amazing: kind and funny and caring. We do have to start an hour earlier than last year, but the boys have been troopers. They go to bed well, and we have had no problems getting them up in the morning. I was worried about Austin. He struggles so much with mornings, but he is the earliest riser. He gets ready without any reminding. It is amazing!! (0:

I have been additionally blessed. I absolutely know Logan is where our family is supposed to be. When we first moved to Logan, I thought I would need help getting into school. We did not qualify for residency in Utah. Therefore, the tuition was so steep! We had an offer to help us with the extra cost, but I was hoping, someway, somehow, we would find a way to avoid the cost. And it happened! I ended up changing my class schedule. The classes I had origianlly wanted to take became available, but only online. So this semester, I enrolled through distance education. Well, little did I know, when you register through distance education, the out of state tuition is automatically waved. Therefore, the financial aid I received was more than enough to cover the cost of tuition and books. Instead of a big financial burden, we now have money in our pockets, which will help us through the coming months. Now if that isn't a blessing, I don't know what is!!!!

I also found out the school district is hiring part-time teacher aides. Desiring experience, and a little extra cash flow, I applied and was hired at the same school my boys attend. The job is only 3.5 hours a day, and I will be working with small groups of kids, helping them with reading and math activities in three different grade levels. I am stoked!!!! I start training this coming Wednesday. I can't wait! I need time away from home, where I am interacting with other people and the children I love. I am finding that with the boys off to school, and Jason at work, I get very lonely and unhappy. I miss Ashley terribly! I don't like to have too much time on my hands. I also feel working three hours a day will help me be more focused on my online courses. Studying at home is not my first choice, so I want to make sure I am organized and disciplined and take the time needed to succeed in my classes.

We have also been blessed to spend time with my older sister. Dawn and I were always close growing up. She is only 18 months older than I am. We haven't lived by one another since we were in college. It is wonderful to get to spend time with her now. Her family likes to go lots of places. My family isn't used to that. We never were able to go on outings, especially over the past couple of years. Ashley was too sick, and we never wanted her to feel bad she couldn't go. Since moving here, we have been blessed to go swimming, hiking, walking, etc. Just last Saturday, we were able to go to Bear Lake with Dawn and my other sister, Tammy. It was a blast!

I have so much more to write. My heart is full to the brim with feelings of gratitude for all that has been given to our family. The blessings have been poured upon our heads. It is awesome!! I know Heavenly Father is guiding and directing our family. I know we are in the right place. There is a work for our family to perform. Although we can't have our angel with us, I feel her near. I miss her every second of every day. There will always be a huge hole in my heart!!! But Heavenly Father is there, watching over us, helping us through each day.

Friday July 23, 2010

Boy has it been a long time since I last wrote. I need to catch up. So many new things have happened to our family. The last time I wrote, I was feeling a little better about the upcoming changes. I know Logan is where we are supposed to be. Since the last entry, Jason went to Denver and began his training with Verizon. I figured out my class schedule and am thrilled to get back into school. We found out the home we are moving to is in a very wonderful ward. My older sister works with our bishop. Dawn is also friends with one of our neighbors whose husband is in the bishop brick. They are asking about our family, and eager to help us settle in. I feel peaceful in every way about this move. The packing is going well. I feel like we have successfully purged our home of unwanted things. I have discovered how much I don't like clutter, and how good I am at throwing things away. (0: I am very excited for the coming future.

Jason left on July 6 for Denver. I wasn't happy to see him go. He and I have throughly enjoyed our time together over the past three months. In a way, it was like a dating all over again. We found a new connection in our marriage. Jason spent lots of time with the boys. They loved that!! It was a blessing to have that time with him before he went back to work. I have to admit, I was nervous to have him gone, considering my head problems are not solved yet. But I fasted and prayed the weekend before his departure. I pleaded with Heavenly Father that during his absence, I would be alright. My head would stay normal. I wouldn't be plagued by dizziness. In only a hour or so, Jason will return from Denver. It has been three weeks, and not once have I felt dizzy or sick. I have been blessed with strength and peace. I was able to take the boys to Burley and spent 10 days with my family. The driving was not an issue for me. Thank goodness, because I love to drive!! (0: (As my family knows) It hasn't felt like more than a week since Jason left. I know Heavenly Father watched over me and the boys while he was gone. My prayers were answered.

Also during this two weeks, my birthday came and went. It was a bummer to be apart from Jason on my birthday. He still made my day totally rock, despite being in Denver. He sent me beautiful flowers and gift cards so I could shop. My family fussed over me tons. I was able to take the boys swimming that day, and we ordered chinese food for dinner from our favorite restaurant. We had yummy chocolate cake. It was a perfect day for me!

Not long after my birthday, was Ashley's birthday. I was dreading her birthday. I knew it was going to be a painful, hard day for me. I decided way ahead of time, I wasn't going to sit around crying all day long. Ashley would never want that. She would want us to be happy, and spend the day as a family, doing things she would have enjoyed. That is what we did. In the early part of the day, I took some time to look at videos and pictures of my angel. I allowed myself time to cry. It felt good to let the tears flow. How I miss my angel!!!!!! In the early afternoon, Jessica came over and we took the children swimming. Later on, we went out to the cemetery and released balloons. We came home and had cake and ice cream. I even bought some clothes for my nieces. I LOVE girl clothes. I loved buying cute things for Ashley. It was an honor for me to spend a little money doing what I loved to do for my angel girl. (0: The day turned out to be a great day, despite the heaviness in my heart. I was eternally grateful I had my family surrounding me. I could not have faced the day at home, alone. Without my sweetheart. Without my support team.

This week in my packing ventures, I found a book my mom sent not long ago. It is about grieving. I didn't think I needed to read it. I felt like I was doing alright. I was wrong. As I opened the book and read the experiences of other mothers who had lost children, I found myself relating to much of what was said. One mother expressed how hard it was to watch other people, going about their lives. Here she was, hurting and struggling and the world didn't slow down one bit. One mother talked about how hard it was to watch other children, the same age as the child she lost. She was reminded of things she would never see her lost child do. I truly have struggled with that. Especially when it come to Young Women's. I have a lot of hurt when it comes to that. I look at the other 12 year old girls, at the things they can do. They ride bikes. They swim. They dance. They text and hang out with friends. They walk, attend school, and girl's camp. They have no idea how badly Ashley wanted to be normal, like them. She would have loved to dance, to run, to ride a bike, to have enough breath to get to the end of the block. She would have loved to attend mutual. But she was too ill. She never got those opportunities. It tears me up inside to know she will never have those opportunities. I want to shout at those girls, and remind them how lucky they are to be alive and healthy. They have no idea what a blessing it is to have a working heart, a working digestive system, the ability to live without pain. I hope I don't sound bitter. I am not bitter. Not at all. Inside I still have wounds to be healed. I am not sure they will ever heal. I find myself feeling sadder now than when Ashley first passed away. I have become more aware of how many holes are left in my life. I am trying hard to fill them, but no matter how hard I try, the pain does not end. Losing a child is so hard!!! Even with the knowledge she is ours forever, she is free of pain and at peace, doesn't numb the feeling of loss. I would never wish her here again, suffering as greatly as she was. But oh to even have five minutes with her, to hold her and love her and cuddle her, stoke her hair, her cheek, hold her hands like I used to do when she was so ill. I would give anything for those five minutes. I miss her every second of every day. I do hope with time, I won't feel so sad.