Tuesday May 17, 2011

Boy, it has been forever since I wrote in my blog last. Life got busy for a while, but now school is over and summer fun is rolling in. What an amazing year this has been for our family. I never dreamed we would be where we are today. I have loved every minute of school. My last semester was tough, and I had to be vigilant every second of every day to get through all the work, but I did it! And to top it off, I pulled another 4.0!! I was so proud of myself. I can't wait to continue on in my major. I have also throughly enjoyed my job at the school. That too has been a huge blessing in my life. I love the children I work with. I love the social interaction I have with the other paras. I love feeling like I have something I can contribute to this world. Don't take me wrong. I love being a mom, but for a long time, I didn't think think I had any skills. I have come to realize I can work with kids, and I am good at it. It has built my confidence up, and helped me to find my career path. I have been so blessed!

Our boys are doing well. For the most part, they are happy. Austin is still struggling with his ADHD. We put him back on his medication three months ago. Even with medication, he is very impulsive and often makes bad choices. He was going to counseling at the school, but I am not so hip on the school counselor here. He is a great person, but he isn't a behavior counselor. I am still in the process of finding another counselor who can help Jason and I with Austin. I am so scared if we don't help him now, before he is a teenager, we will lose him later on. Sometimes he makes me so angry, I don't want to be around him. He bullies his brothers. He takes off and I have no idea where he went. It is so hard at times! But I know with guidance from Heavenly Father, we will be able to find the help we need for our son.

Spencer is doing better as well. We had several months when he suffered from horrific stomach aches. After a few doctor visits, we found a medication which helped him. He also began seeing the counselor at school. Again, I don't think the counselor helped much. Spencer was clearly suffering from anxiety. I know it. I have it myself, and he exhibited every sign. I think I did more for him than anyone else did, only because I have walked this path myself. Fortunately, Spencer is feeling better. He stays every day for lunch now. For a long time, I brought him home for lunch every day. Thankfully, he feels happy and safe at school. He is making friends. I know Heavenly Father is watching over him.

Preston just turned 8. He will be baptized in June. I can't believe how grown up Preston is. He is very independent, much like Austin. Sometimes you can see the influence Austin has had on him. I pray every day Jason and I will set a good example for our sons. I want them to grow up loving the gospel! I want them to be good, strong, kind men who serve others and take care of one another.

It has been hard living in Logan. Despite all the good, there have been many struggles. Jason hasn't been well for a very long time. The doctor is blaming his fatigue, headaches, stomach problems, dizzy spells, and general malaise on the concussion he had a month ago. While I can see how that concussion made his symptoms worse, I feel his problems go deeper than that. He was not feeling well even before his fall. I am waiting until the end of this week and then I am taking him back to the doctor. I get so frightened that something is wrong with him. He is my rock! I lean on him for everything! There is no way I would have survived school without his constant love and support. He picked up all the pieces I couldn't. He cleaned the house and took care of the boys. He ran errands and encouraged me when I was down. I need him in my life. I just want him to be okay. I worry he is not.

As for myself, I don't feel the greatest. I started exercising last week. It has been a very long time since I did. My stupid head was giving me such fits, I couldn't. It is still bothering me, but at least I can exercise. I love the way exercise makes me feel!! It definitely helps with the depression. I have had such a fight with that! I feel bad when I get down. I know I have so much to be thankful for. When those downer moments hit, I bottom out, bad! I can't see anything positive! I don't feel like anyone likes me. It is insane! I have to reach and pull to get myself up again. Sometimes it takes a few days for that to happen. YUCK!

I think about Ashley every day. She was such a wonderful part of our lives. I can't believe how long it has been since she died. It seems like yesterday we had her funeral and said our final goodbyes. I had an interesting conversation at school not long ago that bothered me. We were talking about losing children, and the difference between sudden death and a predictable one. It was the consensus of the group that sudden death was way harder that a predicted one. I have never experienced the sudden death of a child. I pray I never have to. I have no idea what that experience would be like. But there is one thing I know: death hurts no matter what. The pain is still the same. While sudden death is traumatic and shocking, and there isn't time for final goodbyes like the one we had, predictable death is just as hard. I had to sit and watch my daughter slowly die over the course of many months. Every day was a struggle. It was emotionally exhausting in every way! I can't imagine the agony we experienced was easier than if she had suddenly died. It bothered me to think my experience was viewed as a lesser trial. We went through so much in those many months. My beautiful angel struggled so!! She was such a trooper! I wouldn't trade my time with her for anything. I learned so much about life, about the gospel, and about myself. I couldn't be more grateful for every hard moment. I have said that so many times. But it is true.

I have decided trials are truly the breadth of life. They keep us humble. They keep us focused on what truly matters. Over the past few months, I have had many times when I felt weak, unimportant, insignificant, and alone. But when I remember the courage our family had, the courage I had, during those last months of Ashley's life, I am so proud of myself. We survived. We grew so close. The spirit filled our home. I pray that we will always keep that spirit with us. I loved the way I felt in the days following Ashley's passing. I know the Holy Ghost filled my heart with peace. We were not alone. We are never alone in this life. Oh if everyone felt that spirit of peace! It is so comforting! (0:

Monday March 7, 2011

I don't have much time. I never have much time these days. My heart is very full tonight, and I need to write down my feelings. Last Thursday marked 1 year since our beautiful angel passed peacefully from this life into the next. As I reflected back over that experience, re-reading blog posts, looking at her funeral pictures, the emotions of those days flooded back into my heart. It was such a heart-braking time for our family. She was so ill, and she had no quality of life left. Yet through it all, she still smiled. She had an unshakeable faith, a quiet calm, that in death, a glorious world awaited her. She was never afraid. She always worried about others. I still remember, on the last night I spent with her, how worried she was about me. She was so sick all night long, and I stayed up with her most of the night with her. I remember her saying, "Mom, I am so sorry I am keeping you awake. You are going to be so tired tomorrow. Please, just lay down and get some sleep." There she was, laying in complete agony, barely able to breathe, and she was worrying about her mom. She was such a sweetheart!! She was my angel.

Sometimes I wonder if I really did all I could for her. Did I tell her I loved her enough? Did I hug her and hold her enough? Did I say all I wanted to say before I couldn't speak face to face with her anymore? Oh how I would give anything for five minutes with her. I want to know what her life is like now. I want to feel that reassurance once again that she is happy and that she knows how much we miss and love her. I want her to know she changed my life. She gave me a reason for living. She gave me a boost of spiritual power I would never have gained in any other way. She cemented our family together. There are so many lives she touched. I don't think we will ever know the scope of her influence. She was a missionary, even after death.

To commemorate her life, we all took last Thursday off from work and school. We went to Salt Lake. We stayed in a motel, and took the boys swimming. They LOVED that. The next morning, we all went to the aquarium in Sandy. Ashley loved fish and sea creatures. In fact, when she was two, the Make a Wish Foundation granted her a wish, and her wish was to go to Sea World in California. She got to see the big whales and dolphins. It was so fun! It was a neat experience to be in that aquarium, remembering our trip to San Diego.

For lunch, we ate in Chuck a Rama. That was Ashley favorite place to eat. Every time we went to the doctor in Salt Lake, that was where she wanted to eat. The boys told Jason and I that we had to eat their, in her honor. So that was what we did.

After lunch, we went up to Primary Children's Hospital. Dr. Etheridge took time out of her busy schedule so we could see her. It was so comforting to be with Ashley's beloved doctor. Dr. Etheridge did so many wonderful things for Ashley over the course of her lifetime. She worked miracle after miracle. She was always kind and considerate of Ashley's feelings. There were many times when she called Jason and I after the appointments, so we could discuss Ashley's prognosis in private, where it wouldn't upset Ashley. We love Dr. Etheridge with all our hearts!! We love Primary Children's Hospital. It is a heavenly place, and I know there are angels there, watching over all the sick children who must stay there. If you sit and listen and feel while you walk down the halls of the hospital, you can feel them. When we went to see our friend's son at the hospital, who had endured a very painful operation, I felt them then. I know there were angels watching over Britton. They were with him like they were with my Ashley.

While the pain lingers, I know Heavenly Father has been so merciful to our family. We have had blessing after blessing. It hasn't been an easy road for sure. Moving to Logan has been hard. I have struggled a lot. I have cried a lot. Jason has struggled. He has shed tears too. Our wonderful sons have struggled. I have come to understand that life will never be easy. Sometimes we hurt. Sometimes it feels like a black cloud of despair is hanging over our heads. We feel like we will never escape. But every trial, every challenge, every heartache, makes us strong. It helps us grow into strong, humble spiritual beings, ready to take our place with our Father in Heaven. While I wish I still had my angel girl, and I will always have a hole in my heart because I can't have her on Earth with me anymore, I am so thankful for this trial, for this experience. I can see and appreciate things I couldn't. Life has a new meaning for me and for my family. We have something to strive for. I am not sure where our road will lead us. But I know as long as we are a close, strong family, we can face anything and we will survive!! Family is everything! I am so grateful for my husband, whom I love with all my heart. He makes my days bright. He lifts my burdens and heals my wounded heart. I am so thankful for my dear sons. They are so delightful, even when they fight. They keep my days interesting for sure! (0: I know Heavenly Father is watching over our family. We will keep moving forward, faith in our hearts, looking to our Savior for strength and comfort. It always comes.

Remembering Our Angel

Remembering our angel. She was such a spunky, special young lady. She always thought of others. Never once, in her life of sadness and suffering, did she lose her faith. She faced every day with the strength of 10,000 stripling warriors. She was our hero, in every way. What an honor, what a privilege to be chosen as her parents. We love you Ashley Marie Winn! There is a hole in our hearts that will never be filled. What a joyous reunion awaits in the world to come!!!!!!!

Saturday January 15, 2011

I don't have much time to write. A new semester has begun, and my load is a heavy one. However, despite the work involved, I am so thankful I get the opportunity to pursue the career of my dreams. It is means to an end. I just have to focus on the end. (0:

The struggles keep coming. Just when you think you made it over one hurdle, another one surfaces. I feel like that is the way of our life. I know we aren't alone in this. Everyone has challenges. It is through the support of one another that we are able to get over those hurdles and keep on moving forward. I want to thank everyone who has supported our family over the past year. We have some amazing friends and family who keep us going. We couldn't have done what we did without such angels in our life.

I sometimes wonder if I should write about my struggles. I don't want to appear weak or ungrateful. I hope I don't ever come across as a weak person. I am trying so hard to be strong and face all life has to throw at me with faith and courage. Right now, my nemesis is depression. It seems like when I pull myself out of one down moment, another one hits me in the face, and I bottom out again. I feel bad when I do get down because we truly have a lot to be thankful for. I do express gratitude on a daily basis for the good things in our life. However, sometimes when those low moments hit, it is all I can do to put a smile on my face. Let's just say, I am the queen of "fake it until you make it." Right now is one of those times. Jason is struggling at work. He isn't happy. And he hasn't had the success he desires. I worry about him every day. He needs me to be on top of the world to help him feel good about himself. I haven't been. Our poor little Spencer is a mess right now. He started having horrible stomach aches in November. They got so bad, I took him to the doctor to see what was wrong. The doctor didn't find anything wrong. After talking with Spencer, he decided perhaps we were dealing with anxiety. That is possible. I still struggle with that, and it can make you feel horrible! I tried to get Spencer into a counselor at school, but that didn't happen until yesterday. I am hoping with the counselor helping Spencer, he will be able to feel better once again and be happy. For those of you who know our Spencer, he is not an unhappy kid. He is very happy go lucky, but lately, he cries every day. His stomach hurts on a daily basis. It is all we can do to get him through school. For the past week, I have been bringing him home from school with me for lunch time. I figured until he gets some tools to help him cope, I will do all I can to help him out. He misses his old life in Nampa, especially all the wonderful friends he had there. School here is not as fun, and he is struggling with all the changes. We all are. There is a huge hole we can't avoid. It hurts all the time. You never know what will make you sad, or what will drag you down. My poor boys feel that too. It is one thing to lose someone you love so much. We got through Ashley's death and her burial. We survived our move here. But now, we have to deal with the hole that is left. And it plain out stinks!!! The tears come almost every day. The only thing that helps me is the knowledge that if we can get through this trial, the sun will shine once again. It always does. You just have to get through the storm first. The storm seems to continue on, and we are doing our best to hunker down and wait for the light. Thank goodness for all the wonderful examples in this world of faith and courage. There are so many Heavenly Father has placed in my life. Thank goodness for family, for friends, for the gospel of Jesus Christ. I pray every day I can endure the depression, the anguish, the worry, the aches and pains of my stupid physical body, the self-doubt, etc and stay strong. I pray I will never lose site of the eternal perspective. Truly, the eternal perspective is the only thing that is keeping me going right now. At times, I get so down, I just want to evaporate and escape this life. At those times, when I pour my heart out to God, the peace always comes. It is enough to help me get up and keep on moving forward. The pain might not go away. The ache might remain, but I feel enough strength, I know I can survive one more day. The sun will shine again. We all have to believe that.

Saturday January 1, 2011

It is so hard to believe it has been almost a year since we buried our little angel. I wish I could say time dulls the pain. But it doesn't. The ache, the longing to see Ashley's beautiful smile and sparkly eyes, to buy her cute clothes and take her on mommy/daughter outings: it never leaves. It tears at your heart at the most bizzare moments: a dance recital, a grocery store, a church meeting, the doctor's office. I never know what will set me off or make me sad. I have had so many ups and downs over the Christmas holidays, I don't know what to do with myself. Jason probably doesn't either. Thankfully, we survived the holidays. I can't believe I did. Boy, that makes me sound pretty weak, doesn't it? But truly, after Thanksgiving, I didn't know how I was going to face Christmas. Everytime I looked at my Christmas things, my heart broke. It didn't seem right to be celebrating without Ashley. At times, I almost felt guilty for being happy. She suffered so much. I didn't want her to think I had forgotten her. I didn't want her to think because she was gone, life was easier or I was happier. I wanted to keep her with me as much as possible.

Christmas last year was one of sorrow. We knew it was the last time she would be with us. I left up our decorations for a long time after New Year's so Ashley could enjoy them as long as possible. I remember vividly the feelings I felt the day after Christmas, when we started weaning her off her first beta blocker. She was so unafraid. She wanted to return to her Heavenly Father so badly. Her faith was unshakeable. She new what glorious world awaited her. She knew her pain would end. As days stretched into weeks, and weeks into months, with no end to her pain, she continued to be strong. Even in her final moments, she was a brave little soul. She only thought of her mother and my comfort. It was NEVER about her or her pain. NEVER! The one part that I am still so sad about is that I didn't take the time to honor her courage and faith at her funeral. I didn't speak because I didn't think I could. I have regretted that so many times I can't number them anymore. But I can't turn back the clock. It is what it is. We did the best at that time. I know she knows how proud of her we were.

So today, happy Connie isn't so happy. I am a mess. I am starting to get a cold, which is yucky anyway. But I don't think I have made it more than an hour without shedding tears. I don't say that for anyone to feel sorry for me. HECK NO! I know there are tons of people in our world who have lost those they love. There are tons of people who suffer. My heart goes out to everyone who must walk this path of grief, who hurts or aches or cries alone in the dark of the night. It sucks!! Yes, I am using that word!! SUCKS!! Sometimes it hurts so much I want to yell! I want the pain to go away, if even for a short time. But it doesn't. It aches and hurts but life must go on. I have to get out of bed every day. I have to keep smiling and loving and serving, despite the emptiness in my heart. It is at those desperate moments that I plead to a loving Heavenly Father for comfort and strength to keep on going. I thank Him for all the time we did have, for all the memories, for all the laughs and talks. I thank Him for the angels that watched over Ashley and our family. They were there!! I have no doubt of that! There are days when I long to feel them still. There are days when I long to hug my little girl, for even five minutes. One night, not long ago, I dreamed she came back. She was able to spend one day with the family. I held her so tight!! We went for a drive and listened to her favorite jam music. It was so real!! I woke up wishing to be back in that dream. But of course, reality sank in. It was only a dream. She is free of this earth life. There are days when I envy her. How wonderful it would be to be free from cares, pain, and worry!! But then I realize what a gift life is. Life is what you make it. You can sit around feeling sorry for yourself all the time or you can make the best of your situation. You can frown, or you can smile. You can hide, or you can serve. The choice is up to us. I pray I will always make the best of all life gives to me. I don't want to disappoint my family, my angel, or my Heavenly Father. Faith in every footstep, that is what I am striving hard to have, like so many others before me!! And it is so hard, especially on those days when I am depressed and sad and feeling yucky!!

But I know I am not alone. There will always be people to help me along the way. So I keep moving forward........(0:

Friday December 9, 2010

I should be at school right now, teaching my students, but Spencer is sick today so I am home. I haven't blogged in a very long time. Between school, work, calling, and family, there hasn't been much time for writing. I wanted to share some of the wonderful blessings that have come to our family over the past couple of weeks. It has been amazing!

First, I have been struggling with depression. Most people would never know how hard I struggle with that. I put on a pretty good front. But since we moved to Logan, I have had many days when I get so down, all I can do is cry. I doubt myself and my ability as a mom, friend, and teacher. I know a huge part of my struggle comes from missing my Ashley. The hole is so big. I never know what will make it start to hurt. It might be a song on a radio. It might be seeing a mother with her daughter. It might be a smell, or a picture, or a show on TV. When it hurts, it hurts. Right before Thanksgiving, I was struggling really bad. I thought a lot about where we were last year on the holidays. At that point, Ashley was very ill. We had pulled out her PICC line, and we knew she was going to die. I was praying so hard she would live through Christmas. I struggle with Christmas time anyway, but having her die then would make it difficult forever. We were so blessed to have her with us way beyond Christmas. But reading back over where we were then filled me with painful memories. It was so hard to watch my angel slowly fade away. The Saturday after Thanksgiving, I was sitting in a dance performance, watching my beautiful niece perform, and I was overcome with the loss of my little girl. She loved to dance, but she never had the energy or the oxygen level, to do it. I couldn't shake that heaviness in my heart. It was like a ten ton rock was plunked on my chest. I couldn't face Christmas. Normally, right after Thanksgiving, we put up our Christmas decorations. But I couldn't even look at the boxes. Everytime I did, I would break down crying. I was trying to beat my sadness but it seemed no matter what I did, my heart remained heavy. I new I had to face Christmas. My other children needed me to get out of this hole I was in. Finally, one night, when I was at the lowest of the low, , I asked my sweet husband for a blessing. I couldn't shake the sadness. It was consuming every aspect of my life. In that blessing, he promised me Heavenly Father would strengthen and comfort me. He told me I would be blessed to carry on. And from that moment forward, my burdens were lifted off my shoulders. I was able to fight the depression. I faced my Christmas decorations. (0: I cried when we put up Ashley's special Christmas tree given to her by my amazing aunt and her two wonderful daughters. I know Ashley is watching over us. I know she knows I think of her every day, and I haven't forgotten her. She will be near through this Christmas season.

Since that night, my life has taken a 360 degree turn. It isn't that my heart isn't aching or that I don't cry in the night, but now I know I can survive. I can face each day and I am not alone. Heavenly Father is with me every awful step of the way. I can tell Him anything, and He will comfort me and help me. I know we can get through every awful trial in our lives. We aren't the first family to lose a child, and we won't be the last. But to all out there who grieve, or who think they aren't important, I am here to tell you, you are!! When you think you can't take another step, or life is going to consume you, pray. The comfort and assurance will come. It has come to me, and I know I am important. I know I can contribute something, small as it may be, to this world and to my family. I know even with an aching heart, I can be happy. I have so much to be thankful for. How wonderful it is to know we have a loving Father in Heaven who is always there for us. May everyone have a wonderful weekend, full of peace.

Sunday October 17, 2010

Perhaps I shouldn't write today. I am not feeling very "up". It wasn't that today hasn't been good. Church was wonderful!! It seems like I always hear what I need. Today was no exception. I guess part of my despair comes from thinking about all the things in my life right now. I really LOVE my job at the school. I love working with kids. I love being in school. My classes this semester are interesting and challenging at the same time. The part that makes me happy is that I know I am studying for the career I desire. Now that my kids are growing up, I am so ready to have a career. It has given me a new purpose to be pursuing that goal. It is the right path for me to take. I just wish everything else in my life made more sense. I guess challenges never stop, and that is part of life. I once heard someone say that when you have trials, you know you are loved. I guess I am really loved right now! (0:

So to list all the challenges, well first of all, AUSTIN! (0: My poor son! He is a great kid, but he is struggling. I feel completely responsible for his troubles. I chose to stop his ADHD medication in the summertime. I was sick and tired of the stupid side effects, (like staying awake all night!) I tried to get the medication lady in Nampa to change his medicine, but she led me to believe we didn't have other options. So I just pulled the dang drugs. He did sleep better. But, with all the changes in our household, (moving), his behavior escalated again. By the time we got to Logan, he was driving me nuts. I was hoping with school starting, and his days becoming more structured once again, he might be alright. I had a long talk with his teacher, and she assured me if she felt he needed his medication, she would let me know. Well, time went on and the reports I got from her were alright. She never once said she thought he needed medication. She did tell me he was struggling, wanting to be out of class. I could see he was unhappy, so we got the school counselor involved. I thought he might need some additional help dealing with Ashley's death. I know it has been harder for me over the past couple of months. The counselor, after he and I talked, suggested Austin might benefit from medication. Again, it was only a suggestion. Jason and I talked and decided medication would be helpful. I took him to the doctor and got him on a new, non-stimlant medication. Well, come to find out last week, when we saw the counselor, his teacher was actually having a horrible time with Austin. She told the counselor Austin was rude and disruptive. I could feel the frustration she had. I never heard a work of this!! I about died!! Why didn't she tell me?? Am I that horrible of a person?? That was the first thing I thought. This new medication isn't working well. But I dont' know what option we have. It is a frustrating and discouraging situation. I want Austin to be happy. I want him to love who he is, and to embrace his challenges. He isn't happy, and I know he isn't enjoying school. I am praying constantly we find a remedy to this situation.

Okay, so besides Austin, there is my stupid head! You would think it would get better. But NO! It is getting worse again. I feel off balance every day. I have dizzy spells every day. Some days, it is all I can do to get through one day, with work and studying and taking care of my family. I get exhausted! I know exercise would benefit me, but I don't feel good enough to do that. I need to see a doctor, but I dont' want to. Honestly, I am scared. I don't want to go through a battery of tests just to have them tell me I am fine. That is always what happens to me. I HATE HATE HATE feeling like this. I see so many others happily going through their lives, healthy as a bird. Then here comes Connie. I don't feel good. When I don't, I get so depressed. I want to be healthy. I need to be able to take my kids places, and be the active, busy mom they deserve. I don't feel good enough to take them places, let alone on long drives, exploring and such. Driving for me is a constant challenge. I never know if I will be dizzy or not. YUCK!! Yes, I am praying, hard, for help in this matter.

Of course, I miss my daughter. I don't think anyone realizes how much I miss her, how much my heart aches every day. It is a constant struggle. I dread the coming of the holiday season. I am already hurting so much. How can I face two huge holidays without my angel? I cry every time I think about it. I hope I dont' sound ungrateful. Honestly, I know how blessed I am. I thank Heavenly Father every chance I get for all the good things in my life. I love our home. I love my job. I love being in college. I have the most amazing boys ever!! And I love them all with every fiber of my being. I have a super husband, who is a great support and comfort to me. I have loads to be thankful for. I am just in a rut right now. All I want is a normal life without complications! Ha ha ha! It won't happen for the Winn family, so I am going to keep on making the best of it!