Stupid Dang Depression!! I HATE IT!

Last night was a horrible night. I absolutely could not get a grip on myself. All I could do was cry. Jason was amazing! He tried everything he could do to console me. However, I was up a good portion of the night. I don't know what is wrong. It is like all of a sudden I am at the bottom again. I know this happens to me, but why now? There are so many exciting things coming up soon. I am thrilled to be back in school. My classes for fall are going to be challenging but so fun! (0: I am not sure about my job at Woodruff yet, but hopefully I will be working there as well. The summer has been awesome. We have been able to do lots of fun things. The kids have loved the time with cousins. We just had a wonderful trek into Yellowstone, which was a blast. I guess on the flip side, there are some challenges to overcome. One of the biggest is that Jason will lose his job soon. There is nothing he can do to prevent that. He has done everything he can, been the best worker he can be. He has been responsible, hard working, kind, patient, compassionate, and accommodating. It doesn't matter that all his customers, as well as management and employees love him. If his numbers don't measure up, he is gone. It sucks!! Verizon has no loyalty what so ever! It is all about numbers. I would rather Jason work for a company who rewards their employees for hard work and appreciates good leaders when they have them. I am concerned about the loss of a job. I know Jason can get a job anywhere. I am confident about that. But we already have financial strain. I hope we make it through.

I also haven't felt the best lately. I knew at the first part of the summer I needed to deal with my health challenges. I kept putting it off because I hate doctors so much. Then I put it off because I knew we couldn't afford medical bills. Now I won't have the means to do anything about it. I have learned to accommodate. Some days I do fine. Other days, I feel pretty crappy. I have pushed myself every day to exercise, even on the bad days. Even though I am not losing weight, the exercise certainly helps my mood. I have learned I must take time after a hard workout to walk around and collect myself. I always feel dizzy when I finish. I have also learned not to be afraid of the dizziness. It is an every day thing I deal with. This week has been especially bad for me. But it always is when my hormones are out of whack. I think that is the reason I have been extra tired. Afternoons are always hard. I have more problems then. Sometimes driving in traffic bothers me. Sometimes I will have waves of dizziness while sitting in church, at the temple, waiting at stop lights, or at home while watching TV. When I get off balance, it is hard to walk. It is hard to sit. I get nervous, especially when I am driving. But like I said, I have learned to accommodate. I don't go places when I don't feel well. I rest when I need to. And I survive. I do get down when I feel under the weather. But it is my own fault. It isn't like I have done anything about it.

The other problem I have is this awful feeling of worthlessness. When those stupid feelings hit me, they hit me hard. I think that is one of the only ways Satan can get at me. He knows I am a person who has always struggled with self-esteem. I don't have any close friends, with the exception of Jason. I don't feel talented or extraordinary in any way. Basically, I see myself as a plain old individual and he plays up on that every chance he gets. I am trying so hard to overcome this weakness, but as of yet, I have not found a way to conquer it. I will just have to keep looking and keep trying to beat those blues. It makes me feel awful when I get so down. I have said this numerous times before: I have so many wonderful things in my life. I don't want to be ungrateful or unappreciative of all the good there is. But I can't seem to keep myslf on top. It is hard to explain these feelings to Jason when they come. He takes my unhappiness to mean I am unhappy with him, which isn't true. I am simply trying to understand my stupid body and figure out a way to beat it. I don't always want to talk about it. I can't always explain how I am feeling. I don't want others to see me as a wimpy sap. You wouldn't believe how long I have lived in this way and no one has ever known how hard it has been. I am pretty dang proud of myself for being so strong and enduring such a horrible personal trial.

Well, life calls. I was hoping writing would help me understand myself a little better. It didn't make me feel better, but I do have hope I will pull out of this. I just have to keep up the faith.

Regrets

I have no idea what is the matter with me lately. I just haven't been feeling like myself. I have been emotional and tired. (No, I am NOT pregnant!) I haven't slept well. I miss Ashley terribly. My heart has been hurting so badly! I thought I was dealing pretty well with life in general, but lately I don't feel like I am. It all started around the time of her birthday. Ashley's birthday is July 19, which is only a few days after mine. I wanted her birthday to be special. Last year, we were in Burley. We went swimming, ate pizza, and had cake. We also lauched balloons at her gravesite. I bought gifts for my neices in honor of my princess. It was a wonderful day. This year, we talked with the boys and decided to do two of her favorite activites. We went to Chuck-A-Rama and we picked out some of her most favorite candy in lieu of cake. We talked about her and looked at pictures. It was a good day for all of us. Shortly after her birthday, we went to Yellowstone. This was the first year we were in Yellowstone without her. I thought I was okay with that. On the day we came home, I felt myself aching inside, missing her, wishing she were able to be with us. She has been on my mind constantly since. It doesn't help that last week, I was reminded of mistakes I made in my past. It made me think of all the time I wasted. I am not proud of who I was then. It wasn't that I was an evil person, but I put priorities on things which were not important. I had one friend in particular whom I cared for a great deal. But this friend did not have honorable intentions. The friendship led me to places I did not want to be. Fortunately for me, my husband came to my rescue. He helped me to see the error of my ways. He helped me down the road to repentence. We began to be a team once again. I was able to communicate with him as I had never been able to before. We fixed what was broken. I will be forever be grateful I had my life in order when Ashley died. I needed the gospel to get me through. I also needed my husband. I could not have survived without him. The thing that kills me most now is how much time I wasted on unimportant things. I could have spent more quality time with my angel. I could have served better. I could have been closer to the spirit. Now I have to live with all these regrets. Lately, they seem so HUGE! It breaks my heart that I was unable to see the eternal perspective for so long!! In addition, I hurt my husband a great deal. I think a lot of his struggles stem from me and who I was then. I am trying so hard to love him and make him feel like my special king. Unfortunately with life circumstances like they are, he is already down. Today I know he was down because of me. While I put my life in order, and am living the gospel of Jesus Christ to the fullest every day, I have to live with these regrets. It doesn't make me like myself at all. Sometimes I feel I am never going to be good enough to be with my little girl someday. I hope she knows how very much she changed my life. I hope she knows how sorry I am for all the times when I didn't read to her, didn't take her for walks in her little purple wheelchair, didn't sing her to sleep, didn't spend an extra hour talking about the stars in her science class, didn't teach her more about the gospel. I can't take that back, but I can make the future better. I can make sure I never repeat those mistakes again. One day at a time!!

Thursday July 28, 2011

What a wonderful past few days it has been! Our family was blessed with the opportunity to go to Yellowstone National Park with my entire family (siblings and parents and grandkids). We left last Friday morning for Idaho Falls. Idaho Falls became our rendezvous point. We all stayed at the Red Lion, which was across the street from the beautiful falls. We met David and Alisha for dinner and then we all headed back to the motel for swimming and fun. The kids were dying by that point to swim. I think that was the funnest part of the trip for them. Ha ha ha ha! We had the pool all to ourselves, which was good considering we filled it up. (0: We did have an interesting experience while in the pool which I feel is worth mentioning. We met a family who was visiting America from Japan. They were part of a tour group, traveling to Yellowstone on a bus. They had two children. Their daughter was jumping into the pool while spinning in circles. At one point, she missed her jump and fell. Her chin hit the side of the pool and split open. Amy rushed over to help the mom. The split itself wasn't really bad. We gave the mom a butterfly bandage, which closed up the wound pretty well. The problem was, the little girl kept crying. She was unable to move her jaw. At that point, the mom felt she needed to take her daughter to the hospital. Amy and I were both concerned there could be an injury to her jaw. Of course, being in a strange country, and without a vehicle to transport them, the mom was very worried. We would have helped her in a heartbeat, but the motel staff offered to shuttle them to the emergency room. What really upset me about the whole situation was the way the hotel staff talked to the father of the little girl. He had gone to the front desk, trying to see if there was any way the hotel would help pay for the expense of the ER visit. They informed him they were not responsible for her accident. They said she broke the rules and that made them free from responsibility. While that may have been true, there was no reason for them to be so rude about it. You can say that without making the other person feel like a idiot. I was not impressed with the front desk staff. They were rude to my parents when they asked for an ice bucket which was missing from their room. They were rude to my sister when she asked for an extra towel, since her towel had blood on it. We never did find out what happened to the family. I hope they were alright. They were super nice people. I just wish the stupid hotel staff wouldn't have been so rude to them.

Saturday was our first day in the park. We drove to West Yellowstone, where we again gathered as a group and then headed into Old Faithful. Grand Geyser, one of our very favorites, was set to erupt around 4:00 p.m. We arrived with only minutes to spare!! Grand gave a great show!! It was awesome! Then we walked around the boardwalks and headed out to Morning Glory pool. We also hiked past Morning Glory to another geyser located back toward Biscuit Basin. That was fun too! It was a long walk back in, and by the time we got back to our cars, the kids were tired and hungry. We ate a quick dinner and then split forces. Some of our group went to watch Riverside Geyser. Some of us waited for Castle Geyser. We took our kids for ice cream and then to the new visitor's center. We saw Old Faithful as well. We took the kids into the Old Lodge and looked around in there. It was fun! By the time we drove back to West Yellowstone, it was after 9:00 p.m. It was cool because all of our rooms were in a row, with the exception of David and Alisha. They were downstairs. The kids loved going from room to room. I will point out, we were exceptionally cautious about keeping them quiet. With that many children, it was a challenge.

The next day was Sunday and our first stop was Midway Geyser Basin. Then we went to Black Sand Basin and hiked the loop there. We also hiked to Artemesia Geyser, which is a short hike into the woods across the street from Black Sand Basin. It was so enjoyable to be in the woods. I loved the smell of the pine trees and the gentle breeze. The weather wasn't too hot or cold. We were so blessed while we were there.

After our hikes, we drove to a darling picnic site and had lunch. The kids were quick to find a trail which led off into the forest. We hiked the trail for a little way before it was time to depart. It was only a little ways until we reached the West Thumb Geyser Basin. I love West Thumb. The first time we saw that basin, it was ugly. The pools were brown. It was desolate. Only a couple of years later, there was a shift in the hot spot. Two of the pools became bright blue. One of the pools started erupting enough the boardwalk had to be moved back. It was like the basin came to life. On this visit, the basin was equally beautiful. West Thumb sits right on Yellowstone Lake, and the lake was spectacular this year. The water was very high and deep blue. Just gorgeous! There was a pleasant wind coming from across the lake, so the loop by the water was refreshing. It was fun!

After West Thumb, we drove to Grant Village. There is a darling gift shop there, as well as yummy ice cream. Let me tell you, there is nothing more revitalizing to children than ice cream! Ha ha ha! They ate up and then we all spent a while looking around the gift shop. Then it was back on the road. We all regrouped at the Fountain Paint Pots, hiked the loop there, and then headed over to catch Great Fountain Geyser. Great Fountain is another favorite of our family. The crater it is located in is spectacular, but it also has an amazing eruption. We arrived just in time to see the geyser erupt. By that time, it was dinner time and we had some hungry troopers. So we all decided to head back to West Yellowstone for dinner.

Monday was another great day. Unfortunately part of our family had to head for home. Poor Chris and Jessica ended up with a very sick little girl. Annie threw up five times in the night. Poor Alexis woke up in the middle of it all and cried for almost two hours. Jessica was beside herself by morning. They decided they better head back to Burley to care for their sick one. We were fortunate in that we got to keep Burke. He is such a great kid, it wasn't a problem at all to keep him. (0:

Our first stop was Norris Geyser Basin. I was always a fan of Norris when I was younger, but this year, it wasn't great. Many of the pools were dull. There were tons of people and it was very hot. But even with the setbacks, it was fun to be a family, walking around and laughing together. By the time we finished our hikes at Norris, the kids were starving. I have to admit, I was hungry too. We found a really fun picnic area with a creek. We stayed there for a while and let the kids play in the water. They had a blast! They could have gladly stayed by that little creek all day long. But reality set in, and it was time to hit our next destination: Grand Canyon of the Yellowstone. Our first stop was Brink of Lower Falls. You get to hike about half a mile down to a viewpoint right at the edge of the falls. It was amazing! After all the hiking we had done thus far, the kids were tired. They did not want to hike anymore. Dawn and Jaxon have a favorite hike they like to do every year, which was an additional three miles. My parents decided to take the children to the visitor's center in Canyon Village while Dawn, Jaxon, Tammy, Jason and I hiked the North Rim Trail. David and Alisha, Kris and Amy decided to drive the Mammoth/Tower Falls Loop and meet up with us later in West Yellowstone. Our little group set out for our hike. It was truly beautiful!!! We did end up on the South Rim Trail. We saw the area where the man was attacked by a bear and killed only a week before we were in Yellowstone. They have the trail closed and have bear warning signs posted all over the area. It was scary to be in a place where we knew a bear had killed someone. We didn't see a bear on our hike, but we did see a deer. I figured with a deer in the area, there was not likely to be a bear, so we were safe.

After our jaunt, we went back to the visitor's center and met up with our parents and children. Of course, it was ice cream time again. Ha ha ha! (0: Then we left Canyon and drove to Gibbon Falls. The new overlook there is spectacular! They did a wonderful job! There were lots of big rocks there, so you can imagine where the kids played. After Gibbon, it was back to West Yellowstone for food and souvenir shopping. At the end of that day, we were all tired. I don't think the kids have ever slept so soundly!

Tuesday morning it was time to head for home. Part of our family decided to head to Jackson. I didn't have a good feeling about making the trip, and it was a good thing we didn't go. Our van has been acting up for a while now. Unfortunately, the mechanic has been unable to narrow down the problem. He tried, but when he drove it for three days, it never had any problems. Anyway, Jason and I took our little family and headed to Mesa Falls. I have seen the sign for Mesa Falls before, but have never been there. It was so fun! We stopped at both overlooks and visited the Visitor's Center there. I had a special experience while we were at the upper falls overlook. I was standing, looking out over the river. I had been thinking about Ashley the entire trip, remembering what it was like to have her with us. She had been on my mind a great deal that morning as well. As I stood there, I had the most happy, peaceful feeling come over me. It was like she was telling me she was alright and that she didn't want me to be sad. I knew she was near. I am so lucky to have been her mom. Every day it seems like I find another blessing that came from having her as part of our family. I wish I could tell her just what she did for me, how she changed my heart and my life, how she brought such unity to our family. She was my princess, and she always will be.

On the way home, we stopped in Idaho Falls to eat. Right after we got back on the freeway, the van died. It did restart after a few minutes, but after that, it ran rough all the way home. We ended up coming home through Downey. It seemed to do better at slower speeds. I am so thankful I listened to the prompting I had earlier that morning. Had we gone to Jackson, I am not sure we would have made it. Who knows where we would have been stuck, with a van that wasn't running well, and not up to traveling over mountain passes. The cool part of this story is that we had no trouble the entire time we were in Yellowstone. I know that was not an accident. We were blessed. We were blessed with the financial means to make the trip. We were blessed with good health. In the time I needed to know my angel was close, I felt her.

I am so grateful for this wonderful world we have been given to live in. Looking at the beautiful and breathtaking sights around us, there is no way one can deny there is loving Father in Heaven, who loves us, who is always near, ready to help us in times of trial. I feel right now like I am in the eye of the storm. Life this summer has been so peaceful. I haven't felt so much peace in a very long time. While the storms of life continue to rage on, I have learned to dance in the rain. And it feels so great!!!!!!

Friday July 15, 2011

Okay, so now that I have expressed some of my feelings, I want to update everyone on the Winn Family and our doings over the past month. We have been enjoying our summer very much. The boys took swimming lessons and made great progress. We have had several outings with the cousins, (mostly swimming), and have loved spending time with them. Spencer and Preston both went to day camp not long ago. It was a blast to get to be with both my sons this year. I actually went to Camp Fife two days in a row. The first day was for Wolves and Bears. The second day was for Webelos. I learned so much at camp and found myself enjoying the chance to learn and re-learn several things.

We were also blessed to attend Freedom Fire at Utah State. Diamond Rio came this year and performed before the firework show. They also had a wonderful chorus and orchestra who sang and performed with Diamond Rio and on their own. It was a spectacular show! You never know what will make you sad. I find that out every day. At the Freedom Fire celebration, Diamond Rio sang the song, "One More Day". I have heard that song many times before, but for some reason, the words hit my heart like a sledge hammer. I have to post them here so that you can read them too. It made me think of my beautiful angel and how very much I would love one more day with her!

Last night I had a crazy dream
A wish was granted just for me
It could be for anything
I didn't ask for money
Or a mansion in Malibu
I simply wished, for one more day with you

One more day
One more time
One more sunset, maybe I'd be satisfied
But then again
I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you

First thing I'd do, is pray for time to crawl
Then I'd unplug the telephone
And keep the TV off
I'd hold you every second
Say a million I love you's
That's what I'd do, with one more day with you

One more day
One more time
One more sunset, maybe I'd be satisfied
But then again
I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you

Leave me wishing still, for one more day
Leave me wishing still, for one more day

As you can see, the words are beautiful! It touched my mommy heart and made me long to hold my little girl again!!!

Last weekend we had a wonderful opportunity to attend the Merrill family reunion in Sandy, Utah. All of my mom's sisters were there, as well as almost all the cousins. We ate great food, visited our hearts out, and took our kids to the Classic Fun Center. Then it was back to a beautiful park for more food and a special program for Grandma Morgan. I loved the chance to get together. There is nothing like gathering with family members whom you love and who you know love you back. My family, these wonderful people, were the ones who stood with our family when we lost our girl. They sent notes, flowers, emails, care packages, etc. during that awful time. I couldn't have survived without their love and support. What a wonderful opportunity to be with them!!

Yesterday was my 36th birthday. I can't believe I am that old already!! Crazy!! Jason spoiled me rotten, as usual! He bought me my favorite breakfast sandwich from McDonalds. And yes, I do love McGriddles! After swimming lessons, we went miniture golfing with the boys. We were able to play two rounds and our boys did great! They take after their dad: natural golfers in the making! Ha ha ha! Then we went home and ate lunch and rested for a bit. Jason and I left for a while and ran some errands together. It is always so neat to get one on one time with my sweetheart! (0: Then we came home and gathered up our little troopers. We went to dinner and then went shopping at the mall. Then it was to Casper's for dessert. We LOVE Casper's. They have the most delicious brownie delight EVER! That was what I wanted for my birthday treat. We came home and got our boys to bed. I couldn't have asked for a more perfect day. Jason made me feel like his queen. He always does.

As for Jason's job, we are in total limbo. Corporate has not decided what they want to do with him. They are threatening to fire him, as well as all the management team. The whole store hasn't produced the numbers corporate desires. The stupid thing about a company like Verizon is that is doesn't matter how hard you work, or what a great asset you are to the store, or how many customers adore you, including management. If you don't hit their quotas, you are gone. The general manager of the Logan store has been with Verizon for 6 years now. He is a great worker, and has done Verizon well. But now, the store numbers aren't good enough, so the big wigs are threatening to replace him. He says this is the first time in the past six years he has ever stressed over his job. He has a new baby. It is crazy!!! That is the breaks of working for such a corporate giant. They don't care about their workers. All they care about is numbers and money. Years of good service and outstanding work ethnic mean nothing if you don't hit the numbers. I am not sure what to pray for. I don't know if Jason should stay with Verizon. I am not sure I wish for that. If at any time they aren't pleased with his numbers, despite his outstanding work ethnic, they will replace him. You can never feel comfortable. We have lots of praying to do over the whole situation.

Life calls. It is time to begin dinner. I am so grateful for my life. I have much to be thankful for. Logan has been good for us, despite all the hard times. If there is one thing I have learned over the past few years, it is to never fear a challenge. I will face those challenges head on!! With faith in every footstep and a constant prayer in my heart, our family will survive. I will survive! With God, all things are possible!!!

Friday July 15, 2011

I decided I better repent and be better about writing in my blog. I have had so many wonderful experiences over the past couple of months. I have felt a strong urge to write them down, but haven't done it yet. So here goes.

Living in Logan hasn't been easy. I have expressed that in this blog numerous times before. But despite the challenges of our move, I would be so ungrateful if I didn't write about all the good that has come with this change for our family. I learned a great lesson last week. I had the opportunity to attend scout camp with my little cubs. You have to understand, being cubmaster has been the most challenging calling I have ever had. It seems at every turn, something goes wrong. Most of my pack meetings have been miraculous in themselves, simply because of all that has gone wrong. Almost all of my pack meetings have been planned and executed by me and me alone. I have not had good support from my den leaders. They are great at weekly den meetings, but when it comes to pack meetings, they are not helpful. When we held our Blue and Gold Banquet, not one leader helped decorate. My wonderful visiting teaching companion and her friend helped me set up. Only one of my leaders helped me cook that night, and she came 20 minutes before the event started. I thought I would have more people offer to help in the kitchen, with the cooking, or help put food on tables. But no. That did not happen. Instead, I had people criticizing me because we were late starting. I am sorry, but you can't be on time when you have no help. One person only has so much strength and ability. The person who saved me that night in my kitchen was my sister. She sacrificed her entire night to help. Her and my niece, Katriel, ran the kitchen for me. Every pack meeting has been like that. I come. I set up. No one else helps with anything. They don't even make assignments, so I have to scramble last minute to assign flag ceremony, prayers, skit, etc. I do it all alone. I got even more frustrated when it was time for our pinewood derby. Due to track scheduling problems, we were forced to move our derby to April. I okayed this change with my bishop, thinking all would be well. It wasn't. As it turned out, the other ward in our building reserved the gym the same night as our derby. They had a huge activity planned. Instead of telling me about the problem, the ward counsel decided to move our derby to the priesthood room. I only found out through a co-worker about the change. I was upset they didn't tell me there was a problem. After some research, I discovered our track would not fit into the priesthood room. The whole thing would have fallen apart and I would have taken the heat. As it was, I talked to my bishop two days before the derby. He make some calls and the other ward gave up the gym. It came together, but it was a miracle. I, however, came away feeling deeply discouraged. Last month's pack meeting was just as bad. I had scheduled the fire department to come speak. They called me two days before pack meeting and told me they could not come. I had two days to come up with an alternate plan. That was no easy feat!! I had fasted and prayed before this last pack meeting because I was so discouraged. Up to that point, I dreaded every pack meeting. I knew I would be alone and left to fend for myself, and I was tired of feeling like a failure. It seemed like my prayers were unheard. Everything went from bad to worse. The pack meeting seemed to crumble around me. Nothing went as planned. I came home and cried for a very long time. When we went to day camp, the peace I was seeking finally came. As I drove my van full of boys to Camp Fife, the spirit filled my heart. I knew this calling was where Heavenly Father wanted me to be. I knew I would not be alone. No matter how inadequate I am to fill it, he would help me to do my best. With that reassurance in my heart, I knew all would be alright. It was a testimony to me that Heavenly Father hears and answers our prayers. It isn't always in the way we think, but He hears us. He blesses us to do what we are called to do. The scriptures are full of wonderful stories about prophets who were asked to do great things, often things they felt were impossible. Yet, with faith and prayer and fasting, all of them succeeded. They did not fail. And I won't either. I just want to serve. I want to do my part and do what the Lord wants me to do. He has given me so many wonderful blessings. I want to pay Him back. I want to keep growing every day, becoming the best person I can be. I want to be with my little girl one day, and I know to get where she is, I have to keep working to be the most righteous woman I can be.

Okay, went off on a tangent there. Back to blessings. I can't tell you how many blessings have been given to our family. We have a wonderful home to live in. We are comfortable and happy here. The boys have the perfect place to explore and play. Our neighborhood is nice and safe. I love my neighbors. They are kind and caring. I got a great job. My job last year was a lifesaver for me. Heavenly Father knew I needed that job. I got out of the house. As you know from previous blog posts, I have struggled with depression. Last year, it got so bad at times, I was in a state of complete and utter despair. I would get so down, I felt like I contributed nothing to this world. I felt no one cared. I felt alone and worthless. It was awful!!!! One of my biggest pick me ups were those kids I was blessed to teach. They were delightful. I came to love each and every student. They were a perfect distraction for me. They made my aching heart feel a little better. There were so many days when I felt such sadness. They helped me to see I had something to contribute to this world, however small it seemed.

Since moving here, we have been blessed numerous times by family members. My sister has been amazing and we LOVE living near to her and her delightful family. It has also been a huge blessing to be closer to Jason's grandma. She has been a mother to him and has helped us so many times, I can't count them all. She is as generous as she is kind. It has been a perfect opportunity to give back to her. At the same time, when we help grandma, our boys also learn the blessings of service.

Jason and I have also grown so close since moving here. Nampa was not good for us. We encountered many hurdles while living there, and it was a blessing to leave those in the past. Last year, we were able to get up every morning and spend the morning getting ready for work together. We had weekly lunch dates, which we both loved. We also have found joy in exercising together. We love to take long walks through the beautiful streets of Logan. Through my schooling last year, Jason came to my rescue so many times. He helped with the house and with the boys. He listened to me when I was down and let me cry when my heart was breaking. When he became ill, it was the perfect opportunity for me to give back to him. The one thing I am really good at is caring for sick ones. I have had lots of practice in that area. So when Jason was sick, it was my privilege to care for him. And I must say, I think I did a pretty good job! (0:

I have also been blessed to attend the temple weekly. I never knew how much weekly temple attendance can bless your life. Now I do! I can't believe I lived for so many years without the temple in my life!! Serving in the temple has given me such peace! For the first time in a long time, I feel like I am truly a worthy, important daughter of God. I have come to appreciate all the trials in my life. A day doesn't go by when I don't thank Heavenly Father for Ashley. I thank Him for every day I had with her. I thank Him for every tear we shed, for the change her sweet life wrought upon my heart. She changed my life. She changed my heart. When I am in the temple, I feel so close to her. It is the one place I can talk to her, I can thank her for letting us be her parents. I wish everyone could feel what I feel when I am in the temple. My heart fills with pride when I think of those great pioneers and my own ancestors who worked so hard to build the Logan temple. My personal connection to it has also brought a special love of my ancestors to me. I feel so happy right now. I love being on the Lord's side. When you put Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ first in your life, there is such peace that comes. Even amidst trials and tribulations, you KNOW you are not alone. You can feel the divine purpose of each and every challenge. I have come to appreciate all the hard times. I want nothing more than to do all I can so that one day, I can be in the Celestial Kingdom with my family. I love my family so much! I love my parents, my brothers and sisters, my aunts, uncles and cousins. I have such a rich heritage, and I will not fail it!!!

Tuesday May 17, 2011

Boy, it has been forever since I wrote in my blog last. Life got busy for a while, but now school is over and summer fun is rolling in. What an amazing year this has been for our family. I never dreamed we would be where we are today. I have loved every minute of school. My last semester was tough, and I had to be vigilant every second of every day to get through all the work, but I did it! And to top it off, I pulled another 4.0!! I was so proud of myself. I can't wait to continue on in my major. I have also throughly enjoyed my job at the school. That too has been a huge blessing in my life. I love the children I work with. I love the social interaction I have with the other paras. I love feeling like I have something I can contribute to this world. Don't take me wrong. I love being a mom, but for a long time, I didn't think think I had any skills. I have come to realize I can work with kids, and I am good at it. It has built my confidence up, and helped me to find my career path. I have been so blessed!

Our boys are doing well. For the most part, they are happy. Austin is still struggling with his ADHD. We put him back on his medication three months ago. Even with medication, he is very impulsive and often makes bad choices. He was going to counseling at the school, but I am not so hip on the school counselor here. He is a great person, but he isn't a behavior counselor. I am still in the process of finding another counselor who can help Jason and I with Austin. I am so scared if we don't help him now, before he is a teenager, we will lose him later on. Sometimes he makes me so angry, I don't want to be around him. He bullies his brothers. He takes off and I have no idea where he went. It is so hard at times! But I know with guidance from Heavenly Father, we will be able to find the help we need for our son.

Spencer is doing better as well. We had several months when he suffered from horrific stomach aches. After a few doctor visits, we found a medication which helped him. He also began seeing the counselor at school. Again, I don't think the counselor helped much. Spencer was clearly suffering from anxiety. I know it. I have it myself, and he exhibited every sign. I think I did more for him than anyone else did, only because I have walked this path myself. Fortunately, Spencer is feeling better. He stays every day for lunch now. For a long time, I brought him home for lunch every day. Thankfully, he feels happy and safe at school. He is making friends. I know Heavenly Father is watching over him.

Preston just turned 8. He will be baptized in June. I can't believe how grown up Preston is. He is very independent, much like Austin. Sometimes you can see the influence Austin has had on him. I pray every day Jason and I will set a good example for our sons. I want them to grow up loving the gospel! I want them to be good, strong, kind men who serve others and take care of one another.

It has been hard living in Logan. Despite all the good, there have been many struggles. Jason hasn't been well for a very long time. The doctor is blaming his fatigue, headaches, stomach problems, dizzy spells, and general malaise on the concussion he had a month ago. While I can see how that concussion made his symptoms worse, I feel his problems go deeper than that. He was not feeling well even before his fall. I am waiting until the end of this week and then I am taking him back to the doctor. I get so frightened that something is wrong with him. He is my rock! I lean on him for everything! There is no way I would have survived school without his constant love and support. He picked up all the pieces I couldn't. He cleaned the house and took care of the boys. He ran errands and encouraged me when I was down. I need him in my life. I just want him to be okay. I worry he is not.

As for myself, I don't feel the greatest. I started exercising last week. It has been a very long time since I did. My stupid head was giving me such fits, I couldn't. It is still bothering me, but at least I can exercise. I love the way exercise makes me feel!! It definitely helps with the depression. I have had such a fight with that! I feel bad when I get down. I know I have so much to be thankful for. When those downer moments hit, I bottom out, bad! I can't see anything positive! I don't feel like anyone likes me. It is insane! I have to reach and pull to get myself up again. Sometimes it takes a few days for that to happen. YUCK!

I think about Ashley every day. She was such a wonderful part of our lives. I can't believe how long it has been since she died. It seems like yesterday we had her funeral and said our final goodbyes. I had an interesting conversation at school not long ago that bothered me. We were talking about losing children, and the difference between sudden death and a predictable one. It was the consensus of the group that sudden death was way harder that a predicted one. I have never experienced the sudden death of a child. I pray I never have to. I have no idea what that experience would be like. But there is one thing I know: death hurts no matter what. The pain is still the same. While sudden death is traumatic and shocking, and there isn't time for final goodbyes like the one we had, predictable death is just as hard. I had to sit and watch my daughter slowly die over the course of many months. Every day was a struggle. It was emotionally exhausting in every way! I can't imagine the agony we experienced was easier than if she had suddenly died. It bothered me to think my experience was viewed as a lesser trial. We went through so much in those many months. My beautiful angel struggled so!! She was such a trooper! I wouldn't trade my time with her for anything. I learned so much about life, about the gospel, and about myself. I couldn't be more grateful for every hard moment. I have said that so many times. But it is true.

I have decided trials are truly the breadth of life. They keep us humble. They keep us focused on what truly matters. Over the past few months, I have had many times when I felt weak, unimportant, insignificant, and alone. But when I remember the courage our family had, the courage I had, during those last months of Ashley's life, I am so proud of myself. We survived. We grew so close. The spirit filled our home. I pray that we will always keep that spirit with us. I loved the way I felt in the days following Ashley's passing. I know the Holy Ghost filled my heart with peace. We were not alone. We are never alone in this life. Oh if everyone felt that spirit of peace! It is so comforting! (0:

Monday March 7, 2011

I don't have much time. I never have much time these days. My heart is very full tonight, and I need to write down my feelings. Last Thursday marked 1 year since our beautiful angel passed peacefully from this life into the next. As I reflected back over that experience, re-reading blog posts, looking at her funeral pictures, the emotions of those days flooded back into my heart. It was such a heart-braking time for our family. She was so ill, and she had no quality of life left. Yet through it all, she still smiled. She had an unshakeable faith, a quiet calm, that in death, a glorious world awaited her. She was never afraid. She always worried about others. I still remember, on the last night I spent with her, how worried she was about me. She was so sick all night long, and I stayed up with her most of the night with her. I remember her saying, "Mom, I am so sorry I am keeping you awake. You are going to be so tired tomorrow. Please, just lay down and get some sleep." There she was, laying in complete agony, barely able to breathe, and she was worrying about her mom. She was such a sweetheart!! She was my angel.

Sometimes I wonder if I really did all I could for her. Did I tell her I loved her enough? Did I hug her and hold her enough? Did I say all I wanted to say before I couldn't speak face to face with her anymore? Oh how I would give anything for five minutes with her. I want to know what her life is like now. I want to feel that reassurance once again that she is happy and that she knows how much we miss and love her. I want her to know she changed my life. She gave me a reason for living. She gave me a boost of spiritual power I would never have gained in any other way. She cemented our family together. There are so many lives she touched. I don't think we will ever know the scope of her influence. She was a missionary, even after death.

To commemorate her life, we all took last Thursday off from work and school. We went to Salt Lake. We stayed in a motel, and took the boys swimming. They LOVED that. The next morning, we all went to the aquarium in Sandy. Ashley loved fish and sea creatures. In fact, when she was two, the Make a Wish Foundation granted her a wish, and her wish was to go to Sea World in California. She got to see the big whales and dolphins. It was so fun! It was a neat experience to be in that aquarium, remembering our trip to San Diego.

For lunch, we ate in Chuck a Rama. That was Ashley favorite place to eat. Every time we went to the doctor in Salt Lake, that was where she wanted to eat. The boys told Jason and I that we had to eat their, in her honor. So that was what we did.

After lunch, we went up to Primary Children's Hospital. Dr. Etheridge took time out of her busy schedule so we could see her. It was so comforting to be with Ashley's beloved doctor. Dr. Etheridge did so many wonderful things for Ashley over the course of her lifetime. She worked miracle after miracle. She was always kind and considerate of Ashley's feelings. There were many times when she called Jason and I after the appointments, so we could discuss Ashley's prognosis in private, where it wouldn't upset Ashley. We love Dr. Etheridge with all our hearts!! We love Primary Children's Hospital. It is a heavenly place, and I know there are angels there, watching over all the sick children who must stay there. If you sit and listen and feel while you walk down the halls of the hospital, you can feel them. When we went to see our friend's son at the hospital, who had endured a very painful operation, I felt them then. I know there were angels watching over Britton. They were with him like they were with my Ashley.

While the pain lingers, I know Heavenly Father has been so merciful to our family. We have had blessing after blessing. It hasn't been an easy road for sure. Moving to Logan has been hard. I have struggled a lot. I have cried a lot. Jason has struggled. He has shed tears too. Our wonderful sons have struggled. I have come to understand that life will never be easy. Sometimes we hurt. Sometimes it feels like a black cloud of despair is hanging over our heads. We feel like we will never escape. But every trial, every challenge, every heartache, makes us strong. It helps us grow into strong, humble spiritual beings, ready to take our place with our Father in Heaven. While I wish I still had my angel girl, and I will always have a hole in my heart because I can't have her on Earth with me anymore, I am so thankful for this trial, for this experience. I can see and appreciate things I couldn't. Life has a new meaning for me and for my family. We have something to strive for. I am not sure where our road will lead us. But I know as long as we are a close, strong family, we can face anything and we will survive!! Family is everything! I am so grateful for my husband, whom I love with all my heart. He makes my days bright. He lifts my burdens and heals my wounded heart. I am so thankful for my dear sons. They are so delightful, even when they fight. They keep my days interesting for sure! (0: I know Heavenly Father is watching over our family. We will keep moving forward, faith in our hearts, looking to our Savior for strength and comfort. It always comes.