Jason has been a mess over the past few days. He is not happy. He doesn't like his new job. He isn't selling like he wants to. His back has been paining him. His self-esteem is in the gutter. When he gets like this, he becomes, pardon the term, like an icy, cold robot. He doesn't speak or smile. He hides out in his office. He doesn't want any interaction with anyone. There are no warm vibes coming from him. I know I haven't been meeting his needs lately. I am not sure I ever meet his needs. But with him like he is, I can't talk to him. I knew from the get go he wouldn't go to church today. I had no problem with him staying home. But today, I really needed him with me. PLEASE don't take me wrong, I love Jason with all my heart!! He is a WONDERFUL man, in every way. However, he has skeletons from his past that have seriously damaged him as an adult. He is very insecure. There isn't one day that he doesn't think I am going to divorce him. He makes comments all the time like, "You love me, for now." or "You are with me, but someday you will find a better man." He can't trust in a lasting relationship. He also completely shuts down emotionally. That is his defense. When things hurt too much, he shuts then off, puts them somewhere he doesn't have to feel them. I watched him do that after Ashley died. He is most certainly doing it again now. I have to work so hard to break down the walls and find a way to get inside. Most of the time, I fail. I can't get to him. I think that is one of the biggest driving forces to me studying psychology. I know it will help me with Jason. He has so much hurt locked inside. It is so unhealthy for him! I am hoping someday I will be able to get him the help that I know he needs, so he can feel emotions again. The Jason tangent is just one of my concerns. Please, PLEASE don't anyone ever say anything about this to him. If he knew I was venting on the blog, he would KILL me. I just hope a small explaination of things will help other understand him a little better. At first, one might take him as standoffish. But it is just his defenses. He isn't really like that.
Okay, so back to the issue at hand. I miss my girl. I miss her smile. I miss her laugh. I miss her sweet, loving, compassionate nature. I miss buying her clothes. I miss putting on jam music and watching her wiggle her little, non-existent bum. I miss the special bond I had with her. I couldn't help reflecting back on a conversation she and I had not too long before she died. We were talking and reading about the spirit world and how wonderful it would be for her. She would finally be free from all her worldly cares and pains. Her comment back to me,"It isn't fair mommy that I will be in heaven and be so happy and you have to be stuck here on earth!" She was such a sweetheart!! It was always about others, even at the very hour of her emminent death, she was more concerned with my comfort than with her own pain. I would give anything to hold her in my arms for even five minutes! Today my entire body hurts from head to toe I miss her so badly!
Right now, Austin and Preston aren't helping matters. They are constantly quarrleing and disobeying me. No matter how I treat them, what tone I use to talk to them, they push me to the limits. I know Austin needs his ADHD medication again. He can't think at all. He is struggling so much! I feel horrible about it. It is my fault he is such a mess. I chose to stop his former medication. Instead of consulting with the medication lady, I made my own decision. Part of the reason I did was because I disliked her so much! She was always so mean and critical to me. When I suggested a change of medication previously, because of the side effects Austin was having, she told me it was my fault Austin was awake so late at night. She said I was letting him sleep too long. It wasn't the medicine at all. It was me. If I woke him up at 7:00 every morning, despite him being awake until 3:00, he would go to bed ontime. I am not kidding! She basically told me we had exhausted every medication option. I felt trapped in the situation. It was such a relief to have Austin finally be able to go to sleep by 10:00 at night. Once we stopped the meds, the dizzy spells and headaches and stomach problems and sleeping problems stopped. Of course now, even though those side effects are gone, he is impulsive all over again. We have a whole new pit of problems. He isn't happy. I met with the school counselor at Woodruff on Friday to discuss Austin with him. He is going to start working with Austin at school. He also gave me the names of doctors who deal with ADHD kids so we can re-start Austin's meds. I just want my son to be happy and tolerable! I am sure we will get there.
Spencer is just a sweet, kind soul. I am so thankful he was given to me. He is just like Ashley. Same temperment. Same compassion and selflessness. He is the one who makes me feel like I am acutally doing something right as a mom. The other boys: well, perhaps if I fast and pray every day until they go on their missions, they will be alright! Ha ha ha! No, I think they will be alright. I have to be constantly vigilant about teaching them between right and wrong. And love them unconditionally. Hopefully, some little thread of truth will be implanted in their souls.
So it is all a mishmash in my head. Jason. Austin. Preston. Spencer. Work. School. Ashley. Challenges make us strong, right!!!! (0: Shedding tears isn't bad. Feeling like a failure is common. Husbands being reclusive can be normal. Just got to remember the eternal perspective. I am so grateful I understand it now. I am so grateful for everyting I have learned over the past year, for how precious the gospel of Jesus Christ is to me. I will survive! One footstep at a time.