What a Special Weekend! (0:

I can't believe it has been two years since we lost our special angel. It doesn't seem like it has been that long. It seems like yesterday she was a tiny baby, struggling to begin her life in this crazy world. In the blink of an eye, she was a elegant, generous, loving, compassionate 12 year old, eager to enter the grown-up world. It was so fun to start the journey into womanhood with her. On her 12th birthday, she was so excited to start wearing makeup. I told her I would teach her after she turned 12. We had so much fun buying makeup and experimenting with it on her. She was such a beautiful little gal. (0: I am so glad I had that last summer with her, before she really started going downhill. She and I had so many fun times, doing mommy-daughter things. I realize now, that time was such a blessing from Heavenly Father. It was a peaceful time, the calm before the storm. But what a great gift to be given those few weeks when she was able to smile, laugh, shop, and talk with her mommy! (0: I miss that so much now! I will lock those beautiful memories forever in my heart!!

Her very last stay at Primary Children's was quite an experience. At that time, she had a double lumin PICC line put in. She was fighting with protein losing enteropathy, and was very sick. They were trying hard to do all they could for her, but we knew her life would not go on for much longer. I remember learning how to change her IV bags and learning how to care for her PICC line. It was so scary at first! But she and I became quite a team. I learned how to care for my little girl, and I feel so privileged that I was the one who cared for her every moment of every day until she passed. I look back on that time, and I treasure every single second. I never left her side. I can say I have no regrets. I loved her the very best I could. Her dad loved her the best he could. Our family survived together. We stood by her and loved her until her last breath. I know she left this life knowing she was a gift to us. She left knowing how much her family, her extended family, and her friends loved her. I will be eternally grateful to everyone that helped and supported us through that awful dark time. It was so hard, but with great faith and loving friends and family, we were able to keep moving forward. We continue to move forward, looking ahead to each new and exciting day. Ashley would want that. She would want us to smile and laugh, to enjoy every moment of being alive. I know she watches over us, and over all those she loved so much. She is never far away. Sometimes I long to cuddle her in my arms just for one more second. I long to run my fingers across her cheeks and through her soft hair, just like she always liked me to do when she was suffering so. She is truly my inspiration to live the best life I can. I want to be where she is someday, with my sweet boys and my amazing husband, reunited eternally, never to be separated again. What a glorious day that will be!!!

So this weekend, in honor of our beautiful angel, we were blessed to travel to Salt Lake. We let our boys choose out what they wanted to do that their sister would have done if she were alive. We ended up going to the Hill Air Force Base Airplane museum. We took her there one time, and it was so fun. (0: We also went up to Primary Children's and walked around the hospital, remembering all the times we spent in various places. We went to cardiology. We ate lunch in the cafeteria. We also donated some toys to cardiology in her memory. It was so wonderful to be back in that amazing hospital. I know there are angels who walk those halls. When you walk inside, you can feel them. I know they are real. They watch over the precious children there. I felt them as we were walking around. I know they watched over Ashley numerous times over the years. I know they are there still. Primary Children's is truly a bit of heaven on earth. It will forever hold a special place in our hearts.

After the hospital, we went to the Discovery Gateway Children's Museum. The boys had a blast there. I will say though, it is not a place for older children. It is mostly activities for children 8 and younger. Despite that, it was fun, and we all had a great time. (0:

After the museum, we ended up in Murray at the Fashionplace Mall. My sister, Tammy and I ended up a Build-A-Bear and decided to build a bear in Ashley's honor. We chose out the perfect pink diva bear and decked her out in the most darling outfits. We found the perfect sparkly shoes Ashley would have LOVED! We also found the most darling crown and wand to complete her diva ensemble. It was so much fun! (0: What a great way to remember our Miss Sassy Pants! (0:

We were going to go eat at Chuck-A-Rama after the mall, but it was so crowded, we decided to go for IHOP. We had to pick one of Ashley's favorite eating destinations. Thankfully, IHOP wasn't busy. We had a wonderful dinner, laughing and talking, enjoying the time as a family. Of course, the boys were eager to get to the motel. We stayed at a fantastic Fairfield Inn, with a perfect swimming pool. The rest of the evening, we swam and swam and swam. I think they boys would have been happy swimming for the entire day! (0: They truly loved that the most. After swimming, it was ice cream and bed for all of us. We were beat!

This morning, we were blessed with the opportunity to go to Temple Sqauare and see the tablernacle choir. Our boys have never had that experience. It was the perfect Sunday to be at the broadcast. The orchestra performed with the choir, as did the bell choir. What a magnificient program! We left feeling uplifted and full of peace. We spent some more time, walking around Temple Square before leaving for home.

I am eternally grateful for the gospel of Jesus Christ. I know it is true, with every fiber of my being. I am so thankful for temples, and for the sacred work that goes on in the temple. I am so thankful for my eternal companion, who makes every day worth living. I am so thankful for our temple marriage, for the knowledge that as long as we live the best life we can, we will be a family forever! Ashley will be ours! Someday we will see her again. We will hold her and cuddle and love her. We will know every single struggle in this life was worth it. We lived a good life. We fought a good fight, and we can finally rest from our cares and troubles, never to be separated again. I am so thankful for a living prophet who leads and guides us today. I always feel the spirit so strongly when I listen to him speak. He is such a wonderful man!! I love the Book of Mormon. It is true!! The peace I feel when I read it keeps me going each and every day. I am so thankful for my family. I have the best family EVER! My parents and siblings mean everything to me. I love them all! I am so glad we all get along so well and we are always there for one another. I would be lost without my family! What a blessing to have the parents I do. They are the best examples of Christ-like living that I know. Most of all, I am so grateful for the opportunity to have had one of heaven's most valiant spirits. I learned so much from Ashley. She was truly patient in her many afflictions. Her testimony was rock solid. Her heart was as good as a heart can be. She filled our lives with blessings. I continue to see more blessings as time goes on. She forever changed my heart and my life. I will never be the same person I once was. I am stronger. I am more humble. She gave me the valiant testimony I longed to have. She made us all appreciate our eternal family. I hope in her heavenly sphere, she knows just how loved she is!! I hope she knows what a difference her life made to so many lives, not just her immediate family.

A Beautiful Sunday

I am not going to write much today. But I have had so many blessings come my way this week, I wanted to write about them all. Last weekend, I knew this week would be busy. We had several activites on the calendar. When I looked at my school schedule, and all that was due, I felt instantly sick. Seriously, five tests, a geology assignment, a stats assignment, 6 chapters to read to prepare for those tests, 8 lectures and two videos to watch. I looked at the available time to complete those tasks and didn't see any way I would survive. As menitoned previously, I have to get high grades so I can get into graduate school. Honestly, even if I wasn't going on to grad school, I would want to get as good of grades as I was capable of. It's just now, I know I need A's. I prayed so hard last Sunday. I told Heavenly Father I was maxed out. I was trying hard to make every moment of the day count. I tried hard not to waste any time. I asked him to help me get through this week, without losing my mind. (0: I was given my own miracle. My geology assignment that normally takes me three to four hours to complete, took just under and hour, reading time included. I was able to get everything done for my abnormal psychology class. Even given the limited study time I had for the chapter, I remember what I needed to on both the quiz and the test. That was not a coincidence. I finished up the six chapters for my Abuse and Neglect class and was able to take the test without hours of additional study time. I remember what I needed to. What a miracle that was! We ended up with no school on Friday and again, tomorrow, (Monday). My wonderful sister took Austin and Preston to Burley. Without all my kids here, I have flown through my stats readings, lectures, and assignments. I still have to complete two tests for that class, but I don't feel the all encompassing panic I felt last Sunday night. Heavenly Father heard my prayers. He helped me climb all the mountains this week. Now I am in the valley on the other side, and even though there are hurdles left, they don't seem so big. With God, NOTHING is impossible. But we have to do our part. We have to ask for the help we need and then we have to trust in Him, nothing wavering. We have to do all in our power so he can help us. I tried so hard to do that! I did! I read, I worked, I prayed. And he answered! I am so thankful I know he is always there for us and that he hears and answers our prayers!!!!

Finally a second to write! (0:

Wow! Today is February 1! I can't believe how quickly time has flown! I wanted to update my blog a long time ago, but I haven't had time. As it happens, I am really sick today. I got a stupid cold, which has decided to attack my entire body. YUCK!!! I didn't want to stay home today, but I felt so awful, I didn't have the strength to go to work. Not only that, but I have a full week. Life doesn't stop when you feel like dirt! (0: I figure I have one day to rest and then I have to hit my work load hard again!

My schedule this semester is tough. All my classes are involved classes. Usually there is at least one class per semester that is easier than the rest. This semester, that isn't the case. My biggest problem is that I have so many other things to do, I don't get a good run at my homework until late evening. By that time, I am tired and ready to crash. It doesn't make for a good study session for sure. That being said, I LOVE school! I LOVE psychology! I am learning so many fun things. I thank Heavenly Father every day for the wonderful opportunity to be in school. It isn't easy, but I will definitely say it has been worth every second! (Ok, so ask me that after five nights in a row of late night study sessions and early morning study sessions!) I feel in my being I am on the right career path. There is certainly a time and a season in everyone's life for education, family, etc. This happens to be my time and season for education. My kids are in school. Without Ashley, I don't have a reason to be home anymore. It helps me so much to be busy. I love my job!!! The kids I work with at school are amazing! I also work with amazing people. They are such a big help to me when I am planning my weekly lesson plans.

I am actually grateful I am sick today. I have been running so hard for the past couple of weeks, my body was wearing thin. My scripture time has been pathetic. My prayers haven't been sincere, especially when I say them as I fall exhausted into bed at midnight after a long night of studying! (0: Being sick has given me the chance to slow down and examine my priorities, to look at all the wonderful blessings that are in my life. I am certainly humbled to the dust, feeling as sick as I do, and it is such a great reminder of my dependence on my wonderful Father in Heaven, and His mercy and love that have been poured upon me and upon my family in the past year.

So what is new with the Winn Family? Well, last month Spencer ended up having surgery on his knee. That is the most exciting event I have to report. Spencer's knee had been hurting for a while. I knew something was wrong with it, but we didn't have insurance. I had applied for CHIP, but it seemed like every time we turned around, some little thing held up our application process. Fortunately, we were so blessed that CHIP came at the right time. I got Spencer in to a specialist, and we discovered he had a growth under his knee cap. They removed the growth and now, Spencer is doing great. His surgery went well. He was in minimal pain. He has gone to therapy one time, and his knee is moving almost normally now. I couldn't have asked for a better experience with surgery. Compared to what we went through with Ashley, this was a breeze! (0: Jason's wonderful dad and Kimberly sacrificed their entire day to come to the hospital on the day of Spencer's surgery. As usual, Grandpa and Grandma spoiled Spencer rotten! (0: They came bearing gifts for all the boys, and for Jason and I too. We were soooooo thankful to have Grandpa and Grandma Winn with us. Grandma Bell and my parents kept in close contact the entire day. All of my siblings called to check in on us. My ward brought us food. We were so blessed to be surrounded by angels who made a hard time easy to bear. (0:

I feel so richly blessed over the past couple of months. As mentioned previously, December was a very difficult month for me. My emotions were all over the board. I was stressed, tired, depressed, and anxious. Over Christmas Break, I made a conscious effort to really stay close to Heavenly Father. I read some amazing books that really touched my heart. I was able to go to the temple, which filled my heart with peace. I made an effort to make my prayers as meaningful as possible. All of those things helped me so much. I also had several opportunities to serve those around me. I can't tell you how strongly I feel the spirit when I am helping others. We have had so many people do nice things for our family over the past several years. I want so much to pay it forward and to be close enough to the spirit to know what I can do to pay it forward. I have listened to the promptings of the Holy Ghost, and I have been the beneficiary of oodles of blessings that have come from listening and acting on those promptings.

Life is a raging storm for sure. You never know from one moment to the next what may happen, what trial may come, what stumbling block may trip you on your journey back to Heavenly Father. I know one thing for sure, I want to be worthy in every way to one day be enfolded in the arms of our Savior!! I want to stand before Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and be able to tell them I did my part. I lived the best I could. I served the best I could. I endured the temptations of Satan, and became a better person because of what I learned from those experiences. Most of all, I want to be able to hold my little girl again! I miss my Ashley every second! She was such an angel! I wish everyone could have known her. She was such a happy, sparkly young lady. She taught me so much. Someday, I am going to write a tribute to her life. Mark my words, it will be done! (0: I want everyone to know what an angel she was. Her influence can be felt to this day. She changed my heart. She made me realize what was truly important. I am by far, NOT a perfect person. I have made so many mistakes in my life. But being blessed with such a valiant, perfect spirit makes me want to overcome all my weaknessess. It makes me want to be a little better every day. It gives me the strength to keep moving forward, even when the dark storms of life seem to overtake my whole body and soul. Faith in every footstep! That is my motto! One day at a time. One minute at a time. Sometimes, one second at a time. We will make it thorugh this life and then what wonderful blessings will await!!! (0:

A Heartfelt Apology

Well, I did it again! I royally screwed up! I deeply offended some of my dear family members. What breaks my heart is that I didn't even realize I hurt my family. It was an honest to goodness mistake! I didn't even realize what I had done until my sweet husband brought it to my attention this afternoon. It ruined my day! I feel AWFUL!! I havne't stopped crying since. You see, I am trying so hard to be the best person I can be. I have had so many wonderful spiritual experiences over the past couple of weeks. My heart has been overflowing with happiness and peace. I have felt an overwhelming desire to right every wrong in my life, and to recommit myself to the gospel. Then came this blow today. Amongst all the good efforts I have made, I still brought sadness to someone I love very much. I hope my dear family will know how sorry I am. I will do ALL in my power to right the wrong. I hope in time, they will forgive me. I am human, and I make mistakes. I think this is one of the biggest I have made in a long time. I hope it won't scar my relationship with my family in the future. They are such an important part of our lives!!!!

In a former blog post, I sent out a huge thank you to all of the Christmas elves who made our Christmas special this year. When I did that, I failed to mention some very important family members who contributed more than everyone else to our family this year. This isn't the first time they have helped us out. There have been numerous times they have come to our rescue. They have sacrificed precious time to come and visit our family, even though the drive was far and the sacrifice was great. They helped us move. When we moved to Logan, it was my father-in-law and brother-in-law who drove all the way from Evanston to help us make the move. It was NOT an easy venture. They worked all night long, and then had to return home the next morning for work. When Ashley was the sickest, these wonderful family members drove hundreds of miles to be by her side. I need to mention these special family members are my in-laws. I feel bad I haven't mentioned their great sacrifices before. You have to know, Ashley had an extra special love for her grandfather. She was his princess, and she always knew it. Whenever he came to see the grandkids, he always came bearing the most fun gifts. From candy to stuffed animals to remote control cars, he has been such a loving and Christ-like grandfather to all of our kids. He was always at the hospital each time Ashley had to stay. When he came to her room, he never-fail came bearing the most elaborate gifts for her. I still remember the time he gave her a giant purple care-bear. She treasured that great big bear! It was a favorite toy for a very long time. He also brought her a great big horse. There have been coloring activities, paints, books, pictures, movies, etc. I can't begin to name all of the things he gave to our angel. There was a special bond between them. I know when she passed on, she was sad to leave her grandfather.

This Christmas, my father-in-law again came to our rescue. I think he bought out the toy department at numerous stores. The boys were spoiled rotten. It wasn't just the boys who were spoiled. I also received some wonderful gifts. In addition to all the presents, my father made sure we had several hundred dollars in our pocket. He made sure we knew there was more of that if we needed it. I was so touched, as was Jason!!! I honestly NEVER ever meant to forget to mention my father. He is such a good man. There are so many stories of his selfless service given to those in need. He once shared with us a story about a lady who sold fruit at a stand in Evanston one summer. She wasn't selling much, and seeing her great need, he made sure he stopped by her stand and bought tons of boxes of fruit from her. She was so grateful!! I know he made her summer.

Another time, my father, knowing how much I love whippets, worked for a lady all summer long so he could purchase a whippet statue from her. He traded work for the statue, and it was not easy work. He then drove to Nampa to give it to me. My father is a wonderful man, and we love him so very much. I know Ashley loves him too. Every chance she gets, I know she sends hugs to him. I know she would want him to know how much we appreciate all the gifts, money, and time he has sacrificed so our family would know we are loved!!!! Thanks to my dear father in law, his wife, Kimberly, and their two children, Geni and Nick, who are also guardian angels to our family. We love you so much! I hope you always know how much we treasure your love and friendship!!!

My Own Christmas Miracle

I miss my little girl. It has been almost two years now since she left this life for the next. You would think time heals all wounds. Pain fades with time, but it never leaves your heart. When you love someone so much, and they die, there is a huge hole that remains. It doesn't go away. You never know when that hole will begin to hurt. You never know when the pain will wash over you. It might be a song on the radio. It might be a toy in a toy store. It might be a song in church. When it comes, it hurts so much! For the longest time, I felt it was a sign of weakness to be sad, to show my emotions. I felt I was weak because I was depressed. But you know what? I have learned it is okay to cry. I am NOT weak because I get sad. I am not weak because I struggle with depression. These are normal ways of dealing with grief. It is all part of the healing process. I didn't understand that. I once had a lady tell me about her friend, who had lost a child to cancer. This lady said how her friend was always so happy and cheerful. She didn't cry. She carried on with a big grin on her face every day. I immediately went home and felt like the worst person in the world. I wondered if I was being a baby because I wasn't smiling all the time. I wondered if I lacked faith because I felt depressed. I wondered if I was silly for watering my pillow at night with my tears. This Christmas, I learned so much about faith, hope, and grief. It all began shortly before Christmas. I received a package in the mail from my wonderful aunt. She sent me two books: "The Christmas Box" and "The Christmas Box Miracle". I read the Christmas Box years and years ago. I didn't even remember the story. I decided to read The Christmas Box Miracle first. I devoured it in two days. Each time I opened the book, I felt the spirit fill my heart. I felt peace and I felt comfort. It was a reminder to me of how very much our Heavenly Father is mindful of all who have lost children in this world. The story of the Christmas Box was a gift given to Richard Paul Evans to bring comfort to grieving hearts around the world. I know this to be true. It was crazy, but as I read of the wonderful experiences Richard Evans had as he promoted his book, and letters he has received since, I felt a connection to those people. For the first time in a long time, I felt understood. I was overcome with a desire to visit one of his special angel statues. I felt by doing so, I would find another place where I could truly grieve and heal my broken heart.

Now for the true miracle of this Christmas. I told Jason I didn't need anything for Christmas. He was determined to get me a little something. He said he had gone to the Hallmark store to look for something uplifting for me. He found a special statue of a couple which he really liked. As he continued to browse the store, he stumbled across an angel statue. He said he was so taken with the statue, he looked at it several times. In the end, he decided, in honor of our December 22 anniversary, to get me the couple statue. When he went to the counter to check out, the lady went to the back to get item he requested. When she returned to the front, she opened the box to make sure it was the right statue. Inside the box, instead of the statue, was the angel!!! The lady couldn't explain it. But Jason knew. I needed that angel statue. He bought it for me. When I opened it on Christmas day, I was overcome with emotion. It was like Ashley came and gave me a huge bear hug!!! I felt her near, and that feeling did not leave me the entire day. I didn't need to go to Richard Paul Evan's angel shrine. I had one of my own. It was the best gift I could have ever received. (0: I knew it was my own special Christmas miracle. Ashley wanted us to know she was near. What a wonderful blessing!!!!

December 29, 2011

I can't believe it is almost 2012! My how time flies! The past couple of weeks have been wonderful! I am so proud to say my hard work paid off last semester. Once again, through the miraclous power of the Holy Ghost, I passed all my classes with A's. I could not have done it alone, especially Stats. I can't describe the feeling when I finished my last final. I felt like a 200 pound rock had been lifted off my body. It was great! In addition to that, the bishop told me I was going to be released as Cubmaster. That too lifted a tremendous burden off of my person. I enjoy the calling, but it has not been easy for me. I am glad to pass it along to the next person.

As I mentioned before, Christmas is hard for me. Jason and I were so stressed this year. Our financial situation has not been great. We are plugging along, barely surviving paycheck to paycheck. Honestly, we did not know how we would have any money for Christmas. Our savings was depleted. We don't have anything of value to sell. Jason is a gifted salesman. He could sell a pound of dirt if he wanted to. (0: However, you can't sell what you don't have. We sat our kids down and told them there wouldn't be much this year. They all agreed that was alright. We talked quite a bit about all the good things we do have. There are so many! I was so grateful my children were able to see them as well.

The closer we got to Christmas, the more blessings came our way. It all began with a knock on our door one afternoon. It was our bishop. He had been given money anonimously, to give to a family in the ward. He felt the money should be given to us. I was speechless. In addition, the same day, my younger siblings put their money together and sent Jason and I money for Christmas. Two nights after that, our doorbell rang about 9:30 p.m. We discovered an envelope with money taped to our door. In addition, there were three gifts for the boys. The next morning, our doorbell rang again. There stood a woman we did not know. She filled our porch with groceries and left two sacks full of presents for the boys. The only thing she said was that it was from someone who loved us. That night, our doorbell rang again. By this time, we were scared to open the door. (0: Another envelope full of money was taped to the door. All I could do was cry! Because of the generosity of others, our family had a wonderful, simple Christmas. Our fridge and freezer are currently stocked with food. We were able to put a little money back into savings. It was our own special miracle! I knew Heavenly Father was mindful of our little family. We weren't insignificant. We were important. The windows of heaven were opened and the blessings were poured on our family. I don't know who the special elves were who reached out to us. Even if we knew, how can you ever thank someone for such generosity? You can't. We will forever be in their debt. It was a lift we needed. It was a lift I needed. Miracles do happen today. In those moments when we need a lift, if we reach out to our Father in Heaven, He will answer our prayers. He will send his angels to attend to our needs. The angels came. And we were blessed.

Happy Thanksgiving! (Nov 24, 2011)

I haven't blogged in forever, and I feel I need to. So much has happened over the past little while. I need to catch up.

Life for me right now is hard. Not that it isn't hard for anyone else. Everyone has their own struggles and burdens. This I know. For me personally, this is a time of testing once again. As I mentioned in a previous blog, Austin was struggling at Mount Logan Middle School. It wasn't just his grades. He was physically ill every day. He was cutting himself, and he developed an ulcer from the worry and stress he was experiencing. I saw how hard school was for him, and I made a pretty rash decision: to pull him out and enroll him in the Utah Virtual Academy. It was a good decision. He became a different kid. We are now treating the ulcer and he is feeling 10 times better. He has been so happy with his school work. It is easier for me to keep on top of what he is doing and to guide him in knowing what to do every day. He is already on the honor roll, and his self-esteem grows every day. The only problem with this arrangement is the time involved. As you know, I already have a hefty schedule. With work and school, my time was already scrunched. Not long ago, in addition to my cubmaster calling, I was asked to run our Webelos den. I love the cub scouting program. I believe in what it teaches. I have seen how the boys in our ward have grown through participation. I knew our Webelos were not having den meetings. I didn't want them to end up like Austin: not progressing because of bad leadership. When the ward leaders were unable to find a replacement den leader, I volunteered, thinking it wouldn't be too hard. That was before I knew my son needed me to help him. I have tried so hard to carry all these roles. But unfortunately, I can't keep up with it all. I am crashing and burning, BAD! I don't have time for anything anymore. I go to work, come home, study with Austin, pick my other kids up from school, hang out with them, study, do a little cleaning, fix dinner, and study some more. My exercise time has gone down the tubes. It will be better once my semester is over. This last stretch has been awful. I have several big projects to complete, which I didn't start previously because I had so many other weekly things to do. There wasn't time. Now in addition to the weekly things, I have to fit these projects in and there is only a couple of weeks left to do it in. On top of that, I have Austin's school. On top of that I have two cub scout responsibilities. On top of that, I have visiting teaching and trying to be a helpful friend and neighbor. My husband is also in a vulnerable place and needs lots of TLC. I have tried hard to spend as much time with him as I can. I haven't been to the temple in forever! I am getting up at 5:30 every day to fit in my scripture time. That is hard because I stay up late getting my homework done. I can feel the unbalance in my life. But I am not sure how to gain it back. My body is starting to complain. I feel sick again, like I did when Ashley was dying. That makes me even more discouraged. I don't have time to be less than 100%! Consequently, I am depressed as well. This time of year is always hard for me. It feels stressful every year. I truly meant what I said when I stated I don't like Christmas time. I love what it stands for. I love doing things for other people. I love the opportunity to celebrate the birth of our Savior. But the mechanics, YUCK! Just more things to get done and never enough money to do it with. I always end up feeling tired, sick, and depressed. It has been that way for several years now. It is worse now that we don't have Ashley. I dread taking out the Christmas things. We have so many that remind me of her. I am already sad. I don't need any help! Anyway, it takes me most of the month of January to get feeling like a person again. I just don't like this time of year. Okay, off the Christmas kick now. Something has to go! But what? I feel if I don't carry all these responsibilites, I won't be good enough. I won't measure up. I should be strong enough to handle it all. But at the same time, I am hitting the bottom. I don't like being there. I have been there many times in the past year, and it stinks!!

All that being said, I know there is something to be learned through these experiences. One lesson I feel I still haven't learned is that we all have limits and we have to accept what our individual limits are. Some of us are able to do more than others. And that is fine. As long as we are doing the best we can, that is good enough. Heavenly Father loves us for what we can do, and not what we can't. I have a good friend in Nampa who perfectly understands this concept. She can only handle so much stress in her life and then her fibermyalgia kicks in and she has to step back. Despite her struggles, she manages to keep her life in balance. She serves and loves and lifts and builds as much as she can. She knows her limits and she stays in those limits. She is happy with who she is. Not who she is not. I wish I could be more like her. I am constantly comparing myself with others, especially my older sister, a literal superwoman, who seems to never hit the bottom. I need to be happy with who Connie is, and not who I am not. I really try hard to do all I can. I am giving my all. As you know, I have carried our Cub Scout program on my shoulders for a long time without any support. Some of my pack meetings were dumb. But I did the best with the resources and help I had. I have to learn to accept that I have done my best and that is what matters most. I have to accept that I am not my sister. I don't have her talents and abilities. But at the same time, I have my own strengths. Right now, I can't see them. All I see is that I am barely scraping by from day to day, keeping up with my life. But my strengths are there. I will survive this time. With lots of prayer and faith, I will be able to see what I can let go of, and be okay with that. Heavenly Father will continue to lift me up and help me to deal with life as it comes. Trials keep us humble. They help us keep the eternal perspective in view. I know this. I have learned this so many times in my lifetime. There is one thing I never, EVER want to do again: lose my way and forget what is truly important, who it is who will get me through. I lost my way once, and it was a hellish time in my life. I know I want to be with my family in the celestial kingdom someday. I want to hold my beautiful daughter in my arms again. I miss her so much! I think of her and her example every day. I am so thankful she was given to us. I am so thankful all of my children were given to us. They are so special and they teach me so many things.

So I will keep pressing forward, faith in every footstep!!!!