Saturday January 1, 2011

It is so hard to believe it has been almost a year since we buried our little angel. I wish I could say time dulls the pain. But it doesn't. The ache, the longing to see Ashley's beautiful smile and sparkly eyes, to buy her cute clothes and take her on mommy/daughter outings: it never leaves. It tears at your heart at the most bizzare moments: a dance recital, a grocery store, a church meeting, the doctor's office. I never know what will set me off or make me sad. I have had so many ups and downs over the Christmas holidays, I don't know what to do with myself. Jason probably doesn't either. Thankfully, we survived the holidays. I can't believe I did. Boy, that makes me sound pretty weak, doesn't it? But truly, after Thanksgiving, I didn't know how I was going to face Christmas. Everytime I looked at my Christmas things, my heart broke. It didn't seem right to be celebrating without Ashley. At times, I almost felt guilty for being happy. She suffered so much. I didn't want her to think I had forgotten her. I didn't want her to think because she was gone, life was easier or I was happier. I wanted to keep her with me as much as possible.

Christmas last year was one of sorrow. We knew it was the last time she would be with us. I left up our decorations for a long time after New Year's so Ashley could enjoy them as long as possible. I remember vividly the feelings I felt the day after Christmas, when we started weaning her off her first beta blocker. She was so unafraid. She wanted to return to her Heavenly Father so badly. Her faith was unshakeable. She new what glorious world awaited her. She knew her pain would end. As days stretched into weeks, and weeks into months, with no end to her pain, she continued to be strong. Even in her final moments, she was a brave little soul. She only thought of her mother and my comfort. It was NEVER about her or her pain. NEVER! The one part that I am still so sad about is that I didn't take the time to honor her courage and faith at her funeral. I didn't speak because I didn't think I could. I have regretted that so many times I can't number them anymore. But I can't turn back the clock. It is what it is. We did the best at that time. I know she knows how proud of her we were.

So today, happy Connie isn't so happy. I am a mess. I am starting to get a cold, which is yucky anyway. But I don't think I have made it more than an hour without shedding tears. I don't say that for anyone to feel sorry for me. HECK NO! I know there are tons of people in our world who have lost those they love. There are tons of people who suffer. My heart goes out to everyone who must walk this path of grief, who hurts or aches or cries alone in the dark of the night. It sucks!! Yes, I am using that word!! SUCKS!! Sometimes it hurts so much I want to yell! I want the pain to go away, if even for a short time. But it doesn't. It aches and hurts but life must go on. I have to get out of bed every day. I have to keep smiling and loving and serving, despite the emptiness in my heart. It is at those desperate moments that I plead to a loving Heavenly Father for comfort and strength to keep on going. I thank Him for all the time we did have, for all the memories, for all the laughs and talks. I thank Him for the angels that watched over Ashley and our family. They were there!! I have no doubt of that! There are days when I long to feel them still. There are days when I long to hug my little girl, for even five minutes. One night, not long ago, I dreamed she came back. She was able to spend one day with the family. I held her so tight!! We went for a drive and listened to her favorite jam music. It was so real!! I woke up wishing to be back in that dream. But of course, reality sank in. It was only a dream. She is free of this earth life. There are days when I envy her. How wonderful it would be to be free from cares, pain, and worry!! But then I realize what a gift life is. Life is what you make it. You can sit around feeling sorry for yourself all the time or you can make the best of your situation. You can frown, or you can smile. You can hide, or you can serve. The choice is up to us. I pray I will always make the best of all life gives to me. I don't want to disappoint my family, my angel, or my Heavenly Father. Faith in every footstep, that is what I am striving hard to have, like so many others before me!! And it is so hard, especially on those days when I am depressed and sad and feeling yucky!!

But I know I am not alone. There will always be people to help me along the way. So I keep moving forward........(0: