Sunday April 4, 2010

Do you ever wish you could bottle up the feelings that come with General Conference, to save them for later so you could always carry them with you? That is my wish this evening. I have struggled so much over the past few days. I am sure being sick hasn't helped. I still feel pretty darn yucky. But it isn't that. I am so worried about so many things. I miss my little girl desperately! The past two days have been the worst. I long to have her snuggled up to me. I long to be able to sit on the bed next to her and hold her hand in mine, stroking her wrist and arm. She took such comfort from those mommy touches. I long to have her with me as I run errands. She loved to go with me. We would put on her jam music and off we would go. I went to the store the other day and it was like pulling teeth to get one of the boys to come with me. They were caught up in their own little world, and going with mom was like a punishment. It made me deeply sad inside because I knew if Ashley was there, and she wasn't so awfully sick, she would have been with me. Gladly so.

I need to make a decision about school in the fall. I know I said before that I wanted to attend cosmotology school. I have always wanted to do that. But now I am totally second guessing myself. I have three years of elementary education under my belt. Three years! It is so hard to turn my back on that time I invested. And I love children and teaching. Teachers get awesome insurance benefits and retirement. I would always have the same breaks as my children. I am already worried about the times I would be in school and my boys would be at home. Who would take care of them? Jason will help. I know he will. But his job won't allow him to be home when I am at school. That is a big concern. I want to be there for my boys when they get home from school. My mom always was. Even when she and my dad were teaching, they were there for us. It was the best time to sit and talk. I long for that with my boys. I also want to know our family has insurance to cover our needs. I hate the fact that we don't. I don't feel like we can give our kids as good of care as they deserve. Plus, I don't want to be one of those people who have to work until they are 80 because they don't have a decent retirement. That is very important for Jason and I. We want to serve a mission together someday. We want to travel and serve and be there for our grandkids. So much to think about. I wanted to fast today. I tried, but my stupid antibiotic caused my stomach enough grief I had to abandon that idea. I did keep a constant prayer in my heart. I will have to fast this week. I need to make a decision now. I can't wait or I won't be able to get into school in the fall. AWWWW decisions can be the worst!

On top of all this decision making, I feel horribly depressed. I am not trying to sound like a baby. I know I have lots to be thankful for. I really do. But I miss my daughter and I still have hurt feelings about some things. I feel so lost when it comes to my life. I don't know where to go. I don't feel very confident in my talents, in what I can offer others in the way of service. I could go on and on about how inadequate I feel these days. It won't help, so I won't. I need to know Heavenly Father really does have a place for me in this world. He has a plan for my life, for my family. I know He does. I have to find it again. I want to serve and love and be of use to my family and my friends. It is going to take lots of prayer and fasting and scripture study to gain my confidence back. To not feel like a weakling. Man I feel like one.

Okay, enough of the self pity thing. As you can tell, I am not happy. I am struggling in every way. I feel sick. I feel depressed. I feel lonley. I feel inadequate. But I know I will find my place again. Jason has been so loving to me. I know he is probably feeling beside himself knowing how to help me. Bless his heart, he is such a great man and a fabulous husband. And I truly adore my boys. They are energetic and happy and so full of life. I thank Heavenly Father every day for this truly wonderful family that I have. And not only my family, but my extended family as well. I have so many elite examples to look up to. People who have gone through heart wrenching trials and survived. In fact, I just remembered something I can't ever forget: Merrill Grit!! When we were young, my mother's parents, Grandma and Grandpa Merrill, would remind us all the time how tough we were because we had the Merrill Grit. When we were hurt or down, they would remind us to pull out our Merrill Grit. That meant being tough, having lots of faith, and keep moving forward. I have relied on that grit many times over the course of my life. I can't let my ancestors down by letting a few bumps in my road stop my earthly progression. Anyway, I have lots and lots of work to do on myself. It isn't an easy road, but the end will be better than the beginning. (0: