Sunday May 9, 2010

I am in a very pondering mood today. I have had so many wonderful experiences over the past while. I know the blessings of heaven are upon our family. I was so worried when we first lost Ashley, how I would fill my time. I felt so lost!! Desperately lost!! I knew what I wanted to do, but wanting and doing are two different things. I jumped in whole heartedly at the school, volunteering as much as possible. Being at the school has been such a delight to my heart. I feel home when I am in the classroom. No doubt about it. (0: I have also been blessed to attend the temple, not once, but four times over the past week. I had forgotten what a blessing the temple is. I won't say how many years I went without attending the temple. I never should have stayed away for so long. There is a spirit in the temple like no other. I come out feeling totally uplifted and full of light. I will never, EVER take the temple for granted again. I know where true strength comes from, and I know where to go to escape the burdens of this world. What a blessing to have a temple so close!!

Last week was difficult for me. I found myself missing Ashley at every turn. I found myself longing to hold her in my arms. Everything reminded me of her. I found myself feeling sad for all the things she won't get to do. I would hear about other girls her age, and things they were participating in. I was deeply saddened for the things I will never get to do with my Ashley. I wanted to sit and cry many many times. I did. On Thursday, when I was in the temple, I was sitting in the celestial room, pondering over the last few months of my life. I thought about Ashley, and how very much I missed her. I thought about the temple, and what blessings the temple has brought to our family. I was overcome with gratitude for my temple marriage. I was overcome with gratitude for my wonderful husband, whom I love with all my heart. I was overcome with gratitude for my sons, who make every day worth living. I was most grateful for the privilege of having Ashley given to us. She will never know how much she gave to Jason and I. She will never know how her life changed our hearts forever. I am not the same person now. I will never be the same again. I have a fire inside that will never be quenched. I have a determination to live better than I have ever lived before. I have strength to fight Satan like I never could before. I feel a new excitement for the future. And it was because of her life, and death, that I am becoming the person I always knew I could be. The person I have wanted to be for several years now, but was not strong enough to become. The most amazing part that day, I felt my angel. I felt her like she was right next to me. I felt her saying, "You see Mom, all the struggles weren't in vain. I understand now, and you should too. My life was part of God's plan. God gave me to you for a reason. Now go forth, and LIVE! Live like you never lived before. I will always be close. Someday we will be together again. I love you and Dad and my brothers forever!!" I did not want to leave the celestial room. I felt if I did, I would lose my connection to her. But I was wrong. When you lose someone you love, you always carry them in your heart. In the temple, we are closer to the veil than ever, and it gives us the opportunity to be so close to our dearly departed ones. You do feel them near. But even after I left the temple, I felt her close. I knew she was still with me, cheering me on. I won't ever forget her. Sometimes, when the memories begin to fade a bit, like the sound of her voice, or the feel of her skin, I get scared I will forget part of her. Then I realize, we were blessed with the opportunity, and time, to make many memories of her. We have pictures and videos galore. A couple of weeks ago, I found some videos she made on the computer in our kitchen. I never knew those videos existed, but what a gift to have them now. They were from a time when the sparkle was still in Ashley's eyes, when you could see her spunk and zest for life. What a blessing to have those treasures! I would not have been able to deal with Ashley's death as well as I have without having all those pictures, videos, and fond memories. They keep her bright in my mind. They help me remember the little things I don't want to ever forget.

And so we keep moving forward. I am so glad for this life I have been given. The grief is ever present, but through our Savior, Jesus Christ, I can face the future with faith, hope, and the knowledge, we are NEVER alone. Because of His atonement, death is not the end. He lives still, and our Ashley will too. She will be resurrected and have a perfect body. We will be a family forever!! All because of Him. He is always there!! ALWAYS! He will bear us up when we think we can't take another step. I know this to be true with all my heart and soul. Because of this faith, we are moving forward to the next stage in our lives, righteous desires in our hearts!! Heavenly Father and Jesus will be with us. And now I know, I am worthy in every way, to hear His voice and to fulfill the purpose of my existence. And I am holding tight to those convictions I hold dear, that someday, with unspeakable joy, we will be reunited as an eternal family, in the beautiful world above, rejoicing together, knowing we have done our part. We have lived well. How I long for that day!!! How grateful I am for the gospel of Jesus Christ!!!! It is true!!!!!!