Friday July 23, 2010

Boy has it been a long time since I last wrote. I need to catch up. So many new things have happened to our family. The last time I wrote, I was feeling a little better about the upcoming changes. I know Logan is where we are supposed to be. Since the last entry, Jason went to Denver and began his training with Verizon. I figured out my class schedule and am thrilled to get back into school. We found out the home we are moving to is in a very wonderful ward. My older sister works with our bishop. Dawn is also friends with one of our neighbors whose husband is in the bishop brick. They are asking about our family, and eager to help us settle in. I feel peaceful in every way about this move. The packing is going well. I feel like we have successfully purged our home of unwanted things. I have discovered how much I don't like clutter, and how good I am at throwing things away. (0: I am very excited for the coming future.

Jason left on July 6 for Denver. I wasn't happy to see him go. He and I have throughly enjoyed our time together over the past three months. In a way, it was like a dating all over again. We found a new connection in our marriage. Jason spent lots of time with the boys. They loved that!! It was a blessing to have that time with him before he went back to work. I have to admit, I was nervous to have him gone, considering my head problems are not solved yet. But I fasted and prayed the weekend before his departure. I pleaded with Heavenly Father that during his absence, I would be alright. My head would stay normal. I wouldn't be plagued by dizziness. In only a hour or so, Jason will return from Denver. It has been three weeks, and not once have I felt dizzy or sick. I have been blessed with strength and peace. I was able to take the boys to Burley and spent 10 days with my family. The driving was not an issue for me. Thank goodness, because I love to drive!! (0: (As my family knows) It hasn't felt like more than a week since Jason left. I know Heavenly Father watched over me and the boys while he was gone. My prayers were answered.

Also during this two weeks, my birthday came and went. It was a bummer to be apart from Jason on my birthday. He still made my day totally rock, despite being in Denver. He sent me beautiful flowers and gift cards so I could shop. My family fussed over me tons. I was able to take the boys swimming that day, and we ordered chinese food for dinner from our favorite restaurant. We had yummy chocolate cake. It was a perfect day for me!

Not long after my birthday, was Ashley's birthday. I was dreading her birthday. I knew it was going to be a painful, hard day for me. I decided way ahead of time, I wasn't going to sit around crying all day long. Ashley would never want that. She would want us to be happy, and spend the day as a family, doing things she would have enjoyed. That is what we did. In the early part of the day, I took some time to look at videos and pictures of my angel. I allowed myself time to cry. It felt good to let the tears flow. How I miss my angel!!!!!! In the early afternoon, Jessica came over and we took the children swimming. Later on, we went out to the cemetery and released balloons. We came home and had cake and ice cream. I even bought some clothes for my nieces. I LOVE girl clothes. I loved buying cute things for Ashley. It was an honor for me to spend a little money doing what I loved to do for my angel girl. (0: The day turned out to be a great day, despite the heaviness in my heart. I was eternally grateful I had my family surrounding me. I could not have faced the day at home, alone. Without my sweetheart. Without my support team.

This week in my packing ventures, I found a book my mom sent not long ago. It is about grieving. I didn't think I needed to read it. I felt like I was doing alright. I was wrong. As I opened the book and read the experiences of other mothers who had lost children, I found myself relating to much of what was said. One mother expressed how hard it was to watch other people, going about their lives. Here she was, hurting and struggling and the world didn't slow down one bit. One mother talked about how hard it was to watch other children, the same age as the child she lost. She was reminded of things she would never see her lost child do. I truly have struggled with that. Especially when it come to Young Women's. I have a lot of hurt when it comes to that. I look at the other 12 year old girls, at the things they can do. They ride bikes. They swim. They dance. They text and hang out with friends. They walk, attend school, and girl's camp. They have no idea how badly Ashley wanted to be normal, like them. She would have loved to dance, to run, to ride a bike, to have enough breath to get to the end of the block. She would have loved to attend mutual. But she was too ill. She never got those opportunities. It tears me up inside to know she will never have those opportunities. I want to shout at those girls, and remind them how lucky they are to be alive and healthy. They have no idea what a blessing it is to have a working heart, a working digestive system, the ability to live without pain. I hope I don't sound bitter. I am not bitter. Not at all. Inside I still have wounds to be healed. I am not sure they will ever heal. I find myself feeling sadder now than when Ashley first passed away. I have become more aware of how many holes are left in my life. I am trying hard to fill them, but no matter how hard I try, the pain does not end. Losing a child is so hard!!! Even with the knowledge she is ours forever, she is free of pain and at peace, doesn't numb the feeling of loss. I would never wish her here again, suffering as greatly as she was. But oh to even have five minutes with her, to hold her and love her and cuddle her, stoke her hair, her cheek, hold her hands like I used to do when she was so ill. I would give anything for those five minutes. I miss her every second of every day. I do hope with time, I won't feel so sad.