Living in Logan hasn't been easy. I have expressed that in this blog numerous times before. But despite the challenges of our move, I would be so ungrateful if I didn't write about all the good that has come with this change for our family. I learned a great lesson last week. I had the opportunity to attend scout camp with my little cubs. You have to understand, being cubmaster has been the most challenging calling I have ever had. It seems at every turn, something goes wrong. Most of my pack meetings have been miraculous in themselves, simply because of all that has gone wrong. Almost all of my pack meetings have been planned and executed by me and me alone. I have not had good support from my den leaders. They are great at weekly den meetings, but when it comes to pack meetings, they are not helpful. When we held our Blue and Gold Banquet, not one leader helped decorate. My wonderful visiting teaching companion and her friend helped me set up. Only one of my leaders helped me cook that night, and she came 20 minutes before the event started. I thought I would have more people offer to help in the kitchen, with the cooking, or help put food on tables. But no. That did not happen. Instead, I had people criticizing me because we were late starting. I am sorry, but you can't be on time when you have no help. One person only has so much strength and ability. The person who saved me that night in my kitchen was my sister. She sacrificed her entire night to help. Her and my niece, Katriel, ran the kitchen for me. Every pack meeting has been like that. I come. I set up. No one else helps with anything. They don't even make assignments, so I have to scramble last minute to assign flag ceremony, prayers, skit, etc. I do it all alone. I got even more frustrated when it was time for our pinewood derby. Due to track scheduling problems, we were forced to move our derby to April. I okayed this change with my bishop, thinking all would be well. It wasn't. As it turned out, the other ward in our building reserved the gym the same night as our derby. They had a huge activity planned. Instead of telling me about the problem, the ward counsel decided to move our derby to the priesthood room. I only found out through a co-worker about the change. I was upset they didn't tell me there was a problem. After some research, I discovered our track would not fit into the priesthood room. The whole thing would have fallen apart and I would have taken the heat. As it was, I talked to my bishop two days before the derby. He make some calls and the other ward gave up the gym. It came together, but it was a miracle. I, however, came away feeling deeply discouraged. Last month's pack meeting was just as bad. I had scheduled the fire department to come speak. They called me two days before pack meeting and told me they could not come. I had two days to come up with an alternate plan. That was no easy feat!! I had fasted and prayed before this last pack meeting because I was so discouraged. Up to that point, I dreaded every pack meeting. I knew I would be alone and left to fend for myself, and I was tired of feeling like a failure. It seemed like my prayers were unheard. Everything went from bad to worse. The pack meeting seemed to crumble around me. Nothing went as planned. I came home and cried for a very long time. When we went to day camp, the peace I was seeking finally came. As I drove my van full of boys to Camp Fife, the spirit filled my heart. I knew this calling was where Heavenly Father wanted me to be. I knew I would not be alone. No matter how inadequate I am to fill it, he would help me to do my best. With that reassurance in my heart, I knew all would be alright. It was a testimony to me that Heavenly Father hears and answers our prayers. It isn't always in the way we think, but He hears us. He blesses us to do what we are called to do. The scriptures are full of wonderful stories about prophets who were asked to do great things, often things they felt were impossible. Yet, with faith and prayer and fasting, all of them succeeded. They did not fail. And I won't either. I just want to serve. I want to do my part and do what the Lord wants me to do. He has given me so many wonderful blessings. I want to pay Him back. I want to keep growing every day, becoming the best person I can be. I want to be with my little girl one day, and I know to get where she is, I have to keep working to be the most righteous woman I can be.
Okay, went off on a tangent there. Back to blessings. I can't tell you how many blessings have been given to our family. We have a wonderful home to live in. We are comfortable and happy here. The boys have the perfect place to explore and play. Our neighborhood is nice and safe. I love my neighbors. They are kind and caring. I got a great job. My job last year was a lifesaver for me. Heavenly Father knew I needed that job. I got out of the house. As you know from previous blog posts, I have struggled with depression. Last year, it got so bad at times, I was in a state of complete and utter despair. I would get so down, I felt like I contributed nothing to this world. I felt no one cared. I felt alone and worthless. It was awful!!!! One of my biggest pick me ups were those kids I was blessed to teach. They were delightful. I came to love each and every student. They were a perfect distraction for me. They made my aching heart feel a little better. There were so many days when I felt such sadness. They helped me to see I had something to contribute to this world, however small it seemed.
Since moving here, we have been blessed numerous times by family members. My sister has been amazing and we LOVE living near to her and her delightful family. It has also been a huge blessing to be closer to Jason's grandma. She has been a mother to him and has helped us so many times, I can't count them all. She is as generous as she is kind. It has been a perfect opportunity to give back to her. At the same time, when we help grandma, our boys also learn the blessings of service.
Jason and I have also grown so close since moving here. Nampa was not good for us. We encountered many hurdles while living there, and it was a blessing to leave those in the past. Last year, we were able to get up every morning and spend the morning getting ready for work together. We had weekly lunch dates, which we both loved. We also have found joy in exercising together. We love to take long walks through the beautiful streets of Logan. Through my schooling last year, Jason came to my rescue so many times. He helped with the house and with the boys. He listened to me when I was down and let me cry when my heart was breaking. When he became ill, it was the perfect opportunity for me to give back to him. The one thing I am really good at is caring for sick ones. I have had lots of practice in that area. So when Jason was sick, it was my privilege to care for him. And I must say, I think I did a pretty good job! (0:
I have also been blessed to attend the temple weekly. I never knew how much weekly temple attendance can bless your life. Now I do! I can't believe I lived for so many years without the temple in my life!! Serving in the temple has given me such peace! For the first time in a long time, I feel like I am truly a worthy, important daughter of God. I have come to appreciate all the trials in my life. A day doesn't go by when I don't thank Heavenly Father for Ashley. I thank Him for every day I had with her. I thank Him for every tear we shed, for the change her sweet life wrought upon my heart. She changed my life. She changed my heart. When I am in the temple, I feel so close to her. It is the one place I can talk to her, I can thank her for letting us be her parents. I wish everyone could feel what I feel when I am in the temple. My heart fills with pride when I think of those great pioneers and my own ancestors who worked so hard to build the Logan temple. My personal connection to it has also brought a special love of my ancestors to me. I feel so happy right now. I love being on the Lord's side. When you put Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ first in your life, there is such peace that comes. Even amidst trials and tribulations, you KNOW you are not alone. You can feel the divine purpose of each and every challenge. I have come to appreciate all the hard times. I want nothing more than to do all I can so that one day, I can be in the Celestial Kingdom with my family. I love my family so much! I love my parents, my brothers and sisters, my aunts, uncles and cousins. I have such a rich heritage, and I will not fail it!!!
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