Remembering Our Angel

Remembering our angel. She was such a spunky, special young lady. She always thought of others. Never once, in her life of sadness and suffering, did she lose her faith. She faced every day with the strength of 10,000 stripling warriors. She was our hero, in every way. What an honor, what a privilege to be chosen as her parents. We love you Ashley Marie Winn! There is a hole in our hearts that will never be filled. What a joyous reunion awaits in the world to come!!!!!!!

Saturday January 15, 2011

I don't have much time to write. A new semester has begun, and my load is a heavy one. However, despite the work involved, I am so thankful I get the opportunity to pursue the career of my dreams. It is means to an end. I just have to focus on the end. (0:

The struggles keep coming. Just when you think you made it over one hurdle, another one surfaces. I feel like that is the way of our life. I know we aren't alone in this. Everyone has challenges. It is through the support of one another that we are able to get over those hurdles and keep on moving forward. I want to thank everyone who has supported our family over the past year. We have some amazing friends and family who keep us going. We couldn't have done what we did without such angels in our life.

I sometimes wonder if I should write about my struggles. I don't want to appear weak or ungrateful. I hope I don't ever come across as a weak person. I am trying so hard to be strong and face all life has to throw at me with faith and courage. Right now, my nemesis is depression. It seems like when I pull myself out of one down moment, another one hits me in the face, and I bottom out again. I feel bad when I do get down because we truly have a lot to be thankful for. I do express gratitude on a daily basis for the good things in our life. However, sometimes when those low moments hit, it is all I can do to put a smile on my face. Let's just say, I am the queen of "fake it until you make it." Right now is one of those times. Jason is struggling at work. He isn't happy. And he hasn't had the success he desires. I worry about him every day. He needs me to be on top of the world to help him feel good about himself. I haven't been. Our poor little Spencer is a mess right now. He started having horrible stomach aches in November. They got so bad, I took him to the doctor to see what was wrong. The doctor didn't find anything wrong. After talking with Spencer, he decided perhaps we were dealing with anxiety. That is possible. I still struggle with that, and it can make you feel horrible! I tried to get Spencer into a counselor at school, but that didn't happen until yesterday. I am hoping with the counselor helping Spencer, he will be able to feel better once again and be happy. For those of you who know our Spencer, he is not an unhappy kid. He is very happy go lucky, but lately, he cries every day. His stomach hurts on a daily basis. It is all we can do to get him through school. For the past week, I have been bringing him home from school with me for lunch time. I figured until he gets some tools to help him cope, I will do all I can to help him out. He misses his old life in Nampa, especially all the wonderful friends he had there. School here is not as fun, and he is struggling with all the changes. We all are. There is a huge hole we can't avoid. It hurts all the time. You never know what will make you sad, or what will drag you down. My poor boys feel that too. It is one thing to lose someone you love so much. We got through Ashley's death and her burial. We survived our move here. But now, we have to deal with the hole that is left. And it plain out stinks!!! The tears come almost every day. The only thing that helps me is the knowledge that if we can get through this trial, the sun will shine once again. It always does. You just have to get through the storm first. The storm seems to continue on, and we are doing our best to hunker down and wait for the light. Thank goodness for all the wonderful examples in this world of faith and courage. There are so many Heavenly Father has placed in my life. Thank goodness for family, for friends, for the gospel of Jesus Christ. I pray every day I can endure the depression, the anguish, the worry, the aches and pains of my stupid physical body, the self-doubt, etc and stay strong. I pray I will never lose site of the eternal perspective. Truly, the eternal perspective is the only thing that is keeping me going right now. At times, I get so down, I just want to evaporate and escape this life. At those times, when I pour my heart out to God, the peace always comes. It is enough to help me get up and keep on moving forward. The pain might not go away. The ache might remain, but I feel enough strength, I know I can survive one more day. The sun will shine again. We all have to believe that.

Saturday January 1, 2011

It is so hard to believe it has been almost a year since we buried our little angel. I wish I could say time dulls the pain. But it doesn't. The ache, the longing to see Ashley's beautiful smile and sparkly eyes, to buy her cute clothes and take her on mommy/daughter outings: it never leaves. It tears at your heart at the most bizzare moments: a dance recital, a grocery store, a church meeting, the doctor's office. I never know what will set me off or make me sad. I have had so many ups and downs over the Christmas holidays, I don't know what to do with myself. Jason probably doesn't either. Thankfully, we survived the holidays. I can't believe I did. Boy, that makes me sound pretty weak, doesn't it? But truly, after Thanksgiving, I didn't know how I was going to face Christmas. Everytime I looked at my Christmas things, my heart broke. It didn't seem right to be celebrating without Ashley. At times, I almost felt guilty for being happy. She suffered so much. I didn't want her to think I had forgotten her. I didn't want her to think because she was gone, life was easier or I was happier. I wanted to keep her with me as much as possible.

Christmas last year was one of sorrow. We knew it was the last time she would be with us. I left up our decorations for a long time after New Year's so Ashley could enjoy them as long as possible. I remember vividly the feelings I felt the day after Christmas, when we started weaning her off her first beta blocker. She was so unafraid. She wanted to return to her Heavenly Father so badly. Her faith was unshakeable. She new what glorious world awaited her. She knew her pain would end. As days stretched into weeks, and weeks into months, with no end to her pain, she continued to be strong. Even in her final moments, she was a brave little soul. She only thought of her mother and my comfort. It was NEVER about her or her pain. NEVER! The one part that I am still so sad about is that I didn't take the time to honor her courage and faith at her funeral. I didn't speak because I didn't think I could. I have regretted that so many times I can't number them anymore. But I can't turn back the clock. It is what it is. We did the best at that time. I know she knows how proud of her we were.

So today, happy Connie isn't so happy. I am a mess. I am starting to get a cold, which is yucky anyway. But I don't think I have made it more than an hour without shedding tears. I don't say that for anyone to feel sorry for me. HECK NO! I know there are tons of people in our world who have lost those they love. There are tons of people who suffer. My heart goes out to everyone who must walk this path of grief, who hurts or aches or cries alone in the dark of the night. It sucks!! Yes, I am using that word!! SUCKS!! Sometimes it hurts so much I want to yell! I want the pain to go away, if even for a short time. But it doesn't. It aches and hurts but life must go on. I have to get out of bed every day. I have to keep smiling and loving and serving, despite the emptiness in my heart. It is at those desperate moments that I plead to a loving Heavenly Father for comfort and strength to keep on going. I thank Him for all the time we did have, for all the memories, for all the laughs and talks. I thank Him for the angels that watched over Ashley and our family. They were there!! I have no doubt of that! There are days when I long to feel them still. There are days when I long to hug my little girl, for even five minutes. One night, not long ago, I dreamed she came back. She was able to spend one day with the family. I held her so tight!! We went for a drive and listened to her favorite jam music. It was so real!! I woke up wishing to be back in that dream. But of course, reality sank in. It was only a dream. She is free of this earth life. There are days when I envy her. How wonderful it would be to be free from cares, pain, and worry!! But then I realize what a gift life is. Life is what you make it. You can sit around feeling sorry for yourself all the time or you can make the best of your situation. You can frown, or you can smile. You can hide, or you can serve. The choice is up to us. I pray I will always make the best of all life gives to me. I don't want to disappoint my family, my angel, or my Heavenly Father. Faith in every footstep, that is what I am striving hard to have, like so many others before me!! And it is so hard, especially on those days when I am depressed and sad and feeling yucky!!

But I know I am not alone. There will always be people to help me along the way. So I keep moving forward........(0:

Friday December 9, 2010

I should be at school right now, teaching my students, but Spencer is sick today so I am home. I haven't blogged in a very long time. Between school, work, calling, and family, there hasn't been much time for writing. I wanted to share some of the wonderful blessings that have come to our family over the past couple of weeks. It has been amazing!

First, I have been struggling with depression. Most people would never know how hard I struggle with that. I put on a pretty good front. But since we moved to Logan, I have had many days when I get so down, all I can do is cry. I doubt myself and my ability as a mom, friend, and teacher. I know a huge part of my struggle comes from missing my Ashley. The hole is so big. I never know what will make it start to hurt. It might be a song on a radio. It might be seeing a mother with her daughter. It might be a smell, or a picture, or a show on TV. When it hurts, it hurts. Right before Thanksgiving, I was struggling really bad. I thought a lot about where we were last year on the holidays. At that point, Ashley was very ill. We had pulled out her PICC line, and we knew she was going to die. I was praying so hard she would live through Christmas. I struggle with Christmas time anyway, but having her die then would make it difficult forever. We were so blessed to have her with us way beyond Christmas. But reading back over where we were then filled me with painful memories. It was so hard to watch my angel slowly fade away. The Saturday after Thanksgiving, I was sitting in a dance performance, watching my beautiful niece perform, and I was overcome with the loss of my little girl. She loved to dance, but she never had the energy or the oxygen level, to do it. I couldn't shake that heaviness in my heart. It was like a ten ton rock was plunked on my chest. I couldn't face Christmas. Normally, right after Thanksgiving, we put up our Christmas decorations. But I couldn't even look at the boxes. Everytime I did, I would break down crying. I was trying to beat my sadness but it seemed no matter what I did, my heart remained heavy. I new I had to face Christmas. My other children needed me to get out of this hole I was in. Finally, one night, when I was at the lowest of the low, , I asked my sweet husband for a blessing. I couldn't shake the sadness. It was consuming every aspect of my life. In that blessing, he promised me Heavenly Father would strengthen and comfort me. He told me I would be blessed to carry on. And from that moment forward, my burdens were lifted off my shoulders. I was able to fight the depression. I faced my Christmas decorations. (0: I cried when we put up Ashley's special Christmas tree given to her by my amazing aunt and her two wonderful daughters. I know Ashley is watching over us. I know she knows I think of her every day, and I haven't forgotten her. She will be near through this Christmas season.

Since that night, my life has taken a 360 degree turn. It isn't that my heart isn't aching or that I don't cry in the night, but now I know I can survive. I can face each day and I am not alone. Heavenly Father is with me every awful step of the way. I can tell Him anything, and He will comfort me and help me. I know we can get through every awful trial in our lives. We aren't the first family to lose a child, and we won't be the last. But to all out there who grieve, or who think they aren't important, I am here to tell you, you are!! When you think you can't take another step, or life is going to consume you, pray. The comfort and assurance will come. It has come to me, and I know I am important. I know I can contribute something, small as it may be, to this world and to my family. I know even with an aching heart, I can be happy. I have so much to be thankful for. How wonderful it is to know we have a loving Father in Heaven who is always there for us. May everyone have a wonderful weekend, full of peace.

Sunday October 17, 2010

Perhaps I shouldn't write today. I am not feeling very "up". It wasn't that today hasn't been good. Church was wonderful!! It seems like I always hear what I need. Today was no exception. I guess part of my despair comes from thinking about all the things in my life right now. I really LOVE my job at the school. I love working with kids. I love being in school. My classes this semester are interesting and challenging at the same time. The part that makes me happy is that I know I am studying for the career I desire. Now that my kids are growing up, I am so ready to have a career. It has given me a new purpose to be pursuing that goal. It is the right path for me to take. I just wish everything else in my life made more sense. I guess challenges never stop, and that is part of life. I once heard someone say that when you have trials, you know you are loved. I guess I am really loved right now! (0:

So to list all the challenges, well first of all, AUSTIN! (0: My poor son! He is a great kid, but he is struggling. I feel completely responsible for his troubles. I chose to stop his ADHD medication in the summertime. I was sick and tired of the stupid side effects, (like staying awake all night!) I tried to get the medication lady in Nampa to change his medicine, but she led me to believe we didn't have other options. So I just pulled the dang drugs. He did sleep better. But, with all the changes in our household, (moving), his behavior escalated again. By the time we got to Logan, he was driving me nuts. I was hoping with school starting, and his days becoming more structured once again, he might be alright. I had a long talk with his teacher, and she assured me if she felt he needed his medication, she would let me know. Well, time went on and the reports I got from her were alright. She never once said she thought he needed medication. She did tell me he was struggling, wanting to be out of class. I could see he was unhappy, so we got the school counselor involved. I thought he might need some additional help dealing with Ashley's death. I know it has been harder for me over the past couple of months. The counselor, after he and I talked, suggested Austin might benefit from medication. Again, it was only a suggestion. Jason and I talked and decided medication would be helpful. I took him to the doctor and got him on a new, non-stimlant medication. Well, come to find out last week, when we saw the counselor, his teacher was actually having a horrible time with Austin. She told the counselor Austin was rude and disruptive. I could feel the frustration she had. I never heard a work of this!! I about died!! Why didn't she tell me?? Am I that horrible of a person?? That was the first thing I thought. This new medication isn't working well. But I dont' know what option we have. It is a frustrating and discouraging situation. I want Austin to be happy. I want him to love who he is, and to embrace his challenges. He isn't happy, and I know he isn't enjoying school. I am praying constantly we find a remedy to this situation.

Okay, so besides Austin, there is my stupid head! You would think it would get better. But NO! It is getting worse again. I feel off balance every day. I have dizzy spells every day. Some days, it is all I can do to get through one day, with work and studying and taking care of my family. I get exhausted! I know exercise would benefit me, but I don't feel good enough to do that. I need to see a doctor, but I dont' want to. Honestly, I am scared. I don't want to go through a battery of tests just to have them tell me I am fine. That is always what happens to me. I HATE HATE HATE feeling like this. I see so many others happily going through their lives, healthy as a bird. Then here comes Connie. I don't feel good. When I don't, I get so depressed. I want to be healthy. I need to be able to take my kids places, and be the active, busy mom they deserve. I don't feel good enough to take them places, let alone on long drives, exploring and such. Driving for me is a constant challenge. I never know if I will be dizzy or not. YUCK!! Yes, I am praying, hard, for help in this matter.

Of course, I miss my daughter. I don't think anyone realizes how much I miss her, how much my heart aches every day. It is a constant struggle. I dread the coming of the holiday season. I am already hurting so much. How can I face two huge holidays without my angel? I cry every time I think about it. I hope I dont' sound ungrateful. Honestly, I know how blessed I am. I thank Heavenly Father every chance I get for all the good things in my life. I love our home. I love my job. I love being in college. I have the most amazing boys ever!! And I love them all with every fiber of my being. I have a super husband, who is a great support and comfort to me. I have loads to be thankful for. I am just in a rut right now. All I want is a normal life without complications! Ha ha ha! It won't happen for the Winn family, so I am going to keep on making the best of it!

Sorry, today I am nothing but a big booby head! I really didn't have a bad week. Despite being sick and all, there were so many wonderful things that happened. I survived it all, and this week won't be as bad. Today I just plain out miss my angel girl. I have no idea why I am such a mess. but I am. I haven't been able to do anything but cry. As I sat in church, that feeling of aloneness overwhelmed me. These people here are amazing. Really, they are, but I don't have any close friends yet. I feel very alone. I know with time, that situation will remedy itself. I just don't know anyone well yet.

Jason has been a mess over the past few days. He is not happy. He doesn't like his new job. He isn't selling like he wants to. His back has been paining him. His self-esteem is in the gutter. When he gets like this, he becomes, pardon the term, like an icy, cold robot. He doesn't speak or smile. He hides out in his office. He doesn't want any interaction with anyone. There are no warm vibes coming from him. I know I haven't been meeting his needs lately. I am not sure I ever meet his needs. But with him like he is, I can't talk to him. I knew from the get go he wouldn't go to church today. I had no problem with him staying home. But today, I really needed him with me. PLEASE don't take me wrong, I love Jason with all my heart!! He is a WONDERFUL man, in every way. However, he has skeletons from his past that have seriously damaged him as an adult. He is very insecure. There isn't one day that he doesn't think I am going to divorce him. He makes comments all the time like, "You love me, for now." or "You are with me, but someday you will find a better man." He can't trust in a lasting relationship. He also completely shuts down emotionally. That is his defense. When things hurt too much, he shuts then off, puts them somewhere he doesn't have to feel them. I watched him do that after Ashley died. He is most certainly doing it again now. I have to work so hard to break down the walls and find a way to get inside. Most of the time, I fail. I can't get to him. I think that is one of the biggest driving forces to me studying psychology. I know it will help me with Jason. He has so much hurt locked inside. It is so unhealthy for him! I am hoping someday I will be able to get him the help that I know he needs, so he can feel emotions again. The Jason tangent is just one of my concerns. Please, PLEASE don't anyone ever say anything about this to him. If he knew I was venting on the blog, he would KILL me. I just hope a small explaination of things will help other understand him a little better. At first, one might take him as standoffish. But it is just his defenses. He isn't really like that.

Okay, so back to the issue at hand. I miss my girl. I miss her smile. I miss her laugh. I miss her sweet, loving, compassionate nature. I miss buying her clothes. I miss putting on jam music and watching her wiggle her little, non-existent bum. I miss the special bond I had with her. I couldn't help reflecting back on a conversation she and I had not too long before she died. We were talking and reading about the spirit world and how wonderful it would be for her. She would finally be free from all her worldly cares and pains. Her comment back to me,"It isn't fair mommy that I will be in heaven and be so happy and you have to be stuck here on earth!" She was such a sweetheart!! It was always about others, even at the very hour of her emminent death, she was more concerned with my comfort than with her own pain. I would give anything to hold her in my arms for even five minutes! Today my entire body hurts from head to toe I miss her so badly!

Right now, Austin and Preston aren't helping matters. They are constantly quarrleing and disobeying me. No matter how I treat them, what tone I use to talk to them, they push me to the limits. I know Austin needs his ADHD medication again. He can't think at all. He is struggling so much! I feel horrible about it. It is my fault he is such a mess. I chose to stop his former medication. Instead of consulting with the medication lady, I made my own decision. Part of the reason I did was because I disliked her so much! She was always so mean and critical to me. When I suggested a change of medication previously, because of the side effects Austin was having, she told me it was my fault Austin was awake so late at night. She said I was letting him sleep too long. It wasn't the medicine at all. It was me. If I woke him up at 7:00 every morning, despite him being awake until 3:00, he would go to bed ontime. I am not kidding! She basically told me we had exhausted every medication option. I felt trapped in the situation. It was such a relief to have Austin finally be able to go to sleep by 10:00 at night. Once we stopped the meds, the dizzy spells and headaches and stomach problems and sleeping problems stopped. Of course now, even though those side effects are gone, he is impulsive all over again. We have a whole new pit of problems. He isn't happy. I met with the school counselor at Woodruff on Friday to discuss Austin with him. He is going to start working with Austin at school. He also gave me the names of doctors who deal with ADHD kids so we can re-start Austin's meds. I just want my son to be happy and tolerable! I am sure we will get there.

Spencer is just a sweet, kind soul. I am so thankful he was given to me. He is just like Ashley. Same temperment. Same compassion and selflessness. He is the one who makes me feel like I am acutally doing something right as a mom. The other boys: well, perhaps if I fast and pray every day until they go on their missions, they will be alright! Ha ha ha! No, I think they will be alright. I have to be constantly vigilant about teaching them between right and wrong. And love them unconditionally. Hopefully, some little thread of truth will be implanted in their souls.

So it is all a mishmash in my head. Jason. Austin. Preston. Spencer. Work. School. Ashley. Challenges make us strong, right!!!! (0: Shedding tears isn't bad. Feeling like a failure is common. Husbands being reclusive can be normal. Just got to remember the eternal perspective. I am so grateful I understand it now. I am so grateful for everyting I have learned over the past year, for how precious the gospel of Jesus Christ is to me. I will survive! One footstep at a time.

Friday September 10, 2010

Wow! What a week the past one has been! Last weekend, I took the boys and made the trek to Nampa for my nephew's baptism. Poor Jason had to work. I always hate traveling without him. He is my rock, keeps me sane. (0: What a miracle Zack's baptism was for all of us. Not long ago, my wonderful brother in law, Kris, wasn't too hip on the church. But with recent events, namely the passing of our angel, his heart was touched in a way we never dreamed possible. Now he is going to church. He received the priesthood, and will be ordained an elder in a couple of weeks at stake conference. Amy and Kris have also set their endowment date and will be sealed in the Logan temple on November 6. What miracles our family is witnessing! Included in those miracles is Kris's kidney transplant, in which he had a horrid battle with rejection. He continues to be alright, despite factors that doctors say point to continued rejection. It was such a blessing to witness him baptize his son. Following that baptism, Kris also ordained my other nephew, Kasey, to the office of a deacon. We all felt the spirit. I know Ashley was there. I felt her. She was so proud of her Uncle Albert!! I can't wait to be with my family once again, in the temple, witnessing the sealing of my beloved sister and her wonderful husband! (0: Isn't the gospel so great!!!!!!!!

Well, despite the wonderful weekend, I came home and got sick. The interesting part was, so did two of my sisters and my nephew. We all got a sore throat, cold, cough virus. YUCK! I actually thought I had strep throat, my throat hurt so badly! Now we are all wondering where the stupid sickness came from. We did all eat in Applebees following the baptism. Perhaps we picked it up there. Who knows! I am just thankful no one else got sick.

I am throughly loving my job at Woodruff Elementary. I don't have my set power hour groups yet, but I have been able to spend time in kindergarten, second grade, and third grade. My favorite has been third by far. I think I enjoy it the most because I get to do more teaching with that group. The teacher has given me the entire class three times now. The first time was super scary. I haven't been in front of a group of kids for a very long time. But soon the nerves melted and I relaxed and enjoyed the experience. I have to say, I LOVE teaching! I am not sure I will be the best at it, but I love being with kids and helping them to learn. I find myself cheering them on when they do the smallest things right. It is fun! It will be better once I have my set groups and can teach every day. I know it will be lots of work. We have to prepare the materials to be taught. But what great experience for me! I need all the help I can get!

My USU classes are lots of work. I had forgotten how hard college can be. This week has especially kicked my fanny end! I had two tests and a big paper and lots of reading and so on and so on. I spent hours studying, but thankfully I got it all done. Being sick, it wasn't easy, but I prayed so hard I would be able to survive. I could never have done it without Jason. He has been so helpful and supportive. He did dishes. He helped boys with homework. He fixed dinner. He got me breakfast. I have the bestest husband in the whole wide world!! I could never do all this without him. NEVER! I love him with all my heart. He isn't very happy at his new job. Bless his heart! I wish there was more I could do for him. Here I am, enjoying all these new ventures and poor Jason isn't enjoying his as much. The one thing I do know, beyond all doubt, we are supposed to be in Logan Utah. I feel it through my entire body. Visiting Nampa last weekend only confirmed Logan is the place for us.

I am so thankful for all the blessings in my life! I miss my angel every day. I so wish I still had her here with me, but I know she is ever near, watching over her family.