Monday January 25, 2010

Sorry for the lack of post last night. I didn't feel good. Ashley didn't feel good. So we watched a movie and went to bed. I was thankful to get to bed before midnight. Ashley was only up three times after that, so the night was alright. I didn't wake up feeling tired. She is very tired and weak today, more so than she has been over the past few days. Surprisingly, her appetite is fair. She tried to eat two different things for breakfast. She didn't eat much of either thing, but every bite she takes makes me super happy.

Yesterday was another day of comfort. Her pain was under control. Her stomach was under control. The diarrhea, well, that will always be a problem. Her main problem yesterday was the weakness and fatigue. That isn't new, but yesterday, she felt especially weak. She had a hard time moving her legs on the bed. I had to help her several times to change positions. I think it is a blessing her heart has been holding. She still has constant flipping. I feel her heart often and it isn't in a normal rhythm. Thankfully, the major arrythmias have stayed at bay. But we never know from one hour to the next, from one day to the next, if that will change.

We didn't get to church yesterday. Jason encouraged me to attend sacrament meeting, but I didn't feel like going. My body isn't cooperating so well with me right now. I am on edge all the time. I don't feel relaxed. I HATE that about myself. Almost as much as I hate my teeth. I have struggled with this problem my whole entire life! Dang blasted anxiety!!! I wish I could change the fact that I have terrible anxiety. Unfortunately, I can't. I have to accept it as part of myself and keep moving forward. But it SUCKS! When my anxiety flairs up, I get so sick. I can't eat. I can't sleep. My body will hurt all over. I lose weight. (That part I wouldn't mind!) My head feels unbalanced all the time right now. Man, it stinks! I know this is another challenge that will make me stronger. But I don't like it. I can't deal when I feel sick. I get so scared, mostly that I won't hold up under the pressure and I should be able to. I should! So why can't I???? AHHHHH!!! Sometimes I want to curl up in a little ball and disappear forever. I have wished that so many times over the course of my lifetime. I don't wish that now. But I do want my stupid, idiotic body to get a grip! I did call the doctor today to get more anxiety medication. I haven't been taking the whole dose. For one, I didn't want to pay for more. We don't have insurance and the medicine is really costly. Two, I can't go to the doctor right now. I am literally glued to my daughter. Thankfully, they are going to call me in another refill without seeing me. That is a blessing!

I am not the only one who is feeling the stress. Austin turned up with a bald spot on the back of his head. He has had the spot for a while now, but it is getting bigger. I was initially worried about ring worm. We dealt with ring worm four years ago and it was awful!! Jason took Austin to the doctor today and we found out the spot is caused from stress. Austin will need to see the dermatologist so we can work on getting it fixed. Poor kid! I have been so caught up in my own trauma, I haven't thought about the boys like I should have. Preston hasn't been completing his school work as well as he should be. I have seen lots of mistakes. He has been so difficult too. Spencer seems to be okay, but I have no idea how he is really holding up. Our whole home is feeling the tension. I am super concerned about our sons. I know we have a wonderful school counselor who is always available to help. I didn't think we needed counseling, but maybe we do. The boys in particular.

I know I mentioned before that fear and faith do not exist together. I know this is true. I don't mean to fear. Really, I have great faith all is going to be okay. I know Heavenly Father is watching over us. I know we have been blessed in countless ways. But it is lack of faith when my anxiety flairs up with a vengence? I hope not. I don't want to not have faith. I don't want to fear. I don't want to disappoint my Father in Heaven. I want to feel normal. I don't think I have felt like a normal person for so long, I never will.

Okay, enough with the vent. I feel better now. Now everyone will know I am psychotic. Ha ha ha! Just kidding! (0: Ashley is here for today and I couldn't be more grateful!! I love her so!! And she is as comfortable as she can be. God is watching over my angel!! And, I have Jason, who loves me no matter what, no matter how stressed out and strange and not normal I feel.