Thursday January 14, 2010

I am so sorry for the lack of update over the past 24 hours. Last night was a very hard night for Ashley. She was feeling very poorly at bedtime and I couldn't take the time to blog. Yesterday turned into a nightmare. While her belly stopped hurting so badly, and her nausea subsided, she had horrible diarrhea. Every time she ate anything, within a few minutes, she would have to leap out of bed and barely make it on the potty before the diarrhea hit. I can't even count how many times she went to the bathroom. I was frantic by bedtime. I didn't know how to make it stop. We tried everything the nurse had encouraged us to try. You can imagine with all the diarrhea, Ashley didn't eat a thing all day long. She tried, but what fun it is to eat when as soon as you are finished, you have to run to the bathroom. Just an awful afternoon. By bedtime, Ashley looked awful. Her face was really puffy again and pale. I haven't seen her so pale for a few days. I didn't want to increase her lasix, not with so much diarrhea. We don't need her to get dehydrated. I am pushing fluids, so that may be the reason she had more fluid on board last night. At least her breathing was alright. What a blessing!

So bedtime came, and poor Ashley was too miserable to fall asleep. I was so tired by then, and I had a hard time interacting with her. Around 12:30 she wanted me to read to her, but I was too tired. I couldn't stay awake. After that, she went to the bathroom two more times. At 4:30, she woke me up and had to go again. She was so upset at that point, she couldn't go back to sleep, so she turned on the TV. I stayed up with her for a little bit, but exhaustion got the better of me and I crashed. I would drift in and out of sleep, checking on her. I have no idea when she fell back to sleep.

As you would guess, I felt pretty yucky this morning. I did not want to wake up to get kids ready for school, but I am still mom to them. Jason didn't have a good night either, so he got up late. He did help me all he could, but we were both dragging. Ashley didn't wake up until close to 9:30. When she did, she was in pain. Her whole body hurt. Her stomach was a mess. It took a while to get her settled and at least a little comfortable.

Then we had another horrible experience. She was so desperately hungry, she begged to eat a little bit. We put our heads together, thinking of everything we could for her to eat. She finally settled on something and I fixed it for her. While she ate, I exercised in the living room. Shortly after I started, I heard her yell for me. The dang diarrhea hit her so hard, she wasn't able to make it out out of bed fast enough and she had a little accident. It wasn't major but oh how she cried and cried and cried. She was embarrassed and said she felt like a baby. I hurriedly cleaned things up, washed her down and got her back into bed. By then, she was exhausted. The whole ordeal took its toll on her in every way. Physically. Emotionally. She hit the bottom and she cried for a long time. I told her it wasn't her fault. Not at all. It is her protein losing enteropathy, worsening as her heart continues to fail. It was awful!!

Oh how she wants this suffering to end!! She asked me about having a blessing of release. I didn't know what to say. I know Bishop Corder spoke to Jason and I about that not long ago, but it wasn't something I wanted to think about. Not yet. Perhaps we are coming to the time when we need to revisit that idea. I can't bare to watch her lie day after day like this. She is so unhappy. She is too sick and weak to do anything. It gets unbearable!! And I am torn in half because I am scared to be without her. Every day for the past 12 years, my life has centered around Ashley. For the past 6 months, I have been by her side constantly, caring for her every need. I have no idea what I am going to do when she is gone. Man that sounds selfish. I would never want her to continue suffering from day to day. Never! But I fear the hole that is going to be left. It will never be filled. I have to go on with my life. I know the time for fasting has come again. We need to have another family fast. Ashley wants that. She asked me about a family fast two days ago. I haven't been able to fast thus far because of my stupid antibiotic. But soon I will be finished. We have so much to fast and pray about. I could pray for the next ten years and still not feel like I have prayed enough. The only person who knows what is in store is Heavenly Father. Oh how I need his guidance!!! We all do. I trust in Him. I know He is with Ashley. I know He is watching over our family. We have to keep trusting in Him. And we will survive this horrible time in our lives.

I better finish now. Ashley needs her mom. Thank you all for everything!! Thank you for supporting our decisions. Thank you for all the emails, notes, cards, etc. They keep coming, and every one touches my heart, touches Ashley's heart, helps us to keep moving forward! May you all have a wonderful night!!