Wednesday January 20, 2010

My dearest friends and family, I have to start off by thanking everyone for the many prayers, thoughts, and service given to our family. We wouldn't make it through this time without so many wonderful angels, surrounding us with love. There is no way we would make it. I feel like the windows of heaven have been opened, day after day. I am so grateful for every moment of peace and comfort. I have had numerous moments where my heart is lifted, where the Holy Ghost fills my soul with peace. I need to feel that peace. I need to know I can do this. I will never be able to thank everyone enough for helping us so greatly!! Thank you!! Thank you!!! Thank you!!!! Thank you for making us better people, through your faithful service and love.

Last night was a better night. Ashley was exhausted. She took her medications early and fell asleep around 9:30. She slept peacefully until 4:00. What a blessing!! I didn't sleep so restfully. I woke up many times, checking her to see if she was still with us. I had no idea if she would live through the night. But it was not her time to go. When the light of morning broke through the bedroom window, she was still here.

Through the course of the day, she remained the same. The nausea wasn't as severe today, although she still had a couple of times when she felt sick to her stomach. Her facial swelling remained the same. I think the swelling over her right eye improved the most. Yesterday that eye looked awful! They both did, but the right was the worst. Thankfully, she seemed more at peace. She was still miserable, but her misery wasn't so intense. I know that was a direct blessing from heaven. Heavenly Father is watching over her. If she is to remain here on earth for a little longer, He will help her to endure. I know this!! I know it! I have witnessed it!

Tonight, she was tired. She slept off and on all evening. She didn't feel like eating, and didn't drink much. The main thing she wanted was for me to sit with her and stoke her arm and neck and face. We sat together, mother and daughter, for a long time. Jason, bless his heart, took care of everything else so I could. He took care of the dishes, helped the boys with their homework, ran to the store, ran to the pharmacy, ran to get Ashley breadsticks, and mediated the disagreements between the boys. He is such a wonderful man!! I thank Heavenly Father every day that I have him as my eternal companion. I would be nothing without him! I couldn't make it through this trial without him. He spoils me rotten every day. He compliments me, even when I wake up looking like the living dead! (0: He hugs me constantly, reminding me every chance he gets how proud he is of me, and the person I am, and the strength I carry inside. Heavenly Father knew I needed him. He knew Jason was the right man to be by my side, comforting me, keeping me calm, leading our home in truth and righteousness. I would be so ungrateful if I didn't express my deep love for him, for his forgiveness and unconditional love. We are a team. Forever.

The one thing Ashley wanted to do today, was to work on leaving messages for those left behind on the earth. She and I have been discussing this for a few days now, but it was something that we haven't been able to do until tonight. Ashley said it needed to be done, before she was too sick to tell me what she desired. She went through each member of my family, Jason's family, all her cousins, her grandparents, her good friend, and dictated to me what she wanted to tell them after she is gone. Oh my gosh! As if my heart isn't already ripped into pieces! I am going to save these messages for a later time. Ashley and I have a plan for them. I know it will be special when the time comes to share those messages for all of the people she loves so dearly.

The other discussion we had tonight, was about prayers. Ashley has astounding faith! She does! She always has. Tonight she asked me if I thought, Heavenly Father thought Ashley was angry with him because her prayers have not been answered in the way she desires. She prays every day to be taken from the earth, to be free from her burdens. She is still here, and I think she may be here for a little time yet. I assured her, Heavenly Father knows she is not angry. I explained to her that when we pray, we have to pray Thy will be done. Prayers aren't always answered in the way we think they will be. We have to trust in God. He is all knowing. He is all wise, and He knows what is best for his children, even Ashley. If she is here, there is a reason she is. He will bless her to endure. He will give her the strength to live a little longer. He will fill her soul with peace. I know it! And tonight as we discussed this, I knew she knew it too. Thy will be done. If we all continue to pray, and trust in our Father, we will be filled with peace. We will have the understanding we need. Our hearts will be comforted as we watch Ashley day after day. Don't ever doubt that!!!