Sunday June 13, 2010

I need to write today. I have so much on my mind, if I don't get it off, I am going to burst. I am feeling very discouraged. I am not sure if it is the stress, but I haven't been feeling well over the past few days. I woke up on Wednesday with horrible vertigo and light-headedness. Of course with my head spinning, I was desperately sick to my stomach and I had a horrible headache. It was Jason's birthday, and that bummed me even more. I didn't feel like going out on a date. I didn't even have him a present. I looked for what I wanted to buy, but hadn't found what I was looking for. We spent Monday and Tuesday cleaning out the garage, trying to prepare to move. My plan was to go out on Wednesday and keep looking for his gift, but naturally, that didn't happen. I was too sick. We ended up getting chinese food and staying at home. Not much of a special birthday. I felt like I let Jason down. It was so hard! The one good part about that day: my parents came to visit. (My dad had heart ablation scheduled for Thursday at St. Luke's downtown). Amy and Kris were able to come over. We did sing happy birthday and have cake, but Jason did not get the fussing he deserved. He was fine with that, but I wasn't and still am not.

Thursday I was able to go with my parents to the hospital for my dad's heart procedure. I still felt off, but Heavenly Father blessed me with the needed energy to go. It turned into a very long day, but the procedure was successful and my dad's atrial flutter was fixed. I enjoyed being with my parents very much. Boy did the memories flood back as we sat in the room, waiting for the cath. My sweet Ashley had so many caths over the course of her lifetime. She HATED them. I could just hear her saying "Poor Grandpa! I know how awful a heart cath is!"

We didn't get home until 10:30 Thursday night, and we were all ready to crash. Hospitals are so draining! We were grateful for the wonderful outcome, despite all the waiting and other yucky stuff.

Friday morning, my dad woke up feeling sore and extremely tired. His blood pressure was low, as was his heart rate. My parents decided to stay in Nampa for another night, to make sure my dad was alright. They wanted to help Amy get ready for her Portland trip as well. I was thankful they were here, as I was still feeling sick myself. The dizziness and off balance sensations continued. I was so awfully tired. All I felt like doing was sleeping. But of course, I couldn't. There is so much to do right now. I don't have time to feel under the weather. The deadlines are fast approaching, and we have to move.

Yesterday was another long day. I woke up feeling just as sick as I did the day before. The one thing we did discover, (with my dad's blood pressure cuff), I do have very low blood pressure. That may be contributing to the dizziness and fatigue. I pushed through it, and worked hard to continue packing and sorting. Jason worked hard too. Bless his heart. He didn't take one break the whole day. I can't tell you how glad I am he is home right now. With me feeling so sick, I need his help. I couldn't do it alone. There is no way I could.

So yes, I feel LOTS of despair right now. I am physically not well. I don't know how I am going to do all that is required over the next month. I just don't know. We don't yet have a place to live in Logan. There was a home we thought might be a possibility for us that surfaced last week, but it fell through. The owners decided the dogs were not allowed, which I totally respect. Dogs are a huge risk for any rental agency. It is a miracle there are any places where pets are allowed. Being a former apartment manager, I know from first hand experience no pets makes things easier for the landlords. We found another townhome yesterday that we both LOVED. Good location. Perfect rent and space. Garage. Pet friendly. But it did not have a yard or anywhere where our dogs could run unsupervised. So we crossed that place off our list. I wouldn't push to keep the dogs, but with Ashley's loss, I can't bear to part with my babies. They are such a comfort to me. I need them. I don't want them to be the reason we can't find a place to live, but I am sure there is someplace that will be right for our family, where I can keep the dogs.

Of course, I don't know what to do about my health problems. They have been there for a long time. I haven't felt right for months. I should have pushed to get into an ENT doctor, but didn't. Now it is too late. And I am not well. I can face anything when I am at my best, but when I am as sick as I feel now, I want to fall on my face and bawl. Everything seems like an impossibly high mountain. On top of the stress of moving, and getting into school, and adjusting to a totally new life, I need to take care of my nephews. My brother in law is having a kidney transplant in two days. I am so thrilled for Kris, and I want to help. Yet here I am barely able to function as a person, let alone be a babysitter. Amy needs errands run, cats tended, yard tended. I am so willing to do anything for her. Anything!! Yet, I don't have the energy to do it!! AHHHH!! I feel so buried and discouraged and I dont know what to do. I didn't go to church today. I should have tried, but I felt so yucky this morning, and with Jason gone, I couldn't.

I know there is an answer. I feel so good about the direction we are going. The doors have opened up a bit for us. This move is taking so much faith!! Nothing about it has been easy. I don't think it will continue to get any easier. I just pray that I can find a solution to my sickness. There has to be a reason for my dizziness and fatigue and nausea. I told my mom not long ago, we could fast for the next month and still not cover all the things we need help wtih! I still feel that way. I am in no condition to fast at the moment. There will be a light at the end of this dark tunnel. I am sure of it. We are trying so hard to be righteous and live so we are worthy to receive personal revelation. I know it will come. Please pray for us, and for all the others in this world who struggle, who are sad, who are at the end of their rope. There are so many out there who have heavy burdens to bear.