Sunday April 29, 2012

Wow!  I can't believe it is almost May already!  The past month has flown by like a whirlwind!  I only have one week left of school.  YEA!!  I honestly can't wait for the summer break.  This past year has been tough.

I have so many things to write about, I am not sure where to begin.  I need to write little bits more often so when I do catch up, I am not writing a novel.  Ha ha ha!  (0:  I had the most amazing past couple of weeks at school.  At the end of March, I volunteered to have one young student added to my power hour group.  This particular student has Oppositional Defiant Disorder, and he was struggling in the enrichment group.  Wanting the experience of interacting with such a student, I was thrilled when they placed him in my group.  At first, I wasn't sure what to expect.  I was a little scared of him.  I had heard he could be extremely stubborn and often refused to cooperate.  I decided to take a totally different approach to the situation.  I prayed about this boy and specifically asked for help in working with him.  What followed was nothing short of a miracle.  This boy thrived in my group!  He participated.  He smiled.  He was great!  I did see, but only a little bit, the ODD aspects of his personality.  What really made my whole year was when he asked me if I could be his teacher next year.  I think he felt my belief in him and my concern for his well being.  I hope he did.  I love all of my students, and I want them all to feel good about who they are and what abilities they have.  What else was funny about this student was how much he reminded me of Austin.  The mannerisms, the hyperactivity, the impulsivity: just like my son.  That also made it easier to work with him.  When he got fidgety, I sent him for a walk.  I do the exact same thing for Austin.  When this boy was irritated and frustrated, I cut down the amount of work he had to complete.  I do the same thing for Austin in home-school.  These are the kinds of kids I want to help.  I want to be the one who steps in and gives them the tools to be successful in school and in life.  I guess in a way I kind of relate to the underdogs.  I was one of them.  School was tough for me.  I struggled with anxiety many, many times.  I wish I would have had someone who could have helped me understand my body and the way my mind worked.  I would have had a much easier time in school.  As it was, I spent a lot of time worrying if I would be okay.  At times, the symptoms of anxiety severely interfered with my ability to learn.  I don't want other students to struggle like I did.

I had another cool experience this week.  My temple recommend expired at the end of March.  I haven't been to the temple for couple of months, so I didn't realize it was time to renew it.  I was able to get an interview with the bishop last Sunday.  I went in for my Stake Presidency interview on Tuesday night.  President Maughan, our stake President, was the one who interviewed me.  He asked me, after looking at my former recommend, what brought our family to Logan, so I mentioned a little about Ashley and school.  There was a very strong spirit in the room while I spoke to this wonderful man about my sweet daugher.  After the interview, he asked me if I believed in impressions of the spirit.  Well, of course I said yes.  I know the Holy Ghost whispers to our hearts.  When the Holy Ghost whispers, we listen.  (0: He preceded to tell me he felt impressed that I should share Ashley's story at the upcoming stake conference.  I promptly fell over on the floor!!!!!  (0:  Or at least I felt like falling over!  I had such a burning feeling in my heart.  I knew it was what Heavenly Father wanted me to do.  Then of course, I was emotional for the rest of the night.  Ashley continues to bless our lives.  I see more and more blessings all the time.  My testimony has grown so much!  Even though speaking in stake conference scares the hee-bee gee-bees out of me, I feel so humbled to have the chance to speak about my amazing angel.  Somewhere out there is someone who will benefit from her experiences, and mine.  Now I need the spirit with me more than ever!!  What a wonderful opportunity to draw myself even closer to my Heavenly Father!!  (0:  I know, if I trust in Him, I will be blessed to be an instrument in his Hands and fulfill this assignment to the best of my ability.

Because of this speaking assignment, we are also going to complete Ashley's temple work.  The plan was to do that anyway, but now we have a set date to attend the temple as a family.  I can't wait!!  Jason completed the necessary paperwork so all that needs to be done is to take that paperwork to the temple.  My whole family is coming with us.  I know it will be a day to remember for ever and ever!!  (0:  I wish I could tell Ashley just what a blessing she was to us.  I hope she knows it was because of her that so many hearts have changed, so many lives are better, stronger.  We needed that little girl.  I pray every day I can be worthy to be with her again someday.  (0:

I just plain feel good about where I am in my life.  I love having the spirit with me every day.  I have worked hard so I am worthy to have the spirit as my guide.  Life is so scary!  You never know from one moment to the next what may come your way.  The trick is to be prepared ahead of time for the stormy times.  Jason and I spoke in sacrament meeting today about trials.  My topic was how to stay positive during the rough times.  The one thing that has kept me moving forward, that has helped me to see the positive side of the dark times, is my testimony of Jesus Christ and the plan of salvation.  Jesus Christ lives!  He atoned for our sins so that we can return to our Father in Heaven.  Death is not the end.  We will be resurrected someday.  We will be a family forever!  These truths have helped me to keep the eternal perspective always in my sights.  I haven't always been strong.  I wish I could say I was.  But I wasn't.  I almost lost the most important thing in my life.  I had to repent, and the way back was nothing short of hell on earth.  I am SO glad I am not that person anymore.  I will NEVER be that person again.

There is so much more I could write.  I have had so many wonderful spiritual experiences this week.  Unfortunately, time, and upcoming finals this week, are preventing me from spending any more time here.  (0:  The gospel is true!  I am so happy I have the gospel in my life!  (0:

Sunday, April 15, 2012

I actually have a little time this afternoon, and so I felt I should write a few of my thoughts down in my blog. It has been a beautiful Sunday. I LOVE Sundays!! (0: I absolutely adore my new calling. Leading primary music is so much fun. I find myself coming away from church feeling uplifted and happy. Even though I am still learning, I know Heavenly Father is helping me to do the best job I can. It feels so good to serve! I have so many wonderful blessings in my life, and I love knowing I can give back at least a little of what I have been given.

The past week was a tough one for our family. Jason was super depressed all week long. He isn't feeling well. His stomach is giving him fits. He can't ever sleep. He has a mouth full of canker sores, (10 to be exact), so he hasn't been able to eat. He does not like his job, and desperately wants to make a career change. He is looking for other options, but nothing has come along. He needs and wants to go back to school, but the right time hasn't come yet. His schedule is too demanding for much. In addition, I have to study every free second I can get. It is so helpful to have him take care of things in the evenings so I can study. If I didn't have his help, I would be so stressed out! He keeps me sane. However, that being said, I would NEVER discourage him from enrolling in school. If that helped lift the awful depression that has overtaken him, it would be so worth it. We would find a way to make it work. I have felt so beside myself knowing what to do for him. There has to be an answer out there. We just need to find it.

I haven't felt very good this past week either. I have been struggling with vertigo again. I haven't had any room spinning eposides, thank goodness. But when I lay down in bed at night, and roll over from one side to another, the room will rock violently from side to side. I will feel off balance periodically throughout the day. I think that is part of the reason I was so tired all last week. When my body has to work hard to correct my balance, I do get tired. The ENT doc told me that was a side effect of the vertigo. Not fun at all! I wanted to exercise a little last week in hopes the exercise would help me to have more energy but I didn't feel like it. In addition, I felt down most of last week. I have no idea where that came from. That is the stupid thing with depression: you never know when it will come on. When it does, it is hard to pull yourself back up. Part of my problem is that I get hyper-sensitive to what people say. I had three experiences last week where something was said to me that made me feel bad about myself. You know what they say, no one can make you feel inferior without your consent. Well, I consented. When I block out the negative thoughts, I am happy with myself. I feel like I am putting my heart and soul into my job. I am working hard in school, and my grades reflect my dedication. Jason and I are doing well. I grumped at him a bit last week, but he still loves me, so I guess my apology was alright. (0: I feel I have a great relationship with my sons, especially Austin. I love my new calling. I think part of my problem last week came from the notion that I still don't really belong. That sounds so trite! But that is one of my internal struggles. I want people to like me. I sometimes feel like I am a square in a room full of circles. I realized last week, my apparent "squareness" and I let it bother me. I shouldn't have. In those moments, I have to step back and appreciate who I am. Not who I am not.

Well, homework calls my name. I have tried to ignore it for some time now, but it isn't working! Ha ha ha! I hope everyone has a wonderful coming week! (0:

A Heart Full of Peace

My heart is so full this morning. What a great time to live in this earth! What a great place I am at in my life. I feel like I am in the calm after the storm, when the sun finally shines again. The past few years have been so full of challenges for our family. I know we aren't through yet. I have to say, I really enjoy the challenges given to us. When we struggle, that is when we grow and become closer to our Father in Heaven. I know I have said this many, many times before, but I thank Heavenly Father every day for my angel girl, for every struggle we had with her, for the privilege of being her mother. My heart has changed in so many ways, and it is because of the experiences with her. I miss her every day. I can't wait for the day when I can hold her in my arms again!!! She is my inspiration. All my kids are my inspiration. I want to be the best I can be in every way so we can all be together forever someday. What a glorious day that will be!!! (0:

Our family has had numerous blessings come into our lives over the past few months. Jason is selling homes. My boys have been happy, healthy, and peaceful. They are all doing well in school. Austin is doing great in the Utah Virtual Academy. He enjoys it very much, and also enjoys hanging out with his friends. I am so grateful for the good friends in his life right now. They are exceptional young men who are good examples to my very impressionable son. I am glad he has such good friends to enrich his life.

Jason and I have had such a fun time together. Our time is very limited, between his schedule and mine, but we make a conscious effort to spend time together every week. I am so glad I have such a supportive, loving husband. I couldn't survive without him! There is no way I would! He is always there with a loving hug, an encouraging smile, or simply a gentle touch to remind me, I will be alright. We are a great team! (0: I love the closeness between us. It keeps us both pressing forward.

I recently received a new calling. I was in cub scouting, but at the end of February, I was called to serve as the primary chorister. At first I was very scared. I have never served in this capacity before, and it seemed extremely intimidating. The more I prayed, the more peace I felt. I knew I would be blessed to do the best job I could. I had big shoes to fill, but I knew with constant prayer, I would be blessed to do my best. Amazingly, the more time I spent planning and working on the primary songs, the less pressure I felt from my school work. As I have mentioned before, school this semester has been tough. I have had lots to do and not enough time to do it. After I accepted this calling, my capacities to manage all the dealings in my life increased. I have felt the powers of heaven carrying me along. My burdens were lifted off of my shoulders. In addition to that, I feel so happy and full of peace. I feel the spirit with me every day, and it is such a wonderful blessing to have the Holy Ghost as my costant companion. (0: I never want to lose this feeling I have now. I know life is not going to be easy. It was never meant to be easy. But when we know where to go when we are sad, angry, hurt, discouraged, or just plain weary from this crazy journey through life, it is such a blessing to know God is always there. He helps us. He carries us when we can't walk anymore. He helps us to see the light shining brightly after the storms have raged around us for so long.

Life is wonderful. We have food to eat. We have jobs that provide for our family. We have a great house to live in. We have a wonderful ward and loving neighbors who watch over us. Most importantly, we have peace. Our children have peace. (0: I hope I can treasure up this time in my life and remember the peace I feel. I know the storms will come again, but how grateful I am for the increased capacity to deal with these storms. As Richard G. Scott said in the afternoon session of conference yesterday, those who are beyond the veil are always there, loving us, cheering us on, helping us. They are ever near. I am so grateful for the Gospel of Jesus Christ, and for the knowledge that my little angel is always near, that Heavenly Father and His Beloved Son, Jesus Christ, will hear and answer my prayers. In the darkest of times, they carry me along. They comfort my heart. They heal my wounds. We can see our girl again someday through the atonement of Jesus Christ. I pray I will be always stay worthy to partake of these wonderful blessings!!! (0: