Sunday June 20, 2010

So I know my last blog was very depressing. I won't lie. Last week, I was in a talespin. I wasn't feeling well physically, and I wasn't feeling good about this move. But I know, Heavenly Father was watching over us. Not only did Jason and I find a nice place to live, but I was also able to get right into an ear, nose, and throat doctor. While the doctor couldn't give me specific answers, he did offer me a little hope we can get this problem I have had for so long, fixed. We are starting simple. It is possible the ear crystals were jolted out of place when I fell and broke my ankle. He gave me some exercises to try at home, to re-set the ear rocks. If the exercises don't work, then the doctor wants me to go into the hearing/balance therapists for further testing and more advanced exercises. Jason and I have faithfully completed the exercises for several days now. I do feel a little better, but the off balance feeling isn't gone yet. It would be so nice to have an easy fix. I am not sure that will happen, but I can always hope it will. With how long I have been battling this vertigo and dizziness, the doctor is concerned there is a more advanced problem. I pray not. But time will tell.

I know Heavenly Father guided us last week as we looked for a place to live. It was nearly impossible to find a place that fit all of our requirements. Several places looked promising, and then fell through. I was beginning to think we may have to live in a tent somewhere!! Monday morning, another home opened up. It was the right size, they allowed dogs, there was a fenced yard, it was right by the walking path and golf course. It seemed like the perfect place for us to be. I sent my wonderful sister over to meet with the landlady and scope out the house for us. Unfortunately, when the landlady arrived, she had the wrong keys, and Dawn was unable to see the inside. But she mostly liked what she saw. There was another family who also viewed the property the same day. They didn't want to sign a year lease, as the dad had to re-locate again in six months. To compensate for the six month problem, they had offered $300.00 more a month. Jason and I were heartbroken. We didn't know what we would do if the house went to the other family. We prayed hard that all would work out as it should.

The next morning, the landlady called and offered the property to us, but only if we gave her a deposit by 8:00 that evening. My sister offered to go take the deposit to the lady for us. But when I spoke with my sister, she was hesitant about us taking the home without seeing the inside. She was also hesitant about the location. There was a busy road running in front of the property and that was a huge concern, especially with my little doggy runners. Jason decided he needed to go meet with Linda before we made a final decision. So off to Logan he went. It was a good thing he did. We found out the home was not at all what we wanted. The location was a huge concern. It all worked out in the end. My sister discovered another home for rent, which had not been listed in the newspaper. We were blessed to view the home, and found it to be perfect. The rent was higher, but Jason being the whiz he is, he got them to lower the rent if we signed a two year lease. The only bad part, the house isn't available until August 1. Jason will have to start working before we move. We are praying now Verizon will allow us some time after his training in Denver to move before he starts working in the store. I am not sure they will give us time, but hopefully they will. I am feeling so much better about the whole situation.

It is also good because at the moment, I have Amy and Kris's kids. Kris had his kidney transplant last Tuesday. He got released a couple of hours ago, and is doing well. I need to keep their kids for a little while longer while he recuperates from his surgery. It is so nice to have the stress of the move lifted off of my shoulders. We don't have to pack up and get moved as quickly as we thought. I know that is what is supposed to happen. Now I have time to help my sister, and also will have time in July to go stay in Burley and help my parents. I have time to work on my physical problems, and hopefully get them under control before we move. I am NOT looking forward to Jason being gone for so long. We haven't been apart but three nights since Ashley died. I am so scared to be without him. He is such a comfort and strength to me. I have leaned on him constantly, and he has loved me and lifted my spirits so many times. But I know Heavenly Father will take care of him and of us while he is away. We will be alright. I will be alright.

I still miss my Ashley every second of every day. There is a huge hole. Nothing fills it. It hurts so much. I can't wait for the day when I can hold my angel again. That thought keeps me going each day. It keeps me focused on the eternal perspective. It makes my challenges seem like bumps rather than impassible mountains. I will never be able to express my gratitude that Ashley was given to Jason and I. She changed my life. She changed my heart. I wish I could tell her what a difference her life, her example, her courage, made to me. I wish I could tell her what a privilege it was to be her mother.

May everyone keep up the faith. Don't get discouraged. Life is hard. It was not meant to be easy. But someday, we will all be blessed beyond all our understanding for our faithfulness and courage. What a glorious day that will be!!! (0: I can't wait to rest from the cares of this world with all the people I love so very very very much.

Sunday June 13, 2010

I need to write today. I have so much on my mind, if I don't get it off, I am going to burst. I am feeling very discouraged. I am not sure if it is the stress, but I haven't been feeling well over the past few days. I woke up on Wednesday with horrible vertigo and light-headedness. Of course with my head spinning, I was desperately sick to my stomach and I had a horrible headache. It was Jason's birthday, and that bummed me even more. I didn't feel like going out on a date. I didn't even have him a present. I looked for what I wanted to buy, but hadn't found what I was looking for. We spent Monday and Tuesday cleaning out the garage, trying to prepare to move. My plan was to go out on Wednesday and keep looking for his gift, but naturally, that didn't happen. I was too sick. We ended up getting chinese food and staying at home. Not much of a special birthday. I felt like I let Jason down. It was so hard! The one good part about that day: my parents came to visit. (My dad had heart ablation scheduled for Thursday at St. Luke's downtown). Amy and Kris were able to come over. We did sing happy birthday and have cake, but Jason did not get the fussing he deserved. He was fine with that, but I wasn't and still am not.

Thursday I was able to go with my parents to the hospital for my dad's heart procedure. I still felt off, but Heavenly Father blessed me with the needed energy to go. It turned into a very long day, but the procedure was successful and my dad's atrial flutter was fixed. I enjoyed being with my parents very much. Boy did the memories flood back as we sat in the room, waiting for the cath. My sweet Ashley had so many caths over the course of her lifetime. She HATED them. I could just hear her saying "Poor Grandpa! I know how awful a heart cath is!"

We didn't get home until 10:30 Thursday night, and we were all ready to crash. Hospitals are so draining! We were grateful for the wonderful outcome, despite all the waiting and other yucky stuff.

Friday morning, my dad woke up feeling sore and extremely tired. His blood pressure was low, as was his heart rate. My parents decided to stay in Nampa for another night, to make sure my dad was alright. They wanted to help Amy get ready for her Portland trip as well. I was thankful they were here, as I was still feeling sick myself. The dizziness and off balance sensations continued. I was so awfully tired. All I felt like doing was sleeping. But of course, I couldn't. There is so much to do right now. I don't have time to feel under the weather. The deadlines are fast approaching, and we have to move.

Yesterday was another long day. I woke up feeling just as sick as I did the day before. The one thing we did discover, (with my dad's blood pressure cuff), I do have very low blood pressure. That may be contributing to the dizziness and fatigue. I pushed through it, and worked hard to continue packing and sorting. Jason worked hard too. Bless his heart. He didn't take one break the whole day. I can't tell you how glad I am he is home right now. With me feeling so sick, I need his help. I couldn't do it alone. There is no way I could.

So yes, I feel LOTS of despair right now. I am physically not well. I don't know how I am going to do all that is required over the next month. I just don't know. We don't yet have a place to live in Logan. There was a home we thought might be a possibility for us that surfaced last week, but it fell through. The owners decided the dogs were not allowed, which I totally respect. Dogs are a huge risk for any rental agency. It is a miracle there are any places where pets are allowed. Being a former apartment manager, I know from first hand experience no pets makes things easier for the landlords. We found another townhome yesterday that we both LOVED. Good location. Perfect rent and space. Garage. Pet friendly. But it did not have a yard or anywhere where our dogs could run unsupervised. So we crossed that place off our list. I wouldn't push to keep the dogs, but with Ashley's loss, I can't bear to part with my babies. They are such a comfort to me. I need them. I don't want them to be the reason we can't find a place to live, but I am sure there is someplace that will be right for our family, where I can keep the dogs.

Of course, I don't know what to do about my health problems. They have been there for a long time. I haven't felt right for months. I should have pushed to get into an ENT doctor, but didn't. Now it is too late. And I am not well. I can face anything when I am at my best, but when I am as sick as I feel now, I want to fall on my face and bawl. Everything seems like an impossibly high mountain. On top of the stress of moving, and getting into school, and adjusting to a totally new life, I need to take care of my nephews. My brother in law is having a kidney transplant in two days. I am so thrilled for Kris, and I want to help. Yet here I am barely able to function as a person, let alone be a babysitter. Amy needs errands run, cats tended, yard tended. I am so willing to do anything for her. Anything!! Yet, I don't have the energy to do it!! AHHHH!! I feel so buried and discouraged and I dont know what to do. I didn't go to church today. I should have tried, but I felt so yucky this morning, and with Jason gone, I couldn't.

I know there is an answer. I feel so good about the direction we are going. The doors have opened up a bit for us. This move is taking so much faith!! Nothing about it has been easy. I don't think it will continue to get any easier. I just pray that I can find a solution to my sickness. There has to be a reason for my dizziness and fatigue and nausea. I told my mom not long ago, we could fast for the next month and still not cover all the things we need help wtih! I still feel that way. I am in no condition to fast at the moment. There will be a light at the end of this dark tunnel. I am sure of it. We are trying so hard to be righteous and live so we are worthy to receive personal revelation. I know it will come. Please pray for us, and for all the others in this world who struggle, who are sad, who are at the end of their rope. There are so many out there who have heavy burdens to bear.

Saturday June 5, 2010

It has been another amazing week. The boys are finally out of school. YEA! I couldn't be more grateful for the year we have had. The teachers were amazing! All of our boys have had excellent grades. They had good friends, and I was able to spend time in all the classrooms at the end of the year. The school staff was exceptional. Not to mention the wonderful memorial the school created in Ashley's honor. I couldn't have asked for a better experience. I pray this coming year can be just as wonderful.

Wow, so where does the Winn family stand at the end of another week? You would think we would be at least a little closer to a decision. I suppose we are, in a way. Jason did have an interview with Verizon in Logan yesterday. The interview went well, and Jason was pleased with the general manager and what the company could offer. It would be a good job, and I know Jason would excell there. No doubt about it. The question remains: is it the right thing for our family to move to Logan? Is this a sign we are supposed to move there? We don't know that. Getting a job is only one part. We have to find a place to live, and there is still the out of state tuition problem. Those things may fall into place if Jason accepts the job. Twin Falls appeals greatly to me when it comes to housing and affordability. We found several possible rental properites there that interested us. If only Logan had housing like Twin Falls does!! Trivial thing, but we need to rent a home, so we can keep our animals. I refuse to give up my dogs. The cats we are not keeping, but my dogs are my life. They are so theraputic for me. I know the boys love them. Jason loves them too. I have been praying that we will find a place to live that will let us have them.

Anyway, sorry for the ramble there. So much to think about! Sometimes I feel like my head is spinning. We decided tomorrow we are going to have a family fast. Jason and I need to fast. I have once already, but we need to fast as a family. We need all of our faith to make this decision. We also want to fast for my dad, Amy's husband, Kris, and for my brother. Amy's husband found out last week he will get a kidney on June 15!! No more dialysis for him!! YEA! What a blessing for them!! We are all thrilled and excited about the pending transplant, but of course, we want them to have every possible blessing with them as they go to Oregon. We need to fast for my dad. My dad is going to have ablation done on his heart this Thursday in Boise. The procedure is fairly safe, but my dad is sick today. He started coughing. He also needs special blessings to help him stay well, and be strong enough to have this procedure done. Then there is my brother, who has a horrible sleep apnea problem. He finally got a new machine and mask, but is still struggling to wear it at night. He has to get the sleep apnea under control. Right now, everytime he sits down, he falls alseep. He struggles to drive long distances for fear he will fall asleep. He can't work and his anxiety is out of control because he is always exhausted. I am telling you, we could fast for the next week and still not cover all the things we need to fast for. I haven't even mentioned my Grandma Walquist, who recently had a heart attack, or Grandpa Morgan, who has cancer on his ears. My family is a mess right now. Ha ha ha! (0:

The one thing I do know: I know we will find our path. I have no doubt there is a place meant for our family to be. Whether it be Logan or Twin Falls, Heavenly Father will help us to go where we are supposed to be. All will work out. We have been in this place before. Trying to decide where to move, what to do next. We have always received the inspiration we needed. I know we will now. If there is one thing I have learned over the past few months, it is that we are not alone. Heavenly Father is mindful of our every step. He wants us to be happy and have joy in this life. He sends down blessings for the smallest things we do right. He guides us and directs us. He won't leave us alone. I know this to be true. You watch. The answer will come. Our family will be blessed. We are trying so hard to do what is right!!! We are doing better now than we have ever done before. Once again, we are praying for a miracle, and I know it will come. (0:

Tuesday June 1, 2010

I am always amazed at how quickly time flies by. Here we are in June! The kids only have two days left at school. So much has happened in the past three months. I feel like I am in a whirlwind, going from one day to the next, floating from one activity to another. The days blend together week after week. The past couple of weeks have been more stressful because of all the decisions we are struggling to make. We hit a pretty big hurdle last week, and now are trying to find a way around it.

As I mentioned previously, I was accepted to Utah State University and am so excited to return to college there. I LOVE Utah State. I attended there 12 years ago, and the classes and teachers were amazing in every way. Well, last week I found out we don't qualify for a residency exception. Thus, the tuition become outrageously expensive. I talked to two different people trying to find a way around the law, but there wasn't a loop to be found. Of course, I was super discouraged. I felt like a door was slammed in my face. I know we are supposed to go back to Utah. I know I am supposed to pursue Elementary Education and school counseling. I felt so good about Utah State. I have prayed and prayed and prayed to know the right path to take. Jason and I discussed the situation. We figured we have two options. One, we could still move to Utah and both work for a year until we were granted residency. Two, we could stay in Idaho and I could attend college here. We both know we need to leave the Nampa/Boise area. Thus, BSU and NNU are out. Jason and I don't want to go to Pocatello or Rexburg, so ISU and BYU-Idaho are out. That leaves CSI in Twin Falls. I did some research and discovered I can finish up my bachelor's degree at CSI through the ISU extension program. I was thrilled about that! I went ahead and submitted my transcripts for evaluation to see what classes ISU would accept. So now, we are considering Twin Falls. I am not sure that is the path to take. If ISU won't accept some of my classes, I want to shoot for USU, but will have to wait a year. Where I attended USU previously, I could begin right where I left off. I don't want to move backwards in my progression. I don't want to wait a year either. The other consideration: I want to pursue a master's degree in school counseling. Thus, when I finish up my bachelor's degree, I want to make sure all the pre-requisite classes for admission into that program are completed. I worry if I get my bachelor's degree in Idaho, I won't have a smooth transition into the school couseling program at USU, which is where I want to finish up that degree. There are so many things to consider: living costs, available jobs, available housing, etc. I want my kids to be happy. I want Jason to be happy. I want to know we are where Heavenly Father wants and needs us to be. I have fasted and prayed and been to the temple and I still don't feel we know what to do. It makes my head spin to think about it sometimes. But I know the answer will come. I will not lose faith. I just hate the unknown. With Jason not working, the unknown becomes even more stressful.

Ok, so I have so much more to write. But it is time to put the troops to bed. I will update more later. I will say we had a lovely weekend in Burley. It was perfect in every way! I will elaborate more on that later.