Stupid Dang Depression!! I HATE IT!

Last night was a horrible night. I absolutely could not get a grip on myself. All I could do was cry. Jason was amazing! He tried everything he could do to console me. However, I was up a good portion of the night. I don't know what is wrong. It is like all of a sudden I am at the bottom again. I know this happens to me, but why now? There are so many exciting things coming up soon. I am thrilled to be back in school. My classes for fall are going to be challenging but so fun! (0: I am not sure about my job at Woodruff yet, but hopefully I will be working there as well. The summer has been awesome. We have been able to do lots of fun things. The kids have loved the time with cousins. We just had a wonderful trek into Yellowstone, which was a blast. I guess on the flip side, there are some challenges to overcome. One of the biggest is that Jason will lose his job soon. There is nothing he can do to prevent that. He has done everything he can, been the best worker he can be. He has been responsible, hard working, kind, patient, compassionate, and accommodating. It doesn't matter that all his customers, as well as management and employees love him. If his numbers don't measure up, he is gone. It sucks!! Verizon has no loyalty what so ever! It is all about numbers. I would rather Jason work for a company who rewards their employees for hard work and appreciates good leaders when they have them. I am concerned about the loss of a job. I know Jason can get a job anywhere. I am confident about that. But we already have financial strain. I hope we make it through.

I also haven't felt the best lately. I knew at the first part of the summer I needed to deal with my health challenges. I kept putting it off because I hate doctors so much. Then I put it off because I knew we couldn't afford medical bills. Now I won't have the means to do anything about it. I have learned to accommodate. Some days I do fine. Other days, I feel pretty crappy. I have pushed myself every day to exercise, even on the bad days. Even though I am not losing weight, the exercise certainly helps my mood. I have learned I must take time after a hard workout to walk around and collect myself. I always feel dizzy when I finish. I have also learned not to be afraid of the dizziness. It is an every day thing I deal with. This week has been especially bad for me. But it always is when my hormones are out of whack. I think that is the reason I have been extra tired. Afternoons are always hard. I have more problems then. Sometimes driving in traffic bothers me. Sometimes I will have waves of dizziness while sitting in church, at the temple, waiting at stop lights, or at home while watching TV. When I get off balance, it is hard to walk. It is hard to sit. I get nervous, especially when I am driving. But like I said, I have learned to accommodate. I don't go places when I don't feel well. I rest when I need to. And I survive. I do get down when I feel under the weather. But it is my own fault. It isn't like I have done anything about it.

The other problem I have is this awful feeling of worthlessness. When those stupid feelings hit me, they hit me hard. I think that is one of the only ways Satan can get at me. He knows I am a person who has always struggled with self-esteem. I don't have any close friends, with the exception of Jason. I don't feel talented or extraordinary in any way. Basically, I see myself as a plain old individual and he plays up on that every chance he gets. I am trying so hard to overcome this weakness, but as of yet, I have not found a way to conquer it. I will just have to keep looking and keep trying to beat those blues. It makes me feel awful when I get so down. I have said this numerous times before: I have so many wonderful things in my life. I don't want to be ungrateful or unappreciative of all the good there is. But I can't seem to keep myslf on top. It is hard to explain these feelings to Jason when they come. He takes my unhappiness to mean I am unhappy with him, which isn't true. I am simply trying to understand my stupid body and figure out a way to beat it. I don't always want to talk about it. I can't always explain how I am feeling. I don't want others to see me as a wimpy sap. You wouldn't believe how long I have lived in this way and no one has ever known how hard it has been. I am pretty dang proud of myself for being so strong and enduring such a horrible personal trial.

Well, life calls. I was hoping writing would help me understand myself a little better. It didn't make me feel better, but I do have hope I will pull out of this. I just have to keep up the faith.