Regrets

I have no idea what is the matter with me lately. I just haven't been feeling like myself. I have been emotional and tired. (No, I am NOT pregnant!) I haven't slept well. I miss Ashley terribly. My heart has been hurting so badly! I thought I was dealing pretty well with life in general, but lately I don't feel like I am. It all started around the time of her birthday. Ashley's birthday is July 19, which is only a few days after mine. I wanted her birthday to be special. Last year, we were in Burley. We went swimming, ate pizza, and had cake. We also lauched balloons at her gravesite. I bought gifts for my neices in honor of my princess. It was a wonderful day. This year, we talked with the boys and decided to do two of her favorite activites. We went to Chuck-A-Rama and we picked out some of her most favorite candy in lieu of cake. We talked about her and looked at pictures. It was a good day for all of us. Shortly after her birthday, we went to Yellowstone. This was the first year we were in Yellowstone without her. I thought I was okay with that. On the day we came home, I felt myself aching inside, missing her, wishing she were able to be with us. She has been on my mind constantly since. It doesn't help that last week, I was reminded of mistakes I made in my past. It made me think of all the time I wasted. I am not proud of who I was then. It wasn't that I was an evil person, but I put priorities on things which were not important. I had one friend in particular whom I cared for a great deal. But this friend did not have honorable intentions. The friendship led me to places I did not want to be. Fortunately for me, my husband came to my rescue. He helped me to see the error of my ways. He helped me down the road to repentence. We began to be a team once again. I was able to communicate with him as I had never been able to before. We fixed what was broken. I will be forever be grateful I had my life in order when Ashley died. I needed the gospel to get me through. I also needed my husband. I could not have survived without him. The thing that kills me most now is how much time I wasted on unimportant things. I could have spent more quality time with my angel. I could have served better. I could have been closer to the spirit. Now I have to live with all these regrets. Lately, they seem so HUGE! It breaks my heart that I was unable to see the eternal perspective for so long!! In addition, I hurt my husband a great deal. I think a lot of his struggles stem from me and who I was then. I am trying so hard to love him and make him feel like my special king. Unfortunately with life circumstances like they are, he is already down. Today I know he was down because of me. While I put my life in order, and am living the gospel of Jesus Christ to the fullest every day, I have to live with these regrets. It doesn't make me like myself at all. Sometimes I feel I am never going to be good enough to be with my little girl someday. I hope she knows how very much she changed my life. I hope she knows how sorry I am for all the times when I didn't read to her, didn't take her for walks in her little purple wheelchair, didn't sing her to sleep, didn't spend an extra hour talking about the stars in her science class, didn't teach her more about the gospel. I can't take that back, but I can make the future better. I can make sure I never repeat those mistakes again. One day at a time!!