Ashley is gone

Ashley passed away peacefully about 6:15 this morning. We will update the blog soon for funeral arrangements. Thank you all so very much for your prayers, for your love and support!!

5:45 a.m. UPDATE

It has been a horrible night. Ashley definitely has pneumonia. I think I have slept about two hours. Ashley has slept even less. She is in and out of drowsiness, but hasn't been able to really sleep. Her breathing continues to decline. You can hear the fluid in her chest. It is bad enough now, she is almost gasping for air. I have given her all the medicine I dare. I don't know what else to do but pray. Jason gave her another blessing a few hours ago, and she did calm down for a bit after the blessing. At the current moment, she is NOT calm. She cannot breathe! It is horrible!!! But at least her fever is down. I am so grateful the fever isn't raging anymore. I gave Ashley lasix around 2:00, but so far, she has not been able to go to the bathroom. I attempted to get her on the potty, (at her request), around 4:30. She went a little bit, but then I couldn't get her back into bed and had to get Jason to lift her. Her body is shutting down. I am praying now that Heavenly Father will be merciful and take her home. Oh how I pray she won't have to stay on this earth and suffer like she has tonight!!!!!!!!!!

URGENT UPDATE

Ashley spiked a fever just after 11:00 tonight. It was 100.9 under the arm. I called Nancy for help. Nancy thinks she is most likely getting pneumonia from the fluid. There is nothing we can do but try to keep her comfortable and fight the fever as best we can. At the moment, she is breathing super fast (expected because of the fever), and you can hear the congestion in her chest. You know she is really struggling when she begs for oxygen!! I hope and pray that Heavenly Father won't let her suffer much longer!!! I am so worried and scared!!!! Please pray for us!!!!!!!

Tuesday March 2, 2010

Just when we thought things couldn't get worse, they did. I don't mean to be pessimistic. But Ashley has continued to decline. Thankfully, last night was a better night for her. She slept from midnight clear until 5:30 a.m. I was thankful she was able to sleep, but it meant she didn't get a dose of lasix in the night. I wasn't about to wake her up. I figured sleep was more important that the medicine. I was up at 3:00 to let the dog out, and then stayed awake for awhile, just listening to her breathe. She was breathing so fast, and I could hear rattles in her chest. I knew she was fighting the fluid. But she looked so peaceful, despite the breathing difficulties. It was almost like she was in another place. I was so grateful to see her be at peace.

As you can imagine, not having an extra dose of lasix, she sounded awful when she woke. She was coughing and puffing. It took most of an hour before her meds kicked in and she was able to relax and go back to sleep. Even then, she was working to breathe. She did wake up just briefly around 11:15 and tried to eat a little bit, but by the time she finished, she was so exhausted, she laid back and crashed immediately.

I was so thankful for Jason's help today. Austin turned up with an upset stomach. He was feeling sick last night, and still had trouble this morning, so I kept him home. Of course, we totally freak when we have germs in the house. We have to. Anything that passes to Ashley would kill her. Jason and I don't want sickness to take her life. She is suffering enough! So, to protect me from the germs, he stayed home and took care of Austin so I wouldn't have to interact with him so much. I don't want Jason to get sick either, but he said it was more important for me to stay healthy. Bless his heart!! I was very very very grateful he was home. With Ashley continuing to struggle so much, I was nervous all day long. He always calms me down and makes me laugh. I needed that distraction today.

This evening, Ashley's breathing got worse. I ended up giving her ativan, morphine, and hydrocodone around 4:30. I gave her more morphine this time, which is what Nancy suggested we do to help Ashley's breathing relax. It did help. She calmed down and fell asleep for quite a while. Jason, in the mean time, took the boys to Pack meeting. I was so glad the boys were able to go and get their awards. What a trooper Jason is for helping do that tonight!!! (0:

Shortly before they came back from the church, Ashley woke up in horrible pain. Her legs were paining her greatly!! They hurt so much, she cried! I didn't know what to do. It wasn't time for more pain meds yet, so I sat and gently massaged them. I also got the heating pads out and put them on her legs. It was literally a minute by minute countdown to the time she could take her pain medication. She was in so much pain, she begged her dad to give her a blessing. Oh our poor angel!!!! She was miserable!!! What a blessing to have the priesthood!!!

With the meds on board, and the heating pads back on, and a wonderful priesthood blessing given, she at last fell asleep, but not for long. The lasix hit and she had to go to the bathroom. Her legs were still so sore, she struggled desperately to get on the toilet. Then she was so weak, I couldn't get her off. I had to call Jason to come lift her off and help put her back in bed. Thank goodness for his He-man muscles!!!! If he hadn't been here, I don't know what I would have done. She was stuck and I am not strong enough to lift her back on the bed. I think it is time to consider Depends. Nancy suggested that option when she was here on Monday. I told Ashley we could use them in the bed, and she wouldn't have to get up. With how sick she is tonight, she was willing to consider that. I will discuss that with Nancy tomorrow. We have to do something. Ashley can't get to the toilet. It is awful!!

I have a feeling we are in for another long night. I hope not, but Ashley is not doing well. I pray with all my heart and soul that soon Ashley will be released from her broken physical body. Oh how she suffers!! I can't bear to watch her!!! It is killing me!! It is killing Jason!! It would be such a blessing for her to go. We will continue to pray that soon she can be released from her burdens. They are so heavy!!!!!

Monday March 1, 2010

This is going to be a very short post. I am super tired tonight, and Ashley is not doing well.

Last night was horrible. Ashley woke up just after 2:30 and could not breathe. Her lungs sounded horrible, and her nose was stuffed up. She was miserable! I did what Nancy told me: gave her a dose of lasix to help with the congestion, gave her ativan and morphine, propped her up high on pillows, and prayed!!! I also used the saline nasal spray to help get some of the gunk out of her nose. The spray did help so she could blow her nose. But she was up for almost three hours after that. I have no idea when she finally was able to sleep. We put on a movie and I fell back to sleep sometime in the middle of it and woke up as it was ending. Ashley had to go the bathroom a couple of times in that time frame. Thankfully, when I got up this morning, her breathing was more relaxed. She still struggled, but she was not heaving and puffing and congested like she was in the night. Nancy and I agreed that she needs the middle of the night lasix dose to help keep on top of the fluid in her lungs. It means we have to get up a little more in the night, but I don't care. If it keeps her comfortable, I will fly to the moon if I had to. I hate to see her working so hard to get air. It is horrible in every way!!!! We will also increase the morphine and ativan as needed. Those drugs work well together in combination to help relax her respirations a bit. I was worried about over medicating Ashley, but right now, I am not. It is all about comfort, and if she is sleepy, it is a blessing. It is so much better than seeing her work for every breath!!

Over the course of the evening, her breathing grew worse again. I can hear the congestion in her chest as she is next to me now. I propped her up really high to help her breathe a little better, and I made sure to give her a good dose of ativan and morphine. I just pray she will be able to breathe and rest tonight. I am so worried right now. It doesn't look good. If it comes down to it, I will ask Jason to give her a blessing. I have great faith that a priesthood blessing will relieve her suffering. I trust in that more than I do in the medicine. Miracles happen, and we have seen so many over the course of Ashley's lifetime. I know they won't stop now. Not when we believe in a loving Father in Heaven, who hears and answers every prayer. I know she would be blessed. Ashley has such great faith!!!

May everyone have a good night. Keep praying for us. The battle is still raging!!!!

Sunday February 28, 2010

How grateful I am for priesthood blessings. Last night, I was unconsolable. I felt like the world was crashing down around me, like I was in a deep, dark hole of sadness and I would never escape. I cried and cried. Poor Jason came in and sat by me, trying to figure out how to help me. I couldn't even talk. I didn't know how to voice the grief that was gripping my heart. He finally suggested I have a blessing. I can't tell you how peaceful I felt once he lifted his hands from my head. Then I cried and cried even more because I was so grateful for the warm reassurance from my Father in Heaven that I would be alright. I am so deeply grateful for Jason, and for his unconditional love. He is such a good man. I can't believe I am so blessed to have a man like him as my eternal companion. They say you should marry above yourself, and I did. Jason continually lifts me higher. With him by my side, as well as the love of so many others, my parents and siblings and friends, and with my Heavenly Father, I know I will hold together. I won't crumple into little pieces like I fear I will.

That being said, today was another heart wrenching day. Ashley continued to struggle. Her breathing has been labored. The morphine and other drugs do help her be sleepy, so she spends more time sleeping. But the breathing, I don't think it will improve. It is hard to watch her. She struggles so for every breath. She continues to weaken. She nearly fell three times today attempting to get to the bedside potty. I did slide it closer to the bed, in hopes she might reach it easier. It was still a major effort for her to get up. She was able to eat some turkey this afternoon, when we had Sunday dinner. I fixed turkey especially for her, at her request. I know how much she loves eating turkey. She couldn't eat much, but at least she was blessed to get a few small bites.

I also successfully gave her a "wheelchair" bath this afternoon. She can't get into the shower on her chair, but I sat her in her wheelchair, wrapped her in towels, and rigged a hair thing with a garbage sack so I could wash her hair. It worked beautifully and she relaxed so much after a refreshing wash. She is having more problems with incontinence. The accidents are becoming more frequent. She gets so desperately upset when she loses control of her bowels. I always try to reassure her. We don't tell anyone, especially not her brothers. It isn't her fault. I remind her that it is the disease. We clean things up and then she is alright. Bless her heart!!

This week is going to be the biggest trial of our faith yet. I feel that through every fiber of my being. I am not sure Ashley will live out the week. I know the time is coming when I have to let go of my angel. I am going to have to pray every second of every day to be strong enough to let her go and have the faith to keep moving forward. But that is what we will do. Keep moving forward, trusting in our Heavenly Father. I know with lots and lots and lots of faith, I can bear the grief that is already consuming my heart and soul. Thanks to everyone for continuing to support us. We need you. Please don't ever think your comments, no matter how small they are, are not helpful. Every word is a blessing!!! What a huge blessing to have so many wonderful neighbors and friends and church members behind us!! We love you all!! We look up to you all!! Thanks for being our angels!!! (0: May everyone have a beautiful week full of peace and safety!!!

Saturday February 27, 2010

I am happy to say Ashley slept for five straight hours last night!! Yea! We both slept better than we have for a long time. Man it feels good to sleep. I remember the days when my kids were small, and I was up and down all the time. Felt like zombie I did. Ha ha ha! I was so tired during that time in my life. But I survived. There will come a time when I will be able to sleep.

It was another long day for us. Jason was super busy at work. I am thankful for the customers. It means Idaho Watersports continues to be successful. They deserve to succeed. They all work so hard. The bummer part about Jason's busy day was that he had to work until late. I think he made it home by 8:30. I missed him a lot. It was a very emotional day for me, and I wanted to curl up by him and cry for a while. He is always so good to sit and hold me when I am sad. These days, I feel sad all the time. I try to stay positive, but it is so hard. I find myself feeling emotional over the smallest things. Sometimes commercials make me cry. I mean, come on!! Who cries over a commercial???

Ashley was thankfully very sleepy all day long. Her breathing was still rapid, but I felt like she was working a little less than she did yesterday. I think the morphine is helping, as well as the increase in lasix. Her face was very swollen when she woke. It has continued to look puffy. She had huge bags under her eyes this evening. The swelling, coupled with the pale white skin made her look awful. Her eyes didn't help. The additional morphine makes her eyes look glazed and unfocused. The past couple of days, her eyes have looked so empty and lifeless. It kills me! She has always had such sparkle in her eyes. I miss the sparkle so very much!! There are so many things I miss.

She didn't hardly eat a thing today. I had to push her to try. I was so fearful of her poor stomach being empty with morphine on board. I know morphine has been a problem in the past. I pray it won't be a problem now. We need it. It does help. I would be beside myself if there was nothing we could offer Ashley to make her more comfortable. I pray she can stay comfortable throughout the night.

Tonight I am so full of grief. I can feel her slipping away, more and more every day. I don't want her to suffer. I know there is no quality of life left for her anymore. She has made her peace with everyone. Her affairs are in order. She is ready to return to her heavenly home. It would be such a blessing for her to go home. But dang it all, I don't want to let her go. I just don't know how I will be able to live without my special angel girl. I am going to miss her so very much!!! I am going to miss girl's night out, shopping trips, getting haircuts, making crafts, studying together, dancing together. I am going to miss her smile and her laugh and her brave little heart that is so full of love for everyone. It hurts so much already and she is still here. Oh how it hurts!!!! But I have so many examples to look to, people who have walked this path and have survived. They still smile. They still live. Their lives didn't stop just because they lost a loved one. I have to go on too, for my wonderful husband and three beautiful boys. I have great faith Heavenly Father will give me the courage to keep living and breathing and loving life. He will help me bear this burden that seems, at this time, like the biggest, tallest mountain. Thanks to everyone for your continued faith in us, in me. I feel so weak!!! It helps so much to know others believe in me still. Thank you so much!!!! Keep praying for us. The hardest time is still yet to come.