Saturday February 27, 2010

I am happy to say Ashley slept for five straight hours last night!! Yea! We both slept better than we have for a long time. Man it feels good to sleep. I remember the days when my kids were small, and I was up and down all the time. Felt like zombie I did. Ha ha ha! I was so tired during that time in my life. But I survived. There will come a time when I will be able to sleep.

It was another long day for us. Jason was super busy at work. I am thankful for the customers. It means Idaho Watersports continues to be successful. They deserve to succeed. They all work so hard. The bummer part about Jason's busy day was that he had to work until late. I think he made it home by 8:30. I missed him a lot. It was a very emotional day for me, and I wanted to curl up by him and cry for a while. He is always so good to sit and hold me when I am sad. These days, I feel sad all the time. I try to stay positive, but it is so hard. I find myself feeling emotional over the smallest things. Sometimes commercials make me cry. I mean, come on!! Who cries over a commercial???

Ashley was thankfully very sleepy all day long. Her breathing was still rapid, but I felt like she was working a little less than she did yesterday. I think the morphine is helping, as well as the increase in lasix. Her face was very swollen when she woke. It has continued to look puffy. She had huge bags under her eyes this evening. The swelling, coupled with the pale white skin made her look awful. Her eyes didn't help. The additional morphine makes her eyes look glazed and unfocused. The past couple of days, her eyes have looked so empty and lifeless. It kills me! She has always had such sparkle in her eyes. I miss the sparkle so very much!! There are so many things I miss.

She didn't hardly eat a thing today. I had to push her to try. I was so fearful of her poor stomach being empty with morphine on board. I know morphine has been a problem in the past. I pray it won't be a problem now. We need it. It does help. I would be beside myself if there was nothing we could offer Ashley to make her more comfortable. I pray she can stay comfortable throughout the night.

Tonight I am so full of grief. I can feel her slipping away, more and more every day. I don't want her to suffer. I know there is no quality of life left for her anymore. She has made her peace with everyone. Her affairs are in order. She is ready to return to her heavenly home. It would be such a blessing for her to go home. But dang it all, I don't want to let her go. I just don't know how I will be able to live without my special angel girl. I am going to miss her so very much!!! I am going to miss girl's night out, shopping trips, getting haircuts, making crafts, studying together, dancing together. I am going to miss her smile and her laugh and her brave little heart that is so full of love for everyone. It hurts so much already and she is still here. Oh how it hurts!!!! But I have so many examples to look to, people who have walked this path and have survived. They still smile. They still live. Their lives didn't stop just because they lost a loved one. I have to go on too, for my wonderful husband and three beautiful boys. I have great faith Heavenly Father will give me the courage to keep living and breathing and loving life. He will help me bear this burden that seems, at this time, like the biggest, tallest mountain. Thanks to everyone for your continued faith in us, in me. I feel so weak!!! It helps so much to know others believe in me still. Thank you so much!!!! Keep praying for us. The hardest time is still yet to come.