Monday February 8, 2010

Today was another long, difficult day for Ashley. She was miserable from the very start. The pain in her back and legs continued. Her poor digestive system was in distress, which isn't anything new. Her swelling was about the same. This morning she was breathing alright, but by tonight, she was really working to breathe. I gave her some extra lasix with her evening meds, hoping her breathing would ease a bit. So far, she hasn't had any relief, but I hope she will have enough she can sleep. She has been so discouraged. Every little thing brought her to tears. Nancy suggested this afternoon that we keep her on a regular dose of ativan. She felt ativan would help with the sadness, as well as the anxiety. I do hope it might offer Ashley some relief. It is so hard to watch her cry!!!! I feel so darn helpless!!!

Tonight she felt sick enough, the only thing she wanted, the only source of comfort for her, was for me to sit with her and massage her arms and legs and back. I sat with her for a very long time. I think it was as comforting to me to be near her as it was for her to have me close. I really need to thank the wonderful staff at Idaho Watersports for allowing Jason to come home a little early tonight so I could be with my angel. They are preparing for their big boat show, and I know Jason is so vital at this time. I know it was a sacrifice to let him come home. Thanks to all you wonderful, caring, compassionate people!! I needed Jason tonight.

I had a couple of emails today that made me worry I have given some people the wrong impression of Ashley. I want everyone to know Ashley has never, ever once blamed Heavenly Father for her suffering, or think He is punishing her. She has never once been angry at Him. She knows this is her earthly trial, this is what is going to help her learn what she needs to learn to gain her eternal salvation. She doesn't sit day after day questioning the reason she is still here. Of course she wonders more so at the times when her pain is so unbearable. Who wouldn't? Many family and friends, watching her intense suffering, have also wondered why she has been allowed to remain here for so much longer than expected. We all thought she would be able to return to her heavenly home by now. Ashley knows what awaits her there, and she wants to be free from these earthly burdens. She wants to go home. Our angel has so much faith. She has always said from the beginning, Thy will be done. The day Jason gave her the blessing of release, we directly spoke to her about that very concept. She understood that it may not yet be her time to go, and she was okay with that. The hard part now is that she is so ready to go home. She desires that more than anything. Her faith is not weakening. She knows there is a plan and when the time is right, she will finally be free from the cares of this wicked world. I know she will be blessed to endure this final stretch of her life. I know it will every fiber of my being!!