Friday February 26, 2010

Today was another long day. Seems like I say that all the time now. But the days seem so long at times. Last night didn't help. Ashley and I had a horrible night. Poor Jason did too. We were all tired and grumpy this morning. Ashley's problem wasn't the diarrhea. She couldn't breathe well. It was awful! She finally gave up and turned on the TV shortly after 6:30. I was so tired, I fell back to sleep for a little bit, but I know she didn't. The boys were thankfully very cooperative. I wasn't in the best mood, and it was so nice to have them get ready without too many reminders. Yesterday, Austin woke up searly. When I came out into the living room at 7:45, he was dressed and ready for school, coat and all. He had laid out Spencer and Preston's backpacks and shoes. He had breakfast on the table, with bowls and spoons for everyone. We were like, "Who are you and what did you do with Austin?" Ha ha ha ha! For those of you who know Austin well, you are really laughing right now. He is NOT a morning child. It usually takes lots of reminding to get him out the door on time. Anyway, we are so proud of our boys. They are amazing!!! When I need them to step up and help out, they do. What troopers!!! (0: Jason and I can't praise them enough for how well they have done. Their help this morning lightened my load considerably!

This morning, I felt so overwhelmed. It is desperately hard to see Ashley continue to decline. It is desperately hard to see her struggle to breathe, to see her so weak and forlorn looking all the time. Her color is awful. Her eyes are droopy and lifeless. Her legs hurt like heck. I know she suffers greatly!!!! Through it all, she continues to bear her burdens with grace and dignity. She is not bitter. She is not angry. She doesn't complain. She will cry, but only because of the intense pain and discomfort. I don't blame her there! I would cry too!! I know Ashley is dying. I see little pieces of her disappear every day. This morning, the grief was unbearable! I felt sick and tired to boot. I was a mess. I didn't feel strong enough to handle it all. It was like I had a 50 pound weight on my heart. I knelt down in the living room, and poured my heart out to my Father in Heaven. I prayed and prayed and prayed like I haven't prayed for a very long time. As soon as I closed my prayer, I felt the weight lift from my heart. I felt the fear and the grief slither away. I felt peace. I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, I would hold up under the pressure. I knew Ashley would be blessed. And I watched the blessings of heaven poured out upon our angel over the course of the day. She was able to breathe a little bit better. She was able to rest. I saw more comfort in her than I have seen in a long time. That wasn't by chance she was able to have some peace. It was a direct answer to the prayer of a distraught mother. How grateful I am for prayer! It works!!

Nancy and I talked again today about how to help Ashley as best we can. The plan is to add an additional dose of lasix in the night time. We are also adding a small dose of morphine in between doses of ativan and hydrocodone. I tried the morphine this afternoon and it helped her breathing to slow a bit. We have to get the fluid under control so she can breathe. We are also going to add immodium to help control the diarrhea a little bit more. We are hoping that will help her so she won't have to get up to the bathroom so much. Bathroom trips take so much out of her. I had to give her a sponge bath today as well. She was too weak and out of breath to even consider sitting in the shower on her chair. It isn't her favorite thing, and it still zapped her energy, but it was easier. Every little bit of comfort we can give, we try to give.

I can't express my gratitude to my Heavenly Father for this day. We were blessed, in many ways. I know we will continue to move forward with faith. I know we will survive!!!!