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Sunday, February 21, 2010

Sunday February 21, 2010

Last night was not a good night. Ashley was feeling very poorly at bedtime, and she needed my exclusive attention. I felt pretty rotten myself. I had a headache from Hades, so I didn't want to blog. There wasn't much positive to say anyway. It felt good to put it aside for a little while.

Neither Ashley or myself slept worth a darn last night. Lately, I wake up several times in the night. I know Jason does that all the time. I have no idea how he runs on so little sleep. He seems to handle it, but it kills me when I don't get enough sleep. When I woke up this morning, I felt like I had been run over by a truck. It was the third night in a row with very little sleep, and I was feeling it. Ashley felt it too. She was so tired and her body was hurting and she couldn't breathe. The breathing is getting harder every day. I was so hoping she wouldn't have to deal with that. Unfortunately, that isn't the case. I got her meds down as quickly as I could. She couldn't have any more ativan at that time. I gave her a dose at 6:00, along with her pain medication so she could attempt to fall back to sleep. Then it was hurry hurry to get the boys ready for church. Jason took them today. YEA!! (0: Because I slept in so late, (I didn't get up until almost 8:20), they didn't make sacrament meeting, but they did make everything else. Today I felt envious. I needed the spiritual refill. I miss being at church!! I miss the people. I miss the uplift. I miss the sacrament. I miss everything! It has been a while now since I have been able to attend. I was so proud of Jason for going. He is normally the one who stays with Ashley, so it is different to be the one who goes. But I know they all reaped many blessings for making it to church. (0:

While they were gone, Ashley was finally able to take some more pain meds. She was thankfully able to rest for a while after that. It gave me enough time to take a shower and clean up, prepare dinner, read my scriptures, pray, and read my Gospel Principles lesson for the day. I have to pat myself on the back for that because lately I haven't read much. I feel such a huge difference when I read from the scriptures. HUGE!! My cup is refilled. I feel the Holy Ghost fill my heart. I need that peace so desperately right now. There is so little that makes me happy these days, that gives me peace.

Ashley woke up right as our men came home from church. She was still pretty miserable, and wanted to take a bath. We decided, due to her lack of strength and how out of breath she already was, to put her potty seat into the bathtub and have her sit and shower instead of trying to get her in and out of the tub. It is a little easier that way. She still struggled tremendously to get from the wheelchair into the shower and from the shower back into the wheelchair. Then she had to sit for almost ten minutes in the wheelchair before she had the strength to get back into bed. Then of course, she fell asleep as soon as I helped her get dressed.

We let her sleep for a few minutes while Jason and I finished getting dinner on the table. Ashley woke up right as we started eating and wanted to try some potatoes. I was thrilled she wanted to eat. Jason helped me clean up, and then I came in to lay by Ashley for a while. I should have slept, but Ashley and I ended up watching Starstruck on Disney. I did close my eyes for a little bit when the movie ended, but that was short lived. Ashley by that time, was struggling again and needed medicine and to go to the bathroom. Jason was so helpful this afternoon though. The boys were hyper all afternoon. They were driving us crazy! We sent them outside, but they didn't stay out for long. Jason wanted me to be able to rest so he took them to the school for a while. Bless his heart! He was tired too, but I was so thankful for the quiet time. I hope I returned the favor a little bit tonight. I tried to run interference so he could have Jason time too. We have to keep spelling each other off or we won't make it. I think he does way better than I do. He is such a sweetheart!!! (0:

Ashley continued to have a rough night. When I tried to help her to the bathroom a while ago, she was so weak, she got stuck halfway on and halfway off the bed. She wasn't strong enough to push herself up and I couldn't get her up. Her legs hurt too bad to get down too. She couldn't move them. When I tried to lift her her, she would cry out in pain. It was just horrible!! She was upset! I was upset!! I was about to call Jason for help, but she was finally able to get her leg to move backward enough she could get off the bed. Then I helped her up again. That took all her air and then she couldn't breathe. She turned absolutely blue! I thought she was going to pass out! It scared the tar out of me!! She is still panting now and that happened over an hour ago. Thankfully, it was time for ativan, so I gave her a huge dose. Ativan does calm her so she feels like she can breathe better. What a blessing to have something!! I can't bear to watch her struggle like that. Brings back way to many memories from when she was little. I do hope tonight will be a better night for all of us. We are all feeling weary to the bone.

I am going to shoot Dr. Etheridge an email tonight to ask her what we can do when we max out Ashley's lasix. I have a feeling that is going to happen very soon. The breathing is a huge issue. She can't breathe, and I don't know what we can do when we can't give her any more lasix. It is frightening in every way!! I don't want her to die like that!! I have prayed over and over again that if it is God's will, she will be able to die peacefully, not struggling for every breath. I can't bear that!! I CAN'T! But it isn't in our hands. I do know, Ashley has angels watching over her. I know that. I feel that. If she is given that burden, she will also be given a way to bear it. And we will too. I can't imagine how I can watch that, but if we have to, we will be given the strength to do so. Please, keep praying for us!!! I know Heavenly Father hears every prayer. He will help us. He will help anyone who reaches out to Him in their time of need. (0: Keep up the faith everyone!

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