Thursday February 4, 2010

I didn't post anything last night due to our circumstances. We actually got the boys to bed just after 9:30 which is really good for us. The cool part was: Jason and I had some time to sit and talk!! YEA!! We haven't had much time for that. Around dinnertime, I curled up on him, and within five minutes, had to leave because Ashley was having another diarrhea attack. These days, our time is few and far between. So I was happy to get a chance to talk. How cool was that!! In the mean time, Ashley was in the bedroom, not feeling good and not letting me know how sick she was feeling. By the time I went in and joined her, she was upset and crying, wanting her mom to be with her. It took me a while to calm her down.

Ashley is so ready to be done with everything. Last night, she was asking me what she had done wrong, that she was still on this earth. She was worried maybe she was being punished. I can't believe she would ever think that! My goodness! She wants to die. She wants her suffering to end. The past few days have been nothing but suffering. She lays there, day after day, to weak to do anything. She can't eat. She can't sleep. She needs constant assistance, even with the smallest tasks. I know it is discouraging! I know it, and what can I say? This situation isn't in our hands. There is a plan and a reason she is still here with us. I have no idea what that plan is, and I am terrified to pray about it. Part of me is so thankful she is still here, and the other part knows she is miserable and that a better life awaits her. I know it would be a blessing for her to go. I know it. But my heart has a hard time accepting it. We are all feeling the strain. Poor Jason is maxed at work and at home. I don't know how he keeps going on day after day. He never sleeps well. He isn't eating well. I don't either. The stress is constant and in our faces at all times. I am so grateful the boys have been happy lately. They seem to be holding up alright. What a blessing that is!! I did find out they are all doing well in school. Preston's amazing teacher wrote me an email after reading my past blog and made sure I knew he was doing fine in school. I was so thankful she took the time to let me know he is alright there. I know I don't get to spend time helping him like I want to. That helped my guilty conscience.

I won't go on much now. I will say Ashley is not feeling a bit good today. She is very weak and swollen once again. She didn't sleep well at all last night, and is exhausted. We will have quiet time this afternoon and hopefully she can rest a bit.

Thanks to everyone who sent us a new batch of freezer meals. I am so grateful for your sacrifices!! Thanks for all the uplifting notes of encouragement. They really help. Thanks to my wonderful brother and his family for the amazing care package they sent this past weekend. The toys for the boys were so cool! (0: Thanks to my wonderful friend Sarah Badger and her family for the huge care package they sent last week and all the emails. You guys ROCK!!! Much love to you all!!!! More to come!!