Thursday February 11, 2010

Lately, I have been reading about Captain Moroni in the Book of Mormon. I don't think it is an accident that I fell on those chapters at this particular time. I have found great strength in reading about Moroni, as well as the other great Nephite leaders who lived during that era of time. They were in the midst of a terrible war with the Lamanites. Their every freedom was at stake. It was vital the Nephites stayed close to God in order to be protected from the vicious weapons of the Lamanites. Moroni and his chief captains worked tirelessly to protect and fortify the Nephites against their enemies. They spoke to the people with vigor, reminding them what was at stake. They prayed for them. They sought help from Alma, the high priest. They were righteous examples, in every way. They taught the people that with God, nothing was impossible. Even when all seemed lost, they won. I can't imagine what faith those great men had. I can't imagine how hard it would be to go on day after day and know that even when one battle was won, another would soon begin. And not just battles with enemies, but with their own people, whom they loved.

My point in telling this story is this: I feel like we are in the middle of a battlefield. The enemy is on all sides, closing in. Sometimes it feels like we are never going to succeed. The fight can't be won. Even if we make it through this battle, can we survive the next one? But you know what? There is always hope. No matter what, there is always a silver lining. I have believed that all my life. And I have been through some pretty rough storms. This trial we are going through now, though it seems never-ending, will not last forever. Time heals all wounds, or at least dulls the pain. I don't think the pain will ever go away. On the very bad days, which we have seen lots of lately, I can't help but think what life will be like when we don't have our angel anymore. It KILLS me inside. She is my life!! I am going to be so lost when she is gone. Lost, devastated!! We all will be for at time. But after the rain, the sun will come out again. I have to believe that. I have to believe that with God, nothing will be impossible. He will help us to survive.

Today was another bad day. Ashley looked awful all day long. She is always pale, but today, she looked ghostly white. Her face was horribly swollen. When she swells so much, her eyes become slits. You almost can't recognize her. Her stomach was distended. Her legs were huge. Her feet were huge. She was so tired. It was all she could do to get up to the bathroom. She didn't talk. She didn't smile. She didn't eat. She slept off and on all day long. I think she would have slept more, had the diarrhea been at bay. It is hard to rest when you have abdominal cramping. Dang diarrhea!!

Tonight, even though feeling very ill, she wanted to be out in the living room with the rest of the family. I was worried the energy level might be too much for her, but it was fine. I think she enjoyed the antics of the night. With three active brothers, there is always something amusing going on! (0: Before story and scripture time, she did return to the bedroom. I was so thankful Jason was here to help. The boys had lots to accomplish before they went to bed: homework, baths, valentines, etc. I could never have helped them all and taken care of Ashley. It would have stretched me so thin, and I was exhausted as it was. Constant care of a sick child takes lots of energy! The cool part is though, (don't worry Mom, I am eating), I have lost weight. I have been trying to lose several pounds for a long time now. I know the no sugar thing is helping, but the constant moving around is working in my favor too. I just hope it will stay off once life slows down a bit. (0:

Well, Ashley needs her mom now. I am so grateful for this time in my life, no matter how hard it is. One day at a time. Keep moving forward. That is what we will continue to do!! (0: