Thursday February 25, 2010

Sorry for the lack of blog last night. It was not a good night. Between Ashley feeling so poorly and myself feeling extremely tired, I didn't feel like writing. Night time is never restful anymore. It looks like we may need to add a dose of lasix in the nighttime, especially if Ashley's breathing continues to become increasingly difficult. That will mean more ups and downs in the night time. I have no problem with that. But I do worry how hard it would be on Ashley. She is so weak and out of breath, getting out of bed is a huge issue. She will sit up, have to catch her breath, then pain-stakingly climb off the bed to the bedside toilet. She has to catch her breath again. Then getting off the toilet and back into bed takes her breath away again. It is literally all she can do to get up to the bathroom. The more she goes, the harder it is going to become. Lots of praying to do over all this!!!! Praying, fasting, praying, fasting........

Today felt more comfortable to me. Ashley slept most of the day. She woke up, took her meds, tried to eat, then fell asleep for a while. Then she was awake, then back to sleep. It was like that all day long. I haven't seen her sleep so much in a long, long time. The sleeping part is a blessing. When she is sleeping, she is at peace. The pain, the aches, the misery, for just a short time, seem to be at bay. As soon as she wakes, she is miserable and emotional, but to see her resting comfortably, is truly an answer to prayers. The part that was hard today was watching her breathe. When she inhaled, her whole body would shake. I could see she was working hard. Her respirations have increased lately, but today, she was breathing harder than she ever has. As I sat by her, her heart, at times, would beat so furiously, I could feel the vibrations rip through her body. It was scary!! I was so terrified her heart would stop!!!

The other worrisome part was her color. She was extremely dusky and pale all day long. When Jason came home from work, that was the first comment he made, how awful she looked. Her face was more swollen, but it was the color he noticed. I know her oxygen levels are falling. That part is obvious. But we haven't seen her look so pale in a very long time. Not since she had the really bad arrythmia so long ago.

I don't know what else to write tonight. The trial continues. The pain grows. The suffering is never-ending. I have no idea what the next few days will bring to us. I hope and pray, I pray continually, that no matter what happens, we will be able to keep moving forward. Thanks again to everyone for your faith, for your prayers, for your words of encouragement. At times, I don't know how I am ever going to deal with what is to come. It seems so hard. It seems so impossible to survive. But then I am reminded I am not alone. Heavenly Father would NOT give us anything we can't handle. I know we will be blessed. I know soon my angel will be at peace. How she deserves that peace!!!!!! How I pray she will soon be free from her heavy burdens!! It is so difficult to watch her suffer so!!! Lots of faith and prayers at yet needed!!!!