Sunday February 28, 2010

How grateful I am for priesthood blessings. Last night, I was unconsolable. I felt like the world was crashing down around me, like I was in a deep, dark hole of sadness and I would never escape. I cried and cried. Poor Jason came in and sat by me, trying to figure out how to help me. I couldn't even talk. I didn't know how to voice the grief that was gripping my heart. He finally suggested I have a blessing. I can't tell you how peaceful I felt once he lifted his hands from my head. Then I cried and cried even more because I was so grateful for the warm reassurance from my Father in Heaven that I would be alright. I am so deeply grateful for Jason, and for his unconditional love. He is such a good man. I can't believe I am so blessed to have a man like him as my eternal companion. They say you should marry above yourself, and I did. Jason continually lifts me higher. With him by my side, as well as the love of so many others, my parents and siblings and friends, and with my Heavenly Father, I know I will hold together. I won't crumple into little pieces like I fear I will.

That being said, today was another heart wrenching day. Ashley continued to struggle. Her breathing has been labored. The morphine and other drugs do help her be sleepy, so she spends more time sleeping. But the breathing, I don't think it will improve. It is hard to watch her. She struggles so for every breath. She continues to weaken. She nearly fell three times today attempting to get to the bedside potty. I did slide it closer to the bed, in hopes she might reach it easier. It was still a major effort for her to get up. She was able to eat some turkey this afternoon, when we had Sunday dinner. I fixed turkey especially for her, at her request. I know how much she loves eating turkey. She couldn't eat much, but at least she was blessed to get a few small bites.

I also successfully gave her a "wheelchair" bath this afternoon. She can't get into the shower on her chair, but I sat her in her wheelchair, wrapped her in towels, and rigged a hair thing with a garbage sack so I could wash her hair. It worked beautifully and she relaxed so much after a refreshing wash. She is having more problems with incontinence. The accidents are becoming more frequent. She gets so desperately upset when she loses control of her bowels. I always try to reassure her. We don't tell anyone, especially not her brothers. It isn't her fault. I remind her that it is the disease. We clean things up and then she is alright. Bless her heart!!

This week is going to be the biggest trial of our faith yet. I feel that through every fiber of my being. I am not sure Ashley will live out the week. I know the time is coming when I have to let go of my angel. I am going to have to pray every second of every day to be strong enough to let her go and have the faith to keep moving forward. But that is what we will do. Keep moving forward, trusting in our Heavenly Father. I know with lots and lots and lots of faith, I can bear the grief that is already consuming my heart and soul. Thanks to everyone for continuing to support us. We need you. Please don't ever think your comments, no matter how small they are, are not helpful. Every word is a blessing!!! What a huge blessing to have so many wonderful neighbors and friends and church members behind us!! We love you all!! We look up to you all!! Thanks for being our angels!!! (0: May everyone have a beautiful week full of peace and safety!!!