Friday February 5, 2010

Tonight has been another long day. Ashley did not feel well at all. When she woke, she was puffy in her face and especially around her eyes. She was very pale. Her stomach and lower back looked huge. That is the place where she tends to retain fluid: her abdomen and back. On top of the swelling, she had horrid diarrhea all day long. She did try to eat, but everything went right through her system. It was not a good eating day in the slightest. The swelling in her lower back was bad enough, her back ached awfully bad. It was hurting last night, but today, the pain was so intense, I had to massage it several times. Her pain meds didn't touch it. Ibuprofen helped a little bit, but not much. She was so discouraged with it all!! I don't blame her. I have kept her on ibuprofen around the clock throughout the day, hoping for some relief. Unfortunately, not much relief came.

Tonight she has been having dizzy spells, where she describes her vision as double. I am sure her low oxygen levels contribute to the dizziness. I haven't put her on the oximeter for so long, I have no idea where her O2 levels are these days. I know she is low. Nancy told me not to put her on the oximeter, just so I don't freak out with how low she is. I think Nancy is very wise in this.

Other than that, not much has changed. She continues to decline. This afternoon, I was feeling so emotional. This journey has been such a roller coaster ride. When things look bad, you start preparing yourself for the worst. Then, the situation improves and for a moment, your heart feels a little relief. Then, the decline in health. Once again, the sadness consumes the soul. I felt so sad today. Ashley, bless her heart, this afternoon, was worrying and upset because she felt like it was unfair for her to go to heaven and be happy while we were stuck here in the earth, feeling sad and miserable. I am not kidding. That was why she was crying. She didn't want us to be in pain or to be sad. She wanted us to be at peace like she will be. I sat and cried with her for a long time. Jason came in and sat with us while we weeped. We assured her, we would be sad for a time, but not forever. There would come a time when we would be happy again. The hole will never go away. I have been told that before, but I know, in time, life can be happy. We will be alright. I told her Heavenly Father would bless us and take care of us so our pain would be bearable. That includes grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. Heavenly Father is a loving Father. He always takes care of his children. With every trial we endure, comes many blessings. We won't be left on the earth to suffer. It was a beautiful, faith boosting conversation. I was so thankful Jason and I were able to share that moment, together, with our angel.

And so we keep moving forward. What a blessing it is to know we are not alone!