Wednesday March 24, 1995

Today has been a wonderful day. This morning, I was blessed with an oopportunity to help my sister with her boys. Kris had surgery at 7:30 a.m. and they had to be at the hospital at 5:30 a.m. All I did was go out to her house and make sure Zack and Kasey were taken care of. It meant getting up a little early, but it felt so good to be able to help my sis in her time of need. She and Kris have done many things for our family, especially in the last few months. I am so very thankful for the chance to return the favor.

Monica and I were able to finish up our visiting teaching this morning as well. I truly love my sisters! I haven't seen any of them for a very long time now. I feel bad I didn't even send them a note while I was busy with Ashley. But now I have the opportunity to make it up to them. I pray Heavenly Father will guide me to be as helpful to them as my dear visiting teachers have been to me.

I came home and cleaned house like a crazy woman. This afternoon, I went to the chiropractor. It felt SO GOOD to get adjusted. I knew I was all messed up. I needed to get cracked for many months now, but I couldn't leave my angel. So I just dealt with the aches. It is going to take some time to fix all that is out of whack. It hurt to be fixed, but it is means to an end. Tonight I have pains all over! I don't think I have ever been as sore after an adjustment as I am now. The good part of it all, the doctor thinks he can fix my dizziness by adjusting my neck. What a blessing that would be!! I can't wait to get rid of that stupid problem!! We will see how that pans out of the next few weeks.

This evening was parent/teacher conferences. I am so proud to say all my boys are doing excellent in school. They have good grades, and they participate well in class. What a blessing to hear the teachers say my children are a joy to have in class!!! (0: Jason and I have been blessed with not just one, but three other valiant and righteous spirits. They are amazing kids. I couldn't be more proud of them!! I rewarded them by buying them each a couple of new books from the Book Fair. I am really trying to encourage them to read more and watch TV less. I know turing the TV off will help our family so greatly!!

I also found out that I can start volunteering at the school right after Spring Break. I am so thrilled to have that opportunity!!! I think it will help Austin as well if I am there to help keep him in line too. He he he!

Overall, I am really starting to feel I have a place again. I have felt so lost. I still do, but I know as I continue to serve and help others, I will find myself. I will find my place again. And I know Heavenly Father will bless me as I seek those opportunities out.

I have to say one more thing before I hit the sack, I have the sweetest, most attentive husband in this whole world!! He has been such a support to me. He calls me numerous times during the day to make sure I am doing alright. He is willing to run errands with me, to go anywhere I need him to go. He holds me when I cry and loves me when I need reassurance. He is constantly looking for ways to help me with the housework and with the boys. He puts me first in every situation, no matter how tired he is, no matter how stressed out he is. I love him with all my heart!! I thank Heavenly Father every day, Jason is my eternal companion. I can't praise him enough!!! I want the world to know what a fine, righteous, compassionate, loving, and SEXY (he he he had to add that) man that he is!!! He is my rock.

Ok, now that is said, I am going to go cuddle with him. (0: Hope everyone has a wonderful evening!

Wednesday March 24, 1995

Just a quick entry this morning. I have had several people emailing me worrying that they have offended me in some way. It was important for me to let everyone know I am NOT upset at anyone. Some things happened a long time ago, and they are in the past now. That is where they will stay. I was only trying to share my experiences with forgiveness, and how Heavenly Father helps us to forgive. There are so many wonderful people in our life, that are strong, valiant examples of gospel living. I can't express how thankful I am for all of these marvelous people that keep me on the straight and narrow. Much love to everyone!!! Please, please don't anyone worry! I have nothing but love in my heart!! (0: May everyone have a beautiful day!! (0:

Tuesday March 23, 2010

Today has been hard day for me. I have been feeling sad. I am sure the reason for my sadness is because this is the first day I have been alone all day long, without my kids or Jason being here. It was difficult for me to face the empty house. There are so many reminders of Ashley here. I decided after I returned from taking the boys to school, to let my feelings out for a while. I put on the wonderful DVD my brother made of Ashley's life, and watched it and cried. It felt so good to get the sadness out! Don't worry. I didn't self pity for long. (0: I got the crying out and then I got busy, making phone calls and cleaning and getting myself ready for the day. I am working hard on cosmotology school. I made more ground today. YEE HAW!! (0: I so want to be in school! I need to keep myself out of the house as much as possible. It is too difficult to be home. No doubt about it!! Austin's teacher is ready to put me to work in his classroom. I am estactic about that. I want to go volunteer with the other teachers too. I love kids and I love teaching. I know being at the school will be a great opportunity for me to serve and feel useful again.

I was very blessed to spend the afternoon with my visiting teacher. She is a wonderful massage therapist, and had offered to give me a complementary massage. I was delighted to get out of the house and go visit with her. I had no idea how tight and knotted my body is. I found out today. Sarah is going to help me work on my sore shoulder and neck. I have lots of aches and pain these days. I enjoyed my time with her at her home. She is awesome!! Both of my visiting teachers are wonderful. I love them both!!! (0: Then after I picked up the boys from school, we went out for a walk. It was so nice to be outside, looking at the trees and flowers growing again. Ashley and I loved going for walks. Before she was too sick, we would walk to the school every day. I felt close to her today as we walked. Close to her, but missing her so much!!!

Tonight I am going visiting teaching with a young girl in my ward. She attends the singles ward and needed a partner for this month. Tomorrow is more visiting teaching for Monica and I, doctor appointment, and parent teacher conferences. So it will thankfully be a busy day. I need to finish up thank yous as well. Most of them are written now, but I don't have all the addresses. I can't believe how many people reached out to us! So far, I have written over 80 thank-you's and I have more to write. That wasn't including all the people who sent cards. We have been richly blessed in so many ways. I can't thank everyone enough for their continued support. We still need it.

Well, better go make dinner for the troops!! Here's wishing everyone a wonderful evening!!! (0:

Sunday March 21, 2010

I would be so ungrateful if I didn't take the time to write down the feelings of my heart. It has been such a spectacular day full of peace. I haven't felt such comfort for a while now. The past week, while busy, was difficult in many ways. Fortunately I had my sweetheart by my side, helping me drag from day to day. And of course I had my rowdy boys, who always keep life interesting. The pangs of loss still found their way into my heart. How I miss my angel!!!!!!!

This morning, when I woke up, I didn't feel good. I felt light headed and dizzy and my ear was aching. I had aches and pains all over my body. My first instinct was to roll over and go back to sleep. I tried, but I knew, as I lay there, we needed to go to church. I knew Ashley wanted us to be there, that we would be blessed for going. I drug myself out of bed and woke up the troops. We were late. We didn't make sacrament meeting, but with Jason's help, we arrived just as the closing song was sung. My sweet Spencer was so happy to be in church. He told me church makes him happy. He is right. I feel so much better when I get my spiritual refill for the week. I felt that happy feeling overtake my heart the moment we walked into the church.

Our gospel doctrine lesson was fantastic! Sis. Quist always does a wonderful job with our Old Testament lessons, but today, the lesson was what I needed. We talked about Joseph, who was sold into Egypt. Specifically, about when his brothers came to Egypt to ask for food for their families. We talked about how hard it was for Joseph to forgive them, after the wrongs they committed. Joseph suffered greatly because of his brothers' jealousy. But he did forgive them. He loved them still. I was asked to read a scripture from Doctrine and Covenants, which was a scripture about forgiving others: D & C 64:8-11

"My disciples, in days of old, sought occasion against one another and forgave not one another in their hearts; and for this evil, they were afflicted and sorely chastened. Wherefore, I say until you, the ye ought to forgive one another; for he that forgiveth not his brother his trepasses standeth condemned before the Lord; for there remaineth in him the greater sin. I the Lord will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you, it is required to forgive all men..."

That isn't the whole reference, but the point is, we need to forgive those who offend or hurt our feelings. Sis. Quist asked for examples of times when it was hard to forgive someone of an offense. I immediately thought of a situation which of late has been plaging my mind heavily. It was something in relation to Ashley. I won't go into specifics. But I will say, I have cried many tears over this situation, feeling that my daughter was ignored because of her illness. That is all I can say. Last Sunday, I was again reminded of the feelings I have tried desperately hard to supress over the past few months. I was sad enough, I vented in my blog, but later erased it because I knew it wouldn't help. Long story short here, after our lesson today, I knew what I needed to do to get past these feelings I am harboring. I have to forgive. I am NOT one to hold a grudge. NOT AT ALL! I never have been and I never will be. I know those involved didn't realize how hurt I was. They never knew how hurt Ashley was. And they never will. I know Heavenly Father will help me to let go and forgive. And then I will have peace.

I also was impressed today to share a comment about families. Because of time, I didn't get to share in class, but I wanted to write it down here. In our discussion of forgiveness, we talked about forgiveness in families, and why it is so important to keep peace in our homes, amongst our love ones. My thought: when we leave this life, all we take with us is the knowledge we gain on this earth, and the love of those we associated with here on the earth. The love of our family. There is such power in family. When we had Ashley's funeral, and were surrounded by family, Jason's and mine, (we had aunts, great aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins, all of our siblings....it was amazing!) there was such strength from being surrounded by so many people we love so dearly. Our family got us through. They still are. I am so deeply thankful both Jason and I have such good family relationships. There are no grudges. There is no contention. Just peace, harmony and love. And with that, comes a strength that can never be defeated. I wanted to tell everyone to love their families, resolve issues, let grudges go, and let the strength of the family carry them through the hard times. It will!!! It will get you through anything!!!!!! I know this is true. I have experienced it firsthand. I love my family, my extended family, my in-laws....they are all the most amazing people in this world. I would not be who I am without them. I would not survive this trial without them.

I also had another beautiful experience in Relief Society. Our lesson was on the fall of Adam, when Adam and Eve had to leave the Garden of Eden. The discussion had turned to life outside the garden, when Adam and Eve knew what pain was, what joy was, were able to have children and exercise their agency. We talked about trials, and how they help us become stronger. We talked about how Heavenly Father has a specific plan for each of us. He knows what experiences we need to help us grow and develop on this earth. The plan was in place for Adam and Eve. The plan is in place for us too. I distinctly knew today, it was not an accident that Ashley was chosen to be our daughter. Heavenly Father knew we needed her. Our entire family needed her. She has brought so much unity into our lives. I can't begin to explain how many lives have changed because of Ashley's example. I know my heart will never again be the same. It is like the eternal perspective has been re-opened. I can see into the eternities, and I have hope of the beautiful world that awaits the righteous. I know one day I will hold my princess in my arms and tell her over and over and over just how much I love her and how grateful I am she was a part of my life. She changed my heart. She changed so many hearts. The world was a better place because she lived in it!!

Miracles still do happen. Our family has been privileged to have our own miracle. We have been blessed by an angel. I know as we continue onward on this journey through life, she will be watching over us. I felt her today. I knew she was proud!! I will keep praying that in the many days ahead, I will continue to feel her near. I pray she will always know how deeply her mother loved her!!!! I will think of her every day.

Thursday March 18, 2010

The days are very difficult. I still feel such emptiness. It consumes me. I have to fight hard every day to keep a smile on my face. The tears come so freely!! I feel so lost too. There are times when I don't know what to do with myself. When I do sit and think, I get sad. It is so easy to be swallowed up in memories. My answer to the pain I feel: soft music, NO television, prayer, and lots of hard work. The harder I work, the less I feel pain. I have considered getting a job, but at this point, I am not sure what I would apply for. It has been years since I worked an actual job. It scares me a bit, especially since my head is still off. I feel dizzy every day. It is definitely a problem I have to deal with. It is starting to interfere more my daily life. I would be exercising two times a day if I didn't get so dang dizzy!!! I hate it!! I get nervous every time I drive without Jason. When the car is in motion, I am alright, but the minute I stop at a light or stop sign, I feel like I am on a rocking boat. It is pretty scary. I don't want the world to spin so badly I can't see to drive. I had that happen one day on Eagle Road. It was absolutely frightening! Fortunately, I was close to a parking lot and was able to get out of the heavy traffic. Something is definitely causing my dizziness. I know I was blessed the week we were in Burley. I felt better that week than I have in months. I was relaxed. I thought for sure my anxiety would show its awful head. But Heavenly Father blessed me. The only day I felt dizzy was the day of the funeral, and it eventually subsided enough I was alright. I can always put on a fake happy face and press onward. I have done that so many times over the course of my life. I don't like to let people know I feel sick. But I still do, and I hope and pray soon I can fix this awful problem.

I want to start into school in the fall. I know it is the right thing to do. It is time for me to pursue the career of my choice. My patriarchal blessing tells me that I will be blessed to get the education I need, and that it is important for me to go to college, and train for a career. The problem now, deciding what to do. I LOVE children and teaching. I am three years into my elementary education degree. I am not sure now if teaching is what I should do. I also have a passion for hair, makeup, and nails. I have ALWAYS wanted to attend beauty school. I know I would enjoy that my whole life long and never tire of making people beautiful. I feel at this time that beauty school is where I want to go. I haven't prayed or fasted about it yet. But I have checked into school. I can start in the fall with no problem, and they think I would be an excellent candidate for financial aid. I am so stoked about the possibility of cosmotology school in August!!!

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So I actually started this entry a couple of days ago. As you can tell, it was a harder day for me. I was struggling in many ways. That is going to be the norm from now on. Some days are going to be better than others. But there is always something positive to see in every day. I have not once let my sorrow ruin my days. I let the tears come, and then I get up and keep moving forward. I am NOT one to let life pass me by while I sit around feeling sorry for myself. I refuse to let things take me down. There are so many good things about our life now. I have tried hard to focus on what we do have. I am so grateful for my boys. They are busy and crazy and they drive us nuts at times, but I would be LOST without them. They keep me hopping at all times. I am excited for the things we get to do together. I am thrilled for summer to come, for all the new adventures waiting for the Winn family. Jason and I have talked extensively of the activities we want to do with our busy little boys. It will be fun. I know it won't take the pain away, but there is so much joy in family. I take great comfort in my wonderful husband and sons.

This past week has been busy. Jason and I spent some wonderful time together. We even took one afternoon and went to the movies. That was delightful!! I was able to have a lovely lunch with my visiting teachers. I love the sisters who watch over me. They are both kindred spirits and they have been such a great support system. I was feeling sad when they came to get me for lunch yesterday. By the time we ate, talked, and laughed, I felt so much better. What a blessing to have them in my life!!

Next week I already have several things planned to help fill my time. I want to make every day count. If I am going to make it back to my daughter, I am going to need to work hard, and be the best I can be. She set the standard, and we are all going to reach to it!! I am so thankful for all of my trials. I am thankful for the blessings that have been poured out on our family. I am thankful for all the people who did, and still are, walking by our sides, helping us cope with this great loss. We love and thank you all for everything!!

More to come...............(0:

Wednesday March 17, 2010

I haven't had a chance to write for a few days. I can't believe how fast time flies. It is already Wednesday, and it has been two weeks since our angel went back to heaven. I am floored it has already been two weeks!! Every day brings new challenges. But I know Heavenly Father is with us every day, every hour of every day. There have been so many times when the waves of sadness overtake me, and I wonder if I will ever be able to stand the pain. I miss Ashley so much! She added so much to our home, even in her last days on earth. She blessed our lives. I am so grateful for the boys. They are busy and happy and I love spending time with them. Austin seems to be surviving. I was blessed to get Austin to his counselor last week. Austin will see Rick once a week for the next couple of months. Rick has some wonderful suggestions of things we can do to help Austin cope with this horrible loss. Austin started his own blog, in which he can write his memories of Ashley. He is also going to make a college of pictures to keep with him. It did help for Austin to get back into school. Yesterday wasn't a good day at school however. He called Jason and I at 11:45 and was very upset. We went and picked him up and took him home. He needed lots of hugs and loving reassurance that his pain would subside in time. I told him we would never stop missing Ashley, but if we really tried hard enough, Heavenly Father would bless us to feel her spirit near. Right now, I thrive on those moments each day when I stop the world around me and draw myself close to the Holy Ghost. I let the spirit fill my heart until I know, my angel is near. It feels so good to shut the world out and let the spirit in. I can't wait to get back to the temple. We need to renew our recommends, and then we will go. I know, in that most Holy place, I will feel my Ashley near. I can't wait!!!! I need to know she is still close. I can't bear the thought of her being far away. I am so afraid of not feeling her around me. It is such a comfort when I do.

It was so nice to have my brother and his wonderful family here for the weekend. Their energetic children lit up our home with such happiness. Our boys were delighted to spend time with their cousins. My youngest niece, who will be a year old in just a couple of weeks, was such a joy to have around. I held her lots, and I found great comfort in her beautiful soul. Alexis is a comfort to our whole family. She has a spirit about her that is undeniable. Ashley always loved Alexis. She held her and played with her every chance she got. I know she saw the valiant spirit in Alexis. I am so glad we were once again able to have Alexis, as well as her wonderful brother and sister, in our home.

Jason and I have lots of decisions to make in the coming months. But I know we will be guided by the Holy Ghost. I am working so hard every day to keep our home a place where the spirit can dwell. One of the biggest things we have done is to turn off the TV. We still let the kids watch a little bit, but most of the time, it is off. I never realized how distracting the TV can be. When it is off, and the house if peaceful, the spirit fills our home. We spend more quality time together. The boys fight less. I am grateful for the advice of a wise man who suggested we do that one small thing.

So we will keep moving forward. There is no option but to continue on, living life and finding as much joy as we can in the world around us. I know Ashley would want that. She would want us to be happy and close. I will forever miss my angel!!! I long for her. I long to talk to her. I long to see her radiant smile and feel of her strength and courage. I know the day will come we will be with her again!!! That is what keeps me going every day.

Sunday March 14, 2010

Today has been a difficult day. Every day since we lost our angel presents challenges in one way or another. Today I missed my little girl. I missed her smile. I missed laying by her, stroking her arms and face. I missed hearing her tell me over and over again just how much she loved me. I feel so empty without her. That feeling overwhelmed me numerous times today. I wanted to sit in a little ball and cry until my eyes didn't have any tears left. Of course, with company here, there was no way I could do that. Fake it until you make it. That was what I did. It didn't help the pain. I hurt so much!! I am so happy Ashley is at peace. But man, I miss her!!!!!!! It just won't ever be the same without her in our home.

I thought about Ashley's life today. I thought about all the people who stood by Ashley and loved her and supported her, even after her passing. She was blessed to have an army of supporters. Jason and I never dreamed so many people would reach out to our family to lift our burdens!! Thanks to everyone for the meals, notes, flowers, gifts, time spent driving to Burley for the funeral!!! You have all touched our family! You have honored our angel. Ashley was blessed to have the world's greatest aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, friends, etc. that were a constant support to her, especially in the last part of her life. She had the most amazing nurses ever. She had the best doctors ever. She had the best oxygen suppliers and PICC line care team. There were so many wonderful angels who made her journey on this earth more bearable. Thank you to all who took such diligent care of Ashley. Thank you to everyone who sacrificed for us and for our angel. There will never be words to thank everyone for the love we have felt!!

Sorry for my mood tonight. I promise I am NOT angry. I am just sad. I have had so many wonderful spiritual experiences since her passing. The spirit has been very strong in our home, and in my heart. I want to keep it that way. When I am close to the spirit, I feel closer to her. I have tried hard every day to keep the spirit with me. It is so hard!! I feel so many emotions! One minute I am smiling and the next I want to cry for hours. At times, I don't want to speak to anyone. There are times when I feel hopelessly lost. Jason has been a wonderful support. Without him, I would be a total mess!!! The one thing I am grateful for, is my knowledge that families are forever!!! We will see Ashely again. That reunion will be so joyous!! I can't wait for the day when I can hold my angel again!!! Until then, I pray for comfort that only God can give. I know it will come. The pain will ease and I will once again feel a little like myself again.