Thursday March 18, 2010

The days are very difficult. I still feel such emptiness. It consumes me. I have to fight hard every day to keep a smile on my face. The tears come so freely!! I feel so lost too. There are times when I don't know what to do with myself. When I do sit and think, I get sad. It is so easy to be swallowed up in memories. My answer to the pain I feel: soft music, NO television, prayer, and lots of hard work. The harder I work, the less I feel pain. I have considered getting a job, but at this point, I am not sure what I would apply for. It has been years since I worked an actual job. It scares me a bit, especially since my head is still off. I feel dizzy every day. It is definitely a problem I have to deal with. It is starting to interfere more my daily life. I would be exercising two times a day if I didn't get so dang dizzy!!! I hate it!! I get nervous every time I drive without Jason. When the car is in motion, I am alright, but the minute I stop at a light or stop sign, I feel like I am on a rocking boat. It is pretty scary. I don't want the world to spin so badly I can't see to drive. I had that happen one day on Eagle Road. It was absolutely frightening! Fortunately, I was close to a parking lot and was able to get out of the heavy traffic. Something is definitely causing my dizziness. I know I was blessed the week we were in Burley. I felt better that week than I have in months. I was relaxed. I thought for sure my anxiety would show its awful head. But Heavenly Father blessed me. The only day I felt dizzy was the day of the funeral, and it eventually subsided enough I was alright. I can always put on a fake happy face and press onward. I have done that so many times over the course of my life. I don't like to let people know I feel sick. But I still do, and I hope and pray soon I can fix this awful problem.

I want to start into school in the fall. I know it is the right thing to do. It is time for me to pursue the career of my choice. My patriarchal blessing tells me that I will be blessed to get the education I need, and that it is important for me to go to college, and train for a career. The problem now, deciding what to do. I LOVE children and teaching. I am three years into my elementary education degree. I am not sure now if teaching is what I should do. I also have a passion for hair, makeup, and nails. I have ALWAYS wanted to attend beauty school. I know I would enjoy that my whole life long and never tire of making people beautiful. I feel at this time that beauty school is where I want to go. I haven't prayed or fasted about it yet. But I have checked into school. I can start in the fall with no problem, and they think I would be an excellent candidate for financial aid. I am so stoked about the possibility of cosmotology school in August!!!

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So I actually started this entry a couple of days ago. As you can tell, it was a harder day for me. I was struggling in many ways. That is going to be the norm from now on. Some days are going to be better than others. But there is always something positive to see in every day. I have not once let my sorrow ruin my days. I let the tears come, and then I get up and keep moving forward. I am NOT one to let life pass me by while I sit around feeling sorry for myself. I refuse to let things take me down. There are so many good things about our life now. I have tried hard to focus on what we do have. I am so grateful for my boys. They are busy and crazy and they drive us nuts at times, but I would be LOST without them. They keep me hopping at all times. I am excited for the things we get to do together. I am thrilled for summer to come, for all the new adventures waiting for the Winn family. Jason and I have talked extensively of the activities we want to do with our busy little boys. It will be fun. I know it won't take the pain away, but there is so much joy in family. I take great comfort in my wonderful husband and sons.

This past week has been busy. Jason and I spent some wonderful time together. We even took one afternoon and went to the movies. That was delightful!! I was able to have a lovely lunch with my visiting teachers. I love the sisters who watch over me. They are both kindred spirits and they have been such a great support system. I was feeling sad when they came to get me for lunch yesterday. By the time we ate, talked, and laughed, I felt so much better. What a blessing to have them in my life!!

Next week I already have several things planned to help fill my time. I want to make every day count. If I am going to make it back to my daughter, I am going to need to work hard, and be the best I can be. She set the standard, and we are all going to reach to it!! I am so thankful for all of my trials. I am thankful for the blessings that have been poured out on our family. I am thankful for all the people who did, and still are, walking by our sides, helping us cope with this great loss. We love and thank you all for everything!!

More to come...............(0: