Wednesday March 10, 2010

I have so much to write about, I don't know where to begin. Over the past few days, I have had some of the most amazing experiences. I know Heavenly Father blessed me and my wonderful family in numerous ways. I know Ashley has been close. I have felt her multiple times. I so wish she was still here. There is a huge hole, and it hurts. I am trying to stay busy. Jason has been home. He will be home for the next week or so. He is wonderful. He distracts me and makes me laugh. I am so thankful I don't have to face this house alone. I couldn't do it. There are too many memories here. There are so many reminders of our angel. I think I am doing alright, and then I see something she read, or played with, or listened to, and the waterworks start up again in full force. I am hoping in time I won't feel so much pain. I think it is going to take a long time for the pain to dull.

As for the boys, they have been alright. Preston and Spencer have done amazingly well. They have had their sad moments, but for the most part, they are happy. Austin has had a rough time. He is consumed with grief. For three nights in a row, he was so sad at bedtime, he came and slept with Jason and I. One night, he was so upset, Jason gave him a blessing to help him calm down. We had no idea he would handle Ashley's passing like he has. We thought it would be Spencer who was the most affected. Spencer spent more time with Ashley than any of the other brothers. But we were wrong. Our poor Austin misses his sister greatly. On the way back from Burley on Monday, we stopped to get fuel. The other boys went into the store with Jason, and I sat in the car with Austin. He talked to me about how when he came into the bedroom where Ashley was, she always took the time to tell him that she loved him. He said, "Now I won't ever get to hear her tell me she loves me. I will miss her voice so much!" I told him he may not get to hear her voice, but he can always feel her near. I told him to pray harder than he has ever prayed before, to have the peace Ashley is still watching over him. He has taken great comfort in holding her things close. When we arrived home, he came into our bedroom and laid where she had once lain. He snuggled her pillow. He watched a movie she loved. And I think for a short time, he felt a little peace that only a loving Father in Heaven can give.

We will continue to keep moving forward. What a blessing and a privilege to have this experience. I know my heart is changed forever!! Our family is closer than we ever dreamed possible. Our spiritual eyes have been opened. The eternal perspective is in focus once again. What a miracle!! What an opportunity! I would like to thank everyone for the wonderful support and love given to our family. I never dreamed so many people would rally around us, helping us carry this burden of grief. Jason and I were amazed at how many people attended Ashley's funeral. And I know, if it had been possible, many more would have come. What a tribute to our beautiful Ashley!!! We were not alone. Our angels held us up. I know we will continue to be supported as we move through the next few weeks.