Wednesday March 17, 2010

I haven't had a chance to write for a few days. I can't believe how fast time flies. It is already Wednesday, and it has been two weeks since our angel went back to heaven. I am floored it has already been two weeks!! Every day brings new challenges. But I know Heavenly Father is with us every day, every hour of every day. There have been so many times when the waves of sadness overtake me, and I wonder if I will ever be able to stand the pain. I miss Ashley so much! She added so much to our home, even in her last days on earth. She blessed our lives. I am so grateful for the boys. They are busy and happy and I love spending time with them. Austin seems to be surviving. I was blessed to get Austin to his counselor last week. Austin will see Rick once a week for the next couple of months. Rick has some wonderful suggestions of things we can do to help Austin cope with this horrible loss. Austin started his own blog, in which he can write his memories of Ashley. He is also going to make a college of pictures to keep with him. It did help for Austin to get back into school. Yesterday wasn't a good day at school however. He called Jason and I at 11:45 and was very upset. We went and picked him up and took him home. He needed lots of hugs and loving reassurance that his pain would subside in time. I told him we would never stop missing Ashley, but if we really tried hard enough, Heavenly Father would bless us to feel her spirit near. Right now, I thrive on those moments each day when I stop the world around me and draw myself close to the Holy Ghost. I let the spirit fill my heart until I know, my angel is near. It feels so good to shut the world out and let the spirit in. I can't wait to get back to the temple. We need to renew our recommends, and then we will go. I know, in that most Holy place, I will feel my Ashley near. I can't wait!!!! I need to know she is still close. I can't bear the thought of her being far away. I am so afraid of not feeling her around me. It is such a comfort when I do.

It was so nice to have my brother and his wonderful family here for the weekend. Their energetic children lit up our home with such happiness. Our boys were delighted to spend time with their cousins. My youngest niece, who will be a year old in just a couple of weeks, was such a joy to have around. I held her lots, and I found great comfort in her beautiful soul. Alexis is a comfort to our whole family. She has a spirit about her that is undeniable. Ashley always loved Alexis. She held her and played with her every chance she got. I know she saw the valiant spirit in Alexis. I am so glad we were once again able to have Alexis, as well as her wonderful brother and sister, in our home.

Jason and I have lots of decisions to make in the coming months. But I know we will be guided by the Holy Ghost. I am working so hard every day to keep our home a place where the spirit can dwell. One of the biggest things we have done is to turn off the TV. We still let the kids watch a little bit, but most of the time, it is off. I never realized how distracting the TV can be. When it is off, and the house if peaceful, the spirit fills our home. We spend more quality time together. The boys fight less. I am grateful for the advice of a wise man who suggested we do that one small thing.

So we will keep moving forward. There is no option but to continue on, living life and finding as much joy as we can in the world around us. I know Ashley would want that. She would want us to be happy and close. I will forever miss my angel!!! I long for her. I long to talk to her. I long to see her radiant smile and feel of her strength and courage. I know the day will come we will be with her again!!! That is what keeps me going every day.