Sunday March 21, 2010

I would be so ungrateful if I didn't take the time to write down the feelings of my heart. It has been such a spectacular day full of peace. I haven't felt such comfort for a while now. The past week, while busy, was difficult in many ways. Fortunately I had my sweetheart by my side, helping me drag from day to day. And of course I had my rowdy boys, who always keep life interesting. The pangs of loss still found their way into my heart. How I miss my angel!!!!!!!

This morning, when I woke up, I didn't feel good. I felt light headed and dizzy and my ear was aching. I had aches and pains all over my body. My first instinct was to roll over and go back to sleep. I tried, but I knew, as I lay there, we needed to go to church. I knew Ashley wanted us to be there, that we would be blessed for going. I drug myself out of bed and woke up the troops. We were late. We didn't make sacrament meeting, but with Jason's help, we arrived just as the closing song was sung. My sweet Spencer was so happy to be in church. He told me church makes him happy. He is right. I feel so much better when I get my spiritual refill for the week. I felt that happy feeling overtake my heart the moment we walked into the church.

Our gospel doctrine lesson was fantastic! Sis. Quist always does a wonderful job with our Old Testament lessons, but today, the lesson was what I needed. We talked about Joseph, who was sold into Egypt. Specifically, about when his brothers came to Egypt to ask for food for their families. We talked about how hard it was for Joseph to forgive them, after the wrongs they committed. Joseph suffered greatly because of his brothers' jealousy. But he did forgive them. He loved them still. I was asked to read a scripture from Doctrine and Covenants, which was a scripture about forgiving others: D & C 64:8-11

"My disciples, in days of old, sought occasion against one another and forgave not one another in their hearts; and for this evil, they were afflicted and sorely chastened. Wherefore, I say until you, the ye ought to forgive one another; for he that forgiveth not his brother his trepasses standeth condemned before the Lord; for there remaineth in him the greater sin. I the Lord will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you, it is required to forgive all men..."

That isn't the whole reference, but the point is, we need to forgive those who offend or hurt our feelings. Sis. Quist asked for examples of times when it was hard to forgive someone of an offense. I immediately thought of a situation which of late has been plaging my mind heavily. It was something in relation to Ashley. I won't go into specifics. But I will say, I have cried many tears over this situation, feeling that my daughter was ignored because of her illness. That is all I can say. Last Sunday, I was again reminded of the feelings I have tried desperately hard to supress over the past few months. I was sad enough, I vented in my blog, but later erased it because I knew it wouldn't help. Long story short here, after our lesson today, I knew what I needed to do to get past these feelings I am harboring. I have to forgive. I am NOT one to hold a grudge. NOT AT ALL! I never have been and I never will be. I know those involved didn't realize how hurt I was. They never knew how hurt Ashley was. And they never will. I know Heavenly Father will help me to let go and forgive. And then I will have peace.

I also was impressed today to share a comment about families. Because of time, I didn't get to share in class, but I wanted to write it down here. In our discussion of forgiveness, we talked about forgiveness in families, and why it is so important to keep peace in our homes, amongst our love ones. My thought: when we leave this life, all we take with us is the knowledge we gain on this earth, and the love of those we associated with here on the earth. The love of our family. There is such power in family. When we had Ashley's funeral, and were surrounded by family, Jason's and mine, (we had aunts, great aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins, all of our siblings....it was amazing!) there was such strength from being surrounded by so many people we love so dearly. Our family got us through. They still are. I am so deeply thankful both Jason and I have such good family relationships. There are no grudges. There is no contention. Just peace, harmony and love. And with that, comes a strength that can never be defeated. I wanted to tell everyone to love their families, resolve issues, let grudges go, and let the strength of the family carry them through the hard times. It will!!! It will get you through anything!!!!!! I know this is true. I have experienced it firsthand. I love my family, my extended family, my in-laws....they are all the most amazing people in this world. I would not be who I am without them. I would not survive this trial without them.

I also had another beautiful experience in Relief Society. Our lesson was on the fall of Adam, when Adam and Eve had to leave the Garden of Eden. The discussion had turned to life outside the garden, when Adam and Eve knew what pain was, what joy was, were able to have children and exercise their agency. We talked about trials, and how they help us become stronger. We talked about how Heavenly Father has a specific plan for each of us. He knows what experiences we need to help us grow and develop on this earth. The plan was in place for Adam and Eve. The plan is in place for us too. I distinctly knew today, it was not an accident that Ashley was chosen to be our daughter. Heavenly Father knew we needed her. Our entire family needed her. She has brought so much unity into our lives. I can't begin to explain how many lives have changed because of Ashley's example. I know my heart will never again be the same. It is like the eternal perspective has been re-opened. I can see into the eternities, and I have hope of the beautiful world that awaits the righteous. I know one day I will hold my princess in my arms and tell her over and over and over just how much I love her and how grateful I am she was a part of my life. She changed my heart. She changed so many hearts. The world was a better place because she lived in it!!

Miracles still do happen. Our family has been privileged to have our own miracle. We have been blessed by an angel. I know as we continue onward on this journey through life, she will be watching over us. I felt her today. I knew she was proud!! I will keep praying that in the many days ahead, I will continue to feel her near. I pray she will always know how deeply her mother loved her!!!! I will think of her every day.