Sunday March 14, 2010

Today has been a difficult day. Every day since we lost our angel presents challenges in one way or another. Today I missed my little girl. I missed her smile. I missed laying by her, stroking her arms and face. I missed hearing her tell me over and over again just how much she loved me. I feel so empty without her. That feeling overwhelmed me numerous times today. I wanted to sit in a little ball and cry until my eyes didn't have any tears left. Of course, with company here, there was no way I could do that. Fake it until you make it. That was what I did. It didn't help the pain. I hurt so much!! I am so happy Ashley is at peace. But man, I miss her!!!!!!! It just won't ever be the same without her in our home.

I thought about Ashley's life today. I thought about all the people who stood by Ashley and loved her and supported her, even after her passing. She was blessed to have an army of supporters. Jason and I never dreamed so many people would reach out to our family to lift our burdens!! Thanks to everyone for the meals, notes, flowers, gifts, time spent driving to Burley for the funeral!!! You have all touched our family! You have honored our angel. Ashley was blessed to have the world's greatest aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, friends, etc. that were a constant support to her, especially in the last part of her life. She had the most amazing nurses ever. She had the best doctors ever. She had the best oxygen suppliers and PICC line care team. There were so many wonderful angels who made her journey on this earth more bearable. Thank you to all who took such diligent care of Ashley. Thank you to everyone who sacrificed for us and for our angel. There will never be words to thank everyone for the love we have felt!!

Sorry for my mood tonight. I promise I am NOT angry. I am just sad. I have had so many wonderful spiritual experiences since her passing. The spirit has been very strong in our home, and in my heart. I want to keep it that way. When I am close to the spirit, I feel closer to her. I have tried hard every day to keep the spirit with me. It is so hard!! I feel so many emotions! One minute I am smiling and the next I want to cry for hours. At times, I don't want to speak to anyone. There are times when I feel hopelessly lost. Jason has been a wonderful support. Without him, I would be a total mess!!! The one thing I am grateful for, is my knowledge that families are forever!!! We will see Ashely again. That reunion will be so joyous!! I can't wait for the day when I can hold my angel again!!! Until then, I pray for comfort that only God can give. I know it will come. The pain will ease and I will once again feel a little like myself again.