When I arrived back home, the nurse was here. Today, since Nancy was off, Julie came. We had a nice visit with her. After assessing Ashley, Julie felt like she was doing as good as she could be. Julie felt like part of the fatigue we are fighting with right now is because of the morphine. Even though Ashley only takes a small dose at bedtime, it could still make her super tired as her body adjusts. I was glad to hear the nurse say she felt like Ashley was alright. On the bad days, I get so scared. The first thing that comes into my mind is the thought that our time with her is getting short. This is a selfish comment, but I am so not ready to let her go. I would never wish for her to suffer, or remain here on this earth suffering tremendously from day to day. But I can't imagine what life will be like when she isn't here anymore. It makes me ache from head to toe.
Tonight she is super tired again. She tried to eat some dinner. I fixed her chicken, hoping she might feel like eating a little. She loves chicken, but was only able to eat a few bites. She immediately left the table and came into our bedroom and fell asleep. She is still sleeping now.
They say that moms know things in their inner heart. They have a sense of what is to come. In my deepest heart, I feel like our time is so short! I feel like every day needs to count. I hope every day she might be able to be here at Christmas, but whether or not she will be is not in our hands. Tonight my heart feels so heavy!! I know I have to keep trusting in Heavenly Father.
I can't even imagine, Connie. All I know is we love you guys. SOOOOOO much. You can do this, and you will be ok. Your strength is amazing and truly inspiring. One of my favorite quotes is: "The will of God will never take you... Where the grace of God will not protect you." I believe that is very true. He will guide you throught this. Give her our love.
ReplyDeleteKirk & Jenn
Oh Connie! It breaks my heart to read this post, and I can't even imagine all the things you must be thinking and feeling right now. I'm scared of time too and also don't feel ready to lose her. Please know that I pray for you guys every night with all the strength I posess. I know that Heavenly Father will never leave you alone, especially during the darkest times. I hope that, if nothing else, you can always feel His love.
ReplyDeleteI know posting this information cannot be easy for you, but thank you for keeping us all up to date you Ashley's condition and how the rest of the family is doing as well.
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