Friday December 4, 2009

The only word for today is black. The whole day was black from the start. Ashley was sick all night long. Up and down and up and down, running to the bathroom, dry-heaving. It was a nightmare!!! When she finally was able to rest, I was so grateful. I knew with the awful night she had, this morning would be rough, and I was right. When she got up, she was a mess. She was blue. Her stomach was hurting badly. She had severe nausea. Her face and stomach were super puffy. She was sobbing her pain was so severe. I didn't know what to do to help her. I was beside myself too! Our beloved hospice nurse came early today and her timing was a blessing. She came and we figured out which medications to use that would keep Ashley the most comfortable. We set up a new plan, based in her severe nausea, to combat that as best we could. She helped me to get Ashley's nausea medication dose raised, which took several phone calls to Saltzer Medical group and the pharmacy. By the time Nancy left, I was feeling much calmer. Ashley was still miserable, but my thinking was better, and I was better able to handle the stress of the moment.

The nausea medication thankfully helped Ashley. She stopped feeling like she was going to throw-up every second, but it also made her desperately tired. She slept all morning long. There was a short time this afternoon when she woke up and came out into the living room with me. But then it was back to bed and sleeping again. Her stomach was enough settled by late afternoon, she wanted to try some food. The problem was, nothing sounded good to her, not even her KFC mashed potatoes and gravy. She finally ate a cheesy burrito, which I don't think was the best choice. Grease kills her every time. We have to avoid grease at all costs. She ate it and had lots of diarrhea afterwards, but she didn't throw up. That was all she was able to eat the entire day.

Tonight she stayed in bed all night long. She and I hung out for a little while, watched some TV and read together. About 8:30, Ashley asked me if she could get a blizzard. She was feeling like some ice cream. Jason and I took her to Dairy Queen and left the boys with a visiting friend, TJ. (TJ is from Idaho Falls and will be with us until Monday. We have known him for several years now. ) We ordered the blizzard for her at Dairy Queen, and then got stuck in the drive thru. She started cramping and hurting really bad. I didn't even have shoes on, so Jason carried her inside so she could use the bathroom. She was in tears, the pain was so intense. It was awful! Then, after all that upset, she was exhausted, and wasn't able to eat the blizzard. She came home and fell asleep again.

The pain was unbearable for me today. I watch her suffering so greatly, and there isn't one thing I can do to help her. My heart is breaking!!! In a heartbeat, I would gladly take all her pain away. I would bear it all, carry it for her. If only I could!!!! But I can't. This is in the Lord's hands. But I have great great faith, Heavenly Father loves my little angel. I know it. I know he is so proud of her courage and patience. Even when she doesn't feel like she is patient in her afflictions, she is. I tell her that all the time. Tonight I encouraged her to pray for the Holy Ghost to be her constant companion. These burdens are not going to get lighter. She is going to get sicker still, and the pain and suffering are going to get worse. The only way she is going to make it through all she is asked to bear, is to have the Holy Ghost with her constantly, giving her comfort, making the burdens seem lighter. How grateful I am for the gospel of Jesus Christ, for the hope it gives my grieving heart!!