Wednesday December 16, 2009

I won't write much tonight. It has been another long exhausting day. Ashley definitely has a blood clot in her arm. The arm swelled even more today, and it pained her all day long. She woke me up at 6:30 this morning in great pain, but she was too afraid to take any pain meds for fear she would throw up again. I don't blame her. Throwing up is just plain nasty!!

I spent a long time on the phone with the cardiologist today. We talked about so many things. I have been so worried and unsure lately. Dr. Etheridge always calms me right down. We talked about the clot in Ashley's arm. She figures the clot could have come from a couple of places. Ashley has a valve in her heart that doesn't work well. When we had problems with her blood being hemalized a while back, it was because of that valve, crushing the red blood cells. The valve could have thrown a clot. With how poorly the heart is pumping, the blood is pooling in her heart. That also could have been the source of the clot. It doesn't matter now what the cause was. The point is, she has a clot and it is painful. Now we have to micro-manage the pain so she can stand it. Dr. Etheridge and the pharmacist consulted back and forth today. They agreed to let us try a transdermal cream as a way to give Ashley her morphine. She would rub the cream on her wrist or forearm, and the morphine would go into her skin and bypass the stomach. It sounded like a wonderful idea to me. We tried it tonight, and so far, she isn't sick at all, and her pain is kind of under control.

The other thing I spoke about with Dr. Etheridge was the pacemaker. Ashley wanted me to ask her what would happen if we turned her pacer off. Dr. Etheridge didn't feel like it would really do anything if we did. She said if Ashley wanted to speed up the process, the place to go would be to wean her from her beta blockers. The beta blockers aren't really helping Ashley's heart to work better. They are there to help control the arrythmias. If we stop those meds, there will be a great chance Ashley will have a catastrophic arrythmia, most likely in her sleep. It would be a very peaceful way for her to go. Dr. Etheridge said if she was to choose a way to go, it would be that way. Nancy and I talked to Ashley about the idea of weaning the meds. That is what she wants. Nancy suggested her waiting until Christmas, but she started crying and told us she didn't want to wait. She wants to wean now. My angel is done fighting. She is ready to go. She asked Jason and I several times if we were okay with her decision. How do you answer that? No I am not okay. I don't want her to go, especially not before Christmas. But this isn't my decision. It is hers, and she has earned the right to tell us what her heart desires. She wants to return to her Heavenly Father. She knows what wonderful world awaits her, and she wants to be there.

So all evening long, we have had to make peace with her decision. It hasn't been easy. I am struggling. Jason is struggling. But we will get through this, one awful day at a time.