Tonight my body is near exhaustion. It was a long night and another really long day. Ashley was feeling completely miserable last night. She couldn't sleep, so we sat up and talked for a very long time. She wanted to talk about death. She wanted to know what it would be like when she died: would it be quick? Would she just fall asleep and never wake up? Would it happen during the day, and if it did, would she be in pain? So many hard questions, many of which I don't have answers for. She also wanted to know what it would be like, once she crossed over the veil, into the spirit world. Who would take care of her? How would she feel? I tried my best, and prayed for help, to answer these very hard and poignant questions. We cried together for a long time, my beautiful angel and I, late into the night.
As you would expect, being up so late, she woke up this morning feeling very very sick. We were supposed to get our hair cut today. That is one thing we have done together for many years. It is our girl time. (0: But today, she was so sick, she couldn't go. She didn't even have the strength to get out of bed. It broke my heart that I couldn't take her with me.
When I arrived back home, it was almost 1:00. I had taken Austin with me to get his haircut, and then he came with me to do some needed Christmas shopping. I hurried as quickly as I could to get home to my angel girl. She was still really sick, and hadn't been out of bed. She wanted to eat Hamburger Helper, so I fixed her, Jason, Austin, and myself some lunch.
It wasn't long after we started eating that my neighbor came over with her darling baby for a visit. Ashley was able to hold the baby for a couple of minutes, but she felt too awful to stay out of bed for long. I ended up talking with my neighbor for a while. I was grateful she took the time to come and see Ashley and bring her little guy. I was hoping it might brighten her spirits a little bit to see the baby, but she was suffering enough, and sick enough, even the baby didn't help. She did take a bath for a bit, but that didn't help. We finally resorted to Ativan, which made her so loopy, she couldn't walk around the house at all then. It did help to calm her emotional state down. She cried so much this afternoon! It was awful!!!!!
Tonight we had more visitors who came over to bring up some Christmas goodies. Ashley tried to play with their two children, but she didn't have the strength, and had to once again, go back to bed. She was so weak. I assured her she didn't have to talk to anyone. They just wanted to wish our family a Merry Christmas and let us know they were thinking of our family.
Tonight her stomach is paining her greatly. Her whole body hurts. She looks awful. Her color is more gray tonight that it has been in a long time. She struggles to walk around the house. She struggles to get to the bathroom. Everything has become a major chore for her little broken body. She is tired of everything. Life absolutely has no joy for her. How long she will remain with us, I have no idea. It is just heartbreaking to watch her suffer so!!!
I have to mention, really quickly, that my wonderful family and extended family members purchased the tree my wonderful Aunt Jill decorated and entered in the Festival of Trees in Sandy Utah in behalf of Ashley. The tree was so beautiful! They all went together and bought the tree for Ashley. Then they had it shipped to our house. It arrived yesterday. I can't tell you how much Ashley enjoyed that tree! It is covered with beautiful white angel bears and heart shaped pillows. When it came, she laid under the tree for a long time, just looking at the lights, holding the two large bears and small baby bear that were under it. It was a wonderful gift!! I can't thank everyone enough for chipping in to make it possible for our angel to have this tree. She loved it! It made her smile! And that was a miracle!!! We love you all!!
No comments:
Post a Comment