Saturday December 5, 2009

I wish I had even the smallest bit of good news to report. But that is not the case. Ashley woke up feeling every bit as sick as she did yesterday. Same symptoms. Same havoc in her entire digestive system. Her ankles were every bit as swollen as yesterday. She had swelling in her wrists, abdomen and in her face. This morning, with all that she was feeling, she was super emotional. She cried and cried and cried. I was beside myself knowing what to do to help her. She didn't want morphine. I am not so sure that isn't the cause of her extreme nausea. She didn't want any nausea medicine. She didn't even feel like taking her regular medications. Everything she puts into her stomach makes her feel sick. She told me she felt hungry, but was scared to eat for fear she would end up running to the bathroom or hovering over a pan. I wracked my brains trying to think of even the smallest thing that she might be able to eat. She hasn't hardly eaten a thing for two days now. The KFC mashed potatoes and gravy don't sit well anymore. I was so grateful she could eat those potatoes, but now we don't even have that. I did remember I bought some Special K protein water packets. You add them to regular water and they flavor the water a little bit, but the best part, they add protein!! YEA! That is what Ashley needs: more protein!! And when I mixed a packet in water for her today, she liked it and drank it down. At least that is something. She also had a blessing this afternoon. It was a delightful blessing, and as soon as it was given, I could feel she had a little peace. How grateful I am for the power of the priesthood!

Reality is, I don't know that there is anything that can be done to relieve her suffering. When she made the decision to get her PICC line removed, because of the clotting problem that had developed, the doctors felt her heart would fail quickly. That is what they told us. That is what we prepared for. But that is not what happened. Her heart, while functioning poorly, has not done what they thought. It continues to remain where it was before. And now, it is the protein losing enteropathy that is her trial. I know the docs didn't think the protein loss would become so severe. And now it is. So what to do, I don't know. The only way that I can see the doctors helping Ashley is to put her in the hospital, give her albumin infusions to help boost her protein levels again, and then send her home on IV TPN treatment to maintain those levels. When her protein levels are where they should be, she doesn't have symptoms. She doesn't have the swelling, nausea, body pain, or awful diarrhea. Ashley does NOT want to be in the hospital ever again. She made that very clear. She would need another PICC line. Finding a place for another line is a problem. Ashley has a shunt on the left side, and they were concerned about the shunt being in the way. We could work with that problem I am sure. But she doesn't want to have another PICC line. She cried at the thought of being in the hospital again, or having another PICC line placed. And is she even strong enough to make a trip to Salt Lake? Would that plan help her, given her weakened state? Is there anything at all to be done to make her more comfortable at home? So many questions. Not enough answers.

So tonight, we are calling in the big guns. (0: We need answers beyond what this earth can give us. We need guidance from a loving Father in Heaven who knows so much more than we will ever know. There is a plan for Ashley's life. I know this. Now we need to have the faith to accept God's will for our little angel. And we need the wisdom to make the right choices, so she can do what God needs her to do while still on this earth. We are having a family and extended family fast. I feel awful that I haven't fasted until now. What was I thinking!!!! Anyway, with so many prayers and fasting in her behalf, I know we will be able to receive the answers we need, or at least the comfort and strength to accept what is to come. I started fasting after lunch today. Already, I feel peace. I have no doubt Heavenly Father is watching over my Ashley. I know she isn't alone. I am so grateful for fasting and prayer and the opportunity to be close to my Father in Heaven. I so desperately need to feel the assurance that she is going to get through this, that her suffering won't go on beyond what she can handle. So keep praying all my wonderful friends and family. This church is true! Prayers really are answered! Fasting works! You have all proven these things as prayers have been poured out in Ashley's behalf. Thanks for all everyone has done for us! We love you so much!!!!!!