Saturday December 26, 2009

Today was a much better day. I woke up in the night last night, and could not fall back to sleep. So I sat in bed a prayed for a very long time. I prayed for Ashley. I prayed for Jason. I prayed for peace. I prayed for strength. I felt so horrible all day yesterday, it was hard to see any silver linings.

When I woke up this morning, I had a thought come into my mind. Faith and fear cannot co-exist at the same time. If you truly have faith, you don't fear. You keep moving forward, head held high, confident that Heavenly Father will lead you and help you. I realized I don't have faith. I have fear. I fear what will happen to Ashley. I fear what my stupid body will do as things get more stressful. I fear what life will be like for everyone once she is gone. I can't think like that. That isn't what Heavenly Father would want me to be doing. I know there is a plan for Ashley. I know she has been promised she will not suffer more than is necessary. I know she has been promised that with the help of the Holy Ghost, her burdens, though heavy and cumbersome, will be made light, that she can bear them. I know she has been promised, when the time comes for her to pass on, the angels will come. Her death won't be scary. She will be surrounded by those who love her, and will be taken back to her Heavenly Father by them. So now, I have to stop fearing and start trusting, truly exercising faith in Him. I have to trust in the Savior, Jesus Christ. He knows everything I am feeling. He knows how to comfort not only me, but my angel and my dear husband, who also suffers so much in silence.

I have to say, when I awoke this morning, my heart felt so much lighter. I felt peace. And you know what? Today has been one of the best days we have had with Ashley in a long time. She was still tired, but she had the energy to visit with her wonderful grandpa and also her dear grandma, whom she loves so much. She hasn't had any arrythmias. She ate three times today. Her swelling, while concerning, didn't bother her as much. It was literally like her burdens were lifted from her today. She was able to have peace. She was able to smile and laugh. I know Heavenly Father heard my pleading cries in the night last night. And he answered. He gave us this day to rest all of our souls. I know it.

This morning was hard for me because today was the day to stop the metoporal. I cried this morning when I didn't pull up her usual morning dose. Fortunately, because my in-laws were here, I was able to escape to the store for a little while. I was able to go see Jason for a bit, and take him lunch. While I was there, I cried and cried and cried. I cried on Jason. I cried on his mom. It felt so good to get it all out, to cry freely where I knew Ashley would not see me so upset. I came home refreshed and renewed and composed. I was able to put a smile on my face even though my heart was aching.

I want you all to know, I am not going to fear anymore. I know God loves all of us. He helps us take another step, when we think our feet will never move again. He lifts those burdens that threaten to smash our hearts to pieces. Just when we think we can't handle one more thing, he sends us those glorious moments of peace, where we can temporarily rest from our troubles. Today we had that miracle. And a miracle it was.

Thank you all for blessing our family so much!! We couldn't make it without our dear family and friends!! (0: Keep up the faith! Keep moving forward!