Monday December 21, 2009

Last night was a very long night. At bedtime, Ashley was very sick, as I mentioned in my blog previously. Her sats were at 55%. She didn't want her oxygen. She was just plain upset. She and I ended up talking long into the night. She wanted to talk about so many different things. She wanted me to reassure her that everyone would be okay after she dies. She worried about her brothers, her parents, her grandparents, her friends. She was especially concerned about her wonderful Grandpa Winn in Evanston. She loves her all her grandparents, but last night, it was him who she was very concerned about. I assured her, we would all have a hard time for a while. We would be sad and miss her, but at the same time, we would be so glad she was not hurting anymore. But, despite all the sadness, we would all be okay. Heavenly Father would help us to be okay. It was so important for her to know that.

She also wanted to know what would happen to her things after she died. She specifically wanted me to make sure certain items of hers were kept in a special place. I assured her once again, that I would make sure to keep all of her special things. They would be put in a safe place, where we would always have them to remind us of our special angel.

We also talked about death itself. I have been reading in the book "Teachings of the Presidents of the Church: Joseph Smith." There are so many lessons in the manual I have not had the opportunity to study. I have such a special love of the Prophet Joseph Smith. He went through so many hard, heart-wrenching trials. He lost several children. He lost brothers and other beloved family members. He was persecuted, hated, put in jail, laughed at, tarred and feathered. Yet, he never once wavered from the gospel. He never once lost his faith. He didn't let all the struggles and sorrows and challenges in this life take away his eternal perspective. He knew what amazing blessings await the faithful. I love this great man, and I am so thankful for the opportunity to study the things he taught while he lived on this earth.

As I was reading a few days ago, I found a quote in the manual that really touched my heart. I would like to share it.

"This world is a very wicked world; and it...grows more wicked and corrupt...the Lord takes many away, even in infancy, that they may escape the envy of man, and the sorrows and evils of this present world; they were too pure, too lovely, to live on earth; therefore, if rightly considered, instead of mourning we have reason to rejoice as they are delivered from evil, and we shall soon have them again..."

"...the only difference between the old and young dying is, one lives longer in heaven and eternal light and glory than the other, and is freed a little sooner from this miserable, wicked world. Notwithstanding all this glory, we for a moment lost sight of it, and mourn the loss, but we do not mourn as those without hope."

The other quote I loved was this one, also from the same manual.

"Christ Himself has assuredly risen from the dead; and if He has risen from the dead, He will, by his power, bring all men to stand before Him: for if He has risen from the dead the bands of the temporal death are broken, that the grave has no victory..."

"I am glad I have the privilege of communicating to you some things which, if grasped closely, will be a help to you when earthquakes bellow, the clouds gather, the lightnings flash, and the storms are ready to burst upon you like peals of thunder. Lay hold of these things and let not your knees or joints tremble, nor your hearts faint; and then what can earthquakes, wars, and tornadoes do? Nothing. All your losses will be made up to you in the resurrection, provided you continue faithful. By the vision of the Almighty, I have seen it..."

There is also a scripture in the Doctrine and Covenants which also brought great comfort to my troubled heart.

"For verily I say unto you, blessed is he that keepeth my commandments, whether in life or in death; and he that is faithful in tribulation, the reward of the same if greater in the kingdom of heaven. Ye cannot behold with your natural eyes, for the present time, the design of your God concerning those things which shall come hereafter, and the glory which shall follow after much much tribulation. For after much tribulation cometh the blessings..." (D & C 58:2-4)

So why do I include these things in my blog? It is simple. With God, all things are possible. I feel so much stronger when I know I am partnered with Heavenly Father, and His Son, Jesus Christ. I know my prayers are heard. I know They are watching over my family, over my little angel. I know others who have lived before us knew this too. From their examples of faith and courage, I know we can make it through this time.

So back to Ashley. This morning, when Ashley woke up, her arm was very sore. But, it wasn't quite as swollen. When Nancy came to check Ashley, she was pleased with how well Ashley's arm looked. We talked about her low sats last night. Nancy told me it is better not to check them right now. She is very low. We can't change her oxygen levels. She can wear her oxygen, but it won't prolong her life. She won't be higher than 70% ever. Not even with oxygen on. Why burden ourselves with cold hard facts? And why fight Ashley to wear her oxygen? She has always fought me on that. The doctors told me most children figure out at some point that oxygen is their friend. They want to wear it. But not Ashley. Over the past few years, she has seldom elected to wear her oxygen. We don't want to waste her precious energy on battles over oxygen.

Over the course of the day, Ashley did alright. Her pain level stayed under control. Her stomach gave her fits off and on all afternoon. The wonderful part about tonight was that Ashley felt good enough, Jason and I were able to go out on a real live date!! NO JOKE!! Tomorrow is our anniversary, and we really hoped we might have an hour to go out together. Right now, we aren't even sleeping in the same bed. My wonderful sister offered to help us so we could spend some time together. She came over, and we had a lovely night out. We finished up some Christmas shopping. It was so nice.

When we got home, Ashley was ready for us. Her stomach was paining her terribly. She was tired and sore and needing pain medication. I helped her take a bath and get ready for bed.

Over all, today was a good day. It was so nice to have my parents here. They did many wonderful projects with the boys. They cleaned and cooked and ran errands. I was so grateful for all their help. There is nothing like parents to help pick up the ends that we can't carry ourselves.