Wednesday December 23, 2009

Last night was a very scary night for our angel. About 9:15, I was in the living room, vaccuuming, and Ashley came out crying. She said she couldn't breathe. I could tell she was struggling. Her lips were blue. She was retracting really badly. She was upset enough, she wanted ativan and morphine. I did give her a little morphine last night, only because she was struggling so much. It was such a small dose, it didn't upset her stomach at all. Thank goodness!! The combination of the two drugs, along with a bit hit of oxygen, calmed her down a bit. Her heart was beating wildly. That is the only word I can think of to describe what it felt like. Her whole body shook with every beat. It was absolutely scary! The episode lasted for over an hour and a half. By that point, she was exhausted. I was so afraid she was going to pass away. I prayed so hard that whatever might happen, that if she did go, it wouldn't be awful. I prayed for strength to accept the Lord's will for her. I prayed that she wouldn't have to suffer horribly, no matter what happened. I prayed long into the night. As you would expect, I didn't sleep much at all. Every hour of so, I would wake and reach out to touch her arm to see if she was breathing still. I was so grateful when the sun came up this morning and she was still with us.

The episode last night took its toll on her. She was super weak this morning. Her color was bad. Her entire body was swollen. Her feet were especially large. She didn't have any appetite, but she got up long enough to take her medicines, and then she went back to bed and slept off and on all morning. I would periodically come in to look at her. Once I felt her heart beating. I could see her body shaking, like it was last night. Sure enough, her heart was wild again. It stayed like that throughout the afternoon. I felt the palpitations were a huge cause of her extreme fatigue. Ashley herself was really discouraged with how awful she was feeling. We talked a couple of times about how these symptoms are expected. It is part of the process she will go through as her poor broken heart continues to fail. She wasn't upset about it. She accepted it, and made sure both Jason and I knew no matter what happened to her, she did NOT want to go to the hospital. No matter how her heart was beating or how hard it was for her to breathe, she pleaded with me to keep her home. I assured her many times, we would always keep her home. Her wished are of the utmost importance to us. We would never do anything contrary to her desires. I really feel the empowerment we are giving to her, helps her deal with this process better. She knows what will happen to her in every situation. She knows she will always be at home, surrounded by family who love her dearly. And with that knowledge securely locked in her heart, she can be at peace with her decisions.

This evening, she once again had another episode of irregular heartbeats. This time, the heart wasn't racing and beating wildly, but pausing, then beating, then pausing. She was struggling to breathe, and once again, I gave her ativan and a small dose of morphine. She was working enough, she even electively wore her oxygen for a little while. It wasn't long, but long enough to give her a little boost. While Jason took care of our rowdy boys, I fixed her bed, and created her pillow mound. I need to take a picture of all the pillows she uses at night. She has to be fairly upright, or she cannot breathe. We have taken all the spare pillows in the house, as well as a couple we bought for her, to create her special mound as we call it. Thankfully, it works. She does have a hospital bed, with a thick memory foam mattress on it, but she never sleeps in it now. She sleeps in our big bed with me at night. I wouldn't want her far away. She needs help in the night, and I wouldn't hear her in her room. I am thankful Jason is such a compassionate dad and happily sacrifices to let her sleep in our bed every night. It means he and I don't get to sleep together, which is a major bummer. But it won't be forever. Right now, she is where she needs to be. We both know that. And for now, it is okay.

I would be so ungrateful if I didn't express deep gratitude to all the angels and elves who blessed our family today with gifts and money and food. We have literally been showered with blessings today. I must admit, right now, I am physically spent. My body doesn't feel well. I am always tired. It is so hard to face shopping and Christmas, which in itself, is stressful. Our financial situation isn't good. We get by, but there is not much left over after bills are paid. Honestly, without the generosity of others, Christmas this year would have been meager. But because of the loving kindness of many people, our children are going to have a wonderful Christmas. We have lots of food, and I don't have to go shopping tomorrow. YEA!! It feels like a big burden has been lifted off my shoulders. That is my main beef with Christmas. Every year, at Christmas, I get stressed. I stress over what gifts to buy and make for family and friends. I stress over huge crowds, long lines, busy stores. I stress over lots of things that are absolutely unimportant and trivial. It ruins Christmas for me every year. My cursed anxiety flairs up and then I end up feeling sick the entire Christmas break. Never fail, most Christmases are like that for me. I know it is wrong. This year, I was determined to keep the true spirit of Christmas in my heart. I was determined not to worry so much about everything. I knew this would be the last Christmas with Ashley, and I wanted it to be the best one ever! Then I found out Santa's helpers were helping us with our Christmas. It was an answer to my prayers. Jason and I were able to get a few gifts for our kids. We went out shopping three times and were finished with all our Christmas shopping. It was so easy! (0: I can now sit back and relax and truly enjoy this beautiful time of year. Even with the stress of Ashley's passing weighing heavily on my mind, for once, I have peace. I pray for everyone that all may be filled with the spirit of Christ, and never, ever forget, how important, how miraculous, how marvelous the birth of Christ truly was, and what it means for us. Thank you all for lifting our burdens. I need that. We all need that. I won't survive without help. I can't tell you how much we love and appreciate everyone who has given so much to our family!!! (0: