Sunday December 27, 2009

Super fast entry tonight. Ashley has had an absolutely horrible evening. Earlier today, she was really working to breathe. I gave her a big dose of morphine and ativan before I left for church, hoping she would be alright. It was super hard to go to church. I worried about her the whole time I was gone. I knew she was upset when I left, and when I arrived home, thankfully she had fallen asleep. When she woke up, she cried and cried and cried. Her body felt weak, and her breathing was still difficult. I couldn't give her any more morphine at that point. It was too early, so I sat with her and rubbed her back and talked to her, trying to calm her down. At 7:30, she was desperate for more medication, so I gave her another dose. It helped a little bit, but she has just been a mess all night long. She is afraid to go to sleep for fear she won't wake up. She keeps having these episodes when she is sleeping where she feels like her heart has stopped and she can't breathe, but she can't wake up. That has made it hard to sleep too. We have family and friends coming tomorrow and she cried about that. She doesn't have the strength to deal with anyone. But she doesn't want to cause any pain either. We agreed on a few guidelines so she can tolerate the wonderful people who want to see her over the next few days.

I can't write more now. She is so upset tonight and she needs me. More to come........