Friday January 1, 2010

Happy New Year!! I wish I could say we have had a good past couple of days. But I can't. Ashley has been very sick. Not that she wasn't before, but it was like her guard came down after my mom and sister left. She totally collapsed in exhaustion. We have had lots of company over the past week. It was so nice to have so many friends and family come visit. This is the last opportunity they will have to see Ashley, and it was super important for everyone to get to see her one last time. Truth be told, it wore her out. Yesterday, she cried and cried. She was so exhausted, she didn't get out of bed. In the morning, after mom and Tammy left, she slept for almost two hours. She only got up for a little while, to try to eat, and then she slept for another two hours. The rest of the evening was spent in bed, sleeping off and on. Her swelling was much worse, although she wasn't working to breathe. She had almost no appetite. All she wanted was for me and Jason to be near. Her request to me was for no visitors anymore. She said she didn't have the strength for anyone to come. When Nancy came yesterday, I spoke to her about Ashley not wanting to see anyone, not even family members. Nancy said Ashley knows her life is coming to a close. Her strength is spent. What she does have left, she wants to share with her immediate family members only. Nancy felt we should honor her request and not let any visitors come, not even family. That is really hard. I don't want to deny family members visiting rights, but at the same time, I don't want any regrets. I want to know I did all I could for my angel, to keep her comfortable and as happy as possible in her last days on earth. If that includes no visitors, so be it. So everyone, please know our request for no one at the house is not because we want to keep people away. It is for the happiness of our angel. Thank you all for understanding that!!

Today was another long, awful day. Nancy encourages us to be positive, but tonight I am not feeling very positive. Ashley was upset and sick from the moment she woke. Her whole body was in pain. Her legs, her stomach, her back, neck, arms. The pain medication helped, but she was still miserable and uncomfortable all day long. She hasn't hardly eaten a thing today. I am giving her flagil to help with the stomach discomfort. I don't think the flagil helped much. She had diarrhea several times and her little belly growled and gurgled. I sat with Ashley this afternoon and massaged her stomach for almost an hour, trying to ease her pain a bit. It helped a little, but not much.

Tonight she looked bad. Her face was horribly swollen. She was pale and very weak. She struggled to lift the blankets so she could get out of bed. She cried and cried and cried. I know her suffering is great. I know she hurts all over her body. She is so ready to be done with this broken body. Tomorrow morning we begin weaning her sotalol. Sotalol controls abnormal heart rhythms. We have no idea what new symptoms she will have once it is reduced, and eventually eliminated. With how unstable her heart is now, Dr. Etheridge predicted Ashley will have a fatal arrythmia, most likely in her sleep. But no one knows what will happen. We are praying hard that no matter what, Ashley won't have to suffer any longer. We can't bear to watch her struggle more than she is now. It is heartbreaking!! Her life is one miserable day after another. It is my prayer, that soon, she will be free from all her earthly burdens.