Last night wasn't so good for Ashley. Shortly before bedtime, she was having a terrible time breathing. The shortness of breath has worsened. I knew it had, but last night, she was visibly retracting. She was upset enough, I didn't want to take the time to write in the blog. I gave her extra lasix, and her other medications, and sat with her, rubbing her arm and helping her to stay relaxed. I didn't know what the night would look like. Fortunately, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. She was up four times in the night, but not more, and she remained comfortable throughout the night. By comfortable, I mean her breathing was ok. No chest pains, although her heart was beating furiously.
This morning, while her brothers were getting ready for school, she had another big arrythmia. She was in terrible pain. She said with every breath she took, she was in horrible pain. I gave her pain medication and ativan, and I prayed. Within a short time, her pain subsided. In fact, she felt good enough, she asked for food and was able to eat. I started breathing again. Over the course of the day, she has remained very tired. She has also been emotional. But I don't blame her. I think she feels her body taking another step down. I feel it. My mom heart is telling me that time is running out.
Ashley's fear today is that she will die while her brothers are at home. This morning, after they left, and her episode subsided, she cried for a very long time. She told me she knew her brothers were already stressed. She didn't want to add to that, and was worried if her heart did stop when they were home, they would be marked forever. She said, "Mom, I love my brothers. I don't want to upset them. I am so scared if I died in front of them, they won't be okay. I don't want that. I want to go when they won't have to watch me die."
She has been upset about that all day long. She has been upset that we won't be okay. How can you tell your child you love with every fiber of your being, that you will be okay when they die? Of course we won't be okay for a time. We have to grieve. I already am, in so many ways!! We all are. It hurts like heck and she is still here!! Her dad was so upset today, after her episode, he was sick to his stomach and had to come home from work. Austin is not feeling well tonight. We will grieve Ashley's loss for the rest of our lives. But that doesn't mean we won't survive. I look at all the wonderful people in this world who have experienced loss in one form or another, and who still go on with their lives. I have a special aunt who had to part with her dearly loved husband. My uncle died the day before I was crowned Miss Mini-Cassia. The day of the pageant, I was so sad. My Uncle Rulon was my hero. He was sick for a good portion of his life, and he never complained. He was so valiant and strong and enduring. I didn't know how I was going to compete with the heaviness in my heart. I had a special blessing from my dad. That night, on the way to the auditorium, I was in the car, driving, and I literally felt my uncle with me. I felt his arms around me, and I heard him tell me that I was going to be great. He would be watching over me. I will never forget that special moment. I know my uncle has watched over his family over the years. My aunt has been so strong!! I can't imagine how she kept going, but she did and she smiles and she lives life to the fullest. I want to be like her. I want to keep smiling and laughing and living and loving. Jason and I have three amazing boys. They are so good and handsome and smart. (Yes, I can say that! Mom bragging rights. Ha ha ha!) I want to raise them to be fine stripling warriors. I want to help them have the desire to return to their Father in Heaven, to some day have their own forever families. It is going to be so tough!! But with the help of so many wonderful family and friends, I know we will make it.
I want to thank several inspiring individuals who have shared their special experiences with me. One of these fine women has four beautiful daughters. I have always looked up to her. I had no idea what she had been through over the course of her lifetime. But she is truly a pillar of strength. She lost her mom while she was very young. She has continued on with such faith and courage. And another special lady who lost her baby not long ago. There is such a wonderful spirit of peace in their family. I feel it every time I talk to her. She has kept moving forward, even when the pain was so consuming!! What astonishing women of faith!! Thank you to all who set such amazing examples to me!! You all inspire me to be so much better! You inspire me to be closer to Heavenly Father, and to keep moving forward through each agonizing day. I love you!!
Time has definately flown by. When we saw you guys a month ago, I thought it wouldn't be long after that little Ashley would return home to her Heavenly Father, although, Kiara kept telling me that Ashley would still be alive at her birthday - which she was miracuously. I am so glad you have been able to enjoy these precious moments with your sweet angel. She is such a delight. Kiara and I have fun remember all the fun times they spent together laughing and playing dress up and making up plays. Such good times to remember. Cherish all the old memories along with these last days you get. She will always hold a dear place in everyone's heart who has come to know her.
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