Thursday January 7, 2010

Tonight the only word that I can think of is exhaustion!! Total complete exhaustion!! Last night was the worst night yet. Ashley and I went to sleep by about 1:00, but shortly after she fell asleep, she woke up very upset. She told me she keeps having these horrible dreams, where she feels like someone is holding her down, and dreams where Jason and I don't want her anymore. She cried and cried and cried. I talked with her for a long time. I told her about a time when I was a girl and struggled with awful dreams too. My dad gave me a blessing one night, when I was upset. I never again had those dreams. I remember being filled with peace. I told her she could have a blessing specifically for those dreams too. We talked about her praying for the Holy Ghost to comfort her. She has been promised, in her patriarchal blessing, that the Holy Ghost would be her constant companion every day, bringing peace, helping her burdens to seem lighter. After we talked, and I had stroked her arm for a bit, she was finally able to rest. She rested for a little bit, but ended up needing to use the bathroom a couple of times after that. She woke up at 4:00 and needed some pain medication. I felt like I was up most of the night. Both she and I were bone tired. I had a hard time getting up to get the boys ready for school. Jason helped me, and together, we got them to school on time. Thank goodness for him! I felt like I was in a fog.

The day has been good for the most part. Ashley slept through the morning. When she woke, she was in horrible pain again. Her back is so swollen, I am sure the pain is from the pressure of the extra fluid. I got her settled, fixed her some food, and then she slept again. Jason came home shortly after lunch. I was so tired by then, I couldn't keep my eyes open. He helped get Ashley settled and happy, and then shut the door so I could rest. I am so glad he helps me get the boys to and from school and then helps keep them happy and busy after they get home. I don't have the energy or strength to take care of them like I normally would. They need attention too. And Jason rocks at keeping them entertained. I couldn't do it without him.

Tonight, Ashley was very weak. When she tried to take a bath, it was all I could do to get her out of the tub. She was so tired and short of breath after struggling to get out of the tub and get dressed, she promptly fell asleep for another hour. She and I talked tonight about getting her a bedside commode. Nancy suggested that option a few days ago. Initially, Ashley was not in favor of that. But tonight, it was too hard. She asked if we could get her one tomorrow. I emailed Nancy and as soon as she comes in the morning, she will bring the commode. We have the best hospice nurse in the entire world!!

As for myself, I am spent. My whole body has been complaining. Tonight, I felt that feeling of panic again. I have to keep myself going. I didn't see how I would. My body felt sick. My stomach was in knots. I had a headache from Hades. My ear is feeling better, but I still have those sensations of being on a rocking boat. I know I need more sleep, but when to sleep, I don't know. I try to sleep when Ashley does, but there are always things to be done in the house. I have to keep up on that too. Jason helps a lot. I am so grateful he does, but it isn't enough. He needs time to relax too. I don't feel like I can exercise right now. I have to be by Ashley constantly. Jason will help her to a point, but then, because she is a 12 year old girl, she needs her mom. I have to be strong, and I don't feel like I am. I feel like I am falling apart. I went into the bathroom tonight, and prayed for a long time. I asked Heavenly Father to help me get through this. I asked for peace, for my own aches and pains to subside so I would feel like taking care of Ashley. While I am still completely fatigued at this moment, I do have peace. I know I can do this. I will be strong for my angel. She needs me, and I will be here, even if I am crawling to the bed!!! I know with prayer and constant faith, Heavenly Father will bless me. If we were too weak to handle this trial, then we wouldn't have it! I believe that with every fiber of my being.

Really quick, we ate the chicken and rice casserole tonight for dinner. It was delicious! So to the wonderful sister who made that dish, thank you from the bottom of my heart!!! And, I want the recipe! My kids all ate it. I was in shock!! Ha ha ha! (0: Much love to everyone! Thank you for your notes and prayers!! I can't respond to everyone, but know they mean so much!!!