Tuesday January 19, 2010

Ashley has continued to decline through the course of the day. When she woke, as I mentioned in my earlier blog, the first thing she did was try to throw up. Thankfully, after a few minutes, she was able to calm down enough to get her medications down. After that, she slept. I stayed awake for a little while, but soon the exhaustion got the better of me. I went back to bed around 11:00 and slept off and on until 1:00, when Ashley woke me up to help her get to the bathroom. She was nauseated then, but I couldn't give her any nausea medication for another hour. I did make her some peppermint tea. I made some for me too. As you can imagine, my stomach was in knots.

For the remainder of the afternoon, she was so tired, she kept drifting off to sleep. She would sleep for a few minutes, then wake up to make sure I was still at her side. All she wanted was for me to hold her hand and stroke her cheek. She wanted me to be right by her side, even when she was sleeping.

At 3:00, she wanted to go out into the living room. She stayed out in the living room for almost an hour, but had to lay down on the couch after only five minutes of sitting up. She looked so awful! Her face was so swollen, her eyes looked like little slits. Her speech was slurred and she was terribly pale. While she was in the living room, she wanted some chicken noodle soup. She took one bite before getting sick again. I helped her back into the bedroom, and she promptly fell asleep again.

The one special experience that she and I had today, was after she had gone back into the bedroom. At that time, she was having chest pains again. She felt dizzy and desperately sick. She wanted me to pray with her. She offered the most heart wrenching prayer! She could barely speak. She thanked her Father in Heaven for her family, for her mom and dad who have taken such good care of her. She plead with Him to forgive her of any sins she may have committed. She told her loving Father she was ready to go. She told him she felt her mom and dad and brothers were ready to let her go, and that we would be alright when she did. She told Him she wanted to come home. She was so tired of the pain and suffering!!! She prayed that we would be able to let her go, that we would be comforted. She told her Father she loved Him, and that she knew, He would help her. All I could do was cry!

It wasn't more than 15 minutes after she finished her prayer. She looked at me and told me that she felt so warm and happy inside. She said she hasn't felt the Holy Ghost so overpowering for a while. She said, "Mom, I know Heavenly Father is with me. He told me that you would be alright. It is okay for me to go now because I know you will all be alright when I do."

For the evening thus far, she has sleeping. She did try to eat a little, but was too tired. But you know what? She is at peace. I don't see the fear, the pain on her face tonight. She is in a place where she can rest for a time from her burdens. I know that is a direct answer to prayers.

I know many of us have questioned why Ashley has remained on the earth for so long. We have wondered in the silent chambers of our hearts why she hasn't been able to be relieved of her pain, despite her great faith and desire to be free. The one thing I know, and I do not doubt, is that God has a plan for her life. I have known this since the day she was born. I knew this when she was two and survived all those surgeries. I knew this when we brought her home, (she was 2), and she declined so much, they told us she would die. They told us her heart wasn't even pumping, just rocking side to side. She was so ill, the Make A Wish Foundation granted her a wish. In January 2000, they sent us on a trip to Sea World in San Diego. But she didn't die. She lived. She grew stronger every day. I still remember the day we returned to Primary Children's and she was improved so much, one doctor had to come look at her to believe she was that well.

We knew she had a plan at the age of 5, when again her heart was in trouble, and they didn't think she would live much longer. We knew that when she got to first grade, and the electrical system in her heart was all out of whack, they didn't know what would happen. I could go on and on. Her life has been one miracle after another. There is no doubt, she had not yet fulfilled her mission on earth. But now, her life is drawing to a close, and I feel she has fulfilled her purpose. Perhaps these last few days have been for me, to help me let go. I don't know. But I do know, this sweet angel has impacted so many lives. I don't think she will ever know how much she has touched all of us, inspired us to be better than we thought we ever could. So many have given of their time and talents to help us, to lift our hearts, to help us make it through another day. What a blessing it is to serve! I can't tell you how grateful I am to have been the chosen vessel to serve this valiant young lady. I have learned so much from her!! Heavenly Father knew I needed her!! I love her with all my heart!!! We will see what this night brings!!