Tuesday January 19, 2010

Exhaustion! Distress! Worry! All words rolling around in my head this morning. I have no idea what this day will bring, but I pray constantly I will be strong enough to keep moving forward.

Yesterday was actually a peaceful day. While Ashley wasn't any better, she wasn't any worse either. Her breathing was fine. Her face looked good. Her swelling remained the same. Her stomach wasn't bothering her as much. I felt pretty good about how she looked. In fact, my heart was silently joyful she was still with us and looking well. While her appetite remained small, she asked for food. I always rejoice when she wants to eat. To me, eating is, in a way, a small victory still. In case you can't tell, I was very thankful for one more day.

As the day wore on, Ashley declined. By evening, she was feeling poorly. Her face and body looked more swollen. She was having a harder time breathing. At supper time, she was hungry, but her stomach was gurgling and carrying on. I fixed her three different things trying to find the one she might be able to take one bite of. No luck. Shortly after 10:00, Ashley started into another major arrythmia. I didn't realize at first that's what was going on. She told me she needed to throw up, so I ran and got a pan for her. She heaved and heaved but nothing came out. At that point, she looked awful. Her oxygen levels dropped drastically. She literally looked purple all over. Her fingers and toes were so cold and discolored! She was so weak and lightheaded, she couldn't sit up. I grabbed her oxygen and encouraged her to at least breathe a little in. I was so scared she would pass out. At that point, it was all she could do to keep from throwing up. The nausea overtook her. She didn't tell me she was having horrible chest pains in addition to the nausea. But she didn't have to. Her heart was beating so hard, her entire body shook from head to toe. I don't think I have ever felt her heart beat so dramatically!! It was simply frightening!! I ended up giving Ashley her nausea medication, which she promptly threw up. She was so sick at that point, she couldn't sit up. So she laid on her side to throw up. She wanted me to rub her chest and stomach. I couldn't even give her more ativan or hydrocodone to help her calm down. She had taken a dose at 7:30, and couldn't take more until 11:30. So we sat, and waited and prayed. She asked me to pray with her. She offered the first prayer. In her prayer, she pleaded with her Heavenly Father to take her home, but only if it was the right time. She told him she couldn't do it. She couldn't carry her burdens any longer. Her words, "Please, take this pain away! I can't bear it! Please, take it from me!"

She prayed if she lived through the night, she would be comforted and that she would understand why she wasn't taken home. Oh my goodness! I was so numb at that point, I couldn't feel anything. I prayed and pleaded with Heavenly Father in her behalf. I prayed if she was meant to go, she would go, and it would be peaceful. I prayed for His mercy for my angel!!! I prayed, no matter what, we would accept His will for her. We would be able to keep moving forward.

I stayed by her side. She tossed and turned for a very long time. I did everything to provide a distraction. I read to her, we watched a movie, I told her a story, I rubbed her back, stomach, and chest, I held her hand. I didn't know what else to do!!

As you can imagine, I woke up a bizillion times in the night, checking on her. She was up and down and up and down. The chest pain and nausea finally subsided enough she was able to sleep a little. She did have to get up to go to the bathroom three times. That was an adventure with how weak and sick she was. I think we both finally fell into a deep sleep about 5:00.

I do have to say, in my pleadings and constant prayers last night, I didn't feel like it was her time to go. I felt like she would live through the night. I have no idea what this day will bring, or if she will live through another day. She looks awful this morning. Her color is terrible. Her face is horribly swollen. Her speech is slurred. She is nauseated and weak and had to throw up as soon as she sat up in bed. My only prayer is that this suffering will end soon. I can't bear to watch her go through another night like last night. I can't bear it!!! When she is the same, not any worse, I have an easier time wishing for her to stay with us. But not after last night. Perhaps that was what I needed to see so I will stop wishing for her to live another day.

Please, please pray for us! Today I feel like I am falling apart at the seams! My heart hurts! I know the only comfort will come through prayer, through my faith in Jesus Christ!!! I pray it comes!!!